Archive for the ‘Social Upheaval’ Category

AND ALL I GOT FOR HIP-HOP WEEK WAS A LOUSY T-SHIRT…

Friday, October 20th, 2006

image courtesy of OH WORD!

The young P.R. flack at VH-1 that e-mails me all their business is a sweet little piece of white meat, but like most broads in the entertainment industry she is prah’lee only a star-fucker. Props go to the Glamazon for being that bitch on wheels in Hollywood and still such a fucking lady in the bedroom (not that I know personally, but I’ve heard…).

Anyhoo, I get a nice e-mail from homegirl at VH-1 thanking me for being active on the Hip-Hop Honors project. For me it was nothing since this was the one thing that Viacom produces that I believe in wholeheartedly. I wish it were semi-annual or even a series like ‘Driven’, or ‘Behind The Music’. The good news was that the show drew nearly 2 million viewers to a 9pm Tuesday slot. That is fucking incredible and I thank everyone that tuned in regardless of whether you heard it from me or somewhere else. Your participation will cause this program to be regenerated, plain and simple.

I’m sure a lot of you wonder how it is that people know the exact numbers of cable television program viewers? Understand that your cable box is directly attached to a server which creates a database of the programs that you’ve watched. This is no big deal anymore I suppose since we are already used to having our privacy invaded on so many levels. It’s all good as long as I get my MTV.

Here’s where my jaw hit the floor… Flavor of Love’s finale episode reeled in 7.5 million viewers. That is some Black Bullshit! I sit here in my parent’s basement and I rail on Viacom for creating this Step-n-Fetchit jiggaboo programming and you go and consume it right behind my back. Forget a Hip-Hop Honors program because the viewership for that is peanuts compared to the money that a network can make when they have a darkie put on some white gloves and a top hat.

What the hell am I doing over here?!? You people are obviously happy with your entertainment options. I thought that we were starting this neo-meta-progressive movement and that we were going to free ASSATA and free MUMIA and free NELSON MANDELA, but I see that you jokers only want to free O.J. and MICHAEL.

Have it your way, I quit…

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, C.R.E.A.M., Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, Jig Lit Review, Social Upheaval, Straight Laced, When I Reminisce... | 16 Comments »

JAY-Z Does Not Care About Michelob…

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

JIGGERMAN at the United Nations, “I’m too icy for a water shortage”.

All these non-governmental organizations (NGO’s for those of us not into U.N. speak) were concerned about water shortages in Africa and the subsequent effects of drought and malnourishment. Global warming is being blamed as the culprit for the severe drought in eastern parts of the continent. Arid conditions are predicted to expand to the center of the land mass faster than originally projected. A consortium of NGO’s was formed to devise a way to bring water to Africa’s most needy denizens.

DuPONT Corporation, the creators of nylon and polyester, along with the Global Wheat and Maize Improvement Center have announced a research partnership aimed at developing grains that can survive in the extremely dry conditions that the African soil contains. It’s believed that a maize/wheat hybrid might be able to survive in some of the fertility stressed areas. Africa, where an estimated 200 million people are undernourished and 33 million children suffer from famine, is a primary target for this research.

Celebrities from far and wide are pledging their support for these endeavors. BONO from U2, MATT DAMON and PAUL McCARTNEY have all tried to raise awareness for these projects. To his credit SHAWN ‘JAY-Z’ CARTER proposed one of the most interesting solutions to assist the famine and drought stricken people of Africa.

BUDWEISER!

Budweiser is made with water, yeast, barley, and hops(wheat). One bottle of Budweiser is equal to a week’s amount of water and carbohydrates that some of these people may never see. And when the bottles are empty the African people can make something crafty like a wind chime or an empty bottle instrument. Hey Africa, forget about the residual effects of 500 years of colonialism, “This Bud’s for you!”

ROC-A-FELLA y’all.

Posted in C.R.E.A.M., Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, Social Upheaval | 4 Comments »

The Axis Of Evil: DP dot com Revised Edition

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

Now that all of this Hip-Hop nonsense is over with we can get back to doing what we were born to do – help President BUSH get his approval rating back up to 50%. If you come to think of it, an approval rating of only 33% is just a 17 point swing. We can make that ground up in the three weeks remaining until mid-term elections. Nevermind the facts that more U.S. troops are dying in Iraq than ever before. Blame that on the Democrats that voted for the war. I also say forget all that nonsense inflation and No Child Left Behind talk, because the ‘Back-To-School’ shoppers proved that our education system has never looked better.

Now is the time that we need to rally around the President against some of the bad guys that the Administration will try to censure during their remaining time in office. Look at all the progress that the BUSH Administration has made so far. SADDAM HUSSEIN takes pictures in his underpants. YASSIR ARAFAT is so dead to us. GEOGE STEINBRENNER hasn’t fired a single manager. This is global progress hotdammit and y’all need to recognize that even though that bitch Katrina came through and kicked up some dust we are still like 5 out of 10 as far as getting the bad guys goes (if you allow us to count the DICK CHENEY hunting trip and the KENNETH LAY heart attack).

Listen, all I’m saying is that we have to reorganize our priorities and that means a slight re-configuration to the Axis of Evil. Once we nail these guys you will see the skies open up and the price of oil go back to $1.50 per gallon. You just watch…

KIM JONG IL
What the hell is this dude’s problem?!? The name of the nation’s capital is Poonyang. KIM JONG should get some poonyang and then he might not need to wear those Cazal frames all the time. Now I don’t believe in dealing with terrorists either, but I will lift the karaoke machine embargo on his nation this one time just so that he can learn the melody to the Tears For Fears song ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World‘

CATHOLIC PRIESTS
Evangelicals never have these problems. Catholic priests stay pissing people off seven ways ’til Sunday. Who is this priest that made MARK FOLEY into such a predatory beast, even after repeated warnings and confidential meetings?

True story, it’s not just Catholic priests that are problematic. Fundamentalism is about screwing up the minds of young boys and sending them off to war while we profit from their deaths. It doesn’t really matter who you claim to pray to when you placate your god with murder and death.

TONY LaRUSSA
This guy wears so much red he has to be a gang banger or a communist, or maybe both.

BORAT
Speaking of communists… I don’t see what’s so funny about his rampant anti-Semitism. He’s the man keeping Kazahk culture in the middle ages.

AL ROKER
I’m totally convinced that underneath the ‘Fry That Chicken’ smile AL ROKER is really SYLAR the meta-bad guy from the new NBC drama series ‘Heroes’.

EARLY CUYLER
Confederate segregationist squid from the northern mountains of Georgia. EARLY hates everything especially work and the law. Watch EARLY and his son RUSTY find new ways to mangle the English language and escape prison every Sunday night at midnight on Adult Swim at the Cartoon Network.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Jig Lit Review, Social Upheaval | 4 Comments »