In my goal to always expand my horizons I went to a roller derby event last night. I expected to be slightly amused, but I didn’t think that I would be energized to the point of cursing and fighting in the stands. This was no KAIJU BIG BATTEL, or so I thought. I was wrong party people. This was as exciting as KAIJU was, but on some next shit, like crack cocaine washed down with a fifth of Cisco.
The event was produced by a group that calls themselves GOTHAM GIRLS ROLLER DERBY NYC. The match this night was between the Brooklyn Bombshells and the Manhattan Mayhem. The Bombshells dress up like whore pirates and the Mayhem’s uniforms look like whore prison inmates. From that point on is where these ladies stop acting and looking so lady like. Roller Derby is pretty fast paced and it has a fairly large amount of physical contact ccontained in the play. It’s almost like a football kickoff on rollerskates. Bodies fly about the track as the teams jockey each other for position and leverage. If you think the only exciting thing about NASCAR is when the cars collide and crash then you will love this Roller Derby shit. The players all have names that are built around pain and punishment. LADY BATTERFLY, SHARYN PAYNE, PENNY LARCENY, LEGGS LUTHOR, CARMEN MONOXIDE, TRAMP O’LEAN, BABY RUTHLESS. It would be pretty comical if these ladies weren’t such good skaters.
Brooklyn was in control for most of the match which consists of two 30 minute halves. Manhattan stormed back in the final 10 minutes and edged Brooklyn by 1 point. My folks had me screaming bloody murder because one of the Manhattan players committed an illegal move to ice the game in their favor. It was so fucking intense that I yelled for overtime. It was a good thing that they didn’t serve alcohol at the event because children shouldn’t be subjected to listening to those types of expletives from adults. You know, “Mommy, what is a cock blowing referee?” shouldn’t be how a kid learns what a cock blowing refereee is.
I promise you that I am carrying my flask to the championship match in two weeks. There’s no way I’m missing the opportunity to yell at the refs this time and cheer everytime one of thge players rips another’s top off. Wooo hooooo!
