Archive for July, 2006

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Jig Madness Impresario Extraordinaire (ReMix)

Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

the king

Maybe you folks heard about this already, but PUFF DIDDY, The King of all Jigs is still throwing parties that people are dying to get into.

From my days as a student at City College when DIDDY still rocked with fellow Mt.Vernonite, HEAVY DEE, and jigs stampeded a gymnasium… killing eight people.

didster

…to the wild weeknights at DADDY’s HOUSE in Red Zone — hey PAC? Who shot ya?!? —

big and pac

downtown to the rambunctious Tunnel Disco…

the crew

…and back uptown to Club New York for the infamous SHYNE shoot-out featuring J-ELLE.

diddy and j-ho

The overwhelmingly consistent thread through all of these milestones is the level of Jig madness prior to the night’s conclusion, including several miles worth of blond hairweave, Gucci print leather on places that normally don’t receive it, furry dead animal sweatsuits and of course, gunshot wounds.

Posted in Crappers, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, T.O.N.Y. | 1 Comment »

DOCTOR BILLY SUNDAY Explains ANAL BLEACHING (ReMix)

Saturday, July 1st, 2006

lion love

LADIES!!!!

Do you remember when it was maintenance enough for you to get a manicure and a pedicure? Maybe you might even have your eyebrows threaded by the indian chicks if you were going to be giving up the cooch to someone for the first time. It seems to me that being a beautiful woman was always a process, but I am here to tell you that things just got a little more involved.

lion love

Because of crap stars like LIL’ KIM there are more women willing to participate in the classic Greco-Roman position for lovemaking. Whether you are an old French pro or a rookie, the most important thing is that you maintain your TCRB. That’s short for Total Colo-Rectal Beauty. You don’t want your lover to think that your poop chute has been traveled as frequently as an interstate highway. To return the youthful luster and sheen to your nether region Dr.WILLIAM H. SUNDAY advises that you practice some Anal Bleaching.

Anal bleaching is just one non-invasive procedure that supports the maintainenance of your Total Colo-Rectal Beauty. Vigorous washing and aloe vera baby wipes are all TCRB components that not only help hygiene but also assist in restoring the appearance of lost elasticity and youthful innocence.

lion love

Bottoms up!

Posted in Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas | 1 Comment »

I Blame HIP-HOP… (ReMix)

Saturday, July 1st, 2006

state prop1

By looking at this dude shopping in my local supermercado I should suppose that wearing leg shackles as ankle bracelets will be cool next summer. I know some of you own a piece or two of State Property clothing. All homeboy did was take it to the next next level by leaving his home in a jail suit. The only problem was that the next level that he went to was in the cellar instead of the penthouse.

We are chasing the lowest common denominator because we can no longer imagine anything better for our lives.

stateprop2

At least he is making sure that he eats his vegetables and fruits (no homo).

Posted in Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas | 3 Comments »

TOOKIE WILLIAMS IS NOT MALCOLM X! (ReMix)

Saturday, July 1st, 2006

tookie < big red

The internets are driving me bananas with all this talk about Crips founder, STANLEY ‘TOOKIE’ WILLIAMS. The eulogies are flying around as if we had lost one of the greatest humanitarian statesmen since PAUL ROBESON.

I don’t doubt the transformation that TOOKIE made during his incarceration and I don’t think that the state of California or Texas for that matter have ever had an equitable or justifiable record of prosecuting people of color and poor people. What has been lost in all of the hoopla of the protests by celebrity gangbangers like SNOOP DOGG has been TOOKIE’s adherence to the ‘G’ code.

With the small window of time that he remained on the planet he tried to leave a legacy that would outshine his darkest moments. I have to respect that gangsta. But by trying to compare his state-sponsored execution to that of MALCOLM or MARTIN you are missing the true essence of a leader. MALCOLM’s challenge to the status-quo mentality made him an enemy of Corporate America. There is nobody in the world badder than C.A. They are so gangsta that they can drop a bomb on you while you sit on the toilet. And in the morning papers it will read that there was a gas leak in your building.

I’m just saying that maybe if TOOKIE lived another fifty years he might get to the level of a MALCOLM or MARTIN, but as it stands he doesn’t even eclipse MUMIA.

Editor’s note: Further signs of the apocalypse… TOOKIE WILLIAMS tee shirts on eBAY listed as TOOKIE WILLIAMS ORIGINAL GANGSTER THUG PIMP. oy!

Posted in Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Social Upheaval | 4 Comments »

EVA is NOT a Diva! (ReMix)

Saturday, July 1st, 2006

skeezer

But seriously, who is this broad?!? What has she done other than win a dimestore reality show contest? Does she even rank with the great ones? IMAN, GRACE JONES, BEVERLY JOHNSON, NAOMI CAMPBELL??? TYRA BANKS has put in way more work than homegirl and even she doesn’t rate the title ‘Diva’ just yet. It is harder for models to acheive the title because their only talent is to look good. And I use the word talent perjoratively.

DIANA ROSS, PATTI LaBELLE, VANESSA WILLIAMS and JANET JACKSON are all official divas because their actual talent and beauty have stood the test of time. By calling this miscellaneous broad a diva we lower the standards for that status. Let’s see this chick in ten more years before we give her undue props just because it rhymes with her name.

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs | 2 Comments »

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