Archive for September, 2006

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: JAY Is For JOLSON

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

jolson

The problem is that some of y’all don’t recognize and appreciate progress. There was a time in Hollywood when acting like a coon was still a ‘whites only’ job.

The credit for these S.A.B.’s goes out to all the readers at CRUNK & Disorderly. FRESH drops the flicks and they think up the jokes. Of course, Mrs.JAY helps out by staying on his her H.A.M. grizzly.

mrs jolson

mrs jolson

mrs jolson

50 CENT’s Motivation Mixtape Covers

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

curtis

What do you think CURTIS JACKSON uses as the inspiration for him to create his uber-popular gangster crap soundtracks? Here’s a quick peek into the photo album that he carries with him into the recording studio…

gayme

rule nas babygirl

diddy ma$e

gayme

jadakiss

gayme

PRINCESS DIANA = KAFIR LOVER

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

diana

One of the main reasons that I like to talk with y’all is because y’all read between the lines so well. We can’t fooled by fake butter margarine, unless of course we wanted margarine because it has lower cholesterol. But you know what I’m sayin’!

The British fumbledrumble something or the other is going to pore over the wreckage yet again of the car crash that Princess DIANA and her consort, DODI AL FAYED were killed in to see if they are really dead or living in Cuba with TUPAC and B.I.G. Peep the headshot of the LADY judge that will be reviewing the evidence…

slossy

Whew. The more I see British women the prettier DIANA becomes. Her name is Baroness Judge ANN ELIZABETH OLDFIELD BUTLER-SLOSS (No! I’m not making this shit up.) Her claim to fame internationally is that she set free the two juveniles that lured the 3yr old away from its mom while she was shopping. They beat the crap out of the kid and then shoved batteries up his arse and left him for dead on train tracks. Just when I think that the U.S. justice system is the worst I realize that I can always look to the Brits for something even wilder.

Why are they wasting the pounds and pence of the good British people? We all know that DIANA had to die because she was pregnant with the seed of a kafir. How in the hell could they let a kafir child run around that would be blood related to the monarchy?!? It just wouldn’t seem proper to all the gentry over there. People would snicker behind the Queens’ back that she was grand mum to a colonial slave. It’s wasn’t a good look for Queen ELIZABETH so she had to terminate the pregnancy.

I don’t see the Crown ever admitting to killing DIANA just like they’re never returning anything that was stolen during colonialism. Let’s move along now, there’s nothing to see here.

I Left My Heart At Howard U.

Monday, September 4th, 2006

222

Labor Day for me was always the time of year to refocus and prioritize on what it was that I wanted for myself for the rest of the year. I typically spent the summer playing the field of love, but in late August my hormones turned up the frequency so I didn’t end up with zero during the snowswept snuggle and cuddle winter months. I preferred a cutie from one of the Black colleges that occupied the mid-Atlantic states because I could always hop on the turnpike for a few hours and I still had my relative autonomy while I remained in New York City. I would have sworn to you that NYC had the greatest collection of redbone cuties until SOUNDWAVE, RANDY and I came across a pack of hotties from Howard University during the 1989 Labor Day Greekfest at Virginia Beach.

RANDY was S.W.’s cousin who lived in VA Beach. RANDY’s folks put us up for the weekend and we all spent our time on the strip bothering anything that would give us the time of day. As usual, I have to be the clown of the crew and the sassy sisters didn’t mind putting me in my place when I got too sideways. My G was always too futuristic for young girls anyhoo. I needed some college meat to test my mettle. I complimented toenail polish colors and whoever had done the best job in shaving herself. My dudes and I were having a good enough time just posting up on the boardwalk when along came this crew of cocksmashers. I call them that because they all had their walk together and proper. You know that walk that a young lady has when she is trying to tell everybody that she has been doing her ‘Kegel’ exercises? These little girls had that walk and they had the prettiest eyelashes of any crew that was on the strip that weekend. These broads had that kryptonite.

big pimpin'

The next step for the dudes and I was to get to know this crew of young sweet hotness, but how do you break into a girl group that is seven deep without getting dissed and dismissed? This is my specialty. I attack the alpha females top lieutenant with my charm. Not the alpha female, because she will have to show out for her girls to prove her leadership dominance, and not the weakest link among the ladies who is still slightly uncomfortable in her skin and may not know how to receive a compliment yet. The second in charge was a tender little brownskin sister with a battery pack bubble backside just as sweet as a piece of chocolate cake. In my mind, I am sure I made that sound where your lips smack just as you are about to enjoy something tasty.

“Hello Ms. Beautastic, you look just like my favorite cup of coffee, dark and sweet.”

Okay, I agree, but that is how you do it people — confident cornballness. The laugh of the sister and some of her friends meant that I hit my target. The next step was for me to introduce my dudes. S.W. and RANDY are both good lookin’ dudes so that wasn’t the problem in as much as there were seven ladies and only three of us. Don’t play yourself into thinking that ratio means menage status because most college girls in the ’80s and ’90s that weren’t into coke weren’t into swinging either. Don’t get me wrong, college girls were always giving up mean head and booty pie, but unless they were from Detroit you weren’t gonna be able to freak out.

big pimpin'

None of these ladies were from the ‘D’ either. They were all Cali broads that were attending Howard University. They were all freshmen and they had heard about the Greekfest on campus so they decided to drive down. 18yr olds with their own cars 3000 miles from home. I give credit to these Cali broads for being as gangster as they were. They drove to the beach on a whim and they didn’t even have a hotel room. We all hung together for the rest of the day into the evening. Later that evening when the strip was fully crowded and blown out a riot began. It was so crazy that Army helicopters and National Guardsmen cut off access to the beach. Since we were all stuck together we decided to share a hotel room. Real talk is that all 10 of us slept together on two queen size beds and no one popped off anything.

What that night allowed us was carte blanche to hang with these sisters at Howard U. anytime we wanted. S.W. and I ‘borrowed’ a Maserati from Greenich Village and went to their Homecoming weekend. The ladies brought us to a brunch spot called Julios that served chicken, waffles and mimosas for only $7 bucks a person. Those Howard U. chicks knew how to have a good time too. Almost twenty years later I am still friends with them. Even the ones that I’m not friends with anymore.

Too bad youth is wasted on the young.

DAMN, WE’RE GOOD!

Monday, September 4th, 2006

metsan

Best record in the bigs boyee!

Just wanted to tell you humps that WILLIE RANDOLPH is going to be the National League Manager of the Year.

Carry on.

metsan