Archive for October, 2006

JAY-Z Does Not Care About Michelob…

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

jay

JIGGERMAN at the United Nations, “I’m too icy for a water shortage”.

All these non-governmental organizations (NGO’s for those of us not into U.N. speak) were concerned about water shortages in Africa and the subsequent effects of drought and malnourishment. Global warming is being blamed as the culprit for the severe drought in eastern parts of the continent. Arid conditions are predicted to expand to the center of the land mass faster than originally projected. A consortium of NGO’s was formed to devise a way to bring water to Africa’s most needy denizens.

DuPONT Corporation, the creators of nylon and polyester, along with the Global Wheat and Maize Improvement Center have announced a research partnership aimed at developing grains that can survive in the extremely dry conditions that the African soil contains. It’s believed that a maize/wheat hybrid might be able to survive in some of the fertility stressed areas. Africa, where an estimated 200 million people are undernourished and 33 million children suffer from famine, is a primary target for this research.

Celebrities from far and wide are pledging their support for these endeavors. BONO from U2, MATT DAMON and PAUL McCARTNEY have all tried to raise awareness for these projects. To his credit SHAWN ‘JAY-Z’ CARTER proposed one of the most interesting solutions to assist the famine and drought stricken people of Africa.

BUDWEISER!

Budweiser is made with water, yeast, barley, and hops(wheat). One bottle of Budweiser is equal to a week’s amount of water and carbohydrates that some of these people may never see. And when the bottles are empty the African people can make something crafty like a wind chime or an empty bottle instrument. Hey Africa, forget about the residual effects of 500 years of colonialism, “This Bud’s for you!”

ROC-A-FELLA y’all.

The King Of Beers x The King Of Rap + The King Of All Jigs…

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

ghetto celeb mathematics

I thought I was done with talking about Hip-Hop for at least a week or two, but damn, they keep bringing me back into their circle of Hell like DANTE’s Inferno.

By now we all know that FABOLOUS, the straight rapper with the gay stage name, was shot and arrested all in the same night. It’s got to be old news if I know about it since I live in my parents’ basement and I only come to the surface to open the ‘frige. I think FAB just raised the bar now for any young rapper coming into the game and what they might have to do in order to have their CD released. How do you top the FABOLOUS double-play? I say you still have to get shot and arrested, but first you have to pour a bottle of Cristal champagne on your head and then set yourself on fire. You young rappers are gonna have to come hardbody now or else get yourself a job at the post office.

JAY-Z is slowly reconnecting with the regular guy that loves his music, but can’t afford to travel to Aspen, or Monte Carlo, or Nice. It doesn’t mean that the regular guy doesn’t want the finer things in life it’s just that his level of education (and inability to rap over beats) will forever place him on the service side of our economy. Since this fool can’t even pronounce Armand De Brignac (JAY’s new champagne choice) JAY-Z is stepping down to his level… somewhat. As a paid consultant for the Anheuser-Busch conglomerate, JAY-Z will tell the suits in St. Louis how to get some of that sweet Black scrilla that we would normally spend on Champale. Now if only one of these venerable rap music labels would hire JAY to be their president then we might be able to get some decent artist development popping from someone who understands what it’s like to be on the other side of the table. Yeah, maybe…

The first big album event of the fourth quarter took place Tuesday with the release of The King Of All Jigs, PUFF DIDDY’s new CD titled ‘Press Play’. The early album reviews have been good and the demand for the album at DIDDY’s restaurant ‘JUSTINs’ is why FABOLOUS was shot, allegedly.

As part of the promotional whirlwind for the album PUFF will embark on one of his usual over-ambitious all nighters. The details are as follows…

1) Skiing in Vail on Thursday with DAVID HASSELHOFF

2) Friday – La Maas and midwife clases with KIM PORTER on DONALD TRUMP’s private jet

3) Run Boston Marathon on Saturday for MTV taping (seven months early)

4) On Sunday unearth the casket of Notorious B.I.G. and remove all remaining jewelry

5) Brush LYOR COHEN’s Wigs when back at WMG Manhattan offices on Monday

6) Tuesday – make YouTube video of BadBoy staff dancing when Soundscan reports are delivered

With DIDDY as busy as he is these days I’m not sure who will host the BET Hip-Hop Awards. The bigger question I have is do people still watch B.E.T.? It seems kind of redundant and cheaply produced when compared to MTV2 and VH-1. Maybe it’s time to pull the plug on the Negro Network?

Then again we could just pour champagne on top of it and set it on fire. That would be keeping it Hip-Hop.

pissy crissy

The DP dot com Football Pool (Wk 7)

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

ray-vens

Awwwww ish! We are only one week away from the season’s midpoint and some clubs are shaping up as contenders. The RAY-Vens looked like contenders early on, but with Air McNAIR injured they will have to rely on their defenders, namely, the above pictured defendent.

Look at Chicago, still undefeated, and still not convincing anyone that they can go to the Super Bowl. Nobody really believes in my Cowboys yet either, but after this weekend you will know. Don’t ride with CANDICE this week because she is going down. How ’bout them Cowboys?!?!

SNICKERS advertising agency has passed on the chance to put their brand at the top of our football pool posts. We should send them some e-mails to ask them what the problem is. Nothing too crazy, just some friendly shout outs talking about how we eat that crap. I have some tough picks for you jokers this week. I don’t think any of y’all will score more than 4 points. Let’s see what the lineup looks like…

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ CINCINNATI BEGALS
There’s gonna be a catfight in Ohio and I am leaning towards the Panties for the win because STEVE SMITH is like Wu-Tang, he ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

DETROIT LIONS @ NY JETS
By the time this game is played the New York Miracles should have disposed of the St.Louis Cardinals. In which case there will be a New York – Detroit World Series. How are you going to go against the Jets? They used to play out of Shea.

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS
FAVRE is a bum, but so is CULPEPPER. FAVRE is an old racist bum. The ‘Fins better own his azz like he said something bad about they momma.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ BUFFALO BILLS

Who will get down with me and say BUFFALO pulls off the upset? Chumps!


PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS

Pittsburgh’s offense came back in big way last week and the Falcons are still an enigma to me. This win gets the Steelers back to .500.

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS
Normally, after suffering through a tumultuous week, I would go with Arizona to be the winner in the first ‘Who Gives A Fuck Bowl’, but there is no way Oakland is going to lose all of their games is there? Raiders finally get off the ice.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
How crazy would a ‘Skins upset be after Indy just traded for a defensive lineman? That’d just be crazy. I’m not crazy.

Okay poolers, show me what you got…

SNEAKER FIENDS UNITE!

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

This is just a little taste of how it’s going down this autumn. Premium leather uppers with the Infra-Red contrast stitching and midsoles.

FIRE IN ZEE HOLE!

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The Axis Of Evil: DP dot com Revised Edition

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

maulbush

Now that all of this Hip-Hop nonsense is over with we can get back to doing what we were born to do – help President BUSH get his approval rating back up to 50%. If you come to think of it, an approval rating of only 33% is just a 17 point swing. We can make that ground up in the three weeks remaining until mid-term elections. Nevermind the facts that more U.S. troops are dying in Iraq than ever before. Blame that on the Democrats that voted for the war. I also say forget all that nonsense inflation and No Child Left Behind talk, because the ‘Back-To-School’ shoppers proved that our education system has never looked better.

Now is the time that we need to rally around the President against some of the bad guys that the Administration will try to censure during their remaining time in office. Look at all the progress that the BUSH Administration has made so far. SADDAM HUSSEIN takes pictures in his underpants. YASSIR ARAFAT is so dead to us. GEOGE STEINBRENNER hasn’t fired a single manager. This is global progress hotdammit and y’all need to recognize that even though that bitch Katrina came through and kicked up some dust we are still like 5 out of 10 as far as getting the bad guys goes (if you allow us to count the DICK CHENEY hunting trip and the KENNETH LAY heart attack).

Listen, all I’m saying is that we have to reorganize our priorities and that means a slight re-configuration to the Axis of Evil. Once we nail these guys you will see the skies open up and the price of oil go back to $1.50 per gallon. You just watch…

kim KIM JONG IL
What the hell is this dude’s problem?!? The name of the nation’s capital is Poonyang. KIM JONG should get some poonyang and then he might not need to wear those Cazal frames all the time. Now I don’t believe in dealing with terrorists either, but I will lift the karaoke machine embargo on his nation this one time just so that he can learn the melody to the Tears For Fears song ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World

priest CATHOLIC PRIESTS
Evangelicals never have these problems. Catholic priests stay pissing people off seven ways ’til Sunday. Who is this priest that made MARK FOLEY into such a predatory beast, even after repeated warnings and confidential meetings?

ayatollah

True story, it’s not just Catholic priests that are problematic. Fundamentalism is about screwing up the minds of young boys and sending them off to war while we profit from their deaths. It doesn’t really matter who you claim to pray to when you placate your god with murder and death.

tony larussa TONY LaRUSSA
This guy wears so much red he has to be a gang banger or a communist, or maybe both.

borat BORAT
Speaking of communists… I don’t see what’s so funny about his rampant anti-Semitism. He’s the man keeping Kazahk culture in the middle ages.

roker AL ROKER
I’m totally convinced that underneath the ‘Fry That Chicken’ smile AL ROKER is really SYLAR the meta-bad guy from the new NBC drama series ‘Heroes’.

early

EARLY CUYLER
Confederate segregationist squid from the northern mountains of Georgia. EARLY hates everything especially work and the law. Watch EARLY and his son RUSTY find new ways to mangle the English language and escape prison every Sunday night at midnight on Adult Swim at the Cartoon Network.