The TURTLENECKS vs. The TURBANS goes into overtime.
Forget about the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins, this is the most classic of rivalries on the planet. I am not saying that an actual cowboys and redskins matchup couldn’t get bloody, but how many injuns did you ever hear of owning a Lawes ground-to-air missile launcher?!? Thank you.
So you ask, “Who are the Turbans? And who are the Turtlenecks?” Honestly, that’s a hard question to answer. It’s like trying to figure out the racial designation of a MARIAH CAREY and a TIGER WOODS. There’s a big ass gray area when you try to get all ethno-specific so instead I want you to think of these people from the perspective of sports teams. Actually, they are just like interstate rivals.
The Turbans best player was the AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.
He was like the DAN MARINO of the Middle East game. He couldn’t win the big one even though he burned down the record books. No, seriously. He literally burned down all the books in Iran as he established the Islamic theocracy they have today. Theocracy is all well and good, but you still need some long scrilla to win at this game and the Turbans weren’t playing with the best looking paper either. At least they kept it rial.
The Turbans cheerleader pin up calendar could never be mistaken for the Dallas Cowgirls, but when in Tehran you do what you can with what you have.
One of my theories as to why the playa better known as the Ayatollah couldn’t get over the hump was because of his coaching staff. The Turbans were coached by a group of guys who historically couldn’t win the big one.
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THAT OLD CRAZY GUY This coach had the best moustache that side of TEDDY ROOSEVELT, but he didn’t listen to his assistants too well. I think he killed them all. |
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COACH GORBY The coaching gets somewhat better because the offensive game plan is completely changed. It is switched from a system that required sharing the ball with everyone (communism) into a more focused system which only allows for one scorer while the rest of the team supports that player (capitalism). Coach also had a cool map of the Ukraine tatted on top of his head. |
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BIG YELLER Of all the previous coaches, BIG YELLER, had the most charisma. The problem was that he never made a lick of sense since he kept flask of Georgi inside his jacket pocket. |
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COACH P Peep the JEFF VAN GUNDY combover. |
The Turtlenecks have been coached by Uncle Sam since the beginning. Hell, Uncle Sam hasn’t just been the coach, he has been the director of player personnel too.
Ever since they picked up free agent SADDAM HUSSEIN the team has pretty much remained intact. Uncle Sam used the Turtlenecks to keep lesser teams in check like the Taliban for instance. Think of the Taliban as a bunch of streetball players from the And1 Tour who want to take a shot at playing in the big leagues. You know these streetball niggas aren’t really coachable and eventually they will bite the hand that feeds them. SADDAM was good at keeping these fools in their lane with a mixture of intimidation and extortion. Just as an aside, I have to give props to the turtlenecks or their snazzy uniforms.
The Turtleneck cheerleaders weren’t any easier on the eyes than their Turban counterparts.
Don’t try to pay for that shwarma kabab at the Baghdad diner with these dinars. Turtleneck currency currently isn’t even worth the paper its printed on. (I apologize for all of that alliteration, but my job is to make you read and not just look at the pretty pictures)
And the best part of all this crap that you just read is that the game isn’t over yet. Tune into the 2am SportsCenter for the final score.
