From being a public access talk show host to an overnight internets celebrity, sex therapist ALEXYSS TYLOR keeps her shit realer than most. Real raw and unky that is. Study her lessons well and you will become a master of penis and/or pussy power.
‘Dick Will Make You Slap Somebody’
By looking at me now you would never know that I was an avid cyclist for many years. Several ridiculous accidents finally took their toll on my body, but I occasionally still enjoy a spin around Prospect Park on my Klein mountain bike.
My true love is my Cannondale Shark track bike. Like all official track bikes it has a fixed wheel gear ratio and because it’s a Cannondale the tubing is high strength aluminum and light as a feather. Track bikes don’t have a laundry list of components and where it matters I used all high grade Shimano parts. I even changed the handlebars to Modolo bullhorn bars for that sexy aggressive profile. It’s a beaut of a horse and if you have ever ridden a fixed wheel bike then you already know that the Cannondale Shark is like the Murcielago of that shit.
I peeped this video one day on YouTube and it was totally reminiscent of my experience spinning through New York City Manhattan. Until humans evolve and gain the ability to fly this is the closest thing to that feeling…
First off, let me thank everyone that registered to play in the DP Dot Com cRap Music Fantasy League. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. What kept it from blowing up were my limitations at computer programming. If there is an Excel or spreadsheet wiz that fucks with DP Dot Com holler at me on the e-mail and let me know if your interested in helping me get this thing popping off the right way. You wouldn’t know it since people don’t acknowledge it but I spend tons of my scrilla sending people all kinds of shit when they help the website or participate in contests that I run. Help me out and I guarantee that you’ll at least get a fly pair of kicks in return for your effort.
The premise of the cRap Music Fantasy League is that each player runs their own record label which has eight performers. At least one of them had to be a female rapper and also they needed to have one R & B singer (male or female). The label owners could even opt to have dead rappers on their label’s roster with the understanding that “dead rapper’s get better promotion” – (c)Jadakiss. The cRap Music Fantasy League is like a popularity contest and whichever artists can keep themselves in the media spotlight are the ones that will bring you the higher score. But ultimately, the cRap Fantasy League is a points driven game and certain favorable events in the course of a artists career will garner that performer points. Certified gold and platinum records were worth points to your label, but since this was a cRap Music game other events had value as well. Arrests and convictions including jail time could move your label up in the standings and death of someone on your roster was a surefire way to win the contest outright.
Not that we want any rappers to die or anything, but there are a few that could just kill themselves and the world would be fine with that. Anyhoo, I asked the label owners to submit their rosters and label names several times. Here are the labels that made it through into the league’s registration process…
Because of the number of labels as compared to the number of desirable cRappers in today’s cRap music landscape you will notice that many labels share similar artists. The only key to success was having the combination of cRappers that would be leading the industry during the opening months of 2007. Here is a list artists who were points leaders during the first quarter of 2007…
 |
JAY-Z = 1750 points Jigga was the M.V.P. beast of the league on the strength of a double platinum certification for his recent album ‘Kingdome Come’ and the myriad amount of licensing deals he caked up with in the first quarter. Redsigning Cherry Coke… Selling Roc-A-Wear for $200mil… GM x JAY-Z blue?!? |
 |
AKON = 1000 pts If we excluded South Africa, AKON might make more money than the GNP of all of Africa. Through a string of successful R & B hits this over-synthesized pop singer has been tearing up the U.S. charts. Only ROBIN THICKE plays the radio more than this dude. |
 |
NOTORIOUS B.I.G. = 1000 pts Notorious B.I.G. was a solid pick because this year happened to be the tenth anniversary of his murder. With an album release and countless media coverage this sleeper pick could have put you over the top. |
 |
LIL’ WAYNE – 750 points I’m curious as to why LIL’ WAYNE is so popular. He doesn’t seem to be too talented a wordsmith and he speaks in a disjointed and somewhat retarded manner in interviews, but maybe that’s what the people relate to nowadays. Anyhoo, you can’t go wrong picking him for your roster because the powers that be love little, snarly, gremlin-looking Black men for their minstrel revivals. |
 |
FISTY SCENT – 750 points I’m used to FISTY being such a juggernaut in pop culture I thought for sure he would dominate the league. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t hear too much from him at all until Cam’Ron decided to awaken the sleeping giant with his taunts of Fisty’s government name. I’d keep Fisty on your roster if you have him because he’s liable to break out with more book deals and prah’lee a snack cake liscensing agreement or some shit. |
 |
YOUNG JEEZY = 750 pts Who is inspired by this dude? More people than I could imagine. Despite looking like a seal with jewelry on JEEZY the Snowman makes his RIAA quota. |
 |
YOUNG BUCK = 750 pts BUCK might be finding himself in the same place as a former G-Unit star if he doesn’t get his mind right. Fisty Scent doesn’t take kindly to subordinates who appear unloyal. With all the popular cRappers coming from the southern region I don’t consider BUCK a keeper pick in the cRap Music Fantasy League. |
 |
LUDACRIS = 500 pts After cutting off his trademark mane LUDACRIS has become a mediocre cRapper. cRappers like T.I., WAYNE and JEEZY dominate the southern region and LUDACRIS may have his eyes on Hollywood now anyhoo. He’s a good pick if you have some inside information, but if not leave him off your squad. |
 |
CIARA = 500 pts She is certainly talented and beautiful. And bigger than all of that it’s finally been agreed that CIARA is actually a woman. |
 |
FERGIE = 500 pts When people call her rap band the Black Eyed Peas they didn’t realize that FERGIE took that to literally mean pee her pants. I guess her impromptu golden showers have helped her achieve greater than golden certification from the RIAA. |
 |
NELLY FURTADO = 500 pts Do you remember that brief scandal about R & B chantueses giving up the booty to their producers as exchange for their production skills? Do you think NELLY fucked Timbaland? If we find out that she did I am retracting all of her points. |
 |
LIL’ BOW WOW = 500 pts How crazy is it that LIL’ BOW WOW is still a teen idol. You know this dude is like 32 right? He has that shit that dude Webster had where you don’t grow up anymore. |
 |
FOXY BROWN = 500 pts FOXY has become rap music’s hot ghetto mess. She makes REMY MA look like she has her shit together. From probation to arrest back to another probation warning, FOXY is begging the courts to assign her a stint in a supervised halfway house. Pray for her ass. |
 |
CHRIS BROWN = 500 pts While USHER is busy taking care of other people’s baby mamas CHRIS BROWN has stepped in to fill the void. |
 |
BUSTA RHYMES = 250 pts What the fuck happened to BUSTA?!? Do you think it’s the after effects of steroids? Whatever it is BUSTA looks like he is going to have to give a minute of his life to the county lockup. |
 |
CAM’RON = 250 pts Not too much going on with Cam’Ron except some ‘hood videos. |
 |
LIL’ FLIP = 250 pts After beating up T.I. a few years ago I thougtht that Lil’ Flip’s career would be done, but lo and behold, he releases another album that I prah’lee won’t listen to. |
 |
DEVIN the Dude = 250 pts DEVIN’s latest album ‘Waiting To Inhale’ was a fun romp through the mind of a tragic weedhead. |
 |
REDMAN = 250 pts The return of REGGIE NOBLE means that Hip-Hop isn’t dead yet. |
After totaling up the labels with the highest scores I award the title of DallasPenn Dot Com Crap Music Mogul to DEAF JAM Records. Send me your address and your shoe size for your free pair of NIKE Dunks.
Hip-Hop died last year, but don’t tell pal JOEY from the website, Straight Bangin’ Dot Com. He has almost single handedly resurrected the movement by praying to the elders. In a figurative and literal kind of way. He sent me (and several hundred bloggers and personalities) an e-mail requesting a list of my top 25 G.O.A.T. Hip-Hop albums.
This sounded like a fun project at first and I begun by thinking of my all time favorite rap album. Public Enemy’s ‘Fear Of A Black Planet’ is one of the two Hip-Hop albums that I will take on the spaceship with me. When this album was released New York City was a blatant boiling cauldron of social inequality and supremacy that was out of control. The YUSUF HAWKINS lynching, the lying Central Park jogger who conspired with corrupt police to demonize innocent Black males and a draft-dodging, race-baiting, onetime Federal prosecutor campaigned for mayor of the city.
The song ‘Fight The Power’ was inspiration made reality when P.E. came to Bedford Stuyvesant and Crown Heights to film their video for the soundtrack. I had spent my teenage years mostly fighting other Black and Brown teens, but now my vision was no longer blurred and I knew who was responsible for the wickedness in the world. If you told me back then that the son of a BUSH called G DUBBZ would be president and the white-gloved minstrel character of Flavor Flav would be the face of rap in the future I would have laughed you off the block. I miss being that naive…
So here’s my list of my 25 favorite Hip-Hop albums. Yes, some of your favorites aren’t here and if that bothers you so much send a list of your favorite 25 over to JOEY @ StraightBangin’ Dot Com. I’m sure he’d like to do nothing more during this beautiful weekend but to collate lists from us internets freaks celebrities.
And now, the list…
Put me on a spaceship with this album as well as COLTRANE’s ‘Giant Steps’, ‘Mothership Connection’ and STEVIE’s ‘Talking Book’ and ‘Innervisions’
The DNA of this album can clone rap music for generations
This was the last album that I memorized from beginning to end. Free RODNEY KING!
The Sun, Moon and stars along with the spirit of RAKIM ALLAH came together to form this rap music manifesto masterpiece
True Hip-Hop pioneers that expanded the content of the genre. Their relevance to this day proves that the album wasn’t a fluke
KRS-1 gave the notion of a teacher a new dimension as he added historian and warrior to the mix
Your label’s budget would collapse if you tried to duplicate the Bomb Squad’s early production techniques. Imagine trying to clear forty samples… For just ONE track!?!
This album defines a generation
Show these niggas some mother-effing respect. Best. Album. Art. Evar.
Twice as good as his debut. Proof that he could use any style to spit lyrics.
My rapstar hero because of his intelligence and his shortcomings. His heart was purer than 99.9% of the rest of the world. He should be considered a saint. “Wu-Tang is for the children”
The strength of this album cements B.I.G. as the G.O.A.T. because he could write a hit album for a lady with no problem.
This was when I first got turned on to these cats. Diverse and talented pioneers.
My final thoughts on this list… Damn, I’m old.
Let’s do it Rebel style Brooklyn!
GAME REBELLION, the Bed-Stuy-Bushwick-Brownsville-Ocean Hill mosh pit champs will be performing live and direct.
Sa-Ra listening party as well. I’m so in there like swimwear bitches.
April 21st – TONIGHT!
Southpaw
125 Fifth Avenue
Brooklyn, NY
Doors: 8.00pm
$10.00 in advance available on www.Ticketweb.com
$12.00 at the door
GAME REBELLION – ‘Sexercise’