Now that the year is up I am ceasing my SEINFELD moratorium. This means that I can go see ‘Bee Movie’ with C.S. this weekend and resume watching what was television’s funniest show evar.
‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ is from the genius of the SEINFELD show’s co-creator LARRY DAVID. It is setup as a faux reality show following the travails of this man who left all the success of a hit television sitcom to settle into a normal life with his wife. LARRY DAVID’s life is anything but normal and week after week the show highlights the outrageous nueroses(sp) of the man the George Costanza character was derived from.
Guest stars portray themselves as LARRY DAVID’s real-life friends and oftentimes real-life nemeses as they try to contend with this insufferably selfish nebbish. No one could be as annoying as LARRY DAVID is and live to tell the story. Lucky for dude that he is so damn funny.
In one season of the show we watch as LARRY DAVID exhausts every single friendship and marker of goodwill he has in Hollywood while he and some other television stars try to open a restaurant. At every turn LARRY does something inadvertant to delay the grand opening of the eatery. Finally, LARRY chooses the chef to his liking, or more likely the only one in L.A. that will accomodate his constant kvetching.
The only problem however is the chef suffers from Turret’s Syndrome and is prone to profanity. With an open kitchen that is viewable and audible from all the restaurant’s patrons how will LARRY DAVID respond if and when his head chef explodes with expletives?
In another NSFW episode, LARRY DAVID does some ghostwriting for guest star WANDA SYKES new gangsta rapper boyfriend, Krayzee Eyes Killa.
If you haven’t seen the video below, you only need to watch the first 45 seconds or so to get the point of this drop
This will be the funniest drop of the week. I’m laughing already. It’s just that damn funny!!! Ha-ha, ha, ha ha ha-ha! What we have is the latest music video from Hip Hop’s very own Macduff, Curtis ‘50Cent’ Jackson, featuring the only illegal alien who doesn’t have to carry an ID, Akon.
The music video starts with Fifty and his weedcarriers in tow, chanting the mantra heard round the world, “I get money, I-I get, I-I [money] get, I [money] I-I get money”, or however the fuck it goes, before cutting to what appears to be a maximum security prison with big ass dog bowls of… cereal? Akon and Fifty are the prisoners!! I’ll break it down for you. They went from being celebrities to prisoners, because they’ll ‘still kill’. [Wipes eyes from tears of laughter]
It seems as though Fifty and Akeezy aren’t the only ones who will still kill. You see, the Pennsylvania Department of Correction commisioned this study of PV’s versus PS’s. That’s Parole Violators and Parole Successes for all of you who don’t speak Inmate-ese. Can you believe I read all sixty-seven motherfucking pages when all I needed to do was to throw on my copy of ‘Curtis’? [I’m cracking up over here!]
For a variety of reasons, 60 percent of all Black parolees are violated within less than a year of release. Holy shit! Over half of ex convicts ‘will still kill’? I didn’t know that. Thank goodness this video is Jam of the Week! [Oh come on, that was funny right?! You cats at DP dot com have no sense of humor].
“I got a arsenal, an infantry I’m built for this mentally”
Surprise, surprise, a combined percentage of crimes amongst PV’s involving weapons as the controlling offense is well over 35 percent. You don’t have to take my word for it, Curtis tells you! It’s right there in the lyrics! Hey you fucking consumers, it’s not just the T.I.’s making money off this rap catastrophe. Lawyers are caking like crazy too.
“Ain’t nuttin change still holla at my homies/Ohh and when I hit the block I still will kill”
PV’s are significantly more likely to maintain relationships with friends who had a criminal past. You don’t really believe that ‘birds of a feather’ bullshit do you? I mean, we don’t have any real evidence that Curtis, or Akon for that matter have ever killed anyone!!! [Ha-ha!] Get it? In order for them to ‘still kill’ they would first have to kill someone! That’s what weedcarriers are for, keep smilin’, keep shinin’.
“Niggaz know, if not they better check my background” About 1.5 million convicted felons have completed their sentences and still do not have the right to vote! You didn’t expect Curtis to know that did you? How could he? He isn’t even from one of the 14 states that severely restrict or even prohibit onetime prisoners from casting ballots. Damn right they better check your background. It’s not like all ex-felons can’t vote. In states where they can vote, the process of restoring rights is seen by some as cumbersome and confusing. All this time, I thought rights were something you inherently have, not something you acquire! More excuses, poor technology? Bullshit, 1,086,910 people bought Fifty’s last album and we all know he’s tired of using technology-ology-gy [Ha ha ha, motherfucking ha! I’m DYING over here, can you hear me?!?!?]
It is not fucking fair to say that only unrealistic post-release expectations play a factor in success or failure of a parolee! Fif got shot nine times and lived! Talk about unrealistic expectations! You mean to tell me, after five or more years in prison, upon release, cats don’t feel prepared to face issues like money management, drug and alcohol problems, finding a job, and keeping a job? Getting shot 9 times and making millions or going back to the same environment that got you locked up in the first place, any takers? Fuck that, don’t talk to me about unrealistic expectations. LOSERS! [Whooooo!! Forbes 1.2.3 remember?]
“Put my back on the wall nigga watch me go for mine.”
Parole Violators reported illegal or criminal behavior as an acceptable solution to problems, well who fucking doesn’t? The NYPD is the most shining example of handling problems that need to get dealt with. If you’re going for a hairbrush, you’re fucked.[Oh DAMN! Maxine, you’re killing em out there! Ha ha haha haha]
Seriously, why aren’t you laughing? This is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. Don’t take responsibility for what you do and say, it’s just entertainment right? [Ha-ha] It’s supposed to tell a story [*chuckle*]. This is not everyone’s reality right? [ha] Lighten up. Why.Aren’t.You.Laughing? I’m laughing so hard [hahahaha] I can’t [ah] feel my [aha] face.
The Patriots are a ridiculous machine, but they can’t go undefeated, can they?
Furiou$tylez is owning cats on this football pool. Should I just take his sneaker size now or are you fools gonna get serious? I still think that its official that homeboy hasn’t been the pick leader outright in any week, but he is a consistent dude week in week out.
I see you hanging tough Belize. I see you trying to come up Zilla Rocca. Free sneakers is on the line here (no Iraqi invasion required). Don’t get caught sleeping this week. Make your picks before you eat your turkey sandwich.
My homey, The Big Homie, over at My Hangover went in with the latest published crime statistics for big cities. Detroit, Michigan is the best of the worst, back on top where they belong.
I have never been to another city quite like the ‘D’. The rate of homelessness for African American males is totally absurd. This hyper-realized poverty is what drives the crime rate up. Detroit is so poor that I witnessed a shuttered and derelict Foot Locker store. When Black folks are too broke to buy sneakers then you know that shit is fucked the fuck up over there. Shout to GIL SCOT-HERON on this track…
‘We Almost Lost Detroit’
Here’s the list of the top twenty five U.S. cities if your goal is to live on the bottom…
1. Detroit, Michigan
2. St. Louis, Missouri
3. Flint, Michigan
4. Oakland, California
5. Camden, New Jersey
6. Birmingham, Alabama
7. North Charleston, South Carolina
8. Memphis, Tennessee
9. Richmond, California
10. Cleveland, Ohio
11. Orlando, Florida
12. Baltimore, Maryland
13. Little Rock, Arkansas
14. Compton, California
15. Youngstown, Ohio
16. Cincinnati, Ohio
17. Gary, Indiana
18. Kansas City, Missouri
19. Dayton, Ohio
20. Newark, New Jersey
21. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
22. Atlanta, Georgia
23. Jackson, Mississippi
24. Buffalo, New York
25. Kansas City, Kansas
A few notes come to mind as I review the list…
Ohio as a state should just kill itself
Philly is so fucked the fuck up that they even made Camden shitty
No matter which Kansas City you live in, you stay losing
T.I. singlehandedly helped Atlanta get their weight up with his arsenal collection
On December 6th, 2007 at PIANO’s club on Ludlow Street, NYC it is going down so i.C. OhWord dot com and Liberated Matter presents STAND UP!
*with the iNTERNETS CELEBRITIES as your hosts!*
Five dope emcees doing their thing…
DONNNY GOINES
HIRED GUN
CAUSE
NYOIL
+ a special guest that will give you the oops upside your head like you already know. Shit will be church up in that piece so don’t monkey around and miss this night of true underground Hip-Hop. Copp your ducats online here.
The i.C.’s will NOT be rapping, but we will have our Nike Dunks on.
