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Editor’s note: Political scandals involving sex and money is when MAXINE pulls out the ratchet and starts gunning down clowns. She takes aim today at the usual suspects.

Money laundering is the new sexy. Remember when that shit used to be capital Murder a/k/a Murder One? Oh, you don’t believe me? I remember when all you had to do was look like a killer and Giuliani’s goons would have your nuts in a vice grip. Do you hear me? VICE motherfuckers, VICE. Couldn’t nothing make Donna Hanover’s pussy wetter than a first degree murder charge, believe that (Mo money! Mo money!). Nowadays you can cap a motherfucker and still make it home before the body gets cold. That is if the person who you merc’ked wasn’t a white co-ed who happened to be the student body president at UNC.

You are fucked nigga, they gon put your ass UNDER the jail… Bwaaaahahahaha.

Moving the fuck on, as I was saying, capital murder just ain’t what it used to be. Money laundering, now that’s where the real glory is, that’s the real slick rebel shit to get down with these days and I can’t really say I’m that mad. Fuck the IRS, if it wasn’t a shame I would have changed my party affiliation just so I could vote for Mike Huckabee, who would abolish the IRS. Now he is a white man who understands the principalities of this here financial thang, keep all your money, spend it where you want, and try to avoid the man at all costs. It’s a damn shame we all got caught up in that concept thing. Pockets woulda stayed fat for 2008, it’s called the Fair Tax Act, look it up because while I’m tempted to rant, this drop is not about the Fair Tax Act, Mike Huckabee or Geraldine Ferarro’s geriatric ass.

Money laundering is essentially washing or “laundering” dirty money made so through illegal and often criminal activity. Yes you read that right, illegal and often criminal, the two are not one in the same and I’ll explain why later. According to Wikipedia, the Anti-Laundering Network, and my cousin Raheim, laundering occurs in three phases:

1. Placement- the point of entry so to speak. This is the first action to obtain the funds and is usually illegal and/or criminal

2. Layering- the cover-up. An intricate process, Layering is the set up of networks designed to hide the Placement connection.

3. Integration-the funds are returned to the economy clean and devoid of any criminal and/or illegal activity. It’s like the stimulus package

Oh that “shot in the arm” for all taxpaying Americans coming before the summer? Dirty money. Americans are about to take part in a laundering scheme that would make Harriet Tubman blush. $145 Billion washed white as a virgin. Well, a virgin who isn’t from Iowa anyway, but you get the point. See, this type of shit happens every day, and it doesn’t become a big deal until a governor’s handlers lose sight of his dick and he starts fucking every brunette with a price tag. Then the comptrollers and shit come a knockin’ and now what to do?

The Patriot [no Robert Kraft] Act of 2001 makes it increasingly easy and non-evasive (meaning your ass don’t know about it) to track bank transactions. All banks (all of them…even yours) are required to report any transactions over $10,000.01 as “suspicious activity.” Somehow the
government came up with this minimum amid fears of terrorist financing, you know the terrorists, the ones who listen in to our phone calls and use satellites to track what TV we watch and what music we buy. Eh, or we could be talking about the crazy ass extremists who took over our planes and crashed those bitches, but you get the point. The real deal is that if you got $10,000 or more and you ain’t told Uncle Sam how many times he can fuck your girl, or your little brother for that matter, you broke the law son!

Money launderers have no voice these days, those who dare evade the financial laws of this great Union doth pay the price. We all know the big names, Benazir Bhutto (tips my Styrofoam cup), Irv Gotti (check yo watch partna’, cause your time is almost up), Manual Noriega, Senator Davis from the Wire, the list goes on and on. Fame and publicity lead to the glamour effect of laundering money and getting caught, but see the point is NOT to get caught and not everyone who is making dirty money clean is laundering millions of dollars, nor is everyone doing this shit to gain political power or leverage.

Take Twanda Carlisle for example. Carlisle is a former City Council-Woman in the most ‘hood councilmatic district in the city of Pittsburgh. Through a series of complex layering and fake consulting, in 2006 she laundered more, but not much more, than $43,000 and she did it all for a mink coat!!! Once the scandal came to light, they promptly sent her ass upstate. Now remind you Carlisle initially won her seat through a coin toss but hey, she understood the ‘hood and there are a lot of people still living in her district that stand by her even today. Upstate, that’s where she’s chilling right now, and they made her give back the mink. DAMNIT!

	Selling drugs is Illegal. Selling drugs to your community, making a shit ton of money and investing it in a rap label, making a shit ton more money, then fucking your business partner by buying out his share and giving it to a short Jewish guy who doesn’t think building a fucking STADIUM in the boro of Brooklyn will cause additional heavy traffic is CRIMINAL. Do I make sense?

	Lying under oath is Illegal. Lying on the witness stand after getting some brain from a crazy broad who kept the jizz-stained dress after the encounter and then moving your ass up to Harlem, raising property taxes, playing the saxophone, eating at Silvia’s and thinking you identify with the Black experience is CRIMINAL. Tell me I’m lying!?!

This is what living in a capitalistic society will make you do for a dollar. This is what people will do for a dollar.

Damn.

Cash Rules Everything Around Me.