With the Autumn and the MLB World Series fast approaching, our collective fancies turn to the season’s two major topics – LOVE and BASEBALL. My goal today is to show my readers that the desire and appreciation for these things is not mutually exclusive. LOVE and BASEBALL belong together like peas and rice, like Dominicans and 7 people stuffed in a Nissan Maxima, like white on the Country Music Channel.
How many times have we regarded giving someone a kiss as “getting to first base”? More times that you can probably recall I’m sure, but getting to first base is only a very small part of playing baseball. It doesn’t describe the action that takes place on the subsequent pitches or even the later innings.
The following BILLY SUNDAY GUIDE TO LOVE AND BASEBALL will help both men and women have a better understanding of the summer’s two favorite pastimes. Print out this guide and take it with you when you visit a ball park or your lover’s house. Keep in mind the most important rule when playing LOVE and BASEBALL: never hate the player, hate the game.
BILLY SUNDAY’s GUIDE TO LOVE AND BASEBALL 2005
1. Getting to First Base – player advances position by placing a soft kiss on lips of opposing player
**Strikeout (OUT) – player says something inane or impolite or outrageous or just plain stupid. Coach BILLY SUNDAYS’ advice is to cut out the dumb chatter or you will never make it to the ‘nappy’ dugout’.
2. Taking a Lead Off First Base – player sticks a small part of tongue thru the lips of opposing player
**Picked Off of First Base (OUT) – player illegally grabs buttocks of opposing player while only on First Base
3. Getting to Second Base – player uses entire tongue in mouth of opposing player while placing one hand behind opposing player’s head and other hand on opposing player’s breast/chest
**Double Play (OUT) – player is caught with bad breath and unmoistureized ashy hands which scuff your skin. Double Plays are dangerous because they can end an inning and therefore your turn at bat. You know when an inning is over by the uncomfortable silence followed by one player’s immediate desire to drive to another state – alone.
4. Getting to Third Base – player is now legally allowed to advance position by grabbing opposing player’s buttocks, typically using the ‘squeeze’ play or the ‘cup and lift’ technique
5. Getting Home – player has rounded all the bases and is now ready to score with opposing player. A typical play for home has a hand on opposing player’s genitalia.
**FOUL BALLS – Foul Balls are strikes against a player and they can lead to outs which end innings. My advice to all players is to hit the showers before the playing field.
6. Home Run – player performs cunnilingus or fellatio(as required) to opposing player. Should orgasm occur add one additional run to player’s score.
7. Stealing Home – one of the most difficult ways in which to score requires a player to perform anal intercourse on an opposing player(no additional runs scored for ‘pegging’).
8. R.B.I. – properly using ‘rubbers’ or condoms is a safe way to play LOVE and BASEBALL, plus you can collect the wrappers similar to keeping scorecards.
9. The Grand Slam – is what we all came to see. Full penetration intercourse and orgasms for both players. The batter will probably leave some batter so if you are in the cleanup position don’t be too upset.
LOVE and BASEBALL will be played many times this summer so I hope that everyone enjoys the games and drives home safely. I also forgot to include earlier that LOVE and BASEBALL is sanctioned for only consenting players. So if someone doesn’t like BASEBALL… NO means
NO!
