A DP.com shout out goes to Mr.SIMMS for this one.
Archive for the ‘Sports are Gay’ Category
SEPARATED AT BIRTH: Nerds With Swag…
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009Slicker Than A Can Of Oil…
Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
The best news I think I have read in the last few weeks is the proposed return to major league baseball of one DENNIS ‘Oil Can’ BOYD.
There was a time in the late 1980’s when all of these huckleberry county ass fools named DENNIS were a problem in professional sports. DENNIS RODMAN, DENNIS GREEN and DENNIS ‘Oil Can’ BOYD.
At 49 yrs old Oil Can could be considered to be “off his rocker” for thinking that he could return to pro baseball, but when you have SATCHEL PAIGE as a spiritual hero there is nothing that is impossible.
I wish the Mets would pick up this unusual free agent since he shouldn’t be too costly to sign. The man hasn’t pitched professionally for nearly twenty years.
Quiet as its kept I think Oil Can might still be younger than ORLANDO ‘El Duque’ HERNANDEZ who played against SATCHEL PAIGE in Cuba.
Eastbound & Down For The Count…
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
How do you have a show called Eastbound & Down and you DON’T play the anthem for trucker trash culture? That’s a fail off the bat.
The second strike is all this hype about a baseball sitcom and then NO baseball. What is the deal with that?
The third strike was the writing which might have been on strike at the time. You are fucking out Eastbound & Down.
The good thing for you guys is that there are nine innings.
The truth about television show premieres is that they are often less hit and more miss. Home Box Office however has a ridiculous track record for their original programming so you can expect at minimum a certain level of entertainment. Where their series ‘Flight of the Conchords’ is smart, and unassuming in its wit, ‘Eastbound & Down’ is predictable with its punchlines. I’m not saying thats a bad thing at all, but HBO has spoiled us rotten with quirky, hilarious shit like LARRY DAVID’s ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’. Its a little weird for me to find myself giving a shit about Kenny Powers who is the lead character in ‘Eastbound & Down’. CYE’s Larry made his selfishness and stupidity amusing. EB & D’s Kenny Powers is just grating.
The same people who brought us shit like ‘Talladega Nights’ and ‘Step Brothers’ along with the same actor who featured in ‘Tropic Thunder’ and ‘Pineapple Express’ have teamed up to give us nothing like the hot shit I just mentioned. Where ‘Eastbound & Down’ fails is that the writing seems to have been set up for a laugh track. Characters aren’t just one dimensional. Some are non-dimensional. And I can’t force myself to laugh at a holograph. The writers need to sit down and decide what they want to do with this character who is supposedly a former major league player of the highest caliber all the while being a cretin of the lowest possible moral fiber.
I’m not saying that it can’t work, but someone needs to come in and refine the show. DANNY McBRIDE is funny as the lead even though he is working with some cliche’d bits. The show should have dealt with his downward spiral from the majors. Kenny Powers should have been that guy that snorted cocaine off a stripper’s ass cheek. That is the outrageous the show needed as opposed to showing us a nude shot of McBride in the shower at the middle school his character is supposed to be teaching at. Nude shots and profanity are all golden when they are done right, but when they are done wrong, they are just gold-plated like the slum jewelry on Jamaica Avenue.
I’m going to give ‘Eastbound & Down’ at least one more shot because the creative team behind Funny Or Die has to still have some funny left inside of them. Also because my folks from Cornerstone Marketing make sure that I stay invited to shit that I love with no reservation. If ‘Eastbound & Down’ doesn’t make it to sweeps week (does cable even give a fuck about that shit?) don’t blame DP dot com. Blame the fact that JERRY REED’s theme song from ‘Smokey & The Bandit’ was nowhere to be heard.
From Gay-Rod To A-Roids…
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
Assholes like ALEX RODRIGUEZ and ROGER CLEMENS are totally predictable. The only thing these dudes care about is their legendary status. They could give two shits about their wives or their families. The wives might as well be groupies and the kids would be better off putting a pen in their hand and asking for an autograph.
Do you remember when Ghey-Rod and his wife were about to split up because he had totally moved out and shacked up with Madonna? Ghey-Rod didn’t give a shit who knew or how they felt. He told all of us haters to go fuck ourselves [ll]. Look how contrite his phony baloney ass becomes now that his iconic status and history in the game of baseball is in jeopardy from the sportswriters.
The sportwriters determine who enters the Hall of Fame and who is allowed to continue to trade up on their athletic exploits long after the playing days have ended. The sportswriters are the everlasting hype machine. They make the final decision on how and when the music will fade away.
I say fuck the sportswriters too. Those fucks act like athlete’s infidelity to their spouses isn’t news and doesn’t somehow correlate to the athlete as a person or a player. In 2003 sleeping with someone who wasn’t your wife WAS cheating, but using steroids was not (technically). A-Rod is a cheater Yankees fans, and you know what else? A-Rod is a loser. Ghey Rod couldn’t hold Manny Ramirez’ piss cup.
A Tale Of Two Cities…
Friday, February 6th, 2009
I have tried to withstand all the LeBRON JAMES hype that has been generated during this NBA season. The Association is too deft at finding ways to attract me whether it is visceral or emotional. They have a talented athlete celebrity who appears to be the complete package [ll]. All I can say about LeBRON’s performance against the Knicks is that it surpassed ShowBee BRYANT’s 61 points because LeBRON achieved a triple double. Not even a JASON KIDD triple double, but a WILT CHAMBERLAIN triple double.
LeBRON and KOBE are clearly two diametrically opposed forces on a collision course in June called the NBA Finals. If anything else were to happen I would immediately tune out from basketball and devote my full attentions to the Mets championship run with MANUEL RAMIREZ batting cleanup. If the Association knows whats good for them they will bring TIM DONAGHY back just to insure that we are treated to this special finals match up.
I believe that KOBE will eat LeBRON’s food in the Finals. First off, LeBRON has the funnier commercials, but KOBE has the better ad spots. LeBRON doesn’t have fast food ads that were as dope as pre-rape KOBE’s were. LeBRON is telegenic and the whole nine, but KOBE is an ice cold assassin who just doesn’t give a fuck. And more than anything else he wants a title to put his middle finger up to SHAQ.
LeBRON may be the lion king of the the NBA jungle but KOBE is the tiger. The lion knows that it has no predators whereas the tiger sees everything as its enemy. The tiger knows that its time here is short so it kills at will everything on sight. KOBE is from Philadelphia and he knows a thing or two about having the eye of the tiger just like Rocky Balboa did. LeBRON just doesn’t seem to have to battle against that same self doubt that challenges KOBE.
LeBRON knows that we know he is great, and he is happy with that.
KOBE is never happy.