Archive for the ‘C.R.E.A.M.’ Category

CLIVE DAVIS, The Music Biz #1 Wig Supplier…

Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

clive

A shout goes out to the website ‘A Salute To Weed Carriers‘. Without Weed Carriers some of the world’s greatest entertainers would be performing inside a correctional facility as someone’s bitch.

Wig Brushers are equally important because they make entertainers look good. Not just by styling their hairpieces, but by adding that sheen and lustre that the Wig Owners need to feel good about themselves. Some of the greatest Wig Owners in the game don’t even wear any of their own wigs. They’re smart enough to give these wigs to younger, more energetic and more attractive entertainers who might be able to create future Wig Owners in their own right.

Look at Wig Owner QUINCY JONES. He never wears a Wig himself even though his pate can get a bit shiny at some of these open bar soirees. Instead he gives Wigs to guys like JEFFREY OSBORNE and HERB ALPERT. The same goes for HUSTLE SIMMONS. He is quick to give a few Wigs to the Irving Gottis of the rap game even though Irv wasted his Wigs by sharing them with a known drug dealer. Nobody has given out more Wigs than CLIVE DAVIS. There would be no music industry in Atlanta if not for CLIVE DAVIS’ Wig salon and beauty shoppe called Arista Records.

wigney WIGNEY HOUSTON
I can’t even begin to name all the jig Wig Owners that come from that Arista salon but I remember that WIGNEY HOUSTON, was CLIVE’s platinum baby doll until she started getting high on her own supply.

owner/brusher

BABYFACE, who incidentally has a disturbingly young looking face, and L.A. REID were once Wig Owning partners who developed younger Wig Owners to follow in their footsteps. OUTKAST and JERMAINE DUPRI learned about Wig Owning from LaFace. Just like T.L.C. took the steps by ‘brushing to own’ that they were taught by PEBBLES. There were some Wig Brushers brought under the umbrella just to diddle CLIVE’s berries (yes MARK FOLEY). Too bad we all learned too late that KRISS KROSS wore their pants backwards to give CLIVE easy access to their little poop chutes. That’ll make you jump around for sure.

kross

sleezy VELVET REVOLVER
What kinds of guns and roses would the Velvet Mafia use? Velvet Revolvers you dumbazz. At least that’s what I heard (no LUTHER VANDROSS Care Free Curls Wig).

More than 50 years in the Wig Supply business means that CLIVE DAVIS has enough clout to make a Wig Owner out of career Wig Brushers. Who’s wearing the Wigs now you WAYANS bitches?!?

foxx

Sometimes you don’t just give away Wigs, but you even lend a beard.

keys

I give CLIVE maxmium hardbody points for being able to withstand STAR JONES body odor long enough to kiss her – bleah!

steezy

Most of all, being the music business number one Wig supplier means that you have pockets deep enough to foot the tab for an open bar event with this broad. Trust me though, she’s not pouring Mr.DAVIS’ champagne on her feet.

keybora

GOOGLE Buys DALLASPENN.COM Feces for $300 Million

Sunday, October 22nd, 2006

talking shit

Now that I’ve quit blogging I decided to sell the website to internets behemoth Google. It was the only logical choice since none of you effs give a damn anyhoo. With the money I can reimburse my investors like ZILLZ, LM, RAFI and AMADEO. And then with the leftover change I am copping a pint of Ben & Jerry’s low-fat Cherry Garcia for CHOCOLATE SNOWFLAKE. At least she watches ‘Squidbillies’ with me, and we are also getting into this new NBC show called ‘Heroes’.

Back in June we discussed why Google was the premium model for neo-meta-traditional American consumerism. Combining their deep pockets and the vast informational resources of the DALLASPENN dot com archive I expect nothing less from Google than world domination. Just to expedite the Illuminati along we decided to download the entire site onto a microchip and embed it within the poop.

“Soylent Green is people.”

dp=dirty poo
dp=dirty poo

AND ALL I GOT FOR HIP-HOP WEEK WAS A LOUSY T-SHIRT…

Friday, October 20th, 2006

oh word

image courtesy of OH WORD!

The young P.R. flack at VH-1 that e-mails me all their business is a sweet little piece of white meat, but like most broads in the entertainment industry she is prah’lee only a star-fucker. Props go to the Glamazon for being that bitch on wheels in Hollywood and still such a fucking lady in the bedroom (not that I know personally, but I’ve heard…).

Anyhoo, I get a nice e-mail from homegirl at VH-1 thanking me for being active on the Hip-Hop Honors project. For me it was nothing since this was the one thing that Viacom produces that I believe in wholeheartedly. I wish it were semi-annual or even a series like ‘Driven’, or ‘Behind The Music’. The good news was that the show drew nearly 2 million viewers to a 9pm Tuesday slot. That is fucking incredible and I thank everyone that tuned in regardless of whether you heard it from me or somewhere else. Your participation will cause this program to be regenerated, plain and simple.

I’m sure a lot of you wonder how it is that people know the exact numbers of cable television program viewers? Understand that your cable box is directly attached to a server which creates a database of the programs that you’ve watched. This is no big deal anymore I suppose since we are already used to having our privacy invaded on so many levels. It’s all good as long as I get my MTV.

Here’s where my jaw hit the floor… Flavor of Love’s finale episode reeled in 7.5 million viewers. That is some Black Bullshit! I sit here in my parent’s basement and I rail on Viacom for creating this Step-n-Fetchit jiggaboo programming and you go and consume it right behind my back. Forget a Hip-Hop Honors program because the viewership for that is peanuts compared to the money that a network can make when they have a darkie put on some white gloves and a top hat.

What the hell am I doing over here?!? You people are obviously happy with your entertainment options. I thought that we were starting this neo-meta-progressive movement and that we were going to free ASSATA and free MUMIA and free NELSON MANDELA, but I see that you jokers only want to free O.J. and MICHAEL.

Have it your way, I quit…

power to the wee people

FREEDOM FRIDAY…

Friday, October 20th, 2006

freedom

What do I have to do to get you to come to this party?!?

Everybody that has come through has admitted to me that their lives have changed for the better. Now what’s your story?

Three seperate rooms of entertainment. A dancehall, a lounge and a movie theatre all in the same building, all for the same low price as long as you say ‘DALLAS PENN’ to the cashier.

It’s going down every single Friday. Stop playing yourself and come by the spot and say hi to me.

It’s Freedom baby!


TriBeCa Cinemas
54 Varick Street
(one block south of Canal Street)
doors open @ 10pm
for more info/RSVP – 212.767.9174

Say ‘DALLAS PENN’ to the cashier for discounted admission. Ladies $5 and fellas $7.

Sample a couple of tunes from the FREEDOM playlist by clicking the ‘Press Play’ button

JAY-Z Does Not Care About Lowenbrau…

Thursday, October 19th, 2006

hovey baby

I just saw the bastardized version of the ‘Show Me What You Got’ music video that has been recrafted into a Budweiser commercial. All the screenshots are the same except for this gay Anheuser-Busch logo that appears constantly as if the activities were all made better by Budweiser.

Somebody figure this out for me…

Anheuser-Busch owns the Cardinals right? JAY-Z owns part of the Nets. A group of people including Yankees owner GEORGE STEINBRENNER and real estate magnate BRUCE RATNER own the balance of the Nets. JAY-Z is now a paid consultant for Anheuser-Busch which means that he is ultimately taking money from another MLB owner. Good thing that the Yankees aren’t in the playoffs any longer because there looks to be some ‘conflict of interest’ paperwork that should have been completed.