Archive for the ‘Jig Lit Review’ Category

SUPERMAN RETURNS = YES HOMO

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

superman

Are we all in agreement with this? The latest installment of the DC Comics franchise was regrettably a piece of shiite. I am not going to go into all the reasons why this may have been the worst superhero flick ever, but I will just say that there was way too much wasted talent, money and time on this production. Sadly, I am never getting those two and half hours back.

The story presented in this movie was for a Black superhero, like maybe the Falcon or Black Lightning. I mean, what white gets stronger by being in the sun?!? BRYAN SINGER was director, producer and writer for the movie. He fucked up by thinking that he was really the shit. The story which had potential, was ultimately flat and lacked credibility as a Superman storyline. I am going to list a couple of joints that ruined the film for me. Don’t read this post any further if you are still going to waste your hard earned money on this supertrash.

1) Superman gets his strength from the sun and he never has to break out the SPF-100 even though dude is pasty like a muhh.

2) The characters have been modernized in that Lois Lane is a groupie video ho reporter. Superman banged out Lois Lane and she had a seed, but he doesn’t know it because he skated from Earth for five years (told you that it hould have been a Black man).

3) JAMES MARDSEN has to be BRYAN SINGER’s lover because why else would you jump from the X-Men franchise where your character gets to bang out Jean Grey to a storyline where you have to be the beard to Lois Lane and raise a child that isn’t even yours.

4) KEVIN SPACEY couldn’t save this piece of shit film either with a portrayal of Lex Luthor that lacked malevolence and comedy. It was somewhere in between the two and that’s a shame because KEVIN can bring the heat or the laughs when his writing is sharp.

5) Who the fuck is in the Quality and Assurance Deptartment at the film studio? They made sure that the telephones received the brand placement ‘AVAYA’, but Superman’s cape had no ‘S’ on it?!?

6) The worst action scenes of any superhero movie ever. No azz kicking monsters or thirty-story robots. Just a dude with his underpants on the outside of his pantyhose, unable to tell this groupie slut that he loves her.

7) BRANDON ROUTH = extra BOUTROS BOUTROS BOUTROS GREG LOUGANIS

Detective Boogaloo: Hip-Hop Cop

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

boogaloo

One of the members in our internets cipher hipped me to a web comic that he produced called ‘Detective Boogaloo: Hip-Hop Cop‘. It’s like ‘Beat Street’ meets ‘Inspector Gadget’. It’s obvious that he has fun with his his work the same way we do over here. Except he doesn’t have to use pr0n or expletives.

Detective Boogaloo: Hip-Hop Cop is the story of a B-boy who, when break dancing on a piece of radioactive cardboard gained super powers. His younger brother, Tre, also attempted to acquire powers from the radiation that was still available, but he only wants to use his powers for his materialistic desires. Boogaloo must now battle with his brother and his evil rhyming syndicate for control of the city in which they live. The storyline has a cool flow and the there are tons of visual jokes that you have to be G.A.P. to relate to. The G.A.P. refers to grown azz peoples. Do you remember all the visual jokes that were inside a Looney Tunes cartoon? That’s the speed this comic moves at. It’s even written in a serialized format with cliffhangers and drama. The allegory of Cain and Abel will always be a classic.

The artwork is vibrant and reminds me so much of all my attempts at illustrating. Well, not really, you see the creator of this series, JAMAR NICOLAS is a talent. I hope that he and I can work on a child’s storybook sometime in the near future. In the meantime and in between time open this brother’s link and dig the story of ‘Detective Boogaloo‘. He is saving Hip-Hop from Sucka MC’s, one wack rapper at at time.

Art or Commercial Bullshiite? (ReMix)

Friday, June 30th, 2006

fitty

A few months ago we nailed home the concept that this Hip-Hop shit wasn’t thorough enough to be called a culture. After reading the latest Vanity Fair rag I found out that the Hip-Hop that I was brought up on wasn’t even art. Its all commercial bullshiite.

The Vanity Fair article detailed the true story of the Robinson family, the founders of SugarHill Records. The story decribed how the Robinson family was indebted up to their eyeballs to the T.I. mafia. They were desperate to find that ‘next nigger shit’. SYLVIA ROBINSON goes to the legendary Harlem World nightclub to see what kind of disco music the jigs are vibing to. She experiences a Hip-Hop party and right then she knows that she has stumbled onto her pot of gold. She can’t understand what is being said by the emcees and she could care less, all she knows is that this thing is going to be huge. She runs back to New Jersey and literally picks up three jigs off the street and brings them to her home studio. Listening to ‘Rapper’s Delight’ it wasn’t hard to tell that the music was stolen from the CHIC classic ‘Good Times’, but the hammer that was dropped on my head is this… most of the ryhmes used for the song were stolen from the rhymebook of GRANDMASTER CAZ. One of the emcees on the record was a manager for COLD CRUSH BROTHERS and asked CAZ if he could borrow his rhymebook for a meeting he had in New Jersey. CAZ thought that he might be getting put on so he gave up his book to that loser. How apropo is it that the very first incarnation of recorded Hip-Hop has jigs stealing other jigs creative talent? I won’t even complain now when JAY-Z does a cover of B.I.G.’s ‘Juicy’.

Fast forward to the present and Hip-Hop, ne, crap music is a global phenomenon in how it mobilizes and motivates the youth. Crap music determines what is of value to these kids. It constantly tells them what to buy. What has become even more insipid is that crap music tells people what to think and how to react. The pathos of ‘Get Rich or Die Trying’ is that you would do anything for money. That life has a transferrable price in dollars and cents. 50 CENTS.

CURTIS JACKSON is crap music’s greatest prophet for profit because he has maximized his popularity by being this multimedia juggernaut. You can’t turn away from the 50 CENTS character. The television plays his music videos and then incessantly airs commercials that hype the big screen biopic coming to theaters this month. The radio plays the soundtrack to his videogame. I walk into a bookstore in order to escape the madness and right in the center of the store is an entire table table filled with 50 CENTS’ book. Yes, his book! This last irony forces me to sit down in one of the oversized leather chairs and contemplate the future of the children that I see around me. 50 CENTS considered the only two options for his life were guns or microphones. He never mentioned books.

50 CENT says in one of the voiceovers segments for the movie that he got into crap music because unlike drugs he couldn’t be prosecuted for selling a lot of records. That was the motivation for this ‘bullshiite artist’. Crap music will never again be art. It’s all just commercial bullshiite.

A LETTER FROM THE MANAGEMENT

Thursday, June 29th, 2006

gaza knicks

It’s halftime bitches!

Not halftime like in basketball or football, but it’s still a game. This is halftime in the financial and business world. It’s time for us to assess our assets and analyze our analytics.

Let’s see… I have $3.56 in my checking account. That can get me seven (7) 16oz. bottles of Tropical Fantasy Iced Tea. Over 112ozs of high fructose goodness. The same $3.56 can also get me two Ghetto Big Macs and a small french fry. I better fall back on that one since there is a rumor that McDonald’s doesn’t care about Black people. I could always just leave my money in the bank to earn interest even if the Federal Reserve is playing with the rate like a pimp plays with a hooker’s emotions.

The reason to take a break at halftime is to examine the direction that I am moving in. I want to be a writer in the professional sense of the word. I want to be paid for putting my thoughts into words. This is no easy task since there are even more writers than there are adolescent rappers. Most writers would do what they do for the love anyhoo, just like circus clowns and astronauts. There has got to be a way for me to break through. Look for me to take more risks in the content I bring to you during the third quarter. Some things worked last quarter and some of our concepts failed miserably

cletus

The interracial love pictures are on ice for now, but BLU CHEEZ has outdone himself with some of the images that he has stashed in his galleries. BILLY SUNDAY is sharpening his sword on some of the local NYC politicos that are vying to become lords of the ghetto in November. Somebody please tell KEVIN POWELL and DAVID YASSKY to protect their necks. I expect the INTERN to bring some heat during the summer as well. It’s even been rumored that GENEVA JONES will come back to the fold. Did I ever tell you how I love white women. Things are looking up.

The website team at ZILLA SAYS and OH WORD! have both agreed to tentatively working with us on some internets collabos so look out for that. I’m excited to think about how crazy this summer might get if everything falls into place. I will be taking some time off to catch up on some of the sites listed in my blogroll. I want to see who’s doing what and where I can borrow some FRESH material from. I will lace the page with a few of my favorite posts in remix form.

Thanks, as always for making DP dot com one of your favorite sites on the internets for getting plugged in.

pandalove

The Internets Have Spoken!

Monday, June 26th, 2006

free huey

This website is one of the last bastions of true democracy. It is a website for the people by the people who know people that like other people. Without a civilized and sophisticated readership to patrol the pages and postings on this site we might just become another place on the web for Negro nonsense that no one bothers to visit.

While doing a cursory review of the blogroll that runs along the right hand side bar of this site I came to visit the thinking man’s Hip-Hop site, OH WORD!. They broached an interesting question over there when they asked their readers if the porn photographs at DALLASPENN dot com ruin the otherwise enjoyable content that the site posts. All the commenters agreed that the porn pictures at DALLASPENN dot com made the site less then enjoyable when attempting to share the content with friends and/or co-workers.

This information is important to us here at DALLASPENN dot com. We like to think that the experience that you gain from visiting this site will be enlightening and also entertaining. Since there are only 7 people that visit this site we would consider ourselves foolish to lose 3 viewers because our image selection was inappropriate. That’s like 85% or something like that (excuse us, we went to the BONZO G DUBBZ math training academy). Even though we considered the photos of men and women in various states of undress to NOT be pornography since there were no areolas or genitalia indicated we will cease and desist form using those images on any future DALLASPENN dot com posts.

If any readers would like to visit a private phot gallery that hosts those images please send BLU CHEEZ an e-mail and he will issue you his personal password for access to those galleries. In the meantime I guess we will ask BLU CHEEZ to search his photo archive for images that will not be as offensive to the prudent readers that view this site.

Thank you for your consideration.

lady on lady

g.e.i.c.o.

maaco