Archive for the ‘T.O.N.Y.’ Category

HOW YOU DOIN’ FITTY?!?

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

fitty

It was all fun and games on Monday when the word came down that FITTY’s flick was outpaced by ‘Chicken Little’. Nevermind the fact that C.L. was in twice as many theatres.

Truth of the matter is FITTY’s movie will be one of the most requested on NetFlix because there is a shitload of people who would like to see the movie… WITHOUT DYING! They want to sit in their living rooms eating microwave popcorn and they want to be scared shitless by the fictionalized life story of this modern day boogeyman. “Scaring people is my job“, says FITTY. Without any doubt he has made it a career, but where do you go from here Mr.CENT? Now that you have climbed to the top of the Hip-Hop mountain where will you find your next challenge?

Industry insiders tell me that FITTY has such a strong desire to become an actor that he demanded his name should be billed as CURTIS ’50CENT’ JACKSON so that he can make a smooth transition over to Hollywood similiar to WILL SMITH. FITTY remarked that JAMES TODD SMITH would have to be called LL COOL J for the rest of his life because of his role in the movie ‘Wildcats’. Which by the way was filmed twenty years ago (1986).

I predict that FITTY will play another tough guy role in the remake of ‘West Side Story’. I can just see him, LLOYD BANKS and YOUNG BUCK singing and dancing through the streets.

I like to be in America!

give it to me in America!

STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN…

Wednesday, November 9th, 2005

guds

If you see this man at a LIL’ X party please stay away from him.

Art or Commercial Bullshiite?

Sunday, November 6th, 2005

fitty

A few months ago we nailed home the concept that this Hip-Hop shit wasn’t thorough enough to be called a culture. After reading the latest Vanity Fair rag I found out that the Hip-Hop that I was brought up on wasn’t even art. Its all commercial bullshiite.

The Vanity Fair article detailed the true story of the Robinson family, the founders of SugarHill Records. The story decribed how the Robinson family was indebted up to their eyeballs to the T.I. mafia. They were desperate to find that ‘next nigger shit’. SYLVIA ROBINSON goes to the legendary Harlem World nightclub to see what kind of disco music the jigs are vibing to. She experiences a Hip-Hop party and right then she knows that she has stumbled onto her pot of gold. She can’t understand what is being said by the emcees and she could care less, all she knows is that this thing is going to be huge. She runs back to New Jersey and literally picks up three jigs off the street and brings them to her home studio. Listening to ‘Rapper’s Delight’ it wasn’t hard to tell that the music was stolen from the CHIC classic ‘Good Times’, but the hammer that was dropped on my head is this… most of the ryhmes used for the song were stolen from the rhymebook of GRANDMASTER CAZ. One of the emcees on the record was a manager for COLD CRUSH BROTHERS and asked CAZ if he could borrow his rhymebook for a meeting he had in New Jersey. CAZ thought that he might be getting put on so he gave up his book to that loser. How apropo is it that the very first incarnation of recorded Hip-Hop has jigs stealing other jigs creative talent? I won’t even complain now when JAY-Z does a cover of B.I.G.’s ‘Juicy’.

Fast forward to the present and Hip-Hop, ne, crap music is a global phenomenon in how it mobilizes and motivates the youth. Crap music determines what is of value to these kids. It constantly tells them what to buy. What has become even more insipid is that crap music tells people what to think and how to react. The pathos of ‘Get Rich or Die Trying’ is that you would do anything for money. That life has a transferrable price in dollars and cents. 50 CENTS.

CURTIS JACKSON is crap music’s greatest prophet for profit because he has maximized his popularity by being this multimedia juggernaut. You can’t turn away from the 50 CENTS character. The television plays his music videos and then incessantly airs commercials that hype the big screen biopic coming to theaters this month. The radio plays the soundtrack to his videogame. I walk into a bookstore in order to escape the madness and right in the center of the store is an entire table table filled with 50 CENTS’ book. Yes, his book! This last irony forces me to sit down in one of the oversized leather chairs and contemplate the future of the children that I see around me. 50 CENTS considered the only two options for his life were guns or microphones. He never mentioned books.

50 CENT says in one of the voiceovers segments for the movie that he got into crap music because unlike drugs he couldn’t be prosecuted for selling a lot of records. That was the motivation for this ‘bullshiite artist’. Crap music will never again be art. It’s all just commercial bullshiite.

KING TEE : Paris is Burning

Sunday, November 6th, 2005

three kings

The websites’ resident music critic hasn’t been heard from for approximately two weeks. KING TEE, one of the original three wise men was hanging out in a northern Parisian suburb called Cligancourt looking for a pair of exclusive Nike Dunks when we last saw him. KING TEE knows where to find all the hottest ghetto accoutrements in any ‘hood in the world.

paris is burning

If I know the KING then he is prah’lee the one kicking up dust over there and burning cars with the kids. I hope he makes it back stateside because the Gendarme in Paris do carry machine guns.

2005 NYC Mayoral Election:
BLOOMBERG’s Got The Scene on Smash

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

the mayor and a bnunch of coconuts

NYC’s incumbent Mayor Michael Bloomberg was never actually in a campaign race for his re-election. The only possible competiton might have been JESUS CHRIST, but then you know J.C. isn’t going to get the jewish vote anyhoo. This is New York people. What has been incredible for me to see is the broad coalition of support that Mayor Bloomberg has from all precincts of the city.

You just knew that Bloomberg would have the rich Greedy Landgrabbing Developer demographic on lock. Behind that group follows the just as rich, Residential Rental Property Owners. Not too many surprises either when you poll the wealthy Upper Eastside Manhattanites or the nouveau wealthy Battery Park Transplants. Even though their lifestyles don’t appear to espouse wealth, the Gentrifying Hipster contingent and the Brooklyn Bohomo factions are clearly pro-Bloomberg. To add to this already powerful voting bloc you have the longtime NYC residents from the Bensonhurst, Howard Beach and Whitestone communites.

All of that was pretty much expected since the Mayor has made sure that property values continue to escalate. However, there was one coalition that supported the Mayor that has me slightly amused. WEST INDIANS FOR MAYOR BLOOMBERG. These folks have been known to vote against their own parents, siblings and children. For Mayor Bloomberg to have these people behind him he must really have this election in a wrizzap.