Archive for the ‘Straight Laced’ Category

Still Gay, And Still G.O.O.D. Music…

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

legend

I’m gonna be the first guy on the internets to admit that I enjoyed the JOHN LEGEND debut album. No Boutros Boutros Boutros to that admission. While I’m coming clean I should also admit that I have a greatest hits collection from Krispy Kreme queen LUTHER VANDROSS. These albums are essential grown and sexy accessories and they can help to loosen the clothing up of even the toughest Black bitch you have evar tried to scrape. Of course, I say bitch in only the most loving and endearing of ways.

When my folks fom the Negro network called me up to piece me my quarterly allotment of record label swag they included two(2) R & B CD’s that they said I had to hear. I knew JOHN LEGEND had a new disk on the streets, but I hadn’t heard too much from it. I don’t listen to commercial radio too tough either and they only seem to play R & B from the person whose name I will not mention until he publicly apologizes to JANET JACKSON for calling her a nigger.

The other R & B CD in my package was from ROBIN THICKE a/k/a Vanilla MAXWELL. I’ve heard some of his stuff over the internets and at first I thought it was a MAXWELL comeback until I saw the video with LIL’ WEASLE in it.

weazle

ROBIN THICKE’s album is formulaic R & B which doesn’t make it trash, it just makes it predictable. Looking for love, falling in love and falling out of love. Rinse, wash, repeat. I will give dude a pass since it’s the first CD of his that I’m hearing and because blue-eyed soul isn’t in any danger of becoming trendy since white dudes are finding guitars again like Sam Ash were having a fire sale. THICKE whines all over the disk and its hard to not think about how much better this CD would sound if it were MAXWELL instead. The only knock against THICKE would be that his style needs some more evolving. If I didn’t get this CD for free from B.E.T. I would prah’lee still download it. I give this CD 1.5 LUTHERS

luther

ROBIN THICKE – ‘Lost Without You’

I like teasing JOHN LEGEND because he is obviously KANGAY’s kept man. Again, that means nothing when talking about his musical acumen for which dude is certainly talented. I don’t get the same fake piano playing that ALICIA KEYS exudes. LEGEND appears to actually compose his songs which is the rarest of all talents in a pop music driven market.

‘Once Again’ finds JOHN LEGEND doing what he is best at by creating funky, melodic, new millenium, new jack swing, new soul tracks. He drifts out of love and into wanderlust so often it’s impossible to figure out where his head is at (extra NO CLAY AIKEN) during any given moment. I think that’s why I enjoyed the album too. There’s nothing too heavy going on in here, even the track sung about a soldier waiting to get home to his lady(ha!) doesn’t feel weighted down. Basically, this is the kind of shit that I will put into the CD player when I take my ladybug to the Applebee’s drive-thru, or wherever it is you people go when you want to have a ‘classy’ night out.

LEGEND’s has a smoother than silk persona that evokes another R & B legend with ‘good hair’, Mr. LIONEL RICHIE. I’m not saying that JOHN LEGEND is on par with the capo of the Care Free Curl Mafia, but he is on his way to having a career that will get him extended runs in Vegas. LUTHER VANDROSS’ shiny sequined jacket may have found it’s new owner. ‘Once Again’ gets 2.5 LUTHERS and should be downloaded from lemonwire or whatever it is the kids are using.

luther

JOHN LEGEND – ‘Heaven’

JOHN LEGEND – ‘Stereo’

PUDDING POP SUPERFREAK

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

coz

I don’t want to risk the reputation of this website by becoming a haven for supremacist conspiracies. Although they are real and put into play every single day I don’t want to lose focus with the meta-reality that we can all touch. Still and all, something inside me tells me that BILL COSBY angered some really powerful T.I.’s when he attempted to purchase a broadcasting network. What in the world was Cliff Huxtable thinking? Doesn’t he know who runs this rap shiite?!?

There’s been a flurry of women coming up out of the woodwork accusing Dr. Huxtable of being a mezzler. Some of these women were as young as 18 when they say that BILL made them his version of the MICHAEL JACKSON ‘Jesus Juice’ cocktail which shall be heretofore known as the ‘Pudding Pop’. These women are claiming that the concoction was extremely potent and that they have even blacked out from it’s effects. Now I don’t doubt that COSBY has a taste for the tender young flesh since he has kids outside of his house, but I don’t want to say that he has to drug these broads to get at the poonahnee.

My proof is Flava Flav. Celebrity is enough of a narcotic that women will chase after Flav for a little bit of fame. Do I think that some naive, green, wannabe actresss has enough confidence to handle herself in the powerful world of COSBY’s showbiz connections? Hell naw! These chicks are giving COZ that young bootyhole after a night out with that dude. Yes, that poopchute sweetness.

I don’t want to sound like I am making a blanket endorsement for COSBY’s behavior, but isn’t a little fling with a mature, rich guy better than one of those crazy, emotional affairs with a young guy that ends in a domestic violence charge? Guys like COSBY can afford dinners at restaurants like City Crab, instead of eating takeout from Taste of the Sea in a styrofoam tray. What’s better than feeling like a high priced hooker? It’s got to do wonders for your complexion. My problem with these young whores is that they think the money train runs forever. If you blew all your chips on Manolo Blahniks and didn’t invest in a Hooker IRA Roth why should COZ have to still pick up the tab?

I can’t be mad at the curmudgeonly COZ either since he was a longtime pitchman for one of the greatest products known to man…

Jell-O motherfuckin’ pudding.

pudding

pudding

pudding

SNEAKER FIENDS UNITE!

Saturday, December 9th, 2006

black jesus

We’ll be setting it off for Channukah the right way while simultaneously giving props to the Black Jesus of basketball. DP Dot Com’s pearlized NIKE Dunks in the New York Knicks colorway along with a semi-recent throwback jersey of the yacht-owning coach choker.

You didn’t know SPREE was Hebrew?!?

black jesus

black jesus

‘BLOOD DIAMOND’ WAS BLOODY GOOD…

Tuesday, December 5th, 2006

blood in, blood out

Sometimes I’m a cynic and other times I’m an outright killjoy, but not this time. Hollywood’s latest propaganda vehicle titled ‘Blood Diamond’ is part ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ and part ‘Gone With The Wind’ all set up using the diamond trade provoked civil war inside Sierra Leone as the backdrop. The movie invokes so many of Hollywood’s tried and true clichés that I can’t imagine how this movie won’t garner several Oscar nominations. Peep game…

  • The Bagger Vance theme is when some Black guy helps a white find their humanity by the end of the movie
  • “Africans are killing each other already” theme is a popular premise on several different levels
  • Inversely is the ‘noble savage’ who looks just like the other Blacks, but is somehow… different
  • The Tough As Nails white guy a la Ta’arzan who knows Africa better than the Africans
  • The Liberal Do Gooder Journalist out to save the world and change the cold heart of a bloodthirsty mercenary
  • Gone With The Wind theme which has white falling in love while civil war rages around them
  • The Multi-National Corporate Elitist Rich Fucks who profiteer directly from violent conflict, but seem laffable and charming in their greed and corruption
  • Machine gun fire that never hits the protagonists but strafes everyone else around them
  • The moment when the main characters realize that white people aren’t all bad and Black people aren’t all bad, but still somehow white people are always the ones actively fighting for good
  • Helicopters
  • Explosions caused by helicopters
  • Requisite cRap music soundtrack performed by nasty Nas, mostly nasty, not so much Nas (and to think, they pushed back the release of his album for a track that sounded like it was written by a white emcee not named Marshall Mathers)
  • The U.S. is the moral authority to the world
  • So with all that said I still enjoyed this farcical fantasy of a thriller. LEONARDO DiCAPRIO plays the grizzled South African army veteran turned mercenary and that African guy that Hollywood uses for every single African guy role was brought in to play… The African guy. I enjoyed every scene where the rebel army kidnapped the Africans and chopped off their arms as well as when the government soldiers came to a village and killed people indiscriminately. I think those scenes really described the pathos of the African. And just like I’ve said many times, “It’s not the white man’s guns that are killing people in Africa, it’s the white man’s guns in African’s hands.”

    My favorite, favorite line in the movie came when the African guy and LEONARDO DiCAPRIO were bonding over a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and the African guy reminisced on something his grandfather had told him…

    “Things were so much better when the white man was in control.”

    Brother, you just said a mouthful. Hang that man by a rope and stick a fork in him, he’s done. I give ‘Blood Diamond’ three KKKramers. Bring the whole family and get a discount if you show your ‘Kymberli Process’ certificate.

    BILLY SUNDAY’s Ghettofabulous Holiday Gift Guidebook

    Thursday, November 30th, 2006

    fs

    For the price of two LCD plasma screens you can get your flat screen on fool! Holler at your bizzoy.

    fs