Archive for the ‘H.A.M.’ Category

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DP Dot Com Crime Scene Investigation

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

my name is earl

My name is Earl.

Nothing excites me more than the things that come from inside the human body. In this CSI episode we will try to figure out what caused the expulsion of so much nutritional proteins.

my name is earl

Closer inspection determines that this was probably a meal with chicken or turkey as the base and what appears to be some kind of red vegetable, possibly a habanero pepper or a tomato skin.

my name is earl

This event seems to have been caused by the victim’s choice of reading material.

my name is earl

‘Dirty Money’ by author ASHLEY JaQUAVIS. A jig lit classic along the lines of even the greatest CHESTER HIMES novels.

my name is earl

‘Scarface’ themed sneakers indicate that this victim lived the faux gansgter lifestyle head to toe.

my name is earl

This crime scene lends credence to the discussion that ‘Scarface’ is only favored by those without the good taste to appreciate quality PACINO films like ‘Dog Day Afternoon’.

my name is earl

Posted in Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, H.A.M., Jig Lit Review, Sneaker Fiends United, T.O.N.Y. | 8 Comments »

DP x GABEROCKKA = HALLOWEIRDNESS

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

gaberockka

This drop is brought to you by Colt 45.

GABEROCKKA would argue that he isn’t my weedcarrier, but he and EON of the everlasting zoot do carry that good green white boy weed.

gaberockka

DOUBLE DEUCE?!?!?! I blame Hip-Hop.

Me and GABE were fucking around[ll] in Brooklyn a few weekends ago hitting up all the spots in Crown Heights (now called Prospect Heights) and Fort Greene (now called Clinton Hill). Gentrifying real estate agents rename these neighborhoods so as to confuse people into thinking that they won’t get mugged when they walk down the street on a mental lunch break. Trust me folks, this is STILL Brooklyn. You will still get mugged. Please believe it.

Be that as it may, it doesn’t stop us from having a good time. DP x GABEROCKKA + Colt 45 + collie bud = Where the ladies at? If you’re hitting up these Brooklyn streets this weekend, here’s how I would rate the scene.

gaberockka

First stop: Brooklyn Museum of Art – First Saturdays is always filled with art whore cutie pies wearing high heels and sipping white wine. RICH MEDINA was spinning this night so there was an even better mix of trendies coming through. Never a cover charge and if you do like I do with my flask you will be a winner every time.
Atmosphere: 10/10 (Free museum + foxy ladies)
Music: 7/10 (Rich Medina is really good. The Hillbilly Jazz band? Not so much.)
Ladies: 10/10 (College educated, disease free with decent jobs. Single man jackpot)

gaberockka

Second stop: Ripple Bar on Washington Avenue – What is up with ME not being served for like fifteen minutes?!? Let me find out that SYRON went Hollywood.
Atmosphere: 6/10 (Typical local B.K. spot. Drew from Island Records gets the red carpet. Billy X. Sunday? Not so much.)
Music: 6/10 (Imagine bringing your radio into a bar and playing the Funkmaster Flex show.)
Ladies: 6/10 (Hoodrats and bar skanks that don’t dance.)

gaberockka

Third stop: Soda Bar on Vanderbilt Avenue – This is a funny spot because they occupy two spaces and their crowd remains segregated. The back room spins the hot shit while the front room plays some honky tonk crap for the area’s newest residents.
Atmosphere: 6/10 (Racially segregated Saturday night partying = so 1957.)
Music: 5/10 (Pretty good on the jig side. The other side? Not so much.)
Ladies: 6/10 (Pretty good on the honky tonk side. The jig side? Meh.)

gaberockka

Fourth Stop: Habana Outpost on Fulton Street – Bathroom break.
Atmosphere: 7/10 (I took a dump here.)
Music: 4/10 (Someone’s CD collection centered around 2001)
Ladies: 6/10 (I took a dump here and I didn’t bother to look anyone in the face.)

gaberockka

Fifth stop: Frank’s Cocktail Lounge on Fulton Street – Franks has been here for forever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I been to brown bag parties at this bar the spot is so ‘hood. With Fulton Street going upscale now even Franks has a velvet rope in front of the door, but don’t be dissuaded. Your ass will get in as long as you pay that five dollar cover.
Atmosphere: 1/10 (What a dump!? It’s beautiful.)
Music: 10/10 (You would be surprised at who spins here some nights on the humble.)
Ladies: 10/10 (‘Hood rats that like to dance close on every song.)

gaberockka

For those of you going out tonight have a fun and safe Halloween.

Posted in Billy Sunday @ XXL, Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, H.A.M., iNternets Celebrities, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Sneaker Fiends United, T.O.N.Y. | 8 Comments »

NE-YO’s HALLOWEEN BOO-BOO…

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

boo

True story is that this chick is really a chick.

Albeit, she is chopped so bad you’d think her mommas vagina had Ginsu lips, but she is still a chick.

Is it any wonder Ne-Yo would grab up the most mannish broad in the club?

I mean, if there wasn’t any better looking broads in the spot then make the two-finger peace sign and keep it moving.

katt

Note to KATT WILLIAMS:

I get your irony.

Your like the Carrot Top of Watts.

And had you slipped on wet flooring in the restrooms during the taping of the BET awards and accidentally choked yourself to death I STILL would have found a way to blame your death on the white man.

o

“One day soon you will all learn that OPRAH WINFREY is a hermaphrodite.” -(c)Brother Ern

^ greatest comment. evar.

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Crappers, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, H.A.M., Hollyweird, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Wig Owners | 8 Comments »

Revenge Of The T.I.’s…

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

7-11

This is what I get for talking all that T.I. shit this week. The T.I.’s sho’nuff came for my ass [ll]. They let me know in no uncertain terms who runs this rap shit.

I made a visit to the 7-11 convenience store in my neighborhood and I put a few items on the counter. The clerk looked at the items and then entered $5.00 into the cash register. No fucking way were these three items five fucking bucks. I told the clerk as much and I demanded that he scan the items into the cash register’s database which is what every other clerk at this store always does.

Nope.

Instead the clerk removed my items from the paper bag and said that I didn’t have to buy them if I didn’t want them. The thing is that I did want the items but I wasn’t about to get jacked for over a dollar just to buy them.

Fuck it.

I wanted the items. It was a Red Plum Nantucket Nectar and two Honey Vanilla Dutch Master cigars and I needed them to burn down these good effin’ greens that my homey hooked me up with. I wanted this to be one of those weekends that I just sat up in my apartment and watched baseball and football and cartoons and pr0n and got mother effin’ twist rock while I write my shit. These sons of bitches are fucking with my peace of fucking mind. I’m not paying no $5 fucking dollars for a gotdamn grape drink and a couple of ghetto cigars either.

Just because I’m a fucking drug addict doesn’t make me a fiend. I’ll roll up and smoke my shit out of a mother effin’ t-shirt if I have to. It’s just that I have a righteous belief in not being played out as if I’m some lower class piece of shit just because I’m shopping at the 7-11. The clerks that manage this 7-11 appear to maintain an unhealthy relationship with me. This summer I caught them red-handed for price gouging me on the cost of the SpiderMan collectible cup Slurpees. I filed a complaint with the corporation.

What was that for?

After receiving my complaint and my documentation via receipts with dates the corporation did not respond to me. Instead, when I visited the store afterwards the clerks refused to serve me. The one that I argued with about ripping me off for the Slurpee said something Hindurabic to his co-worker and then the two just ignored me and wouldn’t ring me up. I didn’t steal the Slurpee though because Hindurabic dudes are the bitchmade snitches of the white race.

I’m not sure why Abu works at all the Kwik-E-Marts, just like I don’t know why only Chinese people work at the dry cleaners, and that’s a discussion for another day. I’m pissed off that the T.I.’s that run the 7-11 corporation have empowered these immigrants to wage a class war against poor people. I don’t know where I’m going to get my Dutchs from when I’m in Freeport, but I promise you that I won’t be getting them from the classless classists in 7-11.

t.i. The T.I. says…
Dallas, I told you not to fuck with our money machines. Now I will ban you from every store we own, in every country. Don’t even think about going to a 7-11 in Australia, or Singapore, or Norway, or Canada, or on the moon.

You are dead to us.

Posted in Black Bullshit, C.R.E.A.M., H.A.M., iNternets Celebrities | 17 Comments »

GOT MILK? HALLE DOES…

Thursday, October 25th, 2007

halle

H8TORADE hooks us up with some recent joints of the preggly HALLE BERRY.

Fifty is the new twenty.

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, H.A.M., Lust = Love, The Guest Room, Wig Owners | 9 Comments »

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