Archive for the ‘Fashion Faux Pas’ Category

WE ARE FAMILY…

Sunday, September 10th, 2006

sisters

I got an interesting e-mail the other day from a reader who asked if I hated women. That seemed a bit odd to me since I don’t think I’m any less progressive when it comes to treating the women in my life with love, consideration, and respect. I chalked that readers question up to being someone unfamiliar with this space and some of the ideas that pass through here for discussion sake. What I did realize is that there are a significant number of females that inspire the writing on these pages. You all should know Glamazon and That Girl Tam by now since they have been down for a minute. Glam actually freaks a quiet little place called 2 8 3 0. Thats the place where she gets to be herself, far away from the bright lights of Hollywood.

There are a couple of new heads in the game and I would like to talk about them for a second and direct you to their pages. Hopefully you will take some time to extend them some of the love that you have given me. Your comments mean so much to a new weblog writer. Ultimately, that’s the currency that we all write for.

CRUNK and Disorderly alum ALEX2.0 has jumped out the veritable window with her site, Stuck in a Quarter Life Crisis. Already in only her first month she has inspired the upcoming DP dot com feature series titled, WIG OWNERS > WIG BRUSHERS. Fellas should take note that ALEX2.0 is a rabid football fan and she might ignore you if you try to talk to her during a Dolphins game.

GEE, The Insurgent Scrapbooker is a stay-at-home, entreprenuerial mom that still acts like she’s 16. I find myself cracking up as she translates U.S. slang into Swedish and back. DP dot com rolls with a valid passport and so should you.

One of the surefire ways to hook me into your site will be a kooky name. UNRULY BROWN did the trick and I was pleasantly surprised to see that the writing was serious and yet whimsical. She is a mixture of tomboy and trickster as she recants her youth through story after hilarious story.

Last, and certainly not least is NINA 9-Milimeter. Her space in the blog universe is titled The Freakquency and she had me from the word go. NINA is fuckin’ crazy on the real. She lets us into her mind as we see her spar with her ego and her id. Not too many people would be honest enough to show you that dialogue, but NINA is fearless like that. I am sure that’s why I dig her blog and also because she is a renaissance bitch.

CHOCOLATE CREAM: A BILLY SUNDAY Love Story

Friday, September 8th, 2006

aubade

On some days every thing is just clicking right. You wake up with the sun shining on your face, but not in your eyes. You stay in the shower for an extra ten minutes, because the hot water is not doing its usual version of the disappearing acts. When you finally step out of your tub, the bathroom is a like a hazy sauna. You don’t bother drying off because the air is so moist. Water droplets would just reattach themselves to your clean skin. Besides, is there anything better than air- drying in your own apartment with Mary J. Blige blaring from the CD player? And it’s Friday. And you have a dinner date later that evening at your apartment.

Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves just yet. That aforementioned date is still roughly twelve hours away. You still have a full day of work in front of you. Meaning, a day in which you look terribly busy typing and filing documents. Rearranging the piled up items on your desk so as to appear to be earnestly organizing your affairs. This technique is done about every thirty minutes or so to allow you to daydream about the upcoming evening. Tonight would be the night for sure. How could it not be? You set the date up at your apartment as a trap. How could anyone hope to escape from your den when you put on your full-court press.

You know, the works, stir-fry shrimp with a chilled bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Ashanti, Maxwell, Alicia Keys and Billie Holiday CD’s playing in a cleverly arranged mix sequence that should take you from the kitchen into the living room and then right into the bedroo… oops, there you go again, daydreaming.

You have to get dressed and get out of the house. It is a good thing you got up twenty minutes earlier this morning but if you keep falling into the twilight zone you will remove that supposed advantage.

aubade

The full-length mirror mounted on your closet door is always so damned honest. Why can’t it be like one of your co-workers, who are always flattering you with compliments about your body? Those ladies only see you after you’ve assembled yourself. What they should see are the death-defying maneuvers of tucking, hitching, stretching and shoving you have to do to look as good as you do. First off, there are your uncooperative breasts that hang down and point outwards as if they are both trying to get away from your body. The solution for this was simple enough; you changed from the satin Calvin Klein 36C bra into your new Aubade french-cut demi bra with the clasp in the front. To the French, a 34C is like an American 32B. The end result is perfect as everything is brought closer together. Your stomach is a little pouched out and that is because you can’t remember to hold it in all of the time. The abdomen exerciser from Target that you paid half-price for makes such a nice looking piece of sculpture art, nestled in the empty corner of the living room. So you make a mental note to buy a base for it the next time that you’re flea market shopping in Park Slope.

aubade

Then we see what upsets your psyche as much as it enriches other people’s fantasies. Your big behind. You can remember the first time that anyone had ever noticed that it was a bit wide, a tad high and remarkably rotund? After your mom explained the positive and negative sides of being a ‘real’ woman your confidence returned to you for a period of time.

aubade

A few lousy relationships coupled with fifteen extra pounds that found their destination to be below the waistline has brought about a return of self-consciousness. After staring at your rear in the mirror for thirty seconds you look up at your face and realize how lucky you are that you don’t have any acne.

aubade

Your braids bounce up and down on your trek up Nostrand Avenue to the Fulton Street subway station. You are reminded that you just had them tightened two nights ago, because the frown that you give to a vocally rude passerby gives you a slight headache. The day has been too good already for you to divert any mind time to some desperate sycophant. Although you do wish that you had the time to give some of these fools a lesson on how to woo a woman with words. You even muse on the silent, staring flirters that have no clue on the subtleties required to attract a woman. You wonder if their plan is to stare so intensively that you will be hypnotized into undressing. Like these boys are equipped with some Jedi mind powers. (Your devilish mind thinks that they would be better off using all that concentration to keep from climaxing after they encountered your warm, wet cameo)

You have put on your armor of attitude just as the Eighth Av. Local rumbles to a halt at the platform. You find a seat in your favorite location, next to the exit door, opposite the conductor’s booth. The conductor is kind of cute, but a bit on the short side. Almost looking nothing like the confident voice that booms over the subway’s public address system, while in complete control of when the doors open and close. Letting people in and then discharging them, and her nails do have the prettiest design on them, palm trees or some tropical scene. That was attractive to you. The rugged requirements of her job on the subway system didn’t prevent her from still being a lady. You were tempted to flirt with her. You know, just for fun. Just to see if she had a nice smile.

No sooner have you sat at your desk then when you begin to start pining for the clock to find it’s way to four forty-five. You just then notice that you have voicemail waiting for you to listen to. The first message is your boss saying that he won’t be in at all today because of an emergency with his babysitter. Something about how she won’t be available to watch your boss’ three-year old son because she is going into labor with her own child. You’d think your boss could offer his sitter maternity leave? Your next message has a soft-spoken voice that just says you should prepare for an exciting evening. Now this is how it is done. Those boys should have listened to this brief message if they really wanted to learn how to make a woman moist. Your body caught a brief shiver in anticipation of what you hoped was going to happen later on that night.

Right about four o’clock a messenger delivered to you a long cardboard box. Inside the box was a dozen of the loveliest long stem roses. Each had a bud that was the size of your fist. The card attached was definitely a keeper. Never mind the card’s overt sexual references, that’s what you wanted anyhow. You were sold by the way that you had been romanced unlike never before. Every thought focused on what was certain to be an intense evening of lovemaking. One of those nights that you were getting fucked, then making love and then fucking, and you would end up awake all night. You knew there was a chance that you would have to pull out all of the tricks. ALL of them.

You were in a relative stupor for the rest of the afternoon until you arrived home and listened to your answering machine. The caller was on a cellular phone but the message was still clear. Your blood pressure turned up a notch, and then you scrambled to get your apartment in shape. Your date would be there at six o’clock which was alright with you even though that was in about fifteen more minutes.

The lobby bell rung, so loudly that you almost went into cardiac arrest. You buzzed in your visitor even as you continued to pick up any stray articles of clothing. The doorbell sounded in its unique plunky tone. After a quick pull and a short tug you were ready to open the door. When you opened the door your face lit up like a halogen stadium lamp.

aubade

Standing there in front of you, with almost nothing on under an executive rain coat was this tall, dark, beautiful woman with curls that were as soft as they were long. The Aubade egg shell white lingerie set she was wearing was so delicious against her skin that it seemed to highlight her body. Her darkness swallowed up her fresh shaven pubics so that they seemed to just fade into her pelvis. Her bulbous breasts were poised to spill out of the lace demi-bra bustier. You were still and silent as you devoured this woman with your eyes, just like you were one of those young boys standing out on the corner of Gates Avenue.

aubade

After forever, you both embraced.

On some days, when every thing is just clicking right, a kiss can taste ten times sweeter than a chocolate cream soda.

Those are the perfect nights for you to watch the sunrise.

aubade

GHETTO CELEB MATHEMATICS

Friday, September 8th, 2006

redmath

Now that Asian youth are wiping up the floor with white kids in the SAT’s and standardized tests guess who is ringing the alarm?!? It wasn’t a problem when Black kids weren’t learning because that fits the supremacy program anyhoo, but now that TAD, CONNOR and HALEY aren’t ranking with RAJESH or SOO LI there seems to be an issue.

There are so many reasons that Black kids can’t learn that I won’t even try to open that box up, but I have known for years that it was time to switch our pitch up in how we attempted to educate the children. Learning has to be rewards based and practical. It reaffirms the reasons why we attend class when we can see a direct correlation to what we learn and how we live. I would love for there to be an increase in vocational studies put back into schools as well as out-of-class field projects that expose children to the world at large. I suppose all of that rhetoric sounds good to the ‘hood, but how do we implement it into the system?

BLU CHEEZ
had an idea to use celebrities to help teach kids math skills since they are too busy spending their millions on items that have no social value. This way there is a relevance to the lesson and current and former pop culture icons can say that they ‘gave back’ to the community. BLU CHEEZ will use these celebrities in different formulas to indicate the various products and remainders that are created from their variable talents. Let’s see some of his examples…

weezle
Spike from Gremlins swagger plus the H.A.M. hand jewelry of SAMMY DAVIS Jr. = LIL’ WEEZLE

beyonceDIANA ROSS’ wig collection plus a huge horse booty = BeYONCE

This is pretty simple stuff. How about trying out some of these harder problems…

beyonceRuPAUL’s singing voice divided by TEDDY PENDERGRASS after hours = NEYO

starThe media exposure of OPRAH WINFREY multiplied by the class of VIVICA FOX = STAR JONES REYNOLDS

didsterKIM PORTER’s reproductive system and PUFF’s ability to make anything famous = The new old Jackson 5 (just watch out for the MICHAEL).

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: JAY Is For JOLSON

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

jolson

The problem is that some of y’all don’t recognize and appreciate progress. There was a time in Hollywood when acting like a coon was still a ‘whites only’ job.

The credit for these S.A.B.’s goes out to all the readers at CRUNK & Disorderly. FRESH drops the flicks and they think up the jokes. Of course, Mrs.JAY helps out by staying on his her H.A.M. grizzly.

mrs jolson

mrs jolson

mrs jolson

DAMN, WE’RE GOOD!

Monday, September 4th, 2006

metsan

Best record in the bigs boyee!

Just wanted to tell you humps that WILLIE RANDOLPH is going to be the National League Manager of the Year.

Carry on.

metsan