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SERENITY NOW…

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

firefly

I don’t watch too much broadcast television these days. I mean, who has the time? When I’m lucky I catch something slick on a long weekend. Usually a marathon of Honeymooners epsiodes or something along those lines. Right now I am fucking with ‘The Office’ and the hardbody action series, ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’. The other sci-fi shit that C.S. just turned me onto is called ‘Firefly‘.

The Sci-Fi Channel ran a marathon this weekend and I almost watched every single episode in one sitting. It was good like that. I beg anyone that is a Star Wars fan to check for this series. It should be called ‘Han Solo: The Early Years’. The main character is a swashbuckling spaceship captain who owns a hunk of junk starfreighter. His first mate is a Black woman of course, just like Chewbacca, but instead of a howling apelike bear she is a hairy fox. In the literal figurative sense. These two run a ragtag crew of ne’er do wells and freaks as they jump across the galaxy taking on odd jobs.

The spacecraft and storyline are totally a ripoff from the Millenium Falcon and how Han and Chewbacca would contract their jobs. They have to stay under the radar of the Galactic Alliance who are just like the Empire except their costumes are worse. Give props to GEORGE LUCAS for making sure that the Imperial officers were always well pressed and well coiffed. The Galactic Alliance wears puffy berets that don’t really convey badass to me. Maybe at the end of the day the reason for the series being cancelled was that it was such a blatant swagger jack from Star Wars.

In any case, this shit is some good ass t.v. The head writer is the dude that who made ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ such a megahit, JOSS WHEDON. In his bid to control his show totally he angered the bosses at Fox Broadcasting and the show was cancelled after only one season. As a matter of fact, Fox only broadcast eleven of the fourteen episodes. However ‘Firefly’ lived on in pop culture due to the 2005 movie ‘Serenity’ which brought back the same cast for a feature length film. The main character in ‘Serenity’ is a young girl who was smuggled aboard the starship. It turns out that she had her mind tweaked and she became a ruthless assassin.

Listen, have I ever steered you in the wrong direction? Okay, maybe once or twice, but not this time. NetFlix the first season of ‘Firefly’ and then request the movie ‘Serenity’ as a follow-up. Trust me. It’s good like that.

Posted in Fanboy Ish, Hollyweird, Straight Laced, Weird Science | 8 Comments »

Super Ninja Nunchaku Kung Fu Theatre

Saturday, February 16th, 2008

street fighter

Yep, we’re at it again. It’s another classic SONNY CHIBA adventure from the ‘Street Fighter’ series. This flick is the final installment in the SF canon and it stars SONNY CHIBA, as well as SUE SHIOMI, who played the lead role in ‘Sister Street Fighter’ along with emerging martial arts talent BRUCE LI.

The story finds the street fighter once again at odds with the Chinese underworld and law enforcement over the attempted espionage of a secret chemistry for manufacturing illicit heroin. the underworld wants the formula so that they can get paid. The government want the formula so that they can get paid too. All roads go through the unstoppable mercenary known as the street fighter.

SONNY CHIBA reprises his legendary role as the greatest warrior evar. When the Chinese underworld contracts him to retrieve one of their members who is being kidnapped for industrial espionage. The Chinese underworld fucks up by trying to double-cross CHIBA during the transaction. One would have thought by this time that the mobsters in Asia knew that the street fighter is the last person to fuck with. Anyhoo, now that the deal has gone bad the street fighter is determined to take down the mafia at all costs.

SUE SHIOMI plays a double agent working for the government and the mafia. She is the mafia’s hitman specialist while also reporting back to the government on the mafia’s secret moves. BRUCE LI plays the role of a young, ambitious and ultimately corrupt district attorney who wants control of the secret heroin formula so that he can make millions from its production. While all of this sounds confusing it all makes sense when you watch the kickass kung fu martial arts action.

In the ‘Street Fighter’ universe it never matters who the bad guys are as long as the action is bad ass. If blacksploitation films had mated with samurai movies their offspring would have been the ‘Street Fighter’ series.

So you want a copy of ‘Street Fighter’s Last Revenge’ mailed directly to your door? All you have to do is join the DP Dot Com Snail Mail list. Send an e-mail to the_dallas@dallaspenn.com and you will get hooked up absolutely free. If you are already on the list and you want a copy just leave a comment on this thread.

street fighter

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Posted in Hollyweird, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, The Addict, When I Reminisce... | 7 Comments »

JANET vs. BeYONCE: WIG OUT!

Thursday, February 14th, 2008

wigs

These two entertainers are what settles for the triple threat of singing and dancing actresses in the year 2008. The truth is that both BeYONCE and JANET couldn’t act their ample asses out of a paper bag, but their wigs deserve academy awards.

If you have ever watched a BeYONCE video then you already know that her wigs display more on screen charisma than her face can convey. Similarly, JANET JACKSON lets her wigs not only act for her, but occasionally they even dance. JANET is still doing the same shoulder shrug move from her PAULA ABDUL days, at least her wigs have learned some new dance steps. Let’s take a look at some of the wigs of these two great Wig Owners.

BeYONCE has more wigs than anyone else has had in their mid-thirties save for the Boss, DIANA ROSS. BeYONCE’s wigs go from straight and sassy, to out of control hussy curls. The added feature of BeYONCE’s wigs are all the diverse blahnge tints that she uses depending on her moods.

wigs

JANET JACKSON is a master Wig mistress who displays different colors and lengths at will. The last time I believe I saw JANET’s scalp was in the 1970’s on ‘Good Times’.

wigs

Here’s a look at JANET’s most recent music video for her single ‘Feedback’. Yes, that is milk that she is dancing in. I give JANET points for that since the only feedback that milk gives me is from my backside.

JANET JACKSON – ‘Feedback’

BeYONCE covers TINA TURNER’s ‘Proud Mary’ much to the dismay of Mrs. TURNER. However, BeYONCE’s wig does do TINA proud.

BeYONCE – ‘Proud Mary’

Posted in BeYONCE Factor, BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Hollyweird, Lust = Love, Wig Owners | 8 Comments »

DP Dot Com Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Samurai Theater

Friday, February 8th, 2008

chiba

For our next installment of vintage kick ass martial arts exploitation I will offer you a copy of ‘Samurai Reincarnation’. This film stars SONNY CHIBA in one of the many roles he plays as a masterless samurai, or for those of you that effs with the term, a ronin.

CHIBA has to track down another samurai who is on a rampage and literally hellbent to take down the Tokugawa government. Dude is back from the dead and he brings some ninja hellions with him. The martial arts and kung fu featured in this movie aren’t best but SONNY CHIBA is in rare form as the indestructible killer of bad guys.

‘Samurai Reincarnation’ is campy as hell. Since I have the copy without subtitles I believe I don’t have all the action that was in the O.G. 1981 flick but its still a good time on a lazy weekend afternoon. Watching this film reminded me of the story of ‘Ninja Scroll‘ and this flick could be seen as a prequel to that animated classic. Maybe we’ll look at that movie next time.

For all of you on the snail mail list interested in viewing this SONNY CHIBA jumpoff you already know the drill…

Posted in Fanboy Ish, Hollyweird, The Addict, When I Reminisce... | 11 Comments »

SUPREMACY WILL SPLIT YOUR WIG…

Sunday, January 27th, 2008

All Wig Owners are not created equal.

When I talked about Wig Owners > Wig Brushers I admit that I generally assumed that all Wig Owners were given the same considerations irrespective of their racial background. I’m embarrassed that I could be so naive. Here in America we have an entire socio-economic culture that is based entirely upon the construct of racism. Just when I think that someone transcends this construct I am shown evidence to the contrary.

Take a look at some of these Wig Owners and the treatment they receive from the mainstream media based on their race. Do you think that racism would be as viable if it weren’t directly connected to capitalism via supremacy? What I’m asking you is whether or not we allow Wig Owners a certain allowance because we can make money from them.

TIME OUT > JAIL TIME

BRITNEY SPEARS
Instead of being in a rehabilitation clinic she is performing on the front and center stage of the MTV awards. The t.I.’s at MTV would prefer a drugged out BRITNEY SPEARS instead of the fruit loopy KANYE WEST. Was it because they knew that we would talk about the pop princess trainwreck for weeks to come?

FOXY BROWN
Not just is she doing jail time, but she is also spending time in solitary confinement a/k/a ‘The Box’. Can you imagine how far under the jail we might put Foxy if she were sniffing cocaine off her baby’s stomach like BRITNEY?

SOME NIGGA O.D.’s > AN ICON’s TRAGIC DEMISE

HEATH LEDGER
What HEATH LEDGER’s death means in the short term for me is that the premiere for ‘The Dark Knight’ will be even more crowded than usual. LEDGER’s family lucked out that HEATH was effing with the OLSENs and not the LOHAN clan. We may never have recovered the body had LINDSAY’s dad got a hold of him.

PIMP C
Since when does an autopsy on a 36yr old take more than two months? Maybe if Pimp C’s fans bought more of his albums instead of downloading them the BUTLER family could afford to have the coroner’s report released?

ACTUALLY RUNNING OVER BITCHES > RAPPING ABOUT IT

LIZZIE GRUBMAN
GRUBMAN allegedly yelled “Fuck you white trash!” from the window of her Mercedes-Benz SUV before she mowed down over a dozen patrons at a nightclub in the Hamptons. Bones were broken, and since no one died, and GRUBMAN is a rich, connected bitch her vehicular assault conviction and subsequent eight years jail sentence was reduced to a misdemeanor and a thirty day plea deal.

REMY MARTIN
REMY MA raps about shooting people and strongarming witnesses to crimes. I suggest to her to hire GRUBMAN’s public relations firm, but those chicks have prah’lee already shot their load,