Archive for the ‘Weird Science’ Category

SERENITY NOW…

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

firefly

I don’t watch too much broadcast television these days. I mean, who has the time? When I’m lucky I catch something slick on a long weekend. Usually a marathon of Honeymooners epsiodes or something along those lines. Right now I am fucking with ‘The Office’ and the hardbody action series, ‘The Sarah Connor Chronicles’. The other sci-fi shit that C.S. just turned me onto is called ‘Firefly‘.

The Sci-Fi Channel ran a marathon this weekend and I almost watched every single episode in one sitting. It was good like that. I beg anyone that is a Star Wars fan to check for this series. It should be called ‘Han Solo: The Early Years’. The main character is a swashbuckling spaceship captain who owns a hunk of junk starfreighter. His first mate is a Black woman of course, just like Chewbacca, but instead of a howling apelike bear she is a hairy fox. In the literal figurative sense. These two run a ragtag crew of ne’er do wells and freaks as they jump across the galaxy taking on odd jobs.

The spacecraft and storyline are totally a ripoff from the Millenium Falcon and how Han and Chewbacca would contract their jobs. They have to stay under the radar of the Galactic Alliance who are just like the Empire except their costumes are worse. Give props to GEORGE LUCAS for making sure that the Imperial officers were always well pressed and well coiffed. The Galactic Alliance wears puffy berets that don’t really convey badass to me. Maybe at the end of the day the reason for the series being cancelled was that it was such a blatant swagger jack from Star Wars.

In any case, this shit is some good ass t.v. The head writer is the dude that who made ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ such a megahit, JOSS WHEDON. In his bid to control his show totally he angered the bosses at Fox Broadcasting and the show was cancelled after only one season. As a matter of fact, Fox only broadcast eleven of the fourteen episodes. However ‘Firefly’ lived on in pop culture due to the 2005 movie ‘Serenity’ which brought back the same cast for a feature length film. The main character in ‘Serenity’ is a young girl who was smuggled aboard the starship. It turns out that she had her mind tweaked and she became a ruthless assassin.

Listen, have I ever steered you in the wrong direction? Okay, maybe once or twice, but not this time. NetFlix the first season of ‘Firefly’ and then request the movie ‘Serenity’ as a follow-up. Trust me. It’s good like that.

KAIJU BIG BATTEL >>>>> CLOVERFIELD

Friday, February 8th, 2008

kaiju

If you have the opportunity to put a Chocolate Snowflake in your life I suggest that you do so. She is the ultimate internets celebrity nerdcore arm candy and she will make your life that much sweeter because she is chocolate after all.

C.S. knows that whenever we are in the Union Square district that I have to walk through Forbidden Planet. I peruse the latest action figures and thumb through a few graphic novels and then we continue on our business. What is totally church now is that C.S. will now walk through F.P. even when I am not with her and she will see what is new on the scene. She just sent me an SMS that she bought us two(2) tickets to see the KAIJU BIG BATTEL at Webster Hall.

Kaiju Big Battel: New York Blackout

YESSSSS!

*Marv Albert voice*

KAIJU BIG BATTEL is only like the illest sporting event evar in the history of the Earth. Okay, maybe the dinosaurs had a more better sporting event, but that would be pre-historic so therefore it becomes null and void since it isn’t on video. Imagine if you will, Godzilla fighting Mothra in a wrestling ring. Exactly.

I haven’t seen the KBB since August 2006 and they are always inserting new characters into their cosmology. It’s an uproarious event in itself and I hope that the organizers have tightened up some of the details that will take this event to outerspace where it belongs. I wonder who the musical guest would be. I will lose my shit if they have MF Doom as King Geedorah. This looks like the type of event where I will have to pass out some choice DP Dot Com goodies.

Holla at your boy in the Godzilla costume.

kaiju

MLB PREPARES TO START SNITCHING…

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008

andy pettitte


ANDY PETTITTE went before Congress
to tell his story of having HGH pumped into his booty. If sports were ever ghey, and they certainly are ghey, this was the gheyest revelation. Gheyer than that ghey dude that used to play football writing a book with that ghey dude that used to play basketball. Gheyer than even SHERYL SWOOPES, and no one can deny how ghey that is.

I’m just upset that talk radio and sportswriting faggotry hasn’t been sicked on ROGER CLEMENS the way they jumped all over BARRY BONDS. Oddly enough everyone has been mum up to this point. I’m optimistic that when the season begins maybe there will be some outcry, but at the end of the day being mad at CLEMENS and PETTITTE and whoever used steroids doesn’t change how people reacted to BONDS.

It shouldn’t change anything about the game either. Professional sports exists as our modern day circuses to offer us a diversion from the fact we are plunged headfirst into a downward spiraling economy while we are perpetuating military conflicts over the Earth’s natural resources. I just finished watching a Super Bowl that had as many advertisements for drugs as it did for different types of cars and beers. Let’s be honest and say that the rush you get from prescription medication is a whole lot cheaper than buying that Acura RL.

This is the same rush that baseball players get when striking someone out with a 90mph fastball or hitting a 500ft. home run. Blaming baseball players for getting their high seems cheap to me, and mostly cowardly. America is addicted to drugs period. That is the white elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. Instead, we just keep watching the tell lie vision. Woo hoo, the Giants won the Super Bowl! I wonder how many NFL players use designer synthetic steroids?

Awww, who gives a fuck. Somebody pass me a beer.

Meka Soul’s Simple Mathematics…

Friday, February 1st, 2008

o hearts math

Editor’s note: Sneaker Fiends United west coast bureau chief MEKA SOUL drops some science.

Special note: This post is inspired by the inventor of the original Ghetto Celeb Mathematics, Dallas Penn.

Being sick sucks.

In my wonderfully woeful world I spend a lot of time by myself, so when I am under the weather I’m pretty much fending for dolo. While spending a good 14 hours a day in bed and slowly rotting out my brain to random Xbox gaming sometimes helps, for the most part I struggle to retain a singlet of the creativity that powers the spot.

Things could be worse, I guess. I could be any one of these “rappers” facing anything from attempted murder charges, drug possession, or just being flat-out banned in certain cities. Rather than trying to decipher what goes on through these scuttle heads’ brains, I’ve tried to come up with a scientific solution, and thanks to the help of the acclaimed Dr. Penn, I’ve managed to break it down to a rapper’s genetic composition.

As humans we are all mixed in with everything from love to hate to rage to chicken, but it is usually two or three predominant combinations that compel us to do the things we do. After a little bit of researching, I’ve discovered the features that directly influence the trouble-making characteristics in four of your favorite rappers.

So without further adieu, I’d like to present visual evidence of these characteristics…

o hearts math

The drugged-out mischief of Curious George combined with the hyperactivity of Red Fraggle produces the sizzurp-induced semantics of Dwayne Carter. It’s quite easy to see that if Birdman – his Man In The Yellow Hat, if you will – had provided proper parenting outside of internal hugs, there might have been a chance that Mr. Carter would not have grown up to become the drug addled rapper he is today. Let’s continue…

o hearts math

The gun toting, idiotic tendencies of Elmer Fudd divided by the hot headed demeanor of Montana Max equals T.I. (or T.I.P. Or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays). You can’t entirely blame Clifford for wanting to buy super blammers. Just blame his genetics.

o hearts math

The money-hungry tactics of a tall Israeli multiplied with the smoothly addictive style of Joe Camel cigarettes produces Jay-Z. It’s no wonder why we keep buying his albums even though we know they’re crap.

o hearts math

The feline features of The Cowardly Lion over the sum of the natural beauty of the Grand Canyon yields the plastic surgery-mangled Lil Kim. This may be somewhat inaccurate, however, as the Grand Canyon is not entirely smoothed out.