Archive for the ‘Black Bullshit’ Category

And We’re Back!!!

Thursday, August 14th, 2014

IF

My poor lil’ weblog is in dire need of an upgrade which I’ll have to administer in the immediate present, but the NFL Pick ‘Em Pool is back again for the true believers.

Leave your e-mail address in the comments section so I can send you an invite.

CHEA!

Champagne Aspirations, Malt Liquor Reality…

Thursday, June 12th, 2014

champ1

I’m secretly dying a million deaths inside my mind right now. I desperately wanted the Air Jordan retro Championship pack and the release date is this weekend but all my BRed (you see it) is tied up in my wedding planning. Boo hoo. I can’t get down with the hype.

The Champagne and Cigar 6s looks to be one of the most legendary releases for the Jordan Brand in quite some time. Both pairs are premium leather with all kinds of details throughout the shoes. I’m most hyped for the gold aglets (lace tips) and the championship ring as a lacelock.

champ2

champ3

champ4

If there is a sneaker god up in the sky I hope he watches my YouTubes and fux with the kid hardbody

AIR MAXED OUT!

Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

finishline

I’m getting with the winners as in the Finish Line Winner’s Circle Rewards Program.

The Nike Max Flyknit is FIYAHVERKXXX!

A Rider For A Writer…

Friday, June 6th, 2014

sw

I always liked writing and shit, but I never considered this as a profession until SoundWave went to prison. In the over eleven years that he spent on lock down I never went to see my dude. I don’t like prisons, or hospitals for that matter. I always felt a kind of way about going to see people in jail because I didn’t want to end up behind bars with my homey. I imagined that the warden wiuld be like, “Thanks for doing the legwork for me and bringing yourself in.” Is that ridiculous of me and cowardly? Hells yeah.

I kept in touch with SoundWave by writing him often and talking shit with him in the same way we did when he was home. I gave him the updates on the ‘hood and the encouragement that we were still on our journey to being millionaires. The funny shit that happened when SW was in prison is that a million dollars lost it’s value. SW, ThunderCracker, PoloTron and I were the get rich clique. We had dozens of capers between us but we were still looking for that big score. We never got it as a crew, but the fun was in trying.

I remember this botched bank drop job that Polo set up with the old butcher shop where he used to work. This job was going down on Jamaica Avenue in broad daylight two blocks from the police precinct. SW convinced us that it was doable with the thinking that a crime near a police station was safe since all the police were somewhere else. This was SW’s super power. Dude had a steely confidence, he could sell the tone to the phone. SW was just one of those smart-dumb niggas who had book knowledge and street knowledge and could interchange the two fluidly.

sw

And yes, he was a bit of a lunatic, but not in the sense that I was. His lunacy was tempered with logic. When we used to run around acting stupid and kicking up dust SW was the dude that always kept an eye out for the emergency exit just in case we couldn’t get out of something the way we came in. Fam was definitely a rider though. He had no business riding with me to Baltimore in a stolen car just to visit my girlfriend at Morgan State for her school’s homecoming celebration. I think that part of the reason he went with me was because he bailed out when I drove to D.C. a week earlier in the car he and I stole from Greenwich Village. SoundWave wasn’t gonna let me have all the fun two weeks in a row. He also trusted me that I had his back.

The drive to Baltimore was one of my favorite trips evar. We were jetting south on I-95 and passing state troopers all the while. We would speed and slow down, each time talking to each other about the reason for the move. We were fucking idiots. Smart dumb niggas supreme. And yes, we were lucky that we weren’t arrested and made it back to NYC. I think of all the dumb shit that we have gotten away with and I realize why SW thought he could pull off a bank job. You won’t ever encounter someone who calculates the contingencies as thoroughly as SW does. I hate planning. No wonder I sucked as an architect. Planning is what prevents you from failing. Or so I thought…

sw

SW planned this job with some of his homeys from VA. These weren’t dudes he had grown up with but he knew them from the times he would retreat to Virginia Beach to get away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. Theses dudes heard SW’s stories of the fifty ways we used to get money in the city and they wanted to add a chapter to the book. “Do y’all realize how often these banks get heisted?” was the theme of SW’s pitch.

The scene inside the bank was on smash and SW would commandeer the getaway vehicle. The plan worked too and they got away. Unfortunately for them they were pulled over in New Jersey. A monthly quota speeding ticket became one state trooper’s retirement portfolio. SW fucked up by being a stand up guy. While everyone else dropped dimes on each other SW’s silence bought him the stiffest sentence. He sat inside the Federal system for over a decade. While I continued to party and bullshit SW took the weight for my teenage years. ThunderCracker’s mom, who loves me dearly, once told me that I was the reason that everyone were so cautious and scared for all of us, because I was the one leading the boys down the path. I am still the Black Peter Pan.

SW is home now and frankly looks better than he ever did. He has adjusted to his time away and has no bitter resentment towards life or even the bullshit that I still get into. He has a brand new son who looks tremendous and a beautiful wife in Virginia. SW still has that gleam in his eye though. That maybe if I tried hard enough I could convince him to go with me to Mexico next year. Yeah, the homey is still a rider.

sw

GHETTO CELEB MATHEMATICS IS FOR THE CHILDREN…

Wednesday, May 21st, 2014

red math

Editor’s note: Happy New Chea Internets. Have you ever paid your prA’Li tuition even once? Why? You don’t respect the learning we give here at dP.com?

Did any of you folks hear the great news last week? New York City kids have seen increases in the scores from their math proficiency exams. In some cases these increases are in the double digits. Meanwhile, some of the most dramatic gains have been made by “historically underacheiving schools in impoverished neighborhoods“. If the New York Times printed this then it must be the truth. The sad part for me is that nowhere in the NYTimes article was DP Dot Com singled out for introducing their evolutionary ‘Ghetto Celeb Mathematics’ formula to the children of the center city.

What should I expect anyhoo? When we first dropped ‘G.C.M.’ only a handful of readers gave it any props. Well, guess what? “Ghetto Celeb Mathematics’ works. It’s just like phonics, but it’s more fun and you can be functionally illiterate and still learn math. By using celebrities in place of abstract and boring numerals kids are able to make the connection for real life values. Some kids don’t already know that 1 + 1 = 2, but every child understands that PARIS HILTON (x) an eight ball of cocaine = 45 days in jail.

Try some ‘G.C.M.’ problems for yourself and tell me if this isn’t the best thing invented since the air-conditioned car seat.

busta

The personnel relationship skills of IDI AMIN when multiplied by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER’s human growth hormones equals Busta Rhymes

k-fed

The reproductive tendencies of a rabbit plus the common sense of a pugnus dressed in a tuxedo yields KEVIN FEDERLINE

foxy

The violently unpredictable mindset of a Tasmanian devil when subtracting the class and classic beauty of PAM GRIER results in the violently unpredictable mindset of rapper Foxy Brown

t-pain

When you multiply the shrill soundscape of a robot pimp with Chicago Bear TANK JOHNSON’s mugshot hairstyle models portfolio picture your product becomes singer(ahem) T-Pain

lil wang

RuPaul’s addiction to painkilling pills divided by TRINA’s addiction to pulling down her pants and kissing men on the lips named Baby or Daddy leaves you with a remainder named Lil’ Wang