Archive for the ‘BeYONCE’s Hair’ Category

WHEN KINGDOME COMES…

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

jigger

Editor’s note: DP dot com football pooler and drinking buddy 40 DILLA has gifted us with another drop, but this time he gives us his passion for Hip-Hop and cRap music with a review of the ‘Kingdome Come’ CD. This disk is turning out to be one of the most downloaded and discussed albums of all time. I’ve read several thorough reviews of the album and I was pleased when 40 submitted his take for publication. If you are a JAY-Z stan, or even a fan of today’s current pop music you should lend 40 your eyes for a moment so that he can open them up wide.

When Kingome Comes…

It seemed I’d catch heat from people when I told them I wasn’t clickin’ on any of the first three singles that dropped. I was called hater for 30 mins straight while in the barber’s chair. Needless to say this album dropped and only trend humpers would defend this mediocrity…

40 Dilla gives it 3 outta 5. He actually gets a 1/2 point just for being Jay, but for a “comeback album” he should have stayed with pushing off of Bryon Russell and canning the winning shot for his final championship.

I still think his career is gonna finish like Jordan – getting fired from his front office job and having to leave with some sort of shame and disgust. Sadly this could have been fixed with a mere $2 – a pen & a pad.

Actually I had high standards for it. I mean since Jay has entered that “rarified air” of hip-hop royalty I have a different set of criteria for him that I only reserve for the “greats”. My issue with it was that I had expected more for this piece de resistance comeback album. I usually don’t DL albums off of SOHH and I’m a pretty opinionated person as it is so I don’t see myself succumbing to the manic crack-babyness of Spot discussion…

Now for Mr. Jones album I’ve heard two songs – “Hip-Hop Is Dead” which is cool but the rehashing of “Thief’s Theme” is very meh to me. “The N” I’m digging right now, but alas its only two songs. I could be as honest with Nas ‘ next effort. Because as much as I got love for Nas, I don’t have “Nastradamus” and “I Am” got medium spins at that from me. So that just to say even if I consider you one of the bests you still don’t get “Instant Classic” status like they give out on SOHH….

I mean be honest for “Kingdom Come” – I was told that there was like 3-4 Dre tracks and my neck didn’t snap once while listening to it… I’m actually disappointed. Its like having a kid doing bad in school and you know he can do better and your just hoping that he does, or you keep having him try again with the hopes of better results… You wanna call yourself savior, king, president, etc, I’m gonna judge more stringently. Like honors kids can’t get away with pulling special ed quality work ya’ know?

My thing with Jay is that he lies to himself, its almost tragic. I think this guy legitimately respects the lyrical abilities of Common, Ghost, Kweli, Mos, AND Nas. He wants to be lauded by his fellow artists as an artist. You ask anyone about Jay and people cite his savvy before they site his skills. His rags to riches story is truly the American dream, but I think he’s caught in a real conundrum and that bothers him. He’ll never be truly appreciated by the business world (he owns a 5% stake in a group that holds a 15% interest of the Nets, and Ratner is getting tons of mileage out of it) and he’ll always be at the bottom 5 of the average person’s top-10 lists. So what its gonna be Jay? I look at it two ways…

1. You’re rich beyond your wildest dreams. You’re the president of the pre-eminent rap label in history. You spent your last “magnum opus” crowing about how artistically unappreciated you are. So buck up. You’re retired this album isn’t gonna make or break you at this point so go ahead – be an artist. I’m sure his album sales are probably one of his smaller checks. He has access to whomever he wants – USE THEM. While on your yacht in Ibiza, use your Bulgari pen and jot a few rhymes down. We won’t hold it against you. BASICALLY HE CAN AFFORD TO BE ARTSY.

or

2. Become Jay-Z the mogul. Russell Simmons 2.0 and become raps first billionaire. I was actually growing fond of Shawn Carter the Business Man. I was impressed with the opportunities presented to him and the way he was going about that. I was legitimately interested in watching his corporate sucess. I mean this was a guy I stood next to at The Roxy in 1998 and we’re both waiting to order a drink. To see someone go from that to where he is now is impressive. And I continue to be interested where he takes it…

Unfortunately, #1 seems to still matter to him – OR THATS WHAT HE’S TRYING TO SELL TO THE TRUE FANS OF RAP (as opposed to the TRL set). So at this point – pick a side Jay. Just stick with it for a few years. Honestly I don’t think people would be mad with either decision.

Shit, I’m almost 32, with a great job, health benefits, saving to buy a home, and pushing a sizable whip and I’M NOT FEELING IT. I think this album will probably alienate most of his younger fan base and become the soundtrack for people going through their mid-life crisis. You know those people in their late 30’s who are trying to get some of their cool swagger back. Parents will think this album will bridge the generational gap by thinking “its hot” and kids will roll their eyes in the back of the minivan like “Why do they like this old guy”. Someone here made a good point about if this was some rookie’s first album it would be a little more acceptable. But understand this – this is going to be the first rap album that alot of people will have bought in a while or even for the first time. All those NASCAR fans who loved seeing Dale Jr., all his new fans from the Bud commercial, those are the people that will be loving this drivel…

BOBBY BROWN, SOCIAL VISIONARY

Wednesday, November 15th, 2006

bobbybrown

You gotta get up pretty early in the morning if you want to hold the number one slot on a motherfucker’s bookmark toolbar. To tell you the truth, I don’t mind being number two since sloppy seconds are all I ever wanted in the first place.

So everybody is talking about how BOBBY BROWN is about to be a dad all over again with the super whore Superhead as the B.M.(baby mama) in question. Talk about an ‘illseed’?!? What I think most of us are missing though is BOBBY’s stance on geo-politics and this whole environmental conservation movement. BOBBY is essentially saying that we all should fuck the Earth. Fuck the Earth in the ass gotdammit.

There’s this elitist movement to conserve the Earth’s resources for future generations as if that is really a good thing. Meanwhile, we continue to create wealth for only 1% of the population of the planet. Everybody else has to eat shit sandwiches on the regulack, and this is on a good day. So saving the Earth will only benefit this same tiny elite group which is in charge of fucking over the planet in the first place. That’s like a global do-over movement.

BOBBY BROWN says fuck the Earth. Yeah, he acts like he is shooting blanks but when he gets to touch some poon he likes, ‘BONG’, he puts his foot in it. You could call that his ‘carbon footprint‘. BOBBY will have five by four. Imagine if you will that Superhead’s poon slot is like the Earth’s protective atmosphere. How many times has that hole been penetrated?!? And more importantly, the resilience of Superhead to maintain her lifestyle is further proof that the Earth doesn’t need us to conserve anything. The Earth will just make some more. If anything you should see Superhead as the Earth in that even she recognizes it’s time to make white start paying for the pussy.

Don’t listen to AL GORE or any of these conservatives that say that the Earth is in grave danger. I’ve never seen Superhead look as good as she does now.

WIG OWNERS > WIG BRUSHERS: WIGNEY HOUSTON – A WIG OWNING RETROSPECTIVE

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

wigney

With the news this week that WIGNEY HOUSTON’s former Wig Brushing husband has decided to brush the wig of H-list celebrity fellatio provider, KARINNE ‘Superhead’ STEFFANS, we felt that WIGNEY could now turn a corner, brush the dandruff off her shoulders and start anew. It’s fine for Wig Owners to sometimes do their own brushing too. It’s a way to get to know your wig better with the hope that you’ll be less likely to flip your wig in the future. I am happy for WIGNEY and I hope that we get to hear some new classic songs written by others and performed by her.

In the meantime and in between time we thought that a Wig Owning retrospective might be a good way to see how far daddy’s little girl has traveled on her Wig Owning journey…

wigney BEFORE BOBBY BROWN BRUSHED IT
WIGNEY was perky and bubbly, but in her heart of hearts she longed for someone to brush out the kinks of her Yakky Bob.

wigney EARLY BOBBY BROWN BRUSHING STYLE
In the beginning it looked like BOBBY BROWN had the technique to keep WIGNEY’s wig straight and knot-free.

kerry keys BOBBY BROWN BRUSH CURLS
WIGNEY and BOBBY had something in common and we loved them both. Black America’s redbone princess had made a prince out of New Editions’ rejected stylist.


wigney

WIGNEY never looked so good, but underneath her wig was a scalp with a mean itch. BOBBY was still a good brusher, but he wasn’t cleaning up after the wigs as often due to a few stints in the clink. In his absence some of WIGNEY’s wigs fell into disrepair and had to be thrown away. That was a shame since these were really expensive wigs made from the scalps of blonde Chechen women that were executed for their hair.

wigney BOBBY BROWN LAZY BRUSH
BOBBY was definetly not on his thorough brushing grind any longer and it was beginning to show. Whenever people tried to intervene and get WIGNEY a new brusher she just told them that BOBBY would return to form.

wigney BOBBY BROWN NON-BRUSHED
This was a valley for WIGNEY and she started to realize that she needed a new brusher when she was down to her last wig. She had gone through her entire wig collection in ten short years and now she was left with only one nappy Yak that matched up with a faux fur that she stole from her aunt, DIONNE WARWICK.

wigney

Looks who’s back on top of the Wig Owning game with a brand new Sassy Samantha to brush and style. This time around I hope that WIGNEY uses some patience and discretion when choosing her brusher. I wouldn’t even be mad at her if she got down like ALICIA KEYS when choosing her new brusher.

You know CLIVE DAVIS always keeps a beard in his closet.

wigney

Go Shawrlay, It’s Ya’ Berfday!?!

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

kissydubbz

One of my favorite pics, courtesy of VIK at BioChemical Slang. I can hear the little girl inside of CONDOLEEZA squealing with delight.

Go CONDI, it’s ya’ birthday!

DALLAS PENN Hearts SPY Magazine

Monday, November 13th, 2006

spy

This year is the twentieth anniversary of what I will argue is the most influential magazine in the last… Twenty years.

SPY magazine was a monthly tribute to the festering underbelly of politics, economics and society in New York City and in America. They featured fleshed out exposes that illuminated the depravity and ginormous greed in corporate cultures like Wall Street and Madison Avenue. SPY magazine was that CEO’s personal assistant spilling the beans about who was bilking the company out of their retirement fund savings. DONALD TRUMP and his horrible hairpieces were always placed on Front Street.

spy

You can’t imagine the party that was thrown when SPY finally shuttered their doors. It was a great relief to the classless upper-class that they could finally return to their normal obnoxious state of being. They could kick up the legs and dance without SPY magazine nipping at their well-heeled heels. Here’s a rundown of some of the usual suspects that were featured in SPY magazine who might not have remained so prominent in the public eye if the magazine was still on the shelves. PAT ROBERTSON, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, BILL COSBY, NANCY REAGAN, LIZ SMITH, BILL CLINTON, MARTHA STEWART, PAUL McCARTNEY, DONALD TRUMP, OPRAH WINFREY, HILLARY CLINTON, GEORGE BUSH Sr.

spy

My english teacher in Brooklyn Tech H.S. would bring in all sorts of publications for us to read. From the New York Times to Vanity Fair to The Observer. All those rags were lily white and they spoke to me as if I weren’t good enough to touch the paper they were printed on, but SPY magazine made fun of the whole lot. It stripped away pretension and privilege by showing that those who flaunt it the most deserve it the least.

It’s true that I knowingly co-opted the ‘Seperated At Birth’ theme from SPY, but what I failed to remember is that they also used to run a ‘Celebrity Math’ feature. I will tell you in a New York City minute that SPY magazine’s writing is what has birthed my sense of quasi-journalism and as I scan the blogosphere and even broadcast television I can see that the spirit of that magazine lives on. From Gawker to the Daily Show there are an endless amount of outlets carrying SPY’s DNA code of spot on humor and razor sharp snark.

If I could have told the editor’s of the magazine twenty years ago that GEORGE BUSH Sr’s drunken son would be a two term president and that ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER would be governor of California and that DONALD TRUMP would climb out of bankruptcy to become the King of New York City real estate they prah’lee would have told me to go ‘Get A Life’.

spy