Archive for May, 2005


Thursday, May 12th, 2005

Most people think that the end of May is for celebrating something but no one is exactly sure what that something is. Is it the beginning of summer?!? Is it Memorial Day?!? What is it a memorial to?

The end of May shall be from here on in recognized for what it truly represents in the lives of so many of us Americans. Starting on May 25th and running until June 4th(o.k. I know that’s ten days) will be the official Summer Jumpoffs Tryout Week. I will now explain exactly what the Summer Jumpoff is and why they must tryout or audition for this title.

The Summer Jumpoff is a male or female that is seeking companionship both casual and intimately. The Summer Jumpoff is what the polite crowd might call a ‘Spring Fling’, but the added heat and humidity of the summer plus the perspiration level makes the ‘fling’ now a ‘Jumpoff’. Summer Jumpoffs sometimes last deep into the autumnal season which then makes them a ‘Fall Back’, but we will talk about that when September rolls around. The Summer Jumpoff has their hands full enough already with all the events planned in your local area that trying to predict whether or not they will be around for the colder months is a waste of time. Let’s discuss several ofthe methods
that we will use to determine if someone is a suitable Summer Jumpoff…

Male Summer Jumpoff criteria-
Ladies, I can’t tell you how many times some of you have written in to me complaining that you thought he had a job in construction because when you met him he had on construction boots. Now I don’t think that there is anything wrong with a blue collar job or even a no-collar job for that matter, the operative word here is still job. What this really translates to saying is ‘does he spend his time productively’. I don’t know too many fellas that get paid to play PlayStation2 all day and none of them get to do it frrom their own bedrooms so keep that in mind. Another thing to examine your possible Jumpoff for is what he spends his free time doing. Since time is often considered money, this is a slick way of asking someone what they spend their money on. Another important thing to consider is who your possible
Jumpoff consorts with as friends. If his crew is a well dressed, handsomely pretty bunch of Metrosexuals then there are good chances he will be telling every detail of your sexual encounter. So ladies, I can’t stress this enough, wear CLEAN UNDERWEAR!

Jumpoff tips for the married/dating women-
Not that you ladies really need any tips since most of you have already perfected these techniques up this point anyway but in case this is the first Jumpoff tryout period that you are experiencing as a couple I want to remind you that selecting a Jumpoff from a separate race is usually a safe bet. I understand that some of my married white friends might think I am trying to steer them to Black men but that isn’t entirely the case. Latin men(even the really lightskinned ones) constitute a different race and do not forget about Asian men particularly the Chinese and Japanese. I fully understand there are only but so many times that you can eat sushi for dinner this summer.

Female Summer Jumpoff criteria
Gentlmen, this summer we have a daunting task before us. We will have to convince these ladies that spending less can be more. It won’t be easy due to the men that have gone before us and spoiled these ladies with gifts and treasure. My first assignment for anyone interviewing a possible Jumpoff would be to take her on the ‘William H. Sunday’ classic tour. Also known as a ride on the Staten Island Ferry. Not only is the round-trip ride with a panoramic view of southern Manhattan absolutely FREE of charge. The round trip lasts only an hour and if things aren’t working out you can just have her catch one of the several subway lines that pass through the South Ferry area. Another interesting thing to observe will be the possible Jumpoff’s choice of footwear when you meet. She has to be somewhere in between a ballet flat and a stilletto. A one and a half inch kitten-heeled mule would be perfect. And don’t be bashful when you take out your rulers to measure, but don’t let her in on the secret either. I strongly suggest that you try to meet as many of her friends very early on as well, this way in case you have to swap her for one of her co-workers it won’t be as awkward as say, when you do it sometime in August.

Sorry fellas, the last time I offered these up one of you bitch asses got caught and gave your lady a copy of my blast with my home phone number. Needless to say I was dealing with the unimaginable fury of a woman with a wrecked marriage and a lot of free time on her hands. My cell phone is still cut off and the huge dent in the side of my car from the anonymous hit and run sideswipe costs over three grand to repair.

Annually the last Monday in May kicks off the Summer Jumpoff season with a bar-be-cue and get-together. Bring your Summer Jumpoffs around other Summer Jumpoffs to see how they mix and mingle. Keep an eye on your Summer Jumpoffs too because I have many stories about swaps taking place at these memorial gatherings.

For the most part I want you all to have a healthy and safe National Summer Jumpoffs Tryout Week and keeep in mind the universal law of the

“Whatever happened during National Summer Jumpoffs Tryout Week, stays
in National Summer Jumpoff Tryout Week”!


Thursday, May 12th, 2005

DAVE CHAPPELLE is in South Africa taking a ‘white’ break. NOT rehabbing from drugs and NOT in an asylum. When those humorless bastards at Comedy Central stepped to DAVE and told him to change his material he did what we all wish we could do. He sung them a song. “I’m leaving, on a jet plane, and I don’t know if I’ll be back again. So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me, hold me like you’ll never let me go”.

“And buy my Season Two DVD beeyatches!”


Saturday, May 7th, 2005

You are prah’lee thinking to yourself, “What is on this dude’s mind this time?” “Why does he keep attacking these pillars of the African–American community? First he assails the great virgin mother, OPRAH WINFREY, then he puts ESSENCE magazine inside the crosshairs.” You ask yourself out loud, “Who is he going after today?”

Today’s enemies are the cultural hustlers that publish the SOURCE magazine.

This publication was so important when I first remember seeing it in the early 1990’s. There was a realness contained inside of the pages so much so that it inspired me to start writing. I had even developed my own monthly newsletter(never published, but damn good). The SOURCE was no BLACK BEAT(what a name for a mag as a spinoff to TIGER BEAT) or RIGHT ON! Back then the magazine didn’t pander to commercialism the way it does now along with XXL and the plethora of crap rap magazines sitting on newsstands. The SOURCE would document underground artists and little known lyrical masters. It featured geeky beat making producers and even brought attention to the types of equipment that were critical in creating rap music.

The magazine was founded by two Harvard University undergrads that loved and appreciated Hip-Hop music. As an aside both dudes were white, but that doesn’t matter to me when you consider the contributions of so many other melanin challenged real Hip-Hop people like Rick Rubin, the Beastie Boys, Deborah Harry and Will Smith. The fact that these dudes published a magazine that had a cover with Malcolm X on it was proof enough for me that it was something special I was reading. Had I known fifteen years ago that the SOURCE magazine would lose its way and be blinded by the bling and bullshit of corporate America I would never have picked up my first copy.

The SOURCE magazine used to be the voice of reason that prided an artist’s lyrical skills and his beat looping ability over his bank account. More importantly, the SOURCE magazine was a progressive voice in an ocean of conformity. I can’t point to one specific watershed moment when this all changed and the SOURCE transformed into a tool for the corporate masters but I am pretty sure that it was during the time that BadBoy records came into prominence. I acutely remember that at this point I needed a lot more money if I wanted to live a Hip-Hop lifestyle. I had to replace my Polo rugbys with Versace and Moschino print shirts(and heaven forbid, NO polka dots). I had to change my footwear from Air Jordans to alligators. All these things allowed me to fit in with the REDZONE/TUNNEL Hip-Hop crowd that chased the rap artists as if they were the Beatles. It was an irreverent and irresponsible time and rap music reflected that attitude to the fullest as we smoked blunts and sipped expensive alcohol and had sex with no emotion or attachment. Where was the voice of reason to tell us that B.I.G. was only a prophet for profit? Who would ‘keep it real’ with us by uncovering that the song Gin & Juice was actually conceived by executives at Tanqueray? The SOURCE magazine was already bought and sold at that point so our hopes for a saviour in the media were dashed against the wall.

Here in America the prison industrial complex is big business and unlike the waning job market this enterprise is booming like never before. African Americans only comprise roughly 15% of the U.S. population but make up more than 35% of Americas’ incarcerated numbers(with women seeing a tremendous rise in their numbers over the last ten years). It would be foolish of me to blame this phenomenon only on Hip-Hop music and the media that promotes it but I have to say that there are no images that are presented to today’s youth of Black men other than entertainers, athletes and criminals. Many personalities have adopted all three characteristics synonymously.

Take for example one of the current publishers of the SOURCE. RAYMOND
‘BENZINO’ SCOTT, an almost fifty-year old ex-gangbanger has been arrested several times in recent years to drum up sales for the floundering magazine. Benzino will do anything from fighting with police to attacking other rappers through the magazine and on recordings in the hopes of returning the SOURCE magazine to prominence. Benzino has even resorted to taking the lowest road available by slandering his ex-staffers. Accusing former editor KIM OSORIO of having sexual dalliances with many of the magazine’s cover story subjects. I don’t doubt this to be true, but this is the same person who, conflict of interest be damned, forced the SOURCE to give the MADE MEN, his rap groups’ album, a 5 microphone rating.

In an attempt to stem the tide of Black youth going to prison and in the American spirit of kicking a man when he is down I ask all of my friends in the web-cipher to BOYCOTT the SOURCE magazine.


Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

DAVID STERN, the commissioner of the NBA is considering adopting a league policy that mandates all players to have at least two(2) years of college experience prior to entrance into the NBA. I, for one have been critical of this amendment because I feel like it targets only Black males. The players affected by this policy are being denied their birth right of capitalism and and open market service. If you are old enough to vote and old enough to serve in the military why then aren’t you old enough to earn a living based on your acquired skillsets? Another reason that I disagree with the commissioner is
because I see the National Collegiate Athletic Association as a group of organized pimps. The FINAL FOUR contest annually generates over a billion dollars in revenue that none of the featured college athletes ever get to enjoy. Some of these players don’t make it to the NBA. I think that there should be some kind of compensation for the college athlete that makes his school a ton of bucks, but he still can’t afford a bag of potato chips to eat when in his dorm room.

Thw NBA commissioner’s best argument are the statistics that he provided me concerning the arrest rates of NBA players that had not attended college, or had gone to college for less than two years. Remarkably 46% of the NBA players that have less than two(2) years of college under their belt have been arrested. This is pretty astonishing when comparing them to the arrest rates of players that have graduated from college(less than 13%). I counter the
commissioner’s argument by saying that an ALL-ARRESTED ALL-STAR team

I mean, think about it, some players are just better with an felony indictment hanging over their heads. Smoking crack and whupping his baby mama’s ass made ALLEN IVERSON an NBA MVP.