Archive for December, 2005

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The 1st Annual HOT AZZ MESS Pageant is OVAH!

Monday, December 19th, 2005

H.A.M.

The H.A.M. Pageant was fun as shit, but all good things must come to an end. And that is how the H.A.M. Pageant wraps itself up, in someone’s rear end (NO HOMO). For over a month your comments have been hilariously hate-filled, and the above picture officially took the cake. This dude is the winner of the 1st Annual H.A.M. Pageant.

I owe a great big fat kiss to my homegirl FRESH. Go to Crunk & Disorderly and tell her that you will kiss her on the mouth (fellas only – no homo).

Another shout goes out to the site that inspired me to take it to the internets for real. For over two years, BILLY SUNDAY was just an e-mail blast, that is until I saw this site that has people talking about the same shit that I do. ByronCrawford.com is still as good as it gets on the web — even with all the useless advertisements.

There are all kinds of other photo galleries that BLU CHEEZ has stashed pictures in, so hang out there for awhile.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Crappers, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs | No Comments »

HOTLANTA HERE WE COME!

Monday, December 19th, 2005

the ladies

“I’m on a world tour with Mr. MALCOLM McLAREN
going each and every place including Japan”

I am finally going back to the Queen city after many years of absence. The place is prah’lee bananas with new construction and development. There are so many jiggs moving down there they need to rename it Coontown. Actually, that isn’t a fair assessment because all Black Folks living in Atlanta aren’t about that Negro nonsense, just everyone in this picture (Peace to WILL).

Atlanta has always been a little strange to me because everyone that I know that lives in Atlanta isn’t originally from Atlanta. Hell, these fools weren’t even born in Georgia. D-BLOCK (super O.G.) is back home from a fed bid in Alabama; D comes from the Bronx; my cousin JENNI is from Co-Op City too; IAN is from Newark; N.J. MAISHA is from B-More; and LUDACRIS is from Chicago. True story: Your boy LUDACRIS used to make KANYIZZLE carry his umbrella.

So what is fueling this rapid migration down to the dirty? Is it because the best ‘scrip clubs’ are down here? Well, I believe the answer doesn’t have to do with strippers in as much as it is about Southern women in general. Broads from the Dirty are gully, period. Their mouths are extra sassy and they know how to shoot pistols.

And if you really get out of pocket, they will burn your house down.

R.I.P. left eye

Posted in Black Bullshit, Crappers, Ghetto Celebs, Social Upheaval, T.O.N.Y. | No Comments »

NBA Pines Away For the Return of Pum-Pum Shahts

Monday, December 19th, 2005

H.Q.

My boy, STEPHON ‘HeadQuarters’ MARBURY is getting hassled by the league office for wearing his shorts too long. Apparently the fashion police don’t appreciate the throwback clamdiggers. In a funny twist, hiking up the hemline on his shorts may cut down on H.Q.’s turnovers and general unproductivity.

H.QUEEZY

HeadQuarters convinced his umbrella carrier teammate to wear extra long shorts too. Now at least NATE ROBINSON gets his name in an NBA penalty docket book since its not going to be ib the scorer’s book.

nate dogg

The players union has filed a grievance on behalf of all the players that were issued fines. There are a few all-stars and semi-decent players on the list so I ask all of you basketball fans the question… Which team would you prefer, the one filled with delinquent felons in the capri pants or the team with the Hall of Famers in the booty-cutters?

pum pum shahts all stars

Keep in mind that the booty-cutter squad even has the greatest point guard of all time.

j.s.

My dude rocked his short shorts up until retirement.

male men

Posted in Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, Sports are Gay | No Comments »

DAMN! DAMN! DAMNNNNN!

Friday, December 16th, 2005

the famz

Real talk is that I haven’t been in any kind of good writing mood lately because I am a bi-polar manic depressive and the holidays piss me the fuck off now that my dad has passed away.

The thing that keeps me from killing myself in some sort of horrific highway accident is the fact that the world I live in is just as shitty as my mood. People suck anus biggtime. I guess its just the human condition. We are too greedy and self-absorbed to give a fuck about anyone other than ourselves and that’s our attitude on a good day. I don’t exempt myself from being a piece of shit either. I know I am, but who are you…

GRAND OPENING, GRAND CLOSING: The nations historic first lesbian civil union ends up like so many other marriages – with someone taking out a restraining order.

CELEBRATE WHITE HISTORY MONTH: Oscar award winning Negro apologist MORGAN FREEMAN says that Black History Month is ridiculous. Mr.TIBBS says that, “the only way to get rid of racism is to stop talking about it”.

IT’s MURDAHHHHHHH!: Four aspiring rappers were slain in the basement recording studio of a Boston home. This reduces the number of lousy Boston crappers by four. Unfortunately, BENZINO was not in the studio.

FROM CREOLE TO QUE PASA?: There is a Latin-American labor force rebuilding New Orleans. Mexican day laborers get a bad rap from everybody but without them we would be shit out of luck for a source of cheap labor. That is until we re-enact slavery bitches!

P.S. The Iraqi War is STILL popping off to the tune of 30,000 mercked Iraqis… more or less.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Social Upheaval | 4 Comments »

TOOKIE WILLIAMS IS NOT MALCOLM X!

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

tookie < big red

The internets are driving me bananas with all this talk about Crips founder, STANLEY ‘TOOKIE’ WILLIAMS. The eulogies are flying around as if we had lost one of the greatest humanitarian statesmen since PAUL ROBESON.

I don’t doubt the transformation that TOOKIE made during his incarceration and I don’t think that the state of California or Texas for that matter have ever had an equitable or justifiable record of prosecuting people of color and poor people. What has been lost in all of the hoopla of the protests by celebrity gangbangers like SNOOP DOGG has been TOOKIE’s adherence to the ‘G’ code.

With the small window of time that he remained on the planet he tried to leave a legacy that would outshine his darkest moments. I have to respect that gangsta. But by trying to compare his state-sponsored execution to that of MALCOLM or MARTIN you are missing the true essence of a leader. MALCOLM’s challenge to the status-quo mentality made him an enemy of Corporate America. There is nobody in the world badder than C.A. They are so gangsta that they can drop a bomb on you while you sit on the toilet. And in the morning papers it will read that there was a gas leak in your building.

I’m just saying that maybe if TOOKIE lived another fifty years he might get to the level of a MALCOLM or MARTIN, but as it stands he doesn’t even eclipse MUMIA.

Editor’s note: Further signs of the apocalypse… TOOKIE WILLIAMS tee shirts on eBAY listed as TOOKIE WILLIAMS ORIGINAL GANGSTER THUG PIMP. oy!

Posted in Black Bullshit, Ghetto Celebs, Social Upheaval | 12 Comments »

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