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So one evening after I had been wearing my girlfriends thighs as if they were earmuffs and we lay together in our sweaty nakedness I asked the question. “Why did you stop dating white guys?” I knew the question was secretly loaded because when I first asked it over a year ago the answer had been that she had never dated a white guy ever. I knew that there was no way this sister hadn’t put some milk in her coffee because she knew more Depeche Mode and Thompson Twins songs than I did. Its not even that big a deal to me either because I have dated every range of the color spectrum, but its strikes me as funny that after a year I can start to find out a whole different side of the person that I am supremely intimate with.

In a years time there is no one alive that can remember anything they said that wasn’t true. Even women, who are the masters of deception can’t keep track of all their stories. Eventually it all falls down. So how do you avoid the Jeckyl and Hyde syndrome that comes with practically every single woman over the age of sixteen? I asked the good right Reverend Dr. WILLIAM H. SUNDAY how to know when what a woman tells me is the truth.

“First of all, its all truth. It is all the truth, but YOU can’t handle the truth! Do you really want to know how many times that your girlfriend has given her heart and her soul and, of course, her body to some man? The truth is that its probably more times than even she can remember. The truth is she has given herself up to the rollercoaster ride that is love time after time. And many of those times the man has been flyer than you are, with more money, more class, a larger dick, and a lot more skills in the bedroom. The truth is you are lucky and blessed to have someone that believes that you can be more than just a fat azz, college dropout, formerly homeless ex-junkie, chain-snatching car thief.”

“So if you REALLY, REALLY want the truth. If you really must know how many hairy ballsacks have been tickled by her tongue and how many times her soft cameo has been split open to receive someone’s manhood you will never ever gain the ultimate truth. The ultimate truth is that a woman lives for love and she will pursue it with a courage and fearlessness that borders reckless abandon. The ultimate truth is that you won’t be the last.”

As always, the good Reverend puts things in their proper perspective. Instead of asking how, when or why I am reminded to live and love as if it were the last days of time. My number will surely be called one day and I want to be able to say that it was better to have lived and loved, than to never have loved at all.

As a public service to our weblog subscribers we again turn to our resident sage, the many times indicted, more often acquitted and most definitely committed CAPTAIN WILLIAM H. SUNDAY for his invaluable advice to those in love and those that are good at faking it.

THE WET SPOT EXEMPTION…
There is probably no greater nemesis to the continued union of young lovers than the dreaded wet spot. Many a young man has left the bedside of his ravished lover because he was relegated to lay upon the wet spot. It usually happens during the time that he leaves his lover’s arms and enters the washroom so that he might dry himself of the natural essences that he has acquired during a torrid session of lovemaking. When he returns to the bedroom he finds his lover has surreptitiously moved to the area of the bed that was unoccupied during the session. Given the choice of remaining overnight in the area of the bed moisture laden with natural essences and possibly water-based lubricants, he opts to depart from the premises but makes himself a sandwich first.

This situation would not have happened if this couple followed ‘BILLY SUNDAY’s Rules of Engagement : Dating and Co-habitation’. Chapter 4 deals specifically with bedside protocol. There is a thing called the ‘Wet Spot Exemption,’ granted to the partner who has done most of the heavy lifting during a lovemaking episode. When we say heavy lifting, we don’t mean just acts that require someone to physically suspend someone in the air, but maneuvers that require you to hold your breath for an extended period, place your back/vertebrae in an uncomfortable position and, lastly, endure a reasonable amount of pain. The partner that completes the greater number of these efforts should receive the ‘Wet Spot Exemption’ for that evening’s rest period.

The exemption is only valid for 24 hours or until the next episode of lovemaking (whichever comes first – pun intended). The exemption is valid for all bodily fluids and natural essences, including but not limited to: sweat, saliva, urine, body oils, male ejaculation, female ejaculation, pre-ejaculation, champagne, blood, feces, santorum, silicone/water-based lubricants, Kool-Aid, and candle wax. The exemption is non-transferable for housecleaning requirements and/or pet care duties, i.e. dog walking or litterbox refuse.

Another important point in ‘BILLY SUNDAY’s Rules of Engagement’ is that couples must be flexible in their sleeping arrangements. There should be no specific side of the bed for either person to sleep on. In this way, couples do not segregate themselves when they should be integrating. Get it… in to grating?

Anyhoo,

‘BILLY SUNDAY’s Rules of Engagement : Dating and Co-habitation’ is on sale wherever you buy your quality Negroedian literature. Please pick up a copy.