Archive for March, 2006

R.I.P. THUNDERCRACKER (ReMix)

Saturday, March 18th, 2006

WHAT's THE FLAVOR!!??!!??

This day, fourteen years ago, I lost the best friend anyone ever had. He was like my younger brother; not young enough that I had to babysit him, but just young enough to listen to whatever I said. Well, not everything. But if it had some adventure to it, he was down for the crown.

We lived across the street from one another, in a part of the neighborhood where the kids were from two-parent homes that their parents actually owned. We were also medium lightskin and handsome. This made us and the kids from our enclave the envy of the rest of the neighborhood. We wanted to show the other kids that even though we went to schools in white neighborhoods and even though we had white friends we were still… Black!?!

T.C. and I would do simple stuff like boost juice from the bodega before we would go to the Parks Dept. public pool. When we got a little older we became writers, actually ‘taggers’, and we would ride our BMX bikes all around the city to do our graffiti in obscure places, like on the pedestrian walkway of the Tri-Boro Bridge. The funny thing was that we had to be pretty brazen when doing our ‘tagging up’ because we both had to be home before dark or risk punishment. Sure, we were afraid of the police, but our parents were way meaner than any cop we ever encountered.

As teenagers the level of our felonious misbehavings increased and we became car thiefs and part time drug dealers. Stealing cars was easy as hell, especially during the summer, because our homes were in parking range of Shea Stadium. There were some METS fans that had to suffer the double ignominy of rooting for a sucky team AND not having an automobile to drive home in after their team lost again.

When it came to selling drugs, me and T.C. knew we really weren’t from that part of the neighborhood. The older dudes that were giving us ‘work’ were doing it because they were desperate for some young bodies to stand on the corner and do ‘hand-to-hand’ for them. Once in high school, however, I was lucky enough to link up with some guys that needed more ‘work’ than a few measly redtop/yellowtop pieces and we left the block jigs to their own devices. That is why I loved T.C. like my brother. He was a straight rider, even when he knew I was getting into some crazy shit. And he always had my back.

So when I got down with a group of guys from my high school in Brooklyn who had banded together to keep the thugs from other rival high schools from always handing us our azzes, I invited T.C. to join. Nevermind that T.C. went to high school in Queens. My youth action group had grown quite large and as part of our public service mandate, we gathered after school to escort students to and from the train stations. Whenever T.C. met up with me and the fellas, we’d have the strangest luck in finding things all around the city. It was a lot of fun hanging out with the fellas, but after a while the time came for us to stop running around the subways and knocking people out for their GUCCI sweatshirts and PRINCE sneakers.

T.C. and I weren’t going to be drug dealers forever either. My parents had a video camera and I liked to make movies, and T.C. was one of those rare cats that had every rap song memorized, even the rare joints by T-LA ROCK that never were played on the radio. We were going to take the monies from all our illicit hustling and move to Los Angeles. We imagined that in our real life we were creating the script and soundtrack for the hipper, cooler, Black version of ‘Less Than Zero’.

T.C. and I never made it out to L.A. We never even got the chance to leave this damn time zone together. Sometimes I regret the fact that I have lived these past 14 years without my brother. I think about all the things that I have experienced as an adult that he would have liked to do. I still haven’t made the trip to Los Angeles, but when I get there I will be pouring out half my bottle of BELVEDERE for my brother.

T.C.

HUSTLE & FLOW = SUCKLE & BLOW (ReMix)

Friday, March 17th, 2006

don juan

I wasted two hours of my life watching this movie over the weekend. I want to tell you good people not to waste your money or your time, but I did that already regarding the SUPERHEAD book and all you people rushed out to buy it. The movie is just a perpetuation of mass media’s marketing of an authentic ‘Black’ lifestyle. The mythic notion that the pimp-drugpusher-criminal paradigm is easily commutable into a rapper is as false as it is destructive. There are NO rappers that were former drugpushers. There are NO rappers that were former gunrunners. O.K., let me revise that statement. There are NO good rappers that were former hardcore criminals. The thought process of counting bars and rehearsing cadences and breathing techniques doesn’t translate into robbing banks to raise recording studio fees.

Believe what you want people, but the numbers don’t lie. A kid flipping burgers at a fast food joint has a better chance a being a rapper than a drug dealer. Street level drug dealers makes far less money than your average grillboy at Burger King when you consider the hours of workshift, associated fees(lawyers, bailbonds, NIKE Air Jordans) and mortality rate. Its no wonder that so many drug dealers still live with their mamas.

If there is one positive thing that I can say about this crappy film its that my cousin, TERRENCE HOWARD is bringing lightskin brothers back to the fore. We had been banished for years since the emergence of MICHAEL JORDAN, DENZEL and WESLEY(and the fact that AL B. SURE and PRINCE were a bit too… ), but now we can walk tall again without having to shave off all of our facial hair.

Here’s a short list of five movies that you could see with a date that would be a better experience than the contrived negro nonsense that is HUSTLE & FLOW…

1) Mad Hot Ballroom
2) Murder Ball
3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
4) Mr. & Mrs. Smith
5) Wedding Crashers

DIE ESSENCE DIE! (ReMix)

Friday, March 17th, 2006

cotton picking ragazine

ESSENCE Magazine is continuing their program of perpetuating mock victimization by masking the real issues with hyper-consumerism. The latest issue features the new prototype of Black manhood, USHER RAYMOND, on the cover. As usual the editors at ESSENCE have devised a byline for the cover that will titillate the senses of Black women everywhere – ‘MEN UNCENSORED, What they really feel about Sex, Porn, Love and Us’.

First off, do you see the topics and their respective order that the editors have chosen to highlight? As if sex and porn come before love and Black women. Next, I read the article and just as I expected, it was a covert attack against Black relationships. The men questioned were of various ages and all were described as progressive and upwardly mobile. I refuse to believe that this interview session even took place. The men’s responses were not three-dimensional, but stereotypically lame and quasi-chauvanistic. I am convinced this article was written by a Chinese woman imagining she was in a room of Black men. For instance, Black men are not complaining about getting head any longer. That was a funny comedy routine by CHRIS ROCK about seven years ago. Since then TRINA and LIL’ KIM have done a masterful job of influencing Black women to freely give up oral and anal sex. What we are complaining about now is not being allowed to pee on our girlfriends when we are in the shower together.

All I am trying to tell you is that ESSENCE magazine wants Black women to remain emotionally unsatisfied so that they will use their financial assets to compensate for the void. ESSENCE doesnt just want you to feel incomplete on a romantic level, they are even more sinister. ESSENCE wants you to hate the skin that you are in. I found several advertisements for beauty products that featured white in the photos.

SEPHORA – white model (ad text states ‘endless beauty options’)
MONISTAT – white skin
GILLETTE VENUS razors – semi-nude blonde model
McDONALD’s – white girls
DERMABLAND – white model (ad text states that ‘all skin imperfections
disappear’)
HUGGIES diapers – white baby

The worst thing that was advertised in this piece of shit magazine was the new fragrance from GIORGIO ARMANI. The photo featured a white couple. The name of the fragrance is BLACK CODE. Do you people know what the BLACK CODE is?!? The BLACK CODE was a name given to laws passed by southern states during the presidency of Andrew Johnson(post Civil War). These laws imposed severe restrictions on freed slaves such as prohibiting their right to vote, forbidding them to sit on juries, limiting their right to testify against white men, carrying weapons in public places and working in certain occupations. Can you imagine if faggot azz CALVIN KLEIN called a cologne HOLOCAUST? He would get shot between the eyes by the MOSSAD. And of all the magazines available to feature a launch ad for this stupidly named mens product GIORGIO ARMANI chose to do it in a publication geared to the African-American community. Just remember that you can’t spell gay without a G and an A in the beginning.

black code

I know I have asked you good people to become active several times before but if you can’t find the time in your schedule to write an e-mail to Mrs.DIANE WEATHERS, the Editor-in-Chief of ESSENCE then don’t complain to me when your right to vote is revoked. It will be your own fault because you bought into the BLACK CODE.

REVENGE of the NERDS pt.1 (ReMix)

Thursday, March 16th, 2006

for the love of Laura

My favorite nerds were always the math geeks. I respected their precision geared intellect and they liked me because I was a jock. Okay, I was more jocular than jock, but I still defended the math geeks from getting atomic wedgies or having their pocket protecters stolen. They kept me from failing Calculus. I remember that I had the most beautiful Geometry tutor when I was 13years old. She was Persian, and gorgeous in that Middle Eastern kind of way. Olive tanned skin and long black curly hair. Lots of hair. Her sideburns were below her chin line and her eyebrows were so thick she could have braided them. When I got older I learned that “Persian” was code for Iranian and since RONALD RAYGUN was still the president people of Middle Eastern descent had to become some generic biblical ethnicity. She was majoring in Economics and Statistics.

How funny the world turns that now an Economics major is revered in some circles more than a physicist. I attribute their popularity to the skill of being precise and scientific with concepts that some of us think we understand. The physicist is precise when relating to atoms and molecular compounds, while the economist is precise when documenting figures like the average annual salaries of women between the ages of 25 and 30. The economist is the nerd that deals with control groups that we can relate to and this makes them a sexy commodity. Several economist nerds were able to pool a bunch of corporate grant money together and this allowed them to fall back for a few years and just do research. They collected data on anything and everything. The result of years of data-mining is contained in the book called ‘FREAKONOMICS’.

One of my favorite projects within this book is the study conducted in California based on the names that Blacks and white choose for their children. Since 1970 the differences in name selections between Black and white has become more pronounced. The study found that since the 1990’s Blacks are twenty times more likely to issue their child a name that is unique EVEN to the Black community. Speaking of unique, the study found more than four(4) disparate spelling variations for the name Unique (incl. Uneek, Uneque, and Uneqqee). Of course these were all Black children.

Because I have said for years that DALLAS PENN is for the kids’, I will cut right to the chase and give you a few important links to consider before you name your children. The first one gives you a listing of the top twenty whitest names and the top twenty Blackest names for girls. In other words, these are the most poular names for girls along racial lines…

The following list is for the top twenty names for boys comparing white and Black babies…

In honor of my brother CROSSOVER NEGRO REESE of the STAR & BUC WILD
Morning Show here is the listing of the top twenty ‘crossover’ names. These are the names that had the greatest attraction to both white and Black parents…

DE LA SOUL IS NOT DEAD (ReMix)

Thursday, March 16th, 2006

de la dunks

I will admit to you now that I am completely hypnotized by rap music videos. They are slick and colorful four minute commercials that place all kinds of products from footwear to luxury accessories to “lifestyle choices”. I see Black men my age driving cars with manufacturers names that I cant even begin to pronounce. and diamond and platinum encrusted objects unworthy of such adornment. And the women… I see women presented as rare and elite because their proportions mimic those of racehorses.

And then I get depressed, not to mention frustrated as I see what my simple job provides for me as luxury is barely enough money to pay this goddamn cable bill to watch these godforsaken videos. If I wanted to be a rapper at this late stage in my life my name would most surely be BROKEY DEE. But I can’t rap. I just like to listen to it. Actually nowadays, I watch it more than I hear it. If an artist doesn’t have a music video aired incessantly on the VIACOM controlled MTV/BET networks(that’s right kids, the same company owns both outlets) then I don’t even know they are alive.

Such was the case with DE LA SOUL. This trio of rappers from Long Island are the fathers of what some rap critics have labeled as ‘backpacker’ rap music. Their debut album ‘3 Feet High and Rising’ remains a classic milestone in rap music due to their avant garde rhyme flow and witty, inventive production. The group has managed to remain intact and in the studio despite the whims of fickle fans like myself. After their performance at Central Park’s Summstage in 2003 they seemed to fall off the map again. I have only myself to blame since the only points I drew on that map were NAS, JAY-Z and 50CENT. It turns out that the PLUGS were still busy doing what they do best. Making real Hip-Hop music. Late last year they released their 16th album(first under the Sanctuary Urban imprint) called ‘The Grind Date’. This album is the perfect antidote for those of us who are sick of the poison pen lyrics from the DIPSETTERs, G-UNITs and STATE PROPERTYs that dominate rap music. The beats are hard, yet still mellifluous, with the familiar DE LA sound without becoming redundant. Rarely do I tell you to buy an album because I would much rather that you spent your money coming to one of my parties, but in this case I suggest that you buy the latest DE LA SOUL album.

That is, as soon as you can tear yourself away from watching the latest 50CENT video…

‘P.I.M.P.’ or is it ‘CANDY SHOP’?!?