Archive for January, 2007

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SNEAKER FIENDS UNITE!

Wednesday, January 17th, 2007

life savers

I send this drop out to all of you that still represent the lifestyle. There’s the cats like THIRSTIN’ HOWL III, RACK LO, JUST BLAZE, T.I. and KANYE that keep things front and center in the rap game and all of y’all true school heads that I used to go to war with over these colors. We still up in here. We still alive and we still living and breathing this Hip-Hop. That’s one of the reasons why I call this set my ‘LifeSavers’.

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No matter what you stayed true to the game because you kept an eye on the past by respecting the architects and you keeps it funky with a twist on the new. Peep the wool trooper badge knit. So crisp because it’s been on ice for almost twenty years. It comes out the wrapper for photo ops and refolding. The trooper badge zip up jacket with stow away hood in the collar. So fresh and so clean-clean. This jacket is undeniable Bes Stuy Brooklyn Crown Heights classic. Lastly I made a pair of special edition Dunks in the ‘LifeSavers’ colorway. Holler at your boy if you want a pair built to spec from NIKE I.D. Baller bands, an extra set of racer blue laces and all-cotton ankle socks. Yes, it is serious like that.

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Peace to the Walk-A-Thon. Peace to Albee Square. Peace to N.A. & Fulton. Peace to Union Square. Peace to Empire. Peace to Rooftop. Peace to Skate Key. Peace to Latin Quarter. Peace to Lord & Taylor. Peace to Bloomie’s (nahh, fuck Bloomies!) Peace to B.F.O. Peace to N.B.O. Y’all ain’t ready, and I can’t stop, ‘cuz I won’t stop. I am Hip-Hop.

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Posted in Fashion Faux Pas, Sneaker Fiends United, Straight Laced, T.O.N.Y., The Addict, When I Reminisce... | 27 Comments »

The Goddess Is Good, All Of The Time…

Wednesday, January 17th, 2007

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I was just complaining how BeYONCE never gives me any frontal photos and then BAM! Look how good she is to me, sharing her goddess-like bounty with me over the internets, giving me that blank stare that says that she has no idea where I am taking her, but oh, she knows, she knows we are going into the bathroom right now and I am opening my bottle of Burt’s Bees lotion…

b

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, Lust = Love, Straight Laced | 4 Comments »

U.S. Still Drunk Off That CHENEY Kool-Aid…

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

cheney kool aid

This week SCOOTER LIBBY will be going to trial for lying about his complicit role in the classified information leak of the CIA agent, VALERIE PLAME. What is disturbing to people with common sense is why the Feds haven’t charged people for the leak of classified info instead of charging them with the cover-up. They wouldn’t have needed to cover anything up if they hadn’t committed the crime in the first place.

There was so much wild business that led to the build up of the Iraq invasion. There was the bogus intelligence reports that COLIN POWELL sold to Congress like the carpetbagger he was. MAMMY! MAMMY!

There was the mainstream media machine walking in robotic lockstep with the Administration and when anyone dared to ask a question or demand real evidence there was the neocon apparatus that uses any means necessary to bring you to your knees.

There was no way in hot hell that this Iraq debacle wasn’t going to pop off. You do remember that the BUSH family is heavily invested in petroleum production? Okay, okay, my badd we said all that already.

Did anybody peep this item on the newsreel about more privacy fuckery from the Administration? Your phone calls, e-mail, snail mail and bank records are all available for data mining inspection in an effort to protect us from the terrorists. This is why I pay for my porn with cash. I hope while the neocons are poring over all of my late payments and bounced checks they decide to slide me some of that sweet environmental lobbyist scrilla.

The good thing about me being a poor person is the fact that I will be returning that money directly back to the economy via cheap booze and hookers. I’ll prah’lee even buy myself some JIM JONES Guyana flavored Cherry Kool-Aid. Just in case…

red kool aid

Posted in Black Bullshit, Social Upheaval | 6 Comments »

BILLY SUNDAY’s Guide To Black Women’s Hair…

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

ebony3

In a few weeks we will all be under siege with another 28 days of Black Bullshit. Some of you take advantage of Black History Month to learn the names of some of your jig co-workers. That’s nice of you.

As a preemptive public service I thought we should create a guide to help people learn more about Black women according to the hairstyles they wear. The thing about Black women is that each different hairstyle comes with its own prerequisite attitude and lifestyle. This handy guide will help you choose a comparable Black female friend based on the style of her hair, and the best part is that she won’t even know how you knew so much about her.

skeeball THE SKEEBALL
I took this name from Byron Crawford because it’s so apropo. Skeeball head chicks are always unbalanced. Heaven forbid you are trying to get close to a bi-racial skeeball head girl. These chicks have too many issues to even begin to wrap your head around.

upchuck THE UPCHUCK
Sometimes this style looks like a mini explosion at the back of someone’s head, but I think it’s meant to look somewhat Euro-casual. If the Black chick that has this hairstyle also wears a shaggy off the shoulder sweater I think you can trust her because she evidently doesn’t get out too much.

lil' bro THE LIL’ BRO
When the skeeball starts to grow back in hopefully the girls mind is also returning. By the looks of this sister and the rack she’s holding I would be down to talk some ‘Free MUMIA’ bullshit with her in the chance of scoring some pro African poon.

curly lil' bro THE CURLY LIL’ BROHAM
Here’s a look at the wet side of the Lil’ Bro style. Remember that girl group TOTAL? The lead singer had this haircut and she wasn’t gay after all. At least I don’t think so. Girls that sport curly lil’ brohams are cool to hang out with, but make sure you let them know from jump street that they have to pay their own tab. These chicks are saving money on styling by wearing this hairstyle so they can afford to pay for their own dinner.

crazy lil' bro THE CRAZY LIL’ BROTHER
The name says it all when you meet one of these chicks. She’s one of those broads that had one of those ‘horrible’ long term relationships. She’s just getting her shit back together after a small stint in the pysche ward. Inside she’s a nice girl, but everything you say reminds her of the last dude. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT have sex with her. She will stalk your azz.

broke bitch THE UNEMPLOYABLE
Sometimes known as the W.I.C. check. Whoever wears this style I can guarantee you they don’t have a job or their own business, unless you call braiding hair in your kitchen ‘ghetto entreprenuerism’. The other thing that I can almost assure you is that this woman’s name has way too many vowels. Something like Starrkeysha.

self employ THE SELF-EMPLOYED
When you see this hairstyle you should understand the ambition that is contained in the wearer. She is a driven hard worker and she owns her own business. The question though is how many people want macrame knitted clothing? Not too many. If she could pore her energy and focus into a commodity that people wanted then maybe she might have enough money to pay for her own movie ticket.

stripper THE STRIPPER BRAIDS
This is what being self-employed is all about. Nobody tells her where to go or when to come (pun always intended).

finger waves THE O.G. FINGER WAVER
I’d like to act like I don’t have an aunt that has this hairstyle, but I’m sure there is someone in Petersburg, Virginia related to me wearing this ‘do.

blondread THE BLONDIELOCKS
Whenever I see a lady wth her hair bleached out blonde I just shake my head. I don’t have conversations with these women because I imagine that their sensibilities and politics are all jacked up. Who was the one that told them their hair looked better blonde? And why did she believe them?!?

boygirl boy THE BOYGIRL BOY
Quick message to parents… Stop making your sons look bitchmade with long hair. They’re boys and they aren’t supposed to be cute.

doobie THE DOOBIE WRAP
This is what you want to get next to fellas. Everything about this female is right on point. Long pressed hair, nice smile, and uh, nice kerbangers. You see she has a nice little fat on the back of her arms too so you know she can cook. I say bring some fried boneless chicken breasts over her house and a bottle of Reisling wine. When you get this sweet tender thing just a little drunk she will go down in you. At least that’s what her hairstyle is telling me.

doobie THE DOOBIE DON’T
Anytime you come across a chick with her style this tight my advice would be to leave her alone because she is gonna cost way too much money to keep up her hair and trust me all she thinks about is her hair. She’s in love with her hair because everyone compliments her on it. Her hobby is her hair. Her baby is her hair. If she has a child it is getting fed after her hair.

doobie THE BLANGE DOOBIE
Black women love to dye their hair this wild color that combines auburn and blonde streaks. I have taken to calling this hyrbrid hue Blange (pronounced blahnj). The really excessive women will also dye their eyebrows and try to match up their lipstick. You can’t tell her she isn’t fly either. She parlayed her community college experience into a civil service job and she balls out in Miami Beach every Memorial Day (yawwwn).

lion queen THE LION QUEEN
Speaking of civil servants, let’s not forgot the wearers of the oversize box braids at the office. I wonder sometimes if actual African people look at Black Americans and laugh on the inside.

shirley THE SHIRLEY TEMPLE DREAD
Blue contacts? Nose earring? Looks like another charity case if you ask me.

non pro THE NON-PROFIT
Figuring out someone’s profession from looking at their hairstyle is one of my talents. This style is worn by most of the Blacks that have graduated from historically Black colleges and universities and now work at one of the countless educational and non-profit endowments that have been established to give these people with worthless degrees someplace to work. She shops at IKEA and makes you take your shoes off when you come in her house, but she smells so damn good its hard not to eat her up like a plate of collard greens and macaroni and cheese.

bonetural THE BONETURAL
Combining LISA BONET with the natural wet look is one of my favorite styles, but be sure you check the back of the girl’s scalp for the weave. You’d be surprised how many liteskinned ladies are imitation Indians. She told me she had some Sioux in her blood, but she really meant lawsuit. Too bad that I have a thing for the grey-green eye chicks because she was a grimey type broad to steal money out of your wallet when you were asleep.

bonetural THE SELF-UNEMPLOYED LIL’ UPCHUCK NON-PROFIT CURLY BLONDE DREAD
I know that I killed all the above women that had these elements in their hairstyles and the truth is that I’m sure they’re all really nice people once you get to know them. I just had to point out that the greatest thing about Black women has nothing to do with their hair. Their undeniable power comes from that space on their shoulder right where the neck comes in. It’s soft and tender and usually smells like some kind of fruit. As long as a Black woman has a clavicle she doesn’t really need any hair.

Posted in Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, Lust = Love, Wig Owners | 96 Comments »

ALL DAY I DREAM ABOUT SLASHING…

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

agent 0

I don’t even fucks with Adidas brand no more like that, but it might be the shoes that have GILBERT ARENAS on some lights out shit throughout the Association. Dude has been styling on everyone from the Sixers to the Suns, from Memphis to Milwaukee.

Have you seen the Adidas spots that have been running during the N.F.L. playoffs starring GILBERT and now KEVIN GARNETT? Adidas is trying to get their game up to NikeSpeed. They might get there too if GILBERT keeps busting fools for no money down.

gillie

Posted in Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, Sneaker Fiends United, Sports are Gay, The Addict | 13 Comments »

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