Archive for March, 2007

Race! What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing!

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

niggas

Can someone please explain this race shit to me, as opposed to ethnicity, religion or nationality? It’s such a bogus social construct, but we all have everything we know invested in it.

I feel bad for my mom who recently became a homeowner in the Atlanta suburb of Marietta. Georgia seemed odd to me some ten years since my last visit. It seemed as if it were expunged of it’s history and it’s heritage. Not that history and heritage are always pleasant recollections either, but there was always something valorous to me about the old crusty southerner that thought the civil war was still being fought. I prefer him to the DAVID DUKE acolytes that publish the New York Times.

Georgia you need to stand the fuck up. Y’all niggas was all beside yourself when that hooker broad accused them Duke boys of raping her junkie azz, but I don’t hear shit from y’all when all of your state lawmakers vote to refuse a public apology for slavery and then pass a bill to create a Confederate Heritage Month. Something tells me that you niggas in Georgia are too busy snapping your fingers and leanin’ wit’ it, and rockin’ wit’ it.

Don’t look for no answers from the popular artistic community either. Them niggers is wearing white gloves and soft-shoeing in Chevrolet commercials. The nerve of fools to be from Atlanta and call themselves the ‘King of the South’. Good thing KING is dead already because his azz would be committing suicide if he saw all the trouble and police dogs and fireman hoses that he endured for this bullshit.

niggars

The worst story that came to me today was the one about the couple from New York who went to a fertilization clinic to give the woman some legit sperm, but they ended up giving her some nigger dick. You see, it turns out that her husband’s dick was broken and he couldn’t put any sperm in her egg crate. They knew that she was given nigger dick when the baby came out the pocket with dark skin. The doctor that supervised the nigger dick injection told the lady that since her own background was Caribbean there was a chance that a strain of nigger dick DNA ran through her bloodline.

What was that for? The last people that you need to call Black are the ones that think they are passing. Here you have a housewife totally acclimated and comfortable in the white world of privilege and now you go and tell her that she is actually a nigger that’s only passing?!? Shame on you doctor for telling the truth from the soundproof booth. Yes she’s a nigger, and yes her babies are also part nigger, but why does she have to be reminded of this everyday when she let’s this obviously nigger baby live under her roof?

My advice to the nigger-in-denial housewife is to give your nigger baby to MADONNA or ANGELINA JOLIE. Them ho’s love that shit.

DOGWALKERS = CRACKHEADS

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

dog walker

In a manner of speaking, because both of these groups portend to a decline in the quality of life. With crackheads it’s the fact that your car’s back window gets broken every three to six months and with dogwalkers it’s the fact that as soon as the snow melts you find yourself constantly stepping in shit.

My biggest problem with the dogwalkers is their sense of privilege and entitlement that they have simply because they aren’t crackheads. As if they and their expensive dogs make my neighborhood better simply because of their presence. Not only do dogwalkers make my sidewalks shitty but they also lead to price increases in rent and other services. It’s assumed by business people that if anyone can afford to shelter and feed a non-productive member of their household then they wouldn’t mind paying extra for orange juice. O.K. We’ll make it organic orange juice.

COMBAT JACK asked me to kill the scatalogical posts, but I’m just tired of the shit on the sidewalks.

TALKIN’ SHIT WITH THE DALLAS…

Wednesday, March 21st, 2007

birthday poop

I don’t care how sick I am there is nothing that can stop me from talkin’ shit. You could say it’s what I do. Of all the solitary acts that one can complete there is nothing more pleasurable to me than leaving a shit. It’s slightly above masturbation and reading while on the toilet. Real talk is that one day I was reading on the toilet and masturbating while pinching a loaf. That shit made my eyes roll back in my head.

Nothing compares to the feeling of lightness after you’ve dumped a mean log. You just want to go running or something buck naked through the tall grass. Good times. The only thing that can mess that experience up are the times that I forget to buy t.p. and end up using whatever paper product is in my apartment from the local Pennysaver circulars to the godawful paper towels. I remember this one time that I had come home from work…

It was a typical long day at the job. I was working at a field site and the only bathrooms were the rented port-a-potties. I had drunk two cups of job site coffee that day which is actually like chewing coffee instead of drinking it. I knew that when I got home I was going to have to leave a massive rope since I hadn’t broken anything off in the morning before I left. The Long Island Rail Road was crowded as usual but my stop comes pretty early into Nassau County. As I walk the two blocks to my apartment I stopped at the latin supermercado to buy some honey for the tea that I’ll be making later that night. These dudes also have a kitchen and they make different Dominican dishes through the day. I decided to copp some shredded beef and peppers for dinner. As I walk home I’m happy despite the faint notion that I forgot to pick up something at the store.

When I get home I’m greeted by the humidity and smell of chlorine. My building has an indoor pool in the lobby and that’s the main reason that I bought this apartment. I open my mailbox to the normal junkmail and invoices. I see that I have the new Eastbay catalog. I never buy anything from this sporting goods retailer, but I love to see the new colorways for general release sneakers that are coming out. My bowels know when I am near my apartment because they start to quiver and act up as soon as I put my key in the door. This is not one of those emergencies so I calmly remove my shoes and then put my groceries in the kitchen. Next I take off my jacket and my shirt and discard them in the pile. Next I remove my socks and unzip my pants.

Removing one’s socks before taking a supernatural shazbot is key because that allows you to open and curl your toes. Before I go into the chamber I take the Eastbay catalog since I expect to be busy or awhile.

Ahhhhhh. Bliss I tell you. In terms of shits this is one of the better ones. Definitely a 9 out of 10. cIt’s a clean and contiguous log. No breakage and no wetness. All in all, today was a good day. Now I just need to wipe myself and clean up and then I can go play on the internets.

DAMN.

I forgot to copp t.p. when I was at the store. My mind races for a minute as I think what I may use in lieu of my favorite Scottissue. I have a few napkins left over from the chinese kitchen that I had take out from the other night. Not enough to do a respectful job of covering my hand though. I realize with dread that I am going to have to use a few sheets of Bounty paper towels. Bounty makes the paper towels that are so strong they can lift furniture. You can also use them to clean burned rice out of pots. They are the Brillo of paper towels. I do the only thing possible to mitigate their grit. I soak them in water and then I begin to wipe…

ARRRRRGHHHHH!

This is what I get for forgetting to buy a multi-pack of Scottissue, but never again my friends. I will go to CostCo just to pick up the 48 roll package of t.p. so that I never have to suffer through the ignominy of paper towel wiping again. My ass thanks me for that.

DP DOT COM IS THE ILLEST, NO… REALLY

Wednesday, March 21st, 2007

chowpak

I am sick as a fuck with a flu bug so I haven’t had the energy to get at it with y’all like we normally do. In my stead I hope that you are fucking with BIOCHEMICAL SLANG and START SNITCHING. Also open up GLAMAZON LIFE and CRUNK and DISORDERLY while your’e at it. Don’t forget my niggas on the trigger at OHWORD and UNKUT.

As soon as I am back on my feet we will continue our mission to deconstruct supremacy.

DALLASPENN.COM Is Big And Tasty

Tuesday, March 20th, 2007

big and tasty

RAFI’s and my initial video project, ‘The Ghetto Big Mac’, is nearing the “100,00 viewed” mark which in the YouTube universe is a certifiable hit. Our next project has a directly pointed social commentary aspect which may or may not translate into as many views as the GBM, but it will certainly be more important to watch.

In the meantime and in between time why don’t you look at the Ghetto Big Mac video one more time with me. Shouts to EDITMASTER CAZ on the director’s tip (no LOUGANIS).