Archive for November, 2007

POLITRICKS 2008: I Snorted, But I Didn’t Inhale…

Monday, November 26th, 2007

obaamania

Editor’s note: Hip-HopDX’s The Ambassador tells us why she goes in for presidential candidate BARACK OBAAMA. Being a Beltway resident, I wonder if she would consider interning for the Democratic candidate? What if he promised free ganja?

I fucks with Barack Obaama. Not necessarily as a politician, but as a smile inducer. I sadly don’t know too much about his political stance…talk to me after I graduate from college about having time to read up on the political world like that. All I know is that he’s a Black guy that’s running for President who for once in my memory isn’t Al Sharpton (how the fuck do you expect me to trust you when you’re doing LoanMax ads?!). He also gets props from me for coming to speak at my campus, and every single time that he absolutely shouldn’t – Barack spits that real shit, son. Well, as much truth as a politician possibly can. Underhanded bastards.

See, I always gave Bill Clinton props because he held down the country pretty decently (if I remember correctly, I was young as shit), got us out of debt, and wasn’t hated by everybody and their mommas. And he accomplished all that shit while pulling off cheating on his wife at the workplace which also happened to be his place of residence. DAMN. And Hillary looks like one of those straight-laced broads that doesn’t play that shit, so you know he was catching some hell behind the scenes for that one. I wonder what his punishment was? Somehow I don’t think having to sleep on the White House couch would really be so bad. But, Barack still has a one-up on our boy Billy – he doesn’t deny his past shenanigans.

Shit, Barack even took a slick shot at Mr. Clinton onetime while speaking in New Hampshire. Remember way back in the day when Clinton said that he smoked but he didn’t inhale? Barack was asked if he inhaled that sweet sticky green, and his response was “I never understood that line. The point was to inhale. That was the point.” That was the most politically
correct way of saying “Ayo, Bill, you’re a waste of weed, man.”


So, keep spittin that real shit, Obama. Keep letting the people know how you went to Islamic school (better known to the white majority as “How to Blow Shit Up” school). It’s not going to get you into office, but at least you’ll get some respect and some street cred in the process.

Oh, and for all of you that are like me and are too busy with life (or reading DP Dot Com) to be bothered with learning about the candidates’ platforms: Barack is “open” to the idea of medicinal marijuana if it’s the best way to relieve pain and suffering. Holla!

ambassador The Ambassador says…
“And if you don’t know, now you know.”

Rap Dudes Be Gettin’ They Learn On…

Monday, November 26th, 2007

4 dummies

Love it or hate it, mostly hate it, BILLY X. SUNDAY + XXL Mag Dot Com = that shit. No, really.

I’m going in again on my cousins at King magazine for their photo article on your favorite rapper, Lil’ Wang. Dude talks about going BACK to school. Didn’t Wang sign to Cash Money Records when he was 9yrs old? Dude dropped out of grammar school to become a rapper? So when Wang talks about going BACK to school he is talking about going back into fourth grade or some shit. I can see Wang sitting at the baby desks with all the other fourth graders while he gets them high off Elmer’s glue. Wang got an ‘A’ for his macaroni and glitter portrait of Trina.

Someone on these threads said Wang was in college now. How does a nigga skip all of them grades and still get admitted to college? This is why you can’t trust a degree from any school south of the Mason- Dixon line. Niggas get admitted to college just on the strength of there being nothing else to do but hang out in parking lots. You can’t tell me Wang has completed the accreditation required to enter a college. How convenient for him that all paper records in New Orleans were washed away when that Black bitch of a hurricane came to town.

Okay, so fine, Wang goes to the University of Houston or some shit. The reason he choose the U of H instead of Tulane or LSU was because (his words) he likes to hang out a lot in Houston. I suppose I shouldn’t knock him too much for this since it is kind of futuristic to go to a college close to where you cop your weed from. Why make your weedcarrier cross state lines when you can just set up shop in his town? I did find it odd that Lil’ Wang tells us in the King magazine that going back to school has helped him add a swagger to his wardrobe.

King Mag – “Wang, what did you learn in school?”
Wang – “That Baby loves me when I wear tight t-shirts”
King Mag – “Anything else?”
Wang – “Yeah. Baby loves me when I don’t wear no t-shirts.”

I don’t think it’s simply enough for a rapper to go to school in order for that act to influence younger people. If a rapper says he went to school because that is where all the people are that wear $300 dollar jeans it still rings hollow and it won’t be enough to make someone stay in school.

We can assume that Young Money’s number one representative isn’t going to school to make more money. He may be going to college now to help himself become a more complete person. Why doesn’t he think his audience deserves raps about self-empowerment and the journey to enlightenment. Not through narcotics, but through a focused work ethic and studying. If you’re a Lil’ Wang stayne you deserve more than what you have been given. The question is whether or not you know that.

Master P’s son is just now going to college?!? Do you remember the rap feud that Lil’ Romeo had with Lil’ Bow Wow? I though these lil’ jigs were the same age. It turns out that Lil’ Bow Wow is damn near thirty. I think he has that shit with his kidneys that homeboy from the television show ‘Webster’ had. I’m embarrassed now for Bow Wow that he has been messing around with all these underage chicks and his ass was old enough to be their father. You know Jermaine Dupri is like sixty years old right? Homeboy sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber that NASA built especially for Dracula. Tell me when you have ever seen Jermaine out during sunlight? Exactly.

Although Lil’ Romeo will get to play ball alongside O.J. Mayo[ll], I may have to give the back to School trend edge to my nemesis Lil’ Wang. I think he and Karinne Steffans are sharing an off campus apartment together while they major in Psychology.

‘Supermanning that ho’ on Superhead > carrying weed for the next ‘Half Man, Half Amazing’

SNAKE PLISSKEN > JOHN RAMBO…

Monday, November 26th, 2007

efny

I stayed up late last night watching one of the greatest cinematic classics featuring a futuristic dystopia. ‘Escape From New York’ was a campy cult action movie when it first dropped. It was directed by JOHN CARPENTER whose claim to fame was the thriller ‘Halloween’.

In this film CARPENTER tells the story of a famous war hero turned criminal named Snake Plisken who is sent onto the prison colony of Manhattan island to rescue the president of the United States. In a scene that is so eerily omniscient of September 11th, 2001 the president’s plane has been hijacked and crashed into a skyscraper by nuclear arms anti-proliferation terrorists. Just prior to the crash the president is evacuated from the plane via an indestructible pod. Once the pod has landed the president is captured by the gang leader who runs the prison colony, the Duke of New York.

‘Escape From New York’ is fun and farcical. The movie was made in 1980 and they imagined that twenty years in the future we would still be using cassette tapes for audio recordings. The cellular phones and short wave radios were all fucking ginormous and even the government computers in the future had advanced little farther than the ENIAC machines of our grandparent’s recollection.

Despite the look of the movie being hokey and remarkably low budget for even an early 80’s flick this shit is one of my favorite joints of all time. First of all, JOHN CARPENTER is one of the GOAT filmmakers along with KUBRICK, LUCAS, SPIELBERG and my nigga JOHN STAGLIANO (peep the Buttman in Budapest series).

Secondly, this movie has a lineup of sick ass actors. KURT RUSSELL plays the lead role of Snake Plisken. FYI, RUSSELL is one of the best B movie actors in the game. He’s elevated B movies to A- minus status.

Black Moses makes an appearance as well. Before ISAAC HAYES assumed the role of the chef on South Park he played the fuck out of the Duke of New York.

When we were going all 1980’s teen wood crazy I neglected to mention my brunette babysitter ADRIENNE BARBIEU. She’s up in this piece with the tittays just as big and beautiful as ever. Wait until you see how ol’ girl gets merc’ked by the Duke. She literally has her wig peeled. This is a JOHN CARPENTER joint so you know he has to put a little something gruesome into his flicks. Just like I have to talk about sneakers and doodee.

The third important factor I love about this film was CARPENTER’s attention to NYC details. He captured a nice feel for some of New York’s long gone landmarks. Namely the Twin Towers and the old Madison Square Garden that was up by Lincoln Center.

Lastly, CARPENTER killed shit with his funky theme song. You can’t tell me this shit ain’t hardbody.

‘Escape From New York’ title track

Has anyone sampled this shit already? My nigga JOELL ORTIZ needs to get up on that joint and spit some escape from New York firestarter lyrics. And you need to NetFlix ‘Escape From New York’ so you have some good shit to hold you down on a wind-chilled weeknight.

I’ll send my DVD copy to the first person who tells me the real name of the actor who played the taxi dude that drives Snake around NYC.

efny

DP Dot Com And The Magic Doo Doo Blanket…

Sunday, November 25th, 2007

feces

Reese’s feces

I know you’ve all been missing the DP Dot Com scatological musings. I have too. Today’s shitty talk will actually benefit you, the reader, because I will discuss a fantastic technique for the removal of feces from your water closet, or as they are popularly termed – toilet bowl.

The American diet consists of such a variety of foodstuffs that most of our waste is typically texturally inconsistent. Solid ropes of excrement are few and far between for many Americans and the fetid remains can be seen clinging to the walls of their water closets.

How do you insure that the shit you take, er, leave, exits your commode accomodations entirely after you flush? The magic doo doo blanket is the answer to that question.

The magic doo doo blanket is neither magic, nor is it an actual blanket per se. Instead it is simply a few plys of domestic toilet paper laid along the wall of your toilet where you imagine that your fecal deposit will land. The toilet paper acts as a lining that then transports your waste from the toilet upon release of the flush handle.

feces

Witness how unencumbered the sides of the DP Dot Com toilet are. Also peep the partial cherry skin in the center. Those cherries were good that day, but that shit was even more refreshing.

Thanks to the magic doo doo blanket the image of my cherry skin-laden shit log is only a memory, as it should be. Bring the fun back into number two’s with a magic doo doo blanket. You know you want to.

MAKE ‘EM – MAKE ‘EM CLAP TO THIS…

Sunday, November 25th, 2007

ewww

I know we talk all kinds of wild shit on this side of the street, but we do that with a sense of responsibility for ourselves. Don’t think that when I run up in STAR JONES I won’t be wearing a condom. And a SWAT team flack jacket. And a face mask. And a HAZMAT suit. Shit is really real in the field.

1 million chlamydia cases in U.S. sets record

Holy shit party people, the clap just went platinum! I can see some greedy t.I. motherfucker from Universal Music Group trying to sigh syphillis now and give gonorrhea a label deal. AIDS? Not so much.

Don’t take my word for it, but when you fucks around with some janky trim without a jimmy cap on, afterwards your ass might have to go see the doctor. – © Kool Moe Dee