Archive for the ‘Sports are Gay’ Category

BILLY SUNDAY Says Pink Hats Are For Broads

Friday, June 2nd, 2006

Summertime almost snuck up on us without me giving you the official dallaspenn.com fitted hat lineup for the season. If you can still afford the prices of these caps then peep some of my choices for the summers’ most ubiquitous B-boy accessory.

Speaking of ubiquitous…
evil empire

Love ‘em or hate ‘em you have to respect the gangsta of the MLB’s evil empire. The only one you should own is the classic though. A pink Yankees fitted should only be worn by members of the camouflage lingerie mafia.

spankees

Otherwise known as DipSet.

The Sneaker Fiends M.V.P. this season will be the all-black Giants chapeau. The 3-D ‘SF’ on the front should become the logo for sneaker fiends across America. No orange button on the crown if you can find one that exclusive.

sneaker fiend

Another classic that stays fresh in the streets is the St.Louis joint. The best part is that you can rock this joint Blood or Crip style too.

redbirds

bluebirds

I am partial to wearing a Tribe hat because I always dug ATCQ’s jazzy sound and I got some in’jun in my family genes. Just think, one day when the African American population is decimated from disease, drugs and alcohol maybe we can get our own hat too.

in'juns

Well what do you know?!? We already got one. Woo hoo! Go Niggros!

chattanooga lookouts

I am in a New York state of mind this summer so I will definitely copp one of these Met I.T.’s. Being the boss of the National League East should have some benefits.

mets

The most important thing to remember about your fitted cap is that it should fit. If you can still shove another skull inside of your cap then your hat isn’t ‘fitted’. It is actually a bonnet.

GET OFF ME BALL!

Monday, May 29th, 2006

barry bonds

For one day in your life…

Don’t hate. Celebrate. Bitches.

SECRET LIVES of GHETTO CELEBS

Thursday, May 25th, 2006

sugar

BILLY SUNDAY always told me, “Do not trust a Black man with no moustache.

sugarsweet

FINALS FOUR The ASSOCIATION

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

dirk

The NBA season has arrived at its final four teams and lo and behold, Dallas is in the mix. This could be a banner year for everything named Dallas. TERRELL OWENS is in Irving, Texas. Reruns of LARRY HAGMAN, a young VICTORIA PRINCIPAL, and an even younger CHARLENE TILTON are in heavy rotation on T.V. Land. Most of all, yours truly is on a hemp smoothie diet. Get ready to hear the name DALLAS a lot this year.

I have been waiting a minute too for the Mavericks to get their shit together. It’s not like they haven’t had players. They were pretty decent when JASON KIDD, JIM JACKSON and JAMAL MASHBURN were their big three. The rumor about why they couldn’t get along was because JIMMY JACK stole TONI BRAXTON away from MASH.

tightpantstarp

I was down with the Mavs way before then. Back when they had ROLANDO BLACKMAN, DEREK HARPER, MARK AGUIRRE and my main stain ROY TARPLEY. They even had DETLEF SCHREMPF coming off the bench to give you that clutch white boy three point shooting. The Mavs could fill up a hole with the quickness(no B.B.). Them fools used to run and gun in their tight pants like nobody. The only problem was that the Western Conference of the 1980’s was pwned by the Lakers. The Mavericks could beat anybody in the league except for Showtime.

ro black

This year’s team is different from every other Dallas roster because they play some defense. Not a Detroit defense, but they don’t give away easy points or second shots and in the wild Western Conference that might as well be a Detroit defense. I also like the fact that this Dallas team kept alive the tradition of having a bunch of scorers whose names begin with ‘J’. JASON, JERRY and JOSH should be the reasons why the Suns set in the west.

And the Mavs have a selection of whores cheerleaders who have holes that need filling too.

who are

NEW YORK YANKEES = CHOKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Monday, May 22nd, 2006

DEREK likes double plays

QUEENS STAND UP! Queens, New York that is.

How sweet is it that the Mets ate the Yankees food this weekend? The Mets should have swept them fags too, but BILLY WAGNER wasn’t built for the bigtime.

“Hey BILLY, your’e not in Kansas anymore you half-a-homo. Get a fuckin’ out bitch!”

Yeah, I have my heckling already in midseason form and I haven’t even been to a game yet. By the buy, I still have a few ‘VOTE FOR PEDRO’ shirts left to hustle. Don’t make ZILLZ buy them all.

You knew the Yanks were fudges anyhoo because STEINBRENNER makes them shave their moustaches before they give him oral. Now YouTube has put their story on Front Street.



In other gaysball news BARRY BONDS a/k/a B.D.B. has tied the all time home run record of America’s most beloved undercover octaroon, BABE RUTH.

for dad

The new controversy is that BARRY doesn’t want to sign the baseball since the fan doesn’t want to give it back to him. How teh ghey is all of this ‘ball signing’ nonsense? And how completely teh ghey is the cottage industry that regulates the value of signed balls?!? Every year these homos determine how much the balls of a famous athlete should cost. One year it’s out of the roof and then the next year it’s meh.

I hope that none of your children get hooked into the memorabilia collecting rackets. You can never resell for the book value any of the gay items that you’ve paid a king’s ransom for. The dealers have shitloads of this crap and they prey on the emo sentimentality of kids’ parents. If you want something of value from BARRY BONDS’ career you should find one of his used syringes.

TODD McFARLANE has already bought all of MARK McGUIRE’s dirty needles off eBay.