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Quoth the Raven, Nevermore…

Monday, January 12th, 2009

flacco

I have learned over the last several years that I should never bet against either the Ravens or the Eagles. I just need to to leave those teams alone forevermore (no EDGAR ALLEN POE).

The interesting note about the Ravens vs. Titans tilt is that the game was actually won in favor of the Titans defense in statistics only. The Titans gained more yards, secured more first downs and held the ball longer than the Ravens. Unfortunately for the Titans, the Ravens still managed to score more points. The bend but doesn’t break defense lives to play another game.

Really Carolina, KURT WARNER?!? This isn’t 1999. Or is it? Damn you CHERICA ADAMS. The ghost of RAE CARRUTH’s dead baby moms and stillborn fetus continues to shit on the post season dreams of the Carolina Panthers.

What happened to BRANDON JACOBS? He couldn’t get it done when it mattered. He should shoot himself with PLAXICO’s pistol.

The Steelers look like they are so ’bout it right now. How about that? An all Penn state Super Bowl is possible. I think I see CANDICE doing a two-step.

titans DP = 144pts
QB – Donovan McNabb = 23pts
RB – Chris Johnson = 16pts
WR – Hines Ward = 7pts
TE – Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX- Steve Smith = 10pts
K- David Akers = 11pts
D/ST- Tennessee = 0pts

steelers Big Homie = 175pts
QB – Donovan McNabb = 23pts
RB – Le’Ron McClain = 1pt
WR – Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE – Kevin Boss = 5pts
FLEX- Steve Smith – 10pts
K- David Akers = 11pts
D/ST- Steelers = 11pts

ravens Big Rils = 122pts
WR – Santonio Holmes = 8pts
WR – Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE – Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX – DeAngelo Williams = 6pts
D/ST – Baltimore = 5pts

steelers Dirty Jerz = 95pts
QB – Joe Flacco = 14pts
RB – Willie Parker = 26pts
RB – Brian Westbrook = 4pts
FLEX – DeAngelo Williams = 6pts
K – Jeff Reed = 5pts
D/ST – Steelers = 11pts

giants Fresh2Def = 141pts
WR-Steve Smith = 10pts
WR-Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE-Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
D/ST-Giants = 4pts

ravens LM = 126pts
QB-Philip Rivers = 33pts
RB-Chris Johnson = 16pts
RB-Derrick Ward = 7pts
WR-Hines Ward = 7pts
TE-Todd Heap = 2pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
K-John Kasay = 1pts
D/ST-Ravens = 5pts

ravens King Blair = 158pts
WR-Steve Smith = 10pts
WR-Larry Fitzgerald = 22pts
TE-Antonio Gates = 5pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
D/ST-Ravens = 5pts

steelers Bert = 132pts
RB – Brian Westbrook = 4pts
WR – Hines Ward = 7pts
TE – Kevin Boss = 5pts
FLEX – Chris Johnson = 16pts
K – Matt Stover = 7pts
D/ST – Steelers = 11pts

titans BigNat = 68pts
QB- Eli Manning = 8pts
RB- Chris Johnson = 16pts
WR- Steve Smith = 10pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 4pts
K- Rob Bironas = 4pts
D/ST- Titans = 0pts

Posted in Fanboy Ish, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Sports are Gay | 5 Comments »

The Association’s Most Viable Propaganda

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

cavs celts

I’m not totally convinced that LeBRON JAMES is ready to be the Association’s Most Valuable Player just yet. I’m not one of those dudes that jumps out of the window during the NBA pre-season i.e. the first 41 games. Let’s take it easy and see who has the best second half. This is when the champs show up. I can’t get serious about basketball until after the Super Bowl. I just can’t.

So why did I find myself at the Mudville 9 Saloon on Chambers Street this past Friday watching the hapless Nets fall to the Bucks who have my favorite name for all sports teams. My only complaint is that the Bucks logo doesn’t remark currency as opposed to some forest animal.

bucks

The feature game in Mudville that night was the Cleveland vs. Boston matchup. At first I thought the game was in Beantown since the Celtics were wearing their tighty whiteys. The game was actually being hosted by Cleveland but I suppose they had some new uni’s to merchandise so therefore the hometeam wore dark colors. Who can follow how many different jerseys your favorite team wears anymore? The NBA is more egregious of this offense than any professional sports league. Combine the look of these retarded uni’s with all the foreign players and I think that I’m sometimes watching a scrimmage between DKV Joventut and Maccabi Electra.

So everyone was talking about this game all week, and by everyone I mean KENNY from Kenny’s Kitchen who held my ears hostage this week about the shortcomings of ALLEN IVERSON, the injury prone TRACY McGRADY and the emergence of LeBRON JAMES. I’m not gonna lie when I tell you that I can’t understand 90% of what KENNY says but I clearly know when he is talking about MING YAO, KOBE BRYANT and LeBRON JAMES.

If a recent immigrant thinks LeBRON JAMES is the truth who am I to argue? The problem is that everyone who comes to America knows KOBE and LeBRON. Blame that fact on the global muscle of Nike. These athletes represent our country inside of Asia. Not politicians, or even movie stars for that matter, but athletes for whom the athletic footwear and apparel industry use as their lynchpin marketers. Do you know how much money Nike invests in KOBE and LeBRON in the research and development departments alone?

So I’m not surprised that LeBRON is off to a tremendous start for this campaign in the ’08-’09 Association season. I’m still wondering if he will he be able to finish off like he did on Friday with thunderous dunks and laser sharp jump shots if he is going to be the only star on Cleveland’s squad? I don’t doubt that LeBRON is a major talent, and for that matter a monster pitchman, its just that I am holding on to my hyperbole until I have the chance to bear WITNESS.

BTW, these prototypes are the hype…

LeBron 6's

Posted in Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Sneaker Fiends United, Sports are Gay, The Association, Wig Owners | 4 Comments »

PLAYING IT OFF…

Sunday, January 4th, 2009

a gates

I was thinking more fools would sign up for this playoff pool when the word got out that I gift folks pretty decent for fuxing with my site. I guess the winners of the football pool weren’t too happy with their prizes. Maybe I needed to add more postage in order to get them to spread the word. I’m not referring to LM however. He joins every pool we run and he wins most of them. I’d ban him from playing for being too good, but since he actually pays the bandwidth and domain registration fees for this site without me ever asking him I treats the brother first class.

Plus…

LM reads the rules of the pools. Some of y’all jump out the window like y’all are Ron Browz. Don’t be Ron Browz. Don’t be a bad rapper. Be a good rapper like NaS. Read the rules to the playoff pool. If you have two(2) or more players from the same team I won’t disqualify you but I will delete the players on your team that are ineligible. I’ve tallied the NFL Wildcard round DP Playoff Pool scores. Here’s the breakown…

titans DP = 72pts
QB – Donovan McNabb = 21pts
RB – Michael Turner = 10pts
RB – Chris Johnson
WR – Hines Ward
WR – Reggie Wayne = 18pts
TE – Antonio Gates = 8pts
FLEX- Steve Smith
K- David Akers – 14pts
D/ST- Tennessee

steelers Big Homie = 94pts
QB – Donovan McNabb = 21pts
RB – Adrian Peterson = 20pts
RB – Le’Ron McClain = 13pts
WR – Larry Fitzgerald = 16pts
WR – Michael Turner = 10pts
TE – Kevin Boss
FLEX- Steve Smith
K- David Akers = 14pts
D/ST- Steelers

ravens Big Rils = 76pts
QB – Peyton Manning = 21pts
RB – Michael Turner = 10pts
WR – Santonio Holmes
WR – Larry Fitzgerald = 16pts
TE – Antonio Gates = 8pts
FLEX – DeAngelo Williams
K – Adam Vinatieri = 5pts
D/ST – Baltimore = 16pts

steelers Dirty Jerz = 29pts
QB – Joe Flacco = 6pts
RB – Willie Parker
RB – Brian Westbrook = 18pts
WR – Bobby Wade = 2pts
TE – Dallas Clark = 3pts
FLEX – DeAngelo Williams
K – Jeff Reed
D/ST – Steelers

giants Fresh2Def = 96pts
QB-Peyton Manning = 21pts
RB-Adrian Peterson = 20pts
RB-Michael Turner = 10pts
WR-Steve Smith
WR-Larry Fitzgerald = 16pts
TE-Antonio Gates = 8pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 18pts
K-Dan Carpenter = 3pts
D/ST-Giants

ravens LM = 51pts
QB-Philip Rivers = 10pts
RB-Chris Johnson
RB-Derrick Ward
WR-Hines Ward
WR-Roddy White = 14pts
TE-Todd Heap = 3pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 18pts
K-John Kasay
D/ST-Ravens = 16pts

ravens King Blair = 112pts
QB- Peyton Manning = 21pts
RB-Adrian Peterson = 20pts
RB- Michael Turner = 10pts
WR-Steve Smith
WR-Larry Fitzgerald = 16pts
TE-Antonio Gates = 8pts
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 18pts
K-Dan Carpenter = 3pts
D/ST-Ravens = 16pts

steelers Bert = 82pts
QB – Peyton Manning = 21pts
RB – Brian Westbrook = 18pts
RB – Adrian Peterson – 20pts
WR – Roddy White = 14pts
WR – Hines Ward
TE – Kevin Boss
FLEX – Chris Johnson
K – Matt Stover = 9pts
D/ST – Steelers

titans BigNat = 36pts
QB- Eli Manning
RB- Chris Johnson
WR- Reggie Wanye = 18pts
WR- Steve Smith
FLEX- Brian Westbrook = 18pts
K- Rob Bironas
D/ST- Titans

Posted in No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Sneaker Fiends United, Sports are Gay, Straight Laced, The Addict | 12 Comments »

Not For Long: Cornbread, Earl & Me

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

earl

Why don’t people don’t name their kids Earl anymore? Or even Jamal? Everything is now Brandon, or Justin. When I was volunteering as a little league coach I used to have to add a description to the names of kids so that I would remember who the hell they were. “Lazy eye” Brandon vs. “McNugget head” Brandon, or “Special Ed” Justin vs. “Whore mother” Justin. If I have a daughter with Chocolate Snowflake I will name her Earl. Not even short for Earlene or some shit, just Earl.

The name Earl came to mind when some folks were talking to me about the New York Giants bruising running back Brandon Jacobs. By the time the fourth quarter rolls around no one wants any part of that dude. The real reason is that the Giants O-line is beating the crap out of people. Brandon Jacobs is a big dude, but he is far from spectacular. When I think of the greatest oversized running backs I reminisce on cats like Christian Okoye who used to put in work and the man of all oversized running backs, Earl Campbell.

earl

Earl could beat the shit out of you AND outrun you. Secondary defensemen wanted NO parts of Earl Campbell evar. He was laying fools out with the forearm shiver or whenever he dipped his shoulder.

So all you folks that think a dude named Brandon is so effin’ special you might should need to sit your ho asses down right quick. That is Texas Longhorn speak for respect Earl Campbell and all of his rushing titles and MVP awards.

The 2009 DP Dot Com NFL Playoff Pool

Okay, so here are the parameters a.k.a. the rules and shit, for the DP Dot Com NFL playoff pool.

You can only pick one(1) offensive player per team. So if you chose D’Angelo Hall as your RB you can NOT select Steve Smith as a WR. Take your time and use strategy when assembling your team. You will only get points when your player plays so be careful of the 1st round byes and teams you think will only play one game. Your team must consist of…

PLAYERS
1 QB
2 RB
2 WR
1 TE
1 FLEX(could be a running back, wide receiver, or tight end)
1 Kicker
1 Defense/Special Teams

SCORING
6 pts- TD Rushing, Receiving, Passing
6 pts- Defensive TD, Kickoff Return/Punt Return for a TD
6 pts- Defensive Shutout
3 pts- Field Goals
3 pts- Defense holds opponent to 9 points or less
2 pts- Defensive safety
2 pts- Two point conversion (Rushing, Receiving, Passing)
1 pt- Every 10 yards Receiving, Rushing
1 pt- Every 20 yards Passing
1 pt- Defensive sack, interception, fumble recovery
1 pt- Kicking extra point
0 pts- Any yardage on punt/kickoff returns

* If a punt or kickoff is returned for a TD the D/ST gets 6 points and if you have a guy like Mark Jones as one of your WR’s he will also be credited with 6 pts if he ran it back. So in that scenario the Titans D & Jones will be credited 6 pts.
* RB has 73 rushing yards and 10 receiving yards(total yards = 83) he will be credited 8 pts.
* If a QB has 200 passing yards -1 rushing(total yards = 199), he will be credited 9 pts. If he has 199 passing yards + 1 rushing(total yards = 200), he will be credited 10
*This is NOT for just the first round, but the ENTIRE playoffs so once your player is out you cant pick up another you have to play a man or two or three down.

Here’s what my squad looks like…

QB – Donovan McNabb
RB – Michael Turner
RB – Chris Johnson
WR – Hines Ward
WR – Reggie Wayne
TE – Antonio Gates
FLEX- Steve Smith
K- David Akers
D/ST- Tennessee

Submit only one(1) playoff roster. If you are having a difficult time figuring out how to put your roster together then you might should hold off effin’ with this pool until you can get some time on your hands to smnack yourself in the head with a baseball bat. I will not accept roster revisions so wait until the last minute to make your choices.

Posted in Black Bullshit, cRap Fantasy League, Fanboy Ish, Ho Sit Down!, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Sports are Gay, The Association, When I Reminisce... | 22 Comments »

Smarten Up Gaza…

Monday, December 29th, 2008

gaza 2008

Israel has spent enough time fucking around with the Palestinians already. If this were back in the days America then the Palestinians would already have been given their free winter blankets laden with smallpox. If Israel were as serious about supremacy as they pretend to be they would have been kidnapping Palestinian children like the Australians do to the aborigine. Memo from Tel Aviv: the time for bullshitting is over with.

The sooner Israel does their Khmer Rogue impression the sooner the handful of Palestinians left can transform their image in the same way the native Americans did. You may not remember that after the native Americans realized that the Euro settlers weren’t just on holiday all shit broke fool. The native American nations were labeled terrorist organizations and the colonial government got on that shoot to kill shit they pull out when a land grab is on.

The native Americans lacked the coordination and the overall hardware to fucks with the colonials. It didn’t take too long before they were overwhelmed with technology and brute force. No one can withstand that combination. That’s like chasing crystal meth with Hennessy and Red Bull. But just for good measure the native Americans were smacked up with some wicked biological warfare to make sure they knew their place.

This is how Israel will have to deal with the Palestinians once and for all. The settlers are just like the colonists. They like the land and they ain’t gonna leave it. Technology and brute strength will insure that the settlers stay in place. This scenario has been repeated ad nauseam throughout human history. Find a Carthagenean if you can and ask him how Rome did their thing. The sooner Israel satisfies their genocidal tendencies the sooner the Palestinians will have the chance to live prosperously. Those that are left, you know, ABBAS and a few of his friends.

Look at the native Americans and all the benefits they have now because they only exist primarily in museums. There is the Mohegan Sun and countless other “Injun” themed gambling resorts. The native Americans have also been immortalized throughout the institutions of higher learning and professional sports as the mascot of choice. If the Palestinians would just hurry the fuck up and die I don’t see why we couldn’t swap our beloved Chief Wahoo for a Sheik Abu.

Smarten up Gaza.

wahoo

Posted in Black Bullshit, Harpers Weekly Review, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Social Upheaval, Sports are Gay, When I Reminisce..., white, Wig Owners | 13 Comments »

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