Archive for the ‘C.R.E.A.M.’ Category

JAY-Z: The Capitalist’s Manifesto…

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

jigger

I’m no fan of JAY-Z in the least bit, but I peeped NAH’RIGHT the other night and he posted some JAY-Z lyrics to one of his upcoming songs/freestyles from the new album and I admit that I enjoyed the theme. What more can I say? There is a reason why dude is so popular and that’s because he can transfer to his audience the fact that he loves what he does professionally. Most of the time.

A couple of weekends ago there was a ton of noise made from the not so secret leak of his new album’s first single. The single ‘Show Me What You Got’ has been made into several videos up to this point ad is pretty much fading from our memory as we await the leaks of more singles and videos. I wonder why the administration over at Universal was so disturbed by the public preview of JAY-Z’s new works. Leaks in the record business amount to nothing more than movie previews or press releases with music in the background. JAY-Z is just about the only sure thing left in the soundscape for recording artists and these previews were great P.R. events that wetted the public’s appetite. What was the problem here?

I think the problem that has arisen is that you folks on the internets are gaining too much knowledge (read: power) as consumers. It’s not just you geeks with your turbocharged PC’s downloading the new shiite, it’s all the other kids that we share our information with via XXL online, MySpace, FaceBook, AIM and BlackPlanet (yeah, I still use BlackPlanet – F.U.). No record label can slip any bullhit past us and this is what has them scared. They can’t try to sell us some shit that has sat in the can for 3 months any longer because we demand that next, next new. To his credit, JAY-Z understands how fickle we are as consumers and he constructs his image around being that dude with the access to the exclusive shiite. That means name dropping all kinds of obscure designers and products.

Maybe that’s why I love his latest move as Budweiser pitchman so much. I can afford a six pack of Bud Select on my blogger’s salary ($0 per year before taxes). I’ll never forget the day i was shopping on Fulton Street across from Albee Square Mall several years ago. From one of the sidewalk speakers the song Jigga, My Nigga’ blared as pedestrians walked the block. This sister was walking with her son holding her hand and dude couldn’t have been older than five or six years old and he was singing the chorus to that song which almost sounds like a nursery rhyme. Right then I realized that we were on the express bus to Hell in a handbasket.

Albeit, a Hermes handbasket.

ROC-A-FELLA y’all.

Most Rappers Simply Die Tryin’…

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

tkc

Editor’s note: To conclude DP dot com’s first evah guest blogger week I return to my new old friend, TONY’s KANSAS CITY. His insightful and pointed wit is why I enjoy reading the news on his blogsite, even if it’s about Kansas City. A town that didn’t even get any money in the go-go BILL CLINTON era. So even though Kansas City is a one horse town, and that one horse is blind with a screw in it’s ankle, TONY captures the truth of his city’s disenfranchisement as it is a microcosm for any mega-urban centre. TONY studies the details, and those are the techniques that make for the best economists, painters and writers. Sit back and enjoy a little bit of TKC truth aptly titled…

MOST RAPPERS SIMPLY DIE TRYIN’
While it’s true that cRap music has made Russell Simmons rich so that he can send alimony checks to that bitch ass Kimora, I think Janet Jackson and her publicly flaunted right titty said it best when they asked the following: “What have you done for me lately?”

Put simply, if you aren’t already a rap music mogul but you’ve listened to Hip-Hop your whole life then odds are you’ve given what amounts to thousands of dollars to make sure that P. Diddy can eat oysters with Condoleeza Rice and Kevin Federline with only the benefit of a handful of decent singles and a few recycled riffs from the 70’s as your compensation.

What’s more, we all know that there is very little room at the top of the rap game and public acclaim for today’s top selling artist could change faster than a failing U.S. military strategy in Iraq.

To make this situation even more depressing than old photos of Biggie at a salad bar, you must realize that all across the country there are people known as “local rappers” (ugh) who never learned that almost everything on TV is fake. These poor kids have Hip-Hop dreams and most of them are doomed to fail… While that doesn’t make them any different than most of the population and their failed dreams; cRap music has a whole different level of disappointment that it brings to the table to crush the spirit of those who want to make a living increasing the profit margins of multi-national media corporations and thereby supporting Summer Redstone’s lazy ass kids.

To wit, let’s take a quick look at those people who never sold enough records to be has beens. Yep, it’s hard to believe that the “never-was” category in terms of Hip-Hop contains so many violent deaths. It’s almost interesting in comparison to failed professional athletes who generally leave nothing more than bastard babies in their wake and usually land on their feet with a coaching job at some po’dunk high school.

The first minor league rapper in recent memory whose greatest hit was the one contracted on him was almost certainly Mac Dre. Poor guy had a decent following until he was repeatedly capped in Kansas City over dumbass gang violence that rap fans aren’t allowed to snitch on or hear about in any other place but Hip-Hop message boards, hints in cRap magazine articles and new mixtapes. I only listen to yacht rock so most of this garbage doesn’t concern me but I find it a far cry from country music hopefuls (I’m from Kansas City) who primarily destroy their own livers if fame doesn’t whisk them away to fantastic heights. Additionally, I think the whole rap feud phenomenon deserves a closer look because obviously in-fighting and cattiness exists in almost every field of expression but only the corrupt and stereotypical culture of present day Hip-Hop celebrates it with such enthusiasm especially when it goes nuclear. There’s got to be a reason other than simply blaming Black people… Even though I guess that’s probably good enough. But I digress.

KC Rapper Fat Tone was killed in Vegas last year in what many people suspected was retribution for Mac Dre’s death even though Tone was never implicated in the shooting.

Also, let’s not forget Proof getting peeled off the streets of Detroit far away from anywhere someone would consider an epicenter of cRap music distribution. I know, I know there is a thriving Hip-Hop community of cRappers in Detroit, most of whom have a better shot at playing for the Pistons.

And that’s basically my point: There is a significant number of people in this country who are literally dying to be a part of the rap game but instead end up as tragic footnotes. I wonder if someday, someone will find a way to memorialize them. I suggest something along the lines of baseball cards only instead of gum you get a voucher toward a bullet proof vest.

tkc hammer

Finally, to further illustrate the ridiculous levels of violence in the Hip-Hop community I’d like to point you toward the recent case of a rapper in Lawrence, Kansas (that’s right) who was recently killed. Lawrence is a college town and other than the occasional date rape there isn’t much excitement in the sleepy hideaway for privileged white kids. But reality always has a scary way of creeping into the most elaborate of fantasy worlds. Word to 9-11. And now a great many Lawrence rap fans (that phrase makes me want to laugh too) have been confronted with the scary notion that the larger Hip-Hop community is familiar with as well: There are legions of Rappers who are literally dying to entertain the masses. And in the end, while it ain’t exactly Halliburton and KBR… I have to think that any moderately educated Hip-Hop fan might see this situation as eerily similar to the “culture of death” that was noted by Pope John Paul II who, as you probably know, was a huge fan of breakdancing.

5 DAYS UNTIL ‘KINGDOM COME’…

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

rocafella

Show that nigga DAME DASH some respect for creating the JAY-Z character based on that hustler from Harlem World called A.Z.

Just because DAME DASH is a cultural hustler and a parasite to the community doesn’t mean that we can’t recognize how well he formed the ROC-A-FELLA brand based on a stable of artists anchored by JAY-Z.

By the way, is there still a ROC-A-FELLA brand?!?

That’s Ms. Dewey To You!

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

nookie

Editor’s note: We finally get to hear from the person responsible for building this website. JACQUI HERNANDEZ is one of my closest and most trusted friends. She rode with me when I went to attack ESSENCE for perpetuating racism. We both knew how lucky we were that we made it out of their building alive. JACQUI understands all the nuts and bolts stuff about computers, but she also understands that computers are tools like hammers and shovels. Some of us will use them to dig through dirt and unearth truth and some of us will use them to get our virtual bang on. Whatever is clever with JACQUI and we’re lucky whenever she stops by to help us clean up our hard drive.

janina

Hey DP,

I know you’ve been after me for a minute to do more than enjoy the slap of usb cables ’round my ankles, so I figured I’d drop this by your way.

Check this chica out:

www.msdewey.com

She’s a sassy, non-Mexican broad who manages to be both funny and sharp. I snorted with laughter at her response when I put your name on blast. And though she’s got plenty of snark to go around (type “soccer” in the search field), you still want to know what she’s wearing on her feet.

Personally, I found her most amusing when I typed “blowjob” in the search function. Homegirl informed me it was illegal in 33 states to even think such a thing BUT when I typed “cunnilingus” she reeled me in, whipped out her riding crop and with a knowing eyebrow [thwack] noted that it is in a girl’s best interest [thwack] to always be prepared. [Thwack.]

Ms. Dewey is apparently gunning for JLo, circa 2001.

Naturally, nothing this delicious comes without strings. Turns out Ms. Dewey is actually linkbait to trick poor unsuspecting geeks sitting in their parent’s basement, sipping KoolAid through a silly straw, into using Microsoft’s live search engine. It’s part of their global offensive against all things Google in the battle for dominance on the galactic stage known as The Internets. Though she covers for her corporate daddy well (try searching for “white house” or “war”), one can tell she has a clear preference for the Redmond boys in pleated khakis (you know I’m no fan of the Gates empire, but still this made me laugh).

And she’s not even virtual! Which suddenly puts everything in perspective. How advanced can Microsoft product be if it has to rely on a yet another ethnically ambiguous d-list fake lesbian to sell its search engine? I mean come on, she’s not even not real?!??!?

Most probably, Microsoft chose her because she was able to authentically tap into the whole “street vernacular” that’s popular with the kids these days. Must come from growing up near a prison. Who knew that the Hindi rap game was so hard?

In the end, I’m not hating on Ms. Dewey nee Gavankar, ethnically ambiguous though she may be. Frankly, my greatest satisfaction came from figuring out how to stump her cold.

I would tell you how, but then where’s the fun in that? After all, cada menina tem seus segredos, você sabe…

Ciao,
Harry

Time To Snatch A Du-Rag: JAY-Z

Tuesday, October 31st, 2006

jayonce

Editor’s note: The youngest in charge of the blogosphere is 15 year old? wunderkind RODNEY DUGUE. Don’t even ask me where this prodigy has learned so many of life’s lessons without being old enough to buy beer – legally. His initial offering to this site was the visionary theme that du-rags appear to restrict the flow of blood into the brain of the wearers. For DP dot com’s guest blogger week, RD comes back with a follow up that takes some of the air out of the Jiggerman hype machine. Do you know what time it is???

TIME TO SNATCH A DU-RAG: JAY-Z
It was reported that while Jay was fishing for one of Beyonce’s weaves, he discovered his long, lost limited edition Reebok du-rag. I will bet you 50’s du-rag collection and Mark Foley’s kiddy porn empire that Lebron gave him that du-rag right after he finished high school. How do I know? The last time Lebron committed anything more than a personal foul was that time he accepted those mysterious throwback jerseys. Homeboy has been clean like the kicks he gets paid to wear.

But, back to Jay-beer, WTF dude. Seriously, you had us ROC’ing with you, fella. Breaking bread with African kings, dishing out water to the needy, damn negro, I was actually believing the ‘S’ stood for Saint, as in Saint Carter. Mother Theresa was having a party in the heavens. But, then shit started going down, literally. You were living in Danica Patrick’s temple for that whole video shoot and probably contracted that rare STD, general cranium negro-philis. For those of you who haven’t caught on yet, general cranium negro-philis is the direct effect of wearing a du-rag. Jay was exhibiting hyper-symptoms. He had his du-rag tied extra tight when he accepted the position of brand consultant of Anheuser. I know we both look alike, (we’re both black) but damn Jay no matter how you flip it, we ain’t those alien boots known to man as S dot Carters.

Stop trying to sell us out. You’re becoming more and more like that du-rag – dispensable and cheap. You selling us water in one hand and death in the other. NOW, let me understand this, you drop Cristal, but then allegedly partner up with another high-end champagne Arnolds dick-Yuck Armand de Brignac. Negro, you ever drink apple juice? What, you piss out Bacardi? You might as well go back to them hustling days because right now you hustling the Black community like that new black-market drug and the white man is your best customer.

Change clothes Jay, and while you’re at it throw out the du-rag

RD