Archive for the ‘Jig Lit Review’ Category

BILLY SUNDAY’s VALENTINE’s DAY GUIDE FOR BAGGING UP BLACK WOMEN

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

b-fro

It’s a good thing I still get to write here despite my day job over at XXL. If I let DALLAS write about Valentine’s Day it would prah’lee be an ode to white meat. Not that there’s anything wrong with the other white meat, but when I want to really get some good Power U for the holiday I have to get some Black snatch. It’s fraught and filled with all this emotion and intensity, especially when she doesn’t have a strong connection to her father. Emotional Black women are so sexy.

Instead of giving your beautiful Black snatch some flowers or candy this year I suggest you give her a gift that actually gets better with time. A book. One of my friends has reissued a book that I guarantee will pull the panties off your Black poon provider faster than R. KELLY on furlough. The title is called ‘Passion, Pride and Politickin‘ and it speaks to all of the things that Black girls hold most dear. It’s like a manifesto for falling in love with a Black woman and once she reads some of it she will think that you are the most sensitive man on the planet and you are down for her struggle, which is slightly different than your struggle. The Black woman’s struggle is to be ready for the revolution as well as simultaneously being ready to go out for cocktails. Whichever invite comes first.

‘Passion, Pride and Politickin’ isn’t about the revolution that will be fought with weapons, but more about the revolution that comes when women realize their self worth and reclaim control of their bodies, particularly the vagina part that most of us guys like the best. There’s still enough inside the book to prove that a real woman still believes in giving up the head and the poop chute, just don’t be calling her a bitch afterwards. Because that’s just not right. The book is still fun and playful too when the author writes about all of the things that piss us off outside of interpersonal relationships.

The main thing is that you will look like one of those progressive brothers when you give your Black cum cup this book. She will think that you have transformed yourself from being a selfish, lazy, no cunnilingus giving brother into a man that actually wants to hear what’s on her mind. Trust me fellas, there is nothing sexier to a Black woman than a man who can listen to her incessant prattle without killing himself. The book’s super added bonus is that it comes in paperback so you can afford to give it to more than one broad. I’ve got three copies so you know I’m getting lucky this Valentine’s Day.

LIGHTSKINT IS THE NEW BLACK!

Wednesday, February 7th, 2007

al b

I pretend to be a smart guy on the internets, but it’s the readers of this site that are really the smart folks with their antennaes tuned into reality. The big homey 40 DIESEL reminded me what was really at stake during the NFL’s Super Bowl and how a loss by the Colts could have meant another seven years in purgatory for the lightskinned Black man.

The lightskinned Black man has become a dinosaur in recent years, almost extinct and forgotten due to the successes of people like MICHAEL JORDAN, PIDDY, FISTY SCENT and ISAIAH WASHINGTON. If we were ever going to have another chance to lead the Black team we needed someone to break through for us in a big way. No SHEMAR MOORE.

We thought we had TIGER down with us, but then he ups and claims an unknown racial team – Calablanasian?!? Do they even have a basketball squad?

There were tons of lightskinned men defecting from the ranks to join the ‘bi-racial’ team. And I also wondered why nobody claims to be ‘tri-racial’? Oh, yeah that’s right, MARIAH CAREY did once, my badd.

So it was TONY DUNGY versus LOVIE SMITH in the Black Like Me supremacy showdown. House negro versus field negro to determine once and for all if I could mention the name of my hero again. And what do you know? The house negroes got the win. AL B. SURE videos can once again be enjoyed by the masses. Please Blacker people, don’t hate us because we’re lightskint. Hate us because we look better than you.

al b

CHRISTOPHER WILLIAMS IS NOT DEAD!

SEPARATED AT BIRTH: HAT BOYS

Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

camels

Who knew camels liked hats so much?

BEWARE THE DEUNO…

Sunday, February 4th, 2007

d-rear

TECHWHORE stand up! Nullus.

The Deuno is fucked the fuck up because of how it sneaks up on your azz (figuratively and literally). There you are at the urinal taking a nice piss and you feel what amounts to be a gas bubble so you grant permission to your ass to let the gas bubble pass through. Trust me, there is nothing more relaxing than letting one rip while you are releasing a Numero Uno. The only problem is when some sinister shit is brewing (figuratively and literally).

I imagine that the Deuce army has kidnapped a gas bubble and put a gun to it’s head. The Deuce army tells the gas bubble to ring the nerve alarm to let it out and they threaten the gas bubble not to alert the body defense system that they are coming out as well. As the passages are opened the Deuce army rushes out with the gas bubble. Nervous system receptacles detect moisture and materials along with the gas bubble, but unfortunately it’s already too late to prevent some leakage.

New cotton undergarments are required.

For The Love Of Mayhem and Miller…

Monday, January 29th, 2007

the dark knight

In an effort to suck some more money out of the die hard Dark Knight fans DC Comics has released a set of rare artwork from the seminal FRANK MILLER created mini-series ‘The Dark Knight Returns’.

Interest was renewed in the series during the 20th anniversary of its original issue
.

Note to Time/Warner AOL execs… Send me my copy bitches.