Better late than never. I promised my homey Dallas a review of Spiderman #3 last week but got caught up this past weekend. Anyways, here’s the deal:
Sam Raimi is one of my favorite directors ever! Horror films are my favorite genre and Sam blew the hinges off the frame back in the early ’80’s with his “Evil Dead” trilogy (“Evil Dead”, Evil Dead 2″ and “Army Of Darkness”). All of the flicks starred his homie Bruce Campbell who Raimi has continued to use in almost every one of his films. Evil Dead even had mad controversy and was banned in several countries for the fact that the film included a scene in which a chick gets raped by an effin TREE! Yup, you read that right. White stay loving to see their women gets all types of fucked up!
A few years later (1990), Raimi knocks another one out the park with his first foray into the action adventure genre with his instant classic “Darkman”. Every cat in my hood was raving about how gully Darkman was. Yo, if you haven’t peeped any of the above-mentioned flicks, do yourself a favor and Netflix ’em or go kill yerself. A couple of other notable pre-Spiderman Raimi flicks include “The Quick And The Dead” (1995) (a western featuring Sharon Stone) and “The Gift” (2000) starring Cate Blachett which was a creepy as fuck horror joint in the vein of “The Sixth Sense”.
Fast forward to 2002 when dude gets a chance to direct the film version of everyone’s favorite comic book character ever, “Spiderman”. As a life long comic book reader, I have been consistently disappointed with the legion of horrible comic book movies made over the years. Marvel got it right when they first dropped “Blade” (1998) starring Wesley “IRS” Snipes, and it seemed as if things started looking up with regard to the marriage of Hollywierd and Comic book franchises. Anyways, as you all know, Raimi pulled off a miraculous feat with SM. In 2004, the mother fucker had the balls (nullus) to do one even better with “Spiderman 2”. I don’t say this lightly, but I emphatically believe that SM #2 is the best effin comic book movie ever made, bar none.
Friday morning, 12am, Brooklyn NY. Combat Jack, 40 Dawg and Dallas Penn unite to check out the flick that in just a few days will become an effin box office behemoth, “Spiderman 3”. The marketing campaign for this joint is sick, and they had cats all over the globe fiending for a glimpse of Spiderman’s archest enemy of all time: Venom. In addition, we even get to see Peter Parker do his thing in the black suit. After seeing this baby, there are only three words that I can use to describe this piece: Not That Effin Hot (okay, four words).
Pause, don’t… get… it… twisted, I didn’t say SP3 was whack. As a matter of fact, I’d wager that it’s way better than anything dropping in ’07. The Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), a staple character villain from the comic book franchise since the ’60’s is captured perfectly both cgi and actor-wise. The new Green Goblin played by James Franco is meh, but the action sequences between dude and Spidey is some of the BEST SHIT I’VE EVER SEEN!!!! We even get another classic cameo by Bruce Campbell as a French maitre’ d (he played the wrestling announcer in #1 and the snotty theatre usher in #2). The black costume, which is some organic Blob like substance originating from a fallen meteorite that eventually finds it’s way (coincidentally) to Peter Parker is a treat to see, especially since Parker is literally transformed from a geeky White Skinny Jean to an effin OG!!! Peter Parker becomes a Black Man before our eyes, what with him having game with chicks, increased dancing skills (you read that right), an attitude far worse than any West Indian cab driver who’ll ever pick you up, and an improved sense of style in the form of clothes. For real, Peter Parker becomes DeShawn Jamal Parker. Without giving too much away, when Mary Jane gets a lil’ beside herself, DeShawn Parker even gets to put his hands on her all pimplike and proper. Mad props to Ike Turner. Upon realizing that he’s truly becoming a pimp and might even get tempted to further put a shoe on Mary Jane, Parker realizes he’s better off as his true original WSJ self. Everybody wanna be a nigga, but nobody wanna be a nigger!
Enter Venom. Eddie Brock, an up and coming news photographer played by Topher Grace (now that is one eff’d up white boy name) who is real envious of Parker’s success as a Daily Bugle photographer and has no qualms showing that he has hate all up in his blood. Brock eventually discovers Parker’s alter-ego and in a chain of (once again) coincidental events, gets to wear the black costume. Since Brock is a hater, the costume literally transforms him into the monster known as Venom. Although it was a visual treat to finally see Venom on screen, his whole presence in this joint was also … meh. They could have saved dude to be THE sole villain in #4. Oh yes, there will be a number four.
My list of further complaints:
Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) is one fug ugly white chick (Mary Jane is supposed to be the hottest pink toe ever)
Aunt May is mad distracting because her hair game is flawless!!! I mean, I’m not a hair dude like that, but that old chick’s hair was flowing perfectly, all feathery and falling beatifully on her neck (no Eddie Murphy/ Shalomar Atisone Kenneth Seiuli). Beyonce, Kimora Lee Simmons and all dem heffers ain’t got nothing on May!!!
Harry Osborn gets his ass beat and starts crying like a lil’ bitch.
Mary Jane starts crying like a lil’ bitch.
Aunt May starts crying like a lil’ old bitch.
Sandman starts crying like a lil’ bitch with sand up his drawls.
Peter effin’ Parker starts crying like a lil’ bitch.
For a movie that looked like it was going to be the best effin action/adventure joint of all time, it ended up being this real melodramatic bitchfest and tear jerker. I had to check myself several times to make sure I didn’t accidentally walk into a viewing of “The Bridges Of Madison County #2). Plus, because it WAS the midnite showing, Combat Jack found himself digging his nails into his thighs and biting on his inside cheek in order to keep from falling asleep.
As I mentioned, I do believe that there’ll be a fourth installment, but I get the feeling that this is probably Raimi’s last one as director. It’s like a dude that everyone knows has been with a chick, sported her, nutted all over her chin, dissed her and finally leaves her. Spiderman, the film franchise, will always be Raimi’s bitch, but it’s about time he passed it over to someone else. Anyways, I promised my kids I’d see this again with them this upcoming weekend and I will, but unlike “300”, I’m not necessarily hyped about my 2nd viewing. I do recommend you peep SP3 because it really is a good movie, just expect to be amazed and bored, thrilled and let down at the same time. Something like Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album, not whack, but not exactly living up to the level of dude’s prior classics. All in all, Combat Jack gives this baby a three and a half lit blunts out of a possible five.
Sam Raimi, you’re dope and all, but please, save the drama for yer momma!
