Archive for the ‘The Guest Room’ Category

BENAZIR BHUTTO’s Gangster Bitch Chronicles by MAXINE

Tuesday, November 13th, 2007

benazir bhutto

Editor’s note: MAXINE is one of the new voices that will come through and bless us with some drops. Peep homegirl’s game and how she goes in right out of the gate.

What do Benazir Bhutto and Irv Gotti have in common? Money laundering charges. What don’t they have in common? $1.5 Billion and a reality show, can you guess who has what?

Benazir Bhutto is a Pakistani politician and the first elected woman to do a whole bunch of shit you won’t remember by the end of this drop. The “Supreme B,” as I like to call her, has been running shit by way of her associates for a long time, beginning with her father Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, a former premier of Pakistan and founder of the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP), the largest and most influential political party in the whole country.

B’s father was dismissed as Prime Minister in 1975 on charges of corruption and conspiracy to merc’k the father of a political opponent, because of this, he was sentenced to death (by then President Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq) and subsequently hanged Saddam style in 1979. In the aftermath of Papa Bhutto’s execution, B went on to become a leader in exile of the PPP, acting as the direct opposition to anything anti-democracy and thus building trust amongst dipshits, I mean, diplomats in the western world, aka, American diplomats.

In 1988, the PPP (B’s front for power) won the largest bloc of seats in the National Assembly, Bhutto thereby becoming the Prime Minister of Muslim Pakistan (So this really means she didn’t win the election so much as she had her people thug-style their way in, kinda like what Jim Jones and Juelz attempted to do at Chris Brown’s party).

Still looking for those Gotti comparisons? In 1990, B was dismissed on conspiracy and corruption charges and was re-elected in 1993, only to be dismissed again on, you guessed it, conspiracy and corruption charges. This is only the beginning of a career plagued by controversy, corruption, house arrest and other shady shit. I don’t have time to fill in all the blanks for you, and besides, Pakistan could be fucking pine needles and farm animal straw by the time you’re done reading this, but what I’ve come up with is this, Benazir Bhutto has more in common with your favorite rapper/mogul than you may realize. Here are a few common denominators I’ve come up with to start us off…

  • Appointment to a position that some may deem “controversial”
  • An appearance of being “for the people” while really fucking the people
  • A direct incestuous connect to the game, via, some family member, preferably father figure
  • Accusations of corruption and money laundering to further finance some other shitty side project
  • Her friends/weed carriers keep getting killed
  • You with me? Now, who fits the criteria? Let’s start off with some of the usual suspects…

    irving Irv Gotti
    In 2005, Gotti and his brother were accused of laundering drug money through Murder Inc to Kenneth ‘Supreme’ McGriff. There’s speculation that said dollars went to protecting Murder Inc (didn’t Ja get his ass whipped in Queens like 2 summers ago?) and for Supreme’s crew to act as enforcers for Gotti and Co. I actually like the more accepted theory about using that money to kill Curtis ’50Cent’ Jackson but hey, who am I? Both brothers were acquitted of all money laundering charges but suffered blows to both financial stability and street credibility.

    jay Jay-Z
    In 2004 or somewhere around there, Jay accepted the position as President of Def Jam Records, looking to lead the struggling company back to the top. As a part of the deal with Jay, Universal Music Group (read: the motherfuckers who are really running this rap shit) also acquired Roc-a-fella Records and all other ventures under said name, kinda like Bhutto did with the PPP. So alright, I’m not that upset about this particular Carter Administration. I couldn’t really give a fuck about those starving artists over there (I’m a writer okay?), nor do I care about him promoting shitty music over GOOD music (I’ve never owned a Rhianna album and don’t plan on it). What I DO care about is the Brooklyn Nets arena project which could force tons of cats that have been living in Brooklyn for ages out of their homes. Mostly due to gentrification as a result of the luxury motherfucking condo’s coming into the borough. Fuck you Bruce Ratner, I don’t believe you, you need more people, you asshole.

    clifford T.I. (the rapper, not the racists)
    Bhutto hadn’t even been in the fucking country for 24 hours when 2 explosions occurred after she landed at the airport in Karachi, those Jihadist motherfuckers were not playing when they said stay out of their hood. She told the government this would happen, they didn’t give a fuck. You may remember T.I. and Co. got chased out of Cincy a while back, ending in his best friend’s death. He still can’t fuck with the ‘Supreme B’ though, 136 dead (with most being bodyguards or political allies of Bhutto’s) and 450 injured. Clifford, not even your little closet arsenal can fucks with Benazir.

    diddy Sean Combs
    I know, I know, he’s really NOT a rapper, even though he thinks he is, BUT he qualifies because his dad was reportedly a gangster. Can anyone verify the cause of death for Melvin?

    lil wang Lil Wayne
    Stuntin’ like my daddy. Need I say more? I could but it’d be too easy.

    Word on the streets of Islamabad is that The ‘Supreme B’ has about $1.5 Billion chillin in some offshore account and is about ready to wreck some shit. She’s been sneaking in a few punches here and there, kinda like Saigon and Prodigy, but different. Watch out Musharraf, you don’t wanna rumble with this queen B do ya?

    By the way, they call me Maxine, nice to meet ya.

    Watching NetFlix? Yes. Blood Sucking? Not So Much…

    Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

    crackula

    CASIMIR NOZKOWSKI is the man behind the lens for the iNternets Celebrities. Thank goodness for him he puts in more work than just the i.C.’s or ol’ boy wouldn’t even have carfare. One of CAZ’ latest projects is the internets based film series called ‘Blood Brothers’. It’s the story of two slacker vampire roommates just trying to get by and get high with some help from their friends. Think of this as BRAM STOKER meets ‘Three’s Company’.

    Here’s a look at webisodes 1 thru 4 for your Hallows Eve viewing pleasure…

    *VINCENT PRICE laugh*

    Hahahahahahahahahaha -cough- hahahahahahahahahaha

    GOT MILK? HALLE DOES…

    Thursday, October 25th, 2007

    halle

    H8TORADE hooks us up with some recent joints of the preggly HALLE BERRY.

    Fifty is the new twenty.

    cRap Music Moguls Unite!

    Monday, October 22nd, 2007

    lyor chaka

    Here’s a chance for you to get to know some of the label owners that are playing in 2007 Q4 edition of the DP Dot Com cRap Music Fantasy League. The best thing about the cMFL is that you really don’t have to a fan of rap music to be a good label owner. If you read the newspaper or the police blotter with any regularity you could put together a roster that scores a lot of points. DALLAS asked all the label owners a few questions to learn what their rap music pedigree was and how they came to love the music that I control. That’s ‘I’ as in T.I.

    1) Who is your favorite rap artist?
    2) What is your favorite rap song?
    3) What is the first rap record/album/CD that you purchased?
    4) Why would a rapper want to sign with your label?

    After I read some of the replies I selected a few label owners to highlight…

    saydatnuccaname SAYDATNUCCANAME WREKKIKDS
    1. Ghostface Killah
    2. ATCQ – ‘Scenario’
    3. Arrested Development – ‘3 Years, 5 Months, & 2 Days in the Life Of…’
    4. At SayDatNuccaName Wrekkids, we have no problem calling these other cRappers out and shittin’ on their whole steez. If you ain’t rollin’ wit’ SayDatNuccaName then you may as well kill yo’ self.

    gunshine state records GUNSHINE STATE MUSIC
    1. Eminem
    2. Nas – ‘Memory lane’
    3. D12 – ‘D12 World
    4. no B.S’n here, just make good music…

    berries n cream BERRIES & CREAM RECORDS
    1. Masta Ace. I dont really like the term rap artist, but err um MC, rap artist whatever.
    2. Big L – ‘Danger Zone’
    3. The 1st album I bought? WTF kinda question is that?! Cuz we used to steal you know how niggaz is? Maybe. Anyways I guess it would be Da Lench Mob Guerillas in da Mist because it was in a dollar bin and I was like Oh Shit Ice Cube son! He an angry nigga like me so I copped it.
    4. A rapper would want to sign with us because we give them Berries and Cream. Plus we do their marketing, promotion, give them a $250,000 advance and make sure that they get 5 cent for every album sold and 25 cents for every ringtone sold. What more do these greedy niggaz need jeez? No publishing rights though. We got to keep those safe because you never know who might get killed.

    crap a lot CRAP-A-LOT RECORDS
    1. jiggaman
    2. big – ‘juicy’
    3. 2pac – makaveli
    4. ‘coz i’ma merk ’em otherwise

    krack kokaine KRACK KO KAINE ENTERTAINMENT
    1. Biggie Smalls
    2. Black Sheep – ‘Choice Is Yours’
    3. Whodini – ‘Escape’
    4. Because we international and you’re just local!!!!

    combat jack COMBAT JACK RECORDS
    1. jay-z
    2. tie between jay z & b.i.g – ‘brooklyn’s finest’
    dre and snoop – ‘deep cover’
    nice & smooth & gangstarr – ‘dwyck’
    main source – ‘looking at the front door’
    b.i.g – ‘unbelievable’
    2pac – ‘hit em up’
    public enemy – ‘rebel w/o a pause’
    m.o.p. – ‘ante up’
    mobb deep – ‘shook ones, pt.2’
    o.c. – ‘time’s up’
    t.ski valley – ‘catch the beat’
    bdp – ‘bridge is over’
    bdp – ‘my philosophy’
    jay z – ‘takeover’
    nas – ‘ether’
    rakim – ‘my melody’
    rakim – ‘I know you got soul’
    jay z – ‘where I’m from’
    jay z – ‘you must love me’
    ulta-magnetic mcs – ‘ego trippin’
    tim dogg – ‘eff compton’
    common sense – ‘bitch in you’
    nwa – ‘straight outta compton’
    nwa – ‘fuck the police”
    gangstarr – ‘just to get a rep’
    special ed – ‘i got it made’
    big daddy kane – ‘warm it up kane’
    brand nubian – ‘allah u akbar’
    brand nubian – ‘punks jump up to get beatdown’
    b.i.g – ‘machine gun funk’
    b.i.g. – ‘warning’
    b.i.g. ’10 crack commandments'”
    b.i.g. – ‘what’s beef’
    b.i.g. feat. eminem – ‘dead wrong’
    b.i.g. – ‘kick in the door’
    cam’ron feat jay-z – ‘welcome to new york city’
    cam’ron – ‘killa kam’
    busta rhymes – ‘put your hands where my eyes can see’
    run dmc – ‘sucker mcs’
    run dmc – ‘run’s house’
    run dmc – ‘rock box’
    m.o.p. feat jay z – ‘4 alarm blaze’
    juice crew – ‘symphony’
    biz markie – ‘vapors’
    geto boys – ‘mind playin tricks’
    scar face – ‘seen a man die’
    kanye west – ‘can’t tell me nothing’
    big daddy kane – ‘young, gifted and black’
    epmd – everything from 1st four albums except ‘you drink too much’ and ‘it’s time to party’
    audio two – ‘top billin’
    lauryn hill – ‘lost ones’
    fresh 3 mcs’ – ‘f.r.e.s.h.’
    dougie fresh and slick rick – ‘the show’
    queen latifah – ‘wrath of my madness’
    lil kim feat jay z – ‘big momma thing’
    lil kim feat diddy – ‘no time’
    mc lyte – ‘cram to understand’
    ll cool j – ‘momma said’
    3. kurtis blow – ‘ego trip’
    4. Combat Jack’s 5 Gulliest Moments In The Music Business

    t.i.

    Mr.WEST says…
    Do me a favor fam and choose 50 because my ass is wore’d out from SNL repeating the show featuring me again this past weekend.

    They need to just go ‘head and hire me in place of that homo homeboy they fired, What his name was… FINESSE? [ll]

    yeWest

    BLOODSUCKERS OF THE UNIVERSE…

    Sunday, October 21st, 2007

    t.i.

    Most of you have seen the name T.I. used to reference the cabal of executives that manage the multinational corporations that govern this planet. Because the T.I.’s are mega wealthy and mega powerful I think we have always assumed that they were whites. The truth is that the T.I.s are actually extraterrestrials that came to Earth centuries ago.

    Sure they are wicked evil, but without them we wouldn’t have good shit like television or breakfast cereal. So what if we have to give them our blood? That’s only a small price to pay for t.v. ‘Purple Rain’ was on Vh-1 this past weekend. That’s Appolonia bitches. Thank you T.I.’s for all of your retro video goodness. Which brings me to the purpose of this drop. I’ve decided to let one of the T.I.’s take over the guest-editing duties of this site while I focus on my day job.

    I think this will be an excellent opportunity for you folks to get some insight on what motivates the T.I.’s to do what they do. Whether it’s putting the world on the brink of war, or using a Black mammy Aunt Jemima figure to further the agenda of passive aggressive racism the T.I.’s have a plan. And whether we like it or not we will be used and exploited. But maybe there’s a softer side to the T.I.’s that we haven’t seen. I’m willing to find out if there is more to their Machevellian machinations. Who knows, maybe after seeing things from the T.I.’s perspective I might switch all my mutual fund accounts into the prison industrial complex sector. Lord knows that biotech sector hasn’t done shit for me.

    The real reason I am turning this site over to the T.I.’s is because I need the money. It’s not even reasonable to think I can pay my bills if I keep staying up 5 a.m. every night reading blogs and searching news feeds in order to create content for this site and the seven daily readers that leave comments. I’d rather let the T.I.’s program this blog than have their middlemen from Google place ads in the sidebar. Let’s get our supremacy and capitalism straight with no chaser. Let’s see who among you can handle the truth…

    t.i. Hello Dallas Penn Dot Com homeboys and homeboyettes. My name is ToRBuLaX and I am the T.I. in charge of the entertainment sector of the planet Earth. I get to decide who will be the CEO of Viacom, Universal or Disney Corp.

    Sure, I choose someone who I have groomed to help me continue the agenda that makes Blacks the wretched of the Earth and keeps women in a subservient role to men, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends during the weekend.


    I mean, c’mon, seriously, what more do you want from me? I gave you the ‘Cosby Show’ AND ‘A Different World’ back in the eighties. So now why is it that the ‘In Living Color’ and ‘Girlfriends’ reruns average more daily viewers? I can’t even remember the last time any Black people tuned it to ‘Like It Is’.

    I hope we can have some fun together while I am here, and maybe, just maybe I will consider giving your fiend DALLAS a larger forum to express himself. Just don’t try to fuck up my income streams and I won’t produce another ‘Birth Of A Nation’.

    *crosses fingers behind back*

    t.i.