First off, let me thank everyone that registered to play in the DP Dot Com cRap Music Fantasy League. It seemed like a really good idea at the time. What kept it from blowing up were my limitations at computer programming. If there is an Excel or spreadsheet wiz that fucks with DP Dot Com holler at me on the e-mail and let me know if your interested in helping me get this thing popping off the right way. You wouldn’t know it since people don’t acknowledge it but I spend tons of my scrilla sending people all kinds of shit when they help the website or participate in contests that I run. Help me out and I guarantee that you’ll at least get a fly pair of kicks in return for your effort.
The premise of the cRap Music Fantasy League is that each player runs their own record label which has eight performers. At least one of them had to be a female rapper and also they needed to have one R & B singer (male or female). The label owners could even opt to have dead rappers on their label’s roster with the understanding that “dead rapper’s get better promotion” – (c)Jadakiss. The cRap Music Fantasy League is like a popularity contest and whichever artists can keep themselves in the media spotlight are the ones that will bring you the higher score. But ultimately, the cRap Fantasy League is a points driven game and certain favorable events in the course of a artists career will garner that performer points. Certified gold and platinum records were worth points to your label, but since this was a cRap Music game other events had value as well. Arrests and convictions including jail time could move your label up in the standings and death of someone on your roster was a surefire way to win the contest outright.
Not that we want any rappers to die or anything, but there are a few that could just kill themselves and the world would be fine with that. Anyhoo, I asked the label owners to submit their rosters and label names several times. Here are the labels that made it through into the league’s registration process…
Because of the number of labels as compared to the number of desirable cRappers in today’s cRap music landscape you will notice that many labels share similar artists. The only key to success was having the combination of cRappers that would be leading the industry during the opening months of 2007. Here is a list artists who were points leaders during the first quarter of 2007…
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JAY-Z = 1750 points Jigga was the M.V.P. beast of the league on the strength of a double platinum certification for his recent album ‘Kingdome Come’ and the myriad amount of licensing deals he caked up with in the first quarter. Redsigning Cherry Coke… Selling Roc-A-Wear for $200mil… GM x JAY-Z blue?!? |
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AKON = 1000 pts If we excluded South Africa, AKON might make more money than the GNP of all of Africa. Through a string of successful R & B hits this over-synthesized pop singer has been tearing up the U.S. charts. Only ROBIN THICKE plays the radio more than this dude. |
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NOTORIOUS B.I.G. = 1000 pts Notorious B.I.G. was a solid pick because this year happened to be the tenth anniversary of his murder. With an album release and countless media coverage this sleeper pick could have put you over the top. |
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LIL’ WAYNE – 750 points I’m curious as to why LIL’ WAYNE is so popular. He doesn’t seem to be too talented a wordsmith and he speaks in a disjointed and somewhat retarded manner in interviews, but maybe that’s what the people relate to nowadays. Anyhoo, you can’t go wrong picking him for your roster because the powers that be love little, snarly, gremlin-looking Black men for their minstrel revivals. |
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FISTY SCENT – 750 points I’m used to FISTY being such a juggernaut in pop culture I thought for sure he would dominate the league. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t hear too much from him at all until Cam’Ron decided to awaken the sleeping giant with his taunts of Fisty’s government name. I’d keep Fisty on your roster if you have him because he’s liable to break out with more book deals and prah’lee a snack cake liscensing agreement or some shit. |
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YOUNG JEEZY = 750 pts Who is inspired by this dude? More people than I could imagine. Despite looking like a seal with jewelry on JEEZY the Snowman makes his RIAA quota. |
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YOUNG BUCK = 750 pts BUCK might be finding himself in the same place as a former G-Unit star if he doesn’t get his mind right. Fisty Scent doesn’t take kindly to subordinates who appear unloyal. With all the popular cRappers coming from the southern region I don’t consider BUCK a keeper pick in the cRap Music Fantasy League. |
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LUDACRIS = 500 pts After cutting off his trademark mane LUDACRIS has become a mediocre cRapper. cRappers like T.I., WAYNE and JEEZY dominate the southern region and LUDACRIS may have his eyes on Hollywood now anyhoo. He’s a good pick if you have some inside information, but if not leave him off your squad. |
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CIARA = 500 pts She is certainly talented and beautiful. And bigger than all of that it’s finally been agreed that CIARA is actually a woman. |
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FERGIE = 500 pts When people call her rap band the Black Eyed Peas they didn’t realize that FERGIE took that to literally mean pee her pants. I guess her impromptu golden showers have helped her achieve greater than golden certification from the RIAA. |
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NELLY FURTADO = 500 pts Do you remember that brief scandal about R & B chantueses giving up the booty to their producers as exchange for their production skills? Do you think NELLY fucked Timbaland? If we find out that she did I am retracting all of her points. |
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LIL’ BOW WOW = 500 pts How crazy is it that LIL’ BOW WOW is still a teen idol. You know this dude is like 32 right? He has that shit that dude Webster had where you don’t grow up anymore. |
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FOXY BROWN = 500 pts FOXY has become rap music’s hot ghetto mess. She makes REMY MA look like she has her shit together. From probation to arrest back to another probation warning, FOXY is begging the courts to assign her a stint in a supervised halfway house. Pray for her ass. |
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CHRIS BROWN = 500 pts While USHER is busy taking care of other people’s baby mamas CHRIS BROWN has stepped in to fill the void. |
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BUSTA RHYMES = 250 pts What the fuck happened to BUSTA?!? Do you think it’s the after effects of steroids? Whatever it is BUSTA looks like he is going to have to give a minute of his life to the county lockup. |
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CAM’RON = 250 pts Not too much going on with Cam’Ron except some ‘hood videos. |
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LIL’ FLIP = 250 pts After beating up T.I. a few years ago I thougtht that Lil’ Flip’s career would be done, but lo and behold, he releases another album that I prah’lee won’t listen to. |
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DEVIN the Dude = 250 pts DEVIN’s latest album ‘Waiting To Inhale’ was a fun romp through the mind of a tragic weedhead. |
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REDMAN = 250 pts The return of REGGIE NOBLE means that Hip-Hop isn’t dead yet. |
After totaling up the labels with the highest scores I award the title of DallasPenn Dot Com Crap Music Mogul to DEAF JAM Records. Send me your address and your shoe size for your free pair of NIKE Dunks.
