Archive for the ‘H.A.M.’ Category

WIG OWNER W/O HER BEARD…

Wednesday, September 26th, 2007

a KEYS

GOD bless the little heart of ALEX 2.0.

She loves herself some ALICIA KEYS, place a No SHERYL SWOOPES[ll] on that last statement. She hates when I go in on ALICIA and her “partner” KERRY ‘Krucial Keys’. Truthfully I think it’s kind of progressive of them that KERRY has decided to take on ALICIA’s last name. We all know who brushes whose wig in this relationship. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t brush her wig either. ALICIA KEYS has got that tender, sweet fat on the back of her arms that every fine woman must have. I’m just not into the pegging game I’m sure she plays with KERRY. I call that shit the crying game. [ll]

The pics below show Ms. KEYS without her beard. No I meant that literally. She has a wild amount of razor bumps and ingrown hairs after shaving off her actual Levert-style beard. It looks like that ProActiv shit is worse than crack when you try to get off it cold turkey.

a keys

a keys

a keys

From the looks of some of these pictures ALICIA KEYS may have to get some tips from her beard KERRY on how to properly grow a beard. You know how dyke chicks love to rock chest hair and moustaches anyhoo.

WHAT DOES IT SMELL LIKE?!?

Saturday, September 22nd, 2007

phyllis hymen

Don’t H8 the smell…

My dude from StartSnitching Dot Com just laced me with the links to the future in a bottle.

VULVA

– click the big word link, but extremely *NSFW*

Peep the press release from this crazy shit…

VULVA is not a perfume, but a beguiling vaginal scent. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, anywhere, the odor of a beautiful women.

I’m about to put this shit on my food…

GABEROCKKA On Ghetto Celeb Schadenfreude…

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

brit vma

Editor’s note: Wikipedia says that Schadenfreude is a German word meaning “pleasure taken from someone else’s misfortune”. It has been borrowed by the English language and is sometimes also used as a loanword by other languages. It derives from Schaden(damage, harm) and Freude(joy). So sit back and relax as GABEROCKKA goes in on Ghetto Celeb Schadenfreude.

Is there anything more entertaining than witnessing a celebrity’s public downfall? I was thinking about it, and I was asking myself the question of how I would write this drop; would I have a point to make or would it be random stream of consciousness writing? I tried to formulate an essay about how celebrity-directed schadenfreude is more rampant in our society now than ever, and that is a sign of a slackening of values like compassion and forgiveness in our modern society.

As soon as the point popped into my head I realized people have been revelling in the public shaming and downfalls of others, especially those on the higher level of the social strata, since the beginning of civilization. The only difference is, in our time, with the internet, cable tv, etc., we receive and spread information so much faster. Schadenfreude is just part of human nature. When someone who has always had it better than you is publically destroyed, the vast majority of people on this earth would secretly gloat to themselves as they watched with fascination as it unfolded.

So in that spirit, I would like to present Gaberockka’s top five public downfall’s of the 2006-2007 celebrity season.

mel gibson
Mel ‘I’m Bringing Auschwitz Back’ Gibson
Now Mel had already been accused of severe anti-semitism several times in the past, and it was common knowledge that his dad was some neo-nazi lunatic so I think everyone kind of knew, but it isn’t every day that a big time celebrity fucks up so badly as to go off on a drunken anti-semetic rant when he works in an industry controlled by Jews. You do have to give him credit though; he put together the little obligatory apology package with the heartfelt apology letter and the photo-ops with old jewish guys. The thing is, and I didn’t do much fact checking, because hey, I’m a blogger, but doesn’t Mel own his own production company, and doesn’t he finance his own movies. Then he puts them out and they’re blockbusters, so he’s kind of set without all the old Hollyweird jewery. Hell, if he didn’t want all the Jews out there to pry open their wallets and pay to see his movies, he probably should’ve just retitled his flicks something like this… ‘Mad Max 3: Fuck The Jews!’

ted haggard
Ted Haggard aka Right Reverend Bati Bwoy
I’m lazy so I’ll just copy & paste a couple excerpts from some article I wrote about dude back when I was doing Flawless Hustle

“So let’s talk about this Reverend Ted Haggard guy. He is a pillar of his commuinity, one of the most influentual people in the Christian Right Evangelical movement, head of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals, leader of the 14,000-member New Life Church, and a personal spiritual advisor of the President. He is a real warrior for god, and a living testement to the ideals of Chistianity. Oh except for the fact that he’s been doing meth and having monthly gay sex romps with a male prostitute”

Don’t worry… it gets better:

“The prostitute, Mike Jones, took a minute out of his busy schedule as a popular Houston rapper, to shed some light on the true face of the Evangelical movement. As the story goes, Jones had been having sex and doing meth with Rev. Haggard on a monthly basis for the last 3 years and had no idea who he was. One day he was flipping through channels and he landed on one of those religious channels where Rev. Haggard was giving an impassioned sermon to a stadium full of inbred hicks faithful worshippers about the evil of homosexuality.

According to the website of his organization, “The Bible says homosexuality is a sin that “brings grave consequences in this life and excludes one from the Kingdom of God.”” This is a view that Rev. Haggard, at least publicly endorses. Mr. Jones couldn’t sit by and watch the hypocrisy, so he exposed the Reverend. At first Rev. Haggard categorically denied all claims, but when Mr. Jones revealed that he had proof in the form of voicemails left by Rev. Haggard, Haggard had no choice but to confess to “some indescretions” ”

These quotes were from an article about Haggard called ‘Flaming Downfall’. This was one of the more interesting stories purely for the reason that it exposed such right-wing Christian hypocrisy. It made you wonder how this guy could have lived with himself for so long being a publicly fervent anti-gay activist, but really a closeted ‘mo on the low.

kkkramer
Jive Turkey Racist Comedian Michael Richards
Ooohwee did this guy mess up. I don’t know if it really counts as a downfall since it’s hard to ruin a career where one no longer existed anymore, but he still effed up. The T.I. controlled media tends to downplay any social injustice suffered by black people in this country – whether it be a N-word laced tirade by a celebrity, inequality of treatment in the criminal justice system (Jena 6), or outright murder of blacks by police officers (Sean Bell, et al.). These stories are never quite as big as they should be, but when Kramer showed his true colors in front of a comedy club full of shocked patrons it was all over the news for a couple weeks.

The funny thing is, despite his apology, he sort of tried to play it off like his comedy act was so deep rooted in his personality (or something) that it took over completely, and when he went off on his tirade he was simply ‘in character’. Note to Kramer: I know Andy Kaufman, I’m related to Andy Kaufman, and you sir are no Andy Kaufman. I don’t believe you, you need more people.

brit hot
Britney Spears: Washed Up At 25 Yrs Old
She went from being masturbation fodder for millions of middle aged men around the country, to being the subject of derision, ridicule, and pity. By the time she married Federline she was already out of favor with the public. She squeezed out two young’uns while she still had the mind of a 14 year old and that didn’t help public opinion, but we indulged her fleeting interest in playing Mommy. The inevitable messy divorce, and allegations of total parental incompetence and even child abuse were the nail in the coffin. Then, at the worst possible time she started partying with Paris Hilton, getting totally twisteee every night, and showing the world her droopy cooch-sleeves.

brit snatch
She also did some memorably dumb shit like bringing her infant children with her to clubs and keeping them out all night. This bitch can’t afford a baby-sitter? Even the most ghettoest of hoodrats know to get a sitter when they go out clubbing. The bizarre ‘in and out of rehab/head-shaving incident’ was the Krazy Glue acting as back up for the nails in case the coffin lid got loose like Britney’s labia. Her performance at the VMA’s was the 500-ton concrete block poured over the coffin. Pitifully clumsy and amateurish dancing, lip-syncing so bad that it wouldn’t have even won her a spot as a contestant on Lip Service, and I won’t even go in to the fact that she was totally out of shape because thats too easy.

I know it’s cliche, but Britney’s downfall was like watching a horrible car accident in slow motion; it’s grotesque, sad, and disturbing, but you can’t look away for even a second lest you should miss the money shot where the unfortunate passenger’s head hits the windshield and splatters the car with gray matter. Interesting side note: if you google the phrase ‘public downfall’, half the hits on the first page are articles about Britney Spears. Hmmmmm….

brit bald

vick
Atlanta’s Atomic Dog Michael Vick
I didn’t enjoy watching his downfall, and I felt a kind of way about his trial (and crucifixion) by media. With that said, I love dogs, and my personal feeling is that anyone who intentionally hurts dogs should go to prison. Imagine if we had some sort reciprocosity based system of doling out punishment to criminals. For example, if you kill, you are killed, if you rape you are raped, etc. Would Mike Vick have to fight dogs? Or would he have to fight humans in some sort of Planet of the Dogs gladiator arena? Anyway, on the bright side, it brought the term ‘Rape Stand’ into the public focus, which was good for me since I’m currently in the process of marketing my own line of rape stands, except mine come in Gerbil, Hamster, and Guinea Pig sizes, in addition to the standard dog size, so get at me if you’re having trouble breeding your domesticated rodents.

* Bonus Round * Bonus Round * Bonus Round *

craig
Trapped In The Water Closet Senator Larry Craig
Larry Craig is a Republican senator from Idaho who was recently arrested for soliciting gay sex in a mens bathroom in the Minneapolis airport. He initially pled guilty to disorderly conduct, but now is seeking to withdraw the plea, arguing that he panicked and pled guilty to avoid a public downfall (oops! situations like this are why the term ‘backfire’ exist). I can’t call it; I’m pretty sure the dude is a fruitbasket, because there’s a clear correlation between people in positions that require a hard-line conservative stance on homosexuality, and being closeted gays themselves (Ted Haggard, Catholic Priests – more pedo’s than gay, I know) but at the same time, Craig was arrested for….tapping his foot and moving his luggage? And this is locally known as “a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct”?

I’m not sure that would convince me if I was a juror. I mean if it’s locally known to be a signal then that’s all well and good, but I imagine that his lawyer could make a pretty strong argument for him just having had the misfortune to tap his shoe and move his luggage in an airport where that’s a homosexual mating call. Am I being naive? I don’t know, I don’t know much about Minneapolis anti-lewdness statutes either.

I guess the reason this particular public downfall deserves note, is that instead of accepting his shaming and getting out of the spotlight ASAP (a la Ted Haggard), Senator Craig now wants to withdraw his guilty plea, keeping him, and by proxy the negative association he now has with the Republican Party in the public eye; a move drawing anger from all four corners of the GOP. In 1994 Senator Craig was accused of hitting on a guy in a clothing store. When confronted by the media about the incident, he replied: “I’ve been in this business 27 years in the public eye here. I don’t go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn’t do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!”

Note to self: Boise Idaho has great potatoes, but cruising for men… Not so much. Jiminy. [||]

A LETTER FROM THE MANAGEMENT

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

steel reserve

Jou’vert is Hard Body!

For DP Dot Com’s new year on the air I thought we’d go in hard talking about GOD, girls and the planet of Brooklyn. Two years ago GOD visited America disguised as an angry Black bitch of a storm named Katrina. She kicked ass too because the Middle Passage was fucked the fuck up like that. Katrina was letting fools know that motherfuckers owe biggtime for all the people that didn’t survive the three months at sea sleeping in their vomit, piss, shit and tears. Katrina made America look every which way like a two bit third world country. At least in Haiti the people are hardbody enough to change presidents.

Sa pase ozetazini?

A shout goes out to my Haitian massive readers this Labor Day, as well as all the displaced, Hebrews, Africans and Blacks in general. Whether your displacement was in 1605 or 2005, at the end of the day it was always all about the benjamins.

Guess who hasn’t slept since Saturday nite?

And then I only napped for a few hours.

Labor Day weekend is when I go hard for the crown and this year is no different. C.S. and I saw two movies at the multi-plex (I fucks with this shit called ‘Sunshine’, not so much for ‘Balls of Fury’). Then we drove to Woodstock to chill at the weekend crib of C.S.’s big homey, Mrs.JEAN-MARIE. Came back to the city and went to Manahatta and then the Prince versus MICHAEL JACKSON throw down. Stopped by PathMark to pick up some lamb chops. I dropped C.S. off at the crib and then I went to RippleBar to get my Jou’vert started off right (shouts to the RippleBar regulars).

Jou’vert is one of my all time favorite New York City traditions. This is the real West Indian Day parade. That shit that happens during the daytime is actually just the residual after-party. For the several hours during Jou’vert the entire Brooklyn goes 7:30. People are naked and rubbing one another in a massive orgy of painted on, sweat drenched drunken bodies. If someone told me that during these times is when the conception rate and murder rate both jumped in Brooklyn I wouldn’t doubt it. With all the spirits being summoned to the corners of Empire Boulevard and Flatbush Avenue I know something freaky is going down. That’s why I go there.

DP Dot Com isn’t a real photoblog, because I ain’t a real photographer so forgive me if I don’t take the best pictures. Keep in mind that I am drunk and ready to fall on my ass from jumping and skipping all night. These are the times when a bump of that yayze could keep me rocking out until Wednesday. That sugarcane shit ain’t for me no more, but I will always fucks with Caribbean Day…

dp

DP = Fried green tomatoes. Guyana jump up!

I heart Brooklyn

I heart Brooklyn

trini broads

trini broads

Trinidad and Tobago: The Caribbean’s most freakiest islands.

trini

Trini masquerader with mom and bay’bro

steel reserve

Carnival Thugs

steel reserve
steel reserve
steel reserve
steel reserve

PumPum Dancers

DP Dot Com Super Heroine Series: CATWOMAN

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007

catwoman

Let me tell you that there are certain super heroines that have a male counterpart that they are romantically involved with, like Elektra and DareDevil for instance, but there is no comic book romance that has been better than that of Catwoman and the Bat. The both of these characters are pathological freaks that have to put on masks to get it up. They are also both the ultimate loners because of their emotional detachment to everything and everyone except for their own agenda. Catwoman, however, can convince Batman to walk on the dark side with her, and he in turn, is the only man that can make her be a good pussy. Maybe that’s why those two love each other so much.

cat bat

I spent Friday night with C.S. watching the ‘Catwoman’ movie starring HALLE BERRY. She is single handedly ruining female super heroines with her horrible acting. HALLE is certainly pretty, but she lacks the strength and the fierceness that her characters require of her. ROSARIO DAWSON would have murdered as Catwoman if the studios were so set on selecting an ethnic goddess for the role. HALLE just isn’t a diva. She is too light in the drawls, if you know what I’m saying? The movie didn’t even maintain fidelity to the Catwoman canon.

Selina Kyle was the name of Catwoman’s alter ego. She made a habit of putting in work as Gotham City’s greatest jewel thief. Catwoman was as fearless as she was cunning. She would rob the Joker if he had something that interested her. Then Batman would come through and put the cataclysmic smackdown on Joker and rescue Catwoman, only to have his face scratched up by her as she escaped. This was her way of telling him that she loved him. Catwoman was a magnificent cocktease and Batman fell for her shit everytime. Every now and again the Bat would turn her over to the authorities, but only after he stuck his tongue down her throat. Keep in mind that these two are freaks of the week with emotional issues.

neal adams

If I ever make a Batman movie it will definitely be a pr0n joint, and it will have Batman and the Joker gangbanging Catwoman. Batman don’t really seem like the dude that would beat fire out of Catwoman the way the Joker would. Batman is more likely to watch from the corner of the bedroom and just masturbate. The one thing I can say is that every woman that has ever been cast as Catwoman was worth a ride in the sack, and a few could get my Batarang twice.

halle berry HALLE BERRY
Yeah, HALLE BERRY is a pretty ass chick, but she looks like the type of Black chick that sleeps funny so as not to muss her hair. And being the Catwoman ain’t all about looks either. There is a sex appeal, a female swagger if you will that HALLE BERRY lacks. ‘Jungle Fever’ = her best acting job.

LEE MERIWETHER
LEE starred as Catwoman for the Batman movie made in the 1960’s. She was aiight, but I don’t think she had the sex appeal for Catwoman. LEE was trying too hard to be an actress.
lee meriwether

julie newmar JULIE NEWMAR
JULIE NEWMAR was the first Catwoman on the campy Batman television series. She knew exactly what being Catwoman was all about. She used her feminine charm not just on Batman, but on all of the super villains as well. I even think BURGESS MEREDITH hit that joint with his Penguin umbrella.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER
MICHELLE killed it in the role of Catwoman for the Batman movie directed by TIM BURTON. She was sexy and seducing. Plus crazy as all get out. Of all the various Catwoman costumes I felt like MICHELLE’s maintained the integrity of the character while also giving us a nice little dominatrix look.
michelle pfeiffer

eartha kitt EARTHA KITT
EARTHA KITT was the greatest Catwoman of all time. First off, she was sexy as hell. Her body and her purring voice were so over the top I just wanted to hump my television everytime the Batman show came on. The great GOD above made EARTHA KITT for the role of Catwoman and no one will ever top her performances.