Archive for the ‘Fashion Faux Pas’ Category

WIG OWNERS > WIG BRUSHERS: O.G. HOLLYWOOD DREAMGIRLS

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

dreamwigs

There’s no way you can escape the hype of this years’ #1 Hollywood blockbuster movie ‘Dreamgirls’. Shouts go out to Crunk & Disorderly for the pics. For the writers of the Wig Owners > Wig Brushers features here on this site the movie is like a coup for overall wig recognition. The wigs in Dreamgirls were so plentiful that even EDDIE MURPHY and JAMIE FOXX had to have some brushers on staff.

dreamwigs

There was a rumored factoid that the stylists from the movie used more than 600 wigs in the course of filming the movie. There was a whole lot of brushing going on in Hollywood, but it’s not like La La land hasn’t brushed some wigs in it’s history. As a matter of fact, there have been way more talented wigs on the silver screen than the yakky lace fronts worn by BeYONCE, JENNIFER ‘Young Jesus’ HUDSON and that other little Black girl.

dreamwigs

Before this ‘Dreamgirls’ movie and it’s countless premiere screenings there was a group of women who built the foundation that all of the half-baked, made-for-video, pop music prostitutes starlets stand atop. The Supremes were a trailblazing singing group that changed wigs with every costume.

o.g. dreamwigs

supremes THE SUPREMES
Before TLC, X-SCAPE, SWV, SALT-N-PEPA, DESTINY’s CHILD and all those other pop music threesomes were these young wig wearers. DIANA ROSS would eventually start owning her wigs and making the rest of the Supremes as irrelevant as Nappy Diatribe, Bomani Jones and The Assimilated Negro.

the boss

DIANA ROSS a/k/a ‘The Boss’
BeYONCE doesn’t have the singing talent or acting ability that Mrs. ROSS holds, but BeYONCE is a thirty-two year old woman desperate for superstardom and eternal fame. You can’t put a price on that.

the boss DIANA ROSS
This is the epitome for Hollywood Wig Owners. Her wigs were made from the hair of tortured Vietnamese girls. What do you think the Vietnam War was about? American woman in the suburbs and the cities wanted Viet Cong lace fronts NOW!

sheezy CHER
Another triple threat talent that brought technological advances into the wig wearing arena. Too bad her longtime Wig Brusher SONNY BONO had to be killed by that tree.

sheezy

CHER
CHER went through more wigs in a thirty minute television variety show than most Wig Brushers get to style in a lifetime. KELLY ROWLAND, can you hear us?!?! Get your wig brushing weight up!

nutbush TINA TURNER
IKE TURNER got tired of brushing Auntie Entity’s wigs and the only question you need to ask is, “Where the eff is he now?”

dolly DOLLY PARTON
Respect this golden blonde Wig Owner and her O.G. triple D’s. She took the best little whorehouse in Texas and made it her 9-2-5. What a way to make a living.

loretta LORETTA LYNN
L.L. brushed DOLLY’s wigs for so many years that she just received a Grammy award for it. And here it was I thought that received the Grammy because she was a grandma. Time for a new G.I.L.F. list, eh?

wigney houston WIGNEY HOUSTON
The preacher’s wife doesn’t need a bodyguard to get her Wig Owning game back on track, she just needs someone to hide all of her crackpipes.

Random Stats About Du-Rags…

Friday, December 1st, 2006

doo rag

Editor’s note: You folks know of him as RD and I have to call him the Youngest In Charge Of The Blogosphere. RD created a series of posts that examines the negative effects that the du-rag has upon those that wear them. RD continues with the series in the conviction that he will one day get young men to throw away their jailhouse accessories and hopefully replace them with a baseball hat that fits properly.

RANDOM STATS ABOUT DU-RAGS
1) Du-rags have become outlawed in the professional world like the ugly Black secretary(both fuck up your business, either way). Why do you think Jay-Z hides his du-rag? So says David Stern who owns a factory in Honduras that manufactures REEBOK du-rags. There is some truth to this as we have been out-sprinting the Spanish man in the race to Rikers Island prison facility. Long before the days of Diddy and J. Lo, we have been following Chico down the toilet of literacy rates, remade the salsa dance with old slave dances (thanks Lil’ Jon), and now have stolen their wife-beaters and made them into du-rags. Wife beaters were cultural memes that had become synonymous with Mexican labor – cheap and accessible. The du-rag has begun to define us. Any mystery or wonder why most du-rags are black and removable? Supremacy is sending y’all a message. And you thought the du-rag was just for some waves?!? Put a satellite radio on your head, or even go to the beach dammit.

doo rag

2) Du-rags = head thongs. I used to feel for women who had to battle the inequalities and pimps of society(no shout out to Don Juan) with a sleek, thinner diaper lodged up their temples. I mean, personally, I look at that as self-harassment. But, black males in an attempt to get ever so much closer to that temple have followed suit. Lacy, cotton, surface-area thongs now slide over their temples and are wedged between desperation and ignorance. How do you want pussy by being a pussy? I don’t get that. With this attitude you will all become du–rags: dispensable and black. That’s why Emimen only wears his for an hour a day. He still doesn’t want to have to wear a vest like his pet homeboy Fisty. So, next time you wear a du-rag, just think of the daily abuse on Melyssa Ford’s prism. Yeah, it still hurts to be a woman.

doo rag

3) Du-rags are more addictive than cocaine. Before one can start to exhibit Bobby Brown symptoms that powdery sample must actually enter the body. Du-rags however, are one up on coke and lie on the dome like a fresh Burger King crown, ready to crown the next royal sucker. Now does it make sense why the King of All Jigs cut a deal with BK? Shit, you don’t even have to fasten them ninja wings before you start popping suicide pills (no shout out to T.O.) or trying to hustle the African people (no shout out to Russel). I swear in a few years, your closest homie will be hustling du-rags by the pound.

doo rag

4) Du-rags are like South Korea on our globe of thought because they are straight nukin’ any intelligence (no pun). So with that y’all better get your ammo of sense ready because the war with ignorance is coming. If you can afford ignorance, you can’t afford anything else, which is to say, ignorance comes at a price. This is why supremacy will always raise the price of gas, real estate, and everything else on this blessed planet. But believe me, just like Beyonce has 2 asses, supremacy will never raise the price of the du-rag. NEVER. And once again, we lose so supremacy has to win. The score reads Supreme Team: every time a rapper forgets to wear a belt and us: -3,487,953.

We got a long way to go.

-RD

MySpace Hotties… Not!

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

hotties

This is how large you will be living when you get up on that MySpace crack with your boy BLU CHEEZ.

Yeah boyeeeeee!

SNEAKER FIENDS UNITE!

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

spidey

My bad, my bad, I said no more S.F. drops, but I got all crazy when someone agreed with me that the Foamposite Pro LE’s that were called the Doctor Dooms should really have been nicknamed the Venoms.

Okay, I am on my sneaker nerd shit now, but can I get a witness?!?

foamposite pro LE

WIG OWNERS > WIG BRUSHERS: WIGNEY HOUSTON – A WIG OWNING RETROSPECTIVE

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

wigney

With the news this week that WIGNEY HOUSTON’s former Wig Brushing husband has decided to brush the wig of H-list celebrity fellatio provider, KARINNE ‘Superhead’ STEFFANS, we felt that WIGNEY could now turn a corner, brush the dandruff off her shoulders and start anew. It’s fine for Wig Owners to sometimes do their own brushing too. It’s a way to get to know your wig better with the hope that you’ll be less likely to flip your wig in the future. I am happy for WIGNEY and I hope that we get to hear some new classic songs written by others and performed by her.

In the meantime and in between time we thought that a Wig Owning retrospective might be a good way to see how far daddy’s little girl has traveled on her Wig Owning journey…

wigney BEFORE BOBBY BROWN BRUSHED IT
WIGNEY was perky and bubbly, but in her heart of hearts she longed for someone to brush out the kinks of her Yakky Bob.

wigney EARLY BOBBY BROWN BRUSHING STYLE
In the beginning it looked like BOBBY BROWN had the technique to keep WIGNEY’s wig straight and knot-free.

kerry keys BOBBY BROWN BRUSH CURLS
WIGNEY and BOBBY had something in common and we loved them both. Black America’s redbone princess had made a prince out of New Editions’ rejected stylist.


wigney

WIGNEY never looked so good, but underneath her wig was a scalp with a mean itch. BOBBY was still a good brusher, but he wasn’t cleaning up after the wigs as often due to a few stints in the clink. In his absence some of WIGNEY’s wigs fell into disrepair and had to be thrown away. That was a shame since these were really expensive wigs made from the scalps of blonde Chechen women that were executed for their hair.

wigney BOBBY BROWN LAZY BRUSH
BOBBY was definetly not on his thorough brushing grind any longer and it was beginning to show. Whenever people tried to intervene and get WIGNEY a new brusher she just told them that BOBBY would return to form.

wigney BOBBY BROWN NON-BRUSHED
This was a valley for WIGNEY and she started to realize that she needed a new brusher when she was down to her last wig. She had gone through her entire wig collection in ten short years and now she was left with only one nappy Yak that matched up with a faux fur that she stole from her aunt, DIONNE WARWICK.

wigney

Looks who’s back on top of the Wig Owning game with a brand new Sassy Samantha to brush and style. This time around I hope that WIGNEY uses some patience and discretion when choosing her brusher. I wouldn’t even be mad at her if she got down like ALICIA KEYS when choosing her new brusher.

You know CLIVE DAVIS always keeps a beard in his closet.

wigney