Archive for the ‘BeYONCE’s Hair’ Category

HILLARY CLINTON IS A BLACK BITCH!

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

hilly

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Now don’t go getting your politically correct panties all up in a bunch. When people called her husband BILL CLINTON a nigger we all laughed it off. Dude played the saxophone, he smoked pot AND he cheated on his old lady. Yeah, that sounded like a Black man to most of us. Trust me that HILLARY is Black. Blacker than BARACK. BELIEVE THAT!

HILLARY embodies everything that the professional Black woman is doing right now. She is holding her own around hundreds of white men. She is writing books that talk about empowering the community, but most of all, HILLARY is representing for Black women by having too many fucking last names.

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON

That is some professional Black bitch shit right there. The more successful a Black women, the more last names she will sport. OPRAH is the only person bucking this trend since she is moving in the direction of being known as only the single initial ‘O’. I think OPRAH bought the letter ‘O’ for a billion million dollars and now Black people can’t even use it in their kids names.

I hate when a Black chick has three last names and she’s still single. I would never hire someone for whom I would have to order a custom sized cubicle tag. TINA JONES, welcome to DallasPenn dot com. TINAYA JOHNSON-WASHINGTON, not so much. Shit just cost more when niggas have extra long names for no reason. But the new millenium professional Black bitch doesn’t give a fuck about the cost of shit. If she can buy it for herself then she doesn’t respect you giving it to her. Can you believe that the new millenium Black bitch demands at least three carats of diamonds in her PLATINUM engagement ring? This is because she has the line of credit to buy herself a 2.5 carat ring already.

I am not blaming Black women for refusing to settle for less than they feel they are worth. I am blaming them for having two many fucking last names when they finally do settle down. They always live with one foot out of the door when they are independent and professional. Just looking for a man to be quiet and wear a beard like STEDMAN does while they frolic in the bed with a GAYLE KING.

Two pieces of advice for anyone considering dating a Black professional woman… Ask her to say her full last name and ask her whether she prefers gold over platinum. You can come back to this comment section afterwards and tell us the truth.

The Goddess Is Good, All Of The Time…

Wednesday, January 17th, 2007

b

I was just complaining how BeYONCE never gives me any frontal photos and then BAM! Look how good she is to me, sharing her goddess-like bounty with me over the internets, giving me that blank stare that says that she has no idea where I am taking her, but oh, she knows, she knows we are going into the bathroom right now and I am opening my bottle of Burt’s Bees lotion…

b

SECRET LIVES of GHETTO CELEBS

Sunday, January 14th, 2007

keys

ALICIA KEYS has been shaping her game up for her Hollywood star turn. She is wearing skirts a lot more and kissing people on the cheek as opposed to giving them street dap handshakes. It’s a good look for ALICIA and we’re proud of her too. Especially for shaving down her chest whiskers.

keys

SECRET LIVES of GHETTO CELEBS

Friday, January 12th, 2007

jjack

From the looks of her hardening clayface fixed-smile and the demonic symbols hanging from her balloon boobery necklace I am now scared to shit of the gods that JANET JACKSON prays to. Oh, and yeah, NSFW.

jjack

LADIES, TONI BRAXTON WILL TAKE YOUR MAN

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

tb

To understand the situation behind JASON KIDD and his baby momma JOUMANA you have to let me rewind back to the 1995 NBA season. Back then the Dallas Mavericks were a promising young squad. ROY TARPLEY had made a brief return from the rehab clinic. GEORGE McCLOUD was throwing up three pointers like he was the resurrection of MARK AGUIRRE, but the nucleus and the excitement for this team came from the ‘3-J’s. Point guard JASON KIDD, shooting guard/swingman JIM JACKSON and small forward JAMAL MASHBURN. Like all the classic Western Conference clubs these boys could fill up the rim. And it wasn’t just the basketball rim that these three dudes enjoyed putting their balls into. There was a hot young rhythm and blues chanteuse that was also the affection of their eyes. All of their eyes.

tb

Back then, TONI BRAXTON was reigning queen of artists working on the Atlanta based Arista imprint, LaFace Records. As famous as TONI was for selling records she was equally notorious in the NBA late night circle. TONI liked to double up too. SCOTTIE PIPPEN and MICHAEL JORDAN made her breathe again. ALONZO MOURNING and LARRY JOHNSON both used their inside game on TONI. She was so gully that she let MUGGSY blaze as well. ‘ZO and Grandmama seemed to catch feelings that they were sharing her put, but nothing was as bad as the off the court rift that developed when JAMAL MASHBURN, JASON KIDD and JIM JACKSON started hitting that freeway threeway. It wasn’t enough for JIM JACKSON to be the Mavericks high scorer on the court. He wanted all the glitter off the court as well. He started catching feelings when he learned that TONI BRAXTON had other business in Dallas. What he didn’t realize is that TONI was just gully like that.

tb

Ask her sisters TRACI, TRINA, TOWANDA, and TAMAR who she left in the dust at LaFace. Those broads are running around shoplifting costume jewelry now. Just because some Black chick is liteskin don’t think she can’t be a ghetto desperado with no scruples. Especially when your parents give you all halfrican names. When she came to New York to work on Broadway she was paid a visit from JASON KIDD who apparently still had a place in his heart for that gully poon despite the fact that he was knee deep in a hellish marriage to some former stripper er, model. When JOUMANA KIDD sent her waterhead son to rifle through his dad’s pockets do you know whose phone number came up? All I can say for you women that have husbands playing in the NBA right now is protect your neck come All-Star weekend. The game will be played in Las Vegas where TONI has been headlining at the Flamingo Hotel and Casino.

tb