Archive for the ‘BeYONCE’s Hair’ Category

You Too Can Be President (of Def Jam).

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

s dot

From the outside looking in, a lot of folks wondered how SEAN CARTER came to be the president of Def Jam records. Even the record industry people that knew JAY-Z had a difficult time in conducting a prolonged conversation without succumbing to rapping were slightly amused.

Again, from the outside looking inward it is one of the greatest rags to riches stories. Parallel in some ways to that of the little orphan Annie whose theme song gave the under five years old crew another tune to drone on about in JAY-Z’s catalog other than the ‘Jigga, My Nigga‘ song (which by the way I first heard sung by a five year old holding his mother’s hand while she shopped in the Fulton Mall). Despite his penchant for simple hooks that attract infants and those of us with the same brain capacity, JAY-Z doesn’t rank in the BILLY SUNDAY Top 5 G.O.A.T. crapper list. However, the self-proclaimed G.O.A.T. must owe some serious scrilla to SEAN CARTER.

I am not going to drag this post out for too long just to say that I had an epiphany this past weekend. I finally had the chance to listen to the ‘Grey Album’ and some other classic JAY-Z material. All I heard on these songs was LL COOL J’s inflections and cadence. It dawned on me that JAY-Z has been writing lyrics for LL COOL J for prah’lee at least 15 years. That is definitely SEAN CARTER’s pen work on ‘Boomin’ System’ and ‘Jinglin’ Baby’.

How else could JAY-Z supersede LL COOL J and DMX to ascend to the mythic position of label president? He had to have the leverage of his total writing catalog and not just his affiliation as Mr.BeYONCE KNOWLES. Its become obvious that SEAN CARTER has the business acumen of a Roc-A-Wear wristband for letting the JUELZ SANTANA project cool down and lose momentum while having the GHOSTFACE album damn near delayed until summer. The T.I.’s at Island Records Group which is owned by Universal Music Group, which is owned by General Electric will eventually get around to counting their beans at Def Jam.

So you can expect for JAY-Z to be releasing an album during the third quarter of 2006. Or getting a visit from the terminator, BOBA FETT.

HOE SIT DOWN!

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

I smell pussy!

I have no problem with TRINA dating BABY from CASH MONEY and then getting passed down to his wardie/lover/son LIL’ WEEZIE, but rumors have BENZINO getting his salad tossed by the ‘Diamond Princess’ as well. Additional rumors are that MISSY ELLIOT taught her how to administer a prostate exam. No EFFING homo!

Note to TRINA: Please give your hot pocket a minute to cool off. Adult celibacy can be a restorative, reflective time for you to work on some of your other skills like…

hold my umbrella!
azz cheese all gone

Awright, fuck the celibacy, but please could you at least put the animal print underoos on pause? shouts to CRIZZZUNK.

grrrrrr-animal

KELIS JONES KEEPS IT REAL!!!

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

get it girl

I owe NAS’ wife some credit for “being true to thine self” and also being able to take a joke. Someone must have sent her this DP.Com link.

chewleese

I really owe my homegirl FRESH from Crunk and Disorderly for staying so icy on her grizzly.

2006 2nd Annual HOT AZZ MESS Awards

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

mama combs

SEND US SOME H.A.M.!!!

Despite the stiff competition, The 1st Annual H.A.M. Awards were won by a bunch of pre-op jive turkeys (extra extra BOUTROS BOUTROS BOUTROS no homo to that last sentence and link). We wanted to kick this years contest off a little early so I am asking you to e-mail pictures and websites to BLU CHEEZ so that he can start putting it all together.

MAMA COMBS has already signed on to be one of ghetto celeb judges. By the way, I am really feeling the hair color Mrs.C.

for me to poop on.

The BeYONCE Factor featuring JENNIFER LOPEZ

Sunday, January 8th, 2006

j-e-l-l-o

I haven’t done a BeYONCE Factor in months, but I have been recently smitten with JENNIFER LOPEZ so I figured we should put her through the Factor just to see how she rates. J_LO is already at a disadvantage because her big screen ‘Carmen’ project has just been canned by Hollywood. The studio execs didn’t think that J_Licious had the single-handed star power to turn a profit for that classic love story.

Hollywood needs to wake up and recognize the spending power of the Mexican diaspora. As Americas’ most burgeoning demographic there’s gold up in them thar’ hills. And for all the guys that would love to give a facial to the daughter of their landscaper, JENNIFER LOPEZ is their top choice.

Do you bitches remember how the Factor works?!? We list several titles from BeYONCE songs and see how close our contestant comes to completing the title. BeYONCE would recieve 100 points for each Factor item. O.K. here we go again…

JENNIFER LOPEZ
1) Can you say her name – 0 (as a name, JENNIFER has no street cred)
2) Can she pay her bills – 100 (she is still eating off her ‘In Living Color’ scrilla)
3) Is she a survivor – 100 (J_LO is set to outpace ELIZABETH TAYLOR for number of times married)
4) Does she have a soldier – 100 (more downloads on U.S. Army computers than JENNA JAMESON)
5) Cater to you – 100 (Mexican women are tragically domesticated)
6) Dangerously in love – 150 (arrest record from Club New York shoot out with former beau PIDDY puts J_HO over the top)
7) Bootylicious – 100 (the most selected posterior in the history of anaplasty)

JENNIFER LOPEZ’ BeYONCE FACTOR totals = 650 points

J_LO came damn close to Ms.B, but lets be honest, an arrest record is only for trashy divas.