Archive for September, 2005

DON’T EAT THIS FISH!

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

gramps got the worm

So the big story now is how supermarket fish has near toxic levels of mercury inside of it, raising the possibility that McDonald’s may be healthier than salmon or tuna. Or this headline could be a case of the corporate nazis in OakBrook attempting to start a campaign to rid the world of seafood lovers.

My family has always had a weird relationship with seafood in general. My grandpa was an ex-navy man who loved to go fishing, but everytime he returned home the only thing that he caught was a hooker.

At least we have this photo of gramps to confirm the one time he came home with a fish.

You Can Just Call Him ‘YE’

Monday, September 19th, 2005

Yeezy

I guess we here at the website owe KANYEEZY another apology. His latest album LATE REGISTRATION is prah’lee the best sounding crapper album that I have heard since DE LA SOUL’s last offering, ‘The Grind Date’.

The album has production hints of the groundbreaking ‘The Love Below’ released by OUTKAST a few years ago. There is an elevated sense of instrumentation and rythym that most crap albums don’t have. This isn’t the cookie cutter crap music that uses simple drum beats and sped up samples. This album has a real soul. And it still maintains the staus quo for a rap album by having tons of guest appearances from crappers like JAY-Z, The GAME, COMMON, CAM’RON and the next great white hope, PAUL WALL. My favorite song on the album, ‘We Major’, features NASIR JONES and I think this track may end up a legendary classic.

I don’t mind apologizing when I know that I was wrong. The remix of ‘Diamonds From Sierra Leone’ does explore the brutality of the diamond trade in Africa. I give KANYE more credit for putting that issue on a major label record than for telling America that GEORGE BUSH doesn’t care for Black people.

Maybe I have had it all wrong up to this point. Maybe there is something to be said for wearing tiny leather jackets and pink plaid golf pants.

BRITNEY SPEARS Gives Birth to Bouncing Baby Boy. KANYE WEST is NOT the Father.

Monday, September 19th, 2005

Britneezy and Kanyeezy

Webmistress extraordinaire JACQUI HERNANDEZ owes BILLY SUNDAY a crispy one dollar bill now that news reports have confirmed that pop songstress BRITNEY SPEARS has given birth to a baby boy. The office bet wasn’t whether the child would be a boy or a girl, but on the size of Mrs. SPEARS’ coochbox. JACQUI felt that BRITNEY’s box was oversized from her constant usage of it, but BILLY SUNDAY (who has surprisingly seen some celebrity na-na himself) felt that BRITNEY had a smallish cameo. Since BRITNEY had a C-section, we will award WILLIAM H. with the win on this bet.

BRITNEY is already a proud step-mother to KORI and KALEB JACKSON, the half-jig children of Mrs. SPEARS unemployed husband.

The next office bet is that the baby will be named KANYE.

JAY-Z Goes to Iraq… well, not really

Monday, September 19th, 2005

bang bang

Not quite retired lightskin crapper JAY-Z has decided to go to war. Not to support the beleagured troops in the Middle East, but to battle with other crappers that are speaking of him in ‘greasy’ terms. The T.I.’s at VIACOM owned VH-1 have authorized this story

At some point you would expect JAY to act more like a 40yr. old and let some things just be brushed off his shoulders. I was hoping that JAY-Z and NAS would come together for a collaboration.

The ROC-A-FELLA Guide to Keepin’ Shit GANGSTA!

Monday, September 19th, 2005

Philadelphian gangsta rap artist PEEDI CRAKK offers the website some of the industry insider info that has propelled ROC-A-FELLA Recording artists to the veritable top of the crap game.

CALGON, take me away...

tip #12 – MOISTURIZE

change clothes...

tip #76 – hold spoon to boss’ nutsack daily