Archive for December, 2005

I Blame HIP-HOP…

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

state prop1

By looking at this dude shopping in my local supermercado I should suppose that wearing leg shackles as ankle bracelets will be cool next summer. I know some of you own a piece or two of State Property clothing. All homeboy did was take it to the next next level by leaving his home in a jail suit. The only problem was that the next level that he went to was in the cellar instead of the penthouse.

We are chasing the lowest common denominator because we can no longer imagine anything better for our lives.

stateprop2

At least he is making sure that he eats his vegetables and fruits (no homo).

All Day I Dream About Sneakers…

Monday, December 5th, 2005

notre dame

One of the main reasons that C.S. and I traveled to Paris was to see if I could track down some rare and hard to find sneakers. There is a neighborhood in a Parisian suburb called Cligancourt that my friends tell me resembles the old Delancey-Orchard Street strip from the late 1980’s.

Sure enough, there were leather jacket dealers and sneaker traders everywhere. With no prices marked on the shoes it meant that you could ‘jew’ the dealer down to the price that you both agreed upon. Since I am a Black Hebrew, I have no problem jewing anyone.

There were all kinds of NIKE dunks and Air Max models to choose from, but this trip wasn’t about securing any more NIKE shoes since the swoosh brand and I were looking at being separated (and possibly divorced?). I was on the hunt for a pair of ultra rare ADIDAS. Paris is known to be a hotbed for the German shoe manufacturers products and up to this point I had seen some interesting pieces not yet available in the States. The shoes I wanted though were more than just a pair of collectible sneakers; they contained an incredible history that not too many people know about.

These were shoes worn by the Jamaican bobsled team during the 1976 Summer Games in Montreal.

monty '76

First off I know what you’re thinking… Jamaican bobsled team at the 1976 summer Olympic games?!?!? And normally I would agree with you but that is how sick this story is. Because the games were being played in Canada, the Jamaican boblsed team assumed that there would be snow and therefore it would be their first chance to compete in the games. Can you imagine for just one second how difficult it must have been to practice bobsledding in the sand?

ganja sled

I guess the team had been smoking some of that good sticky icky for them to think there would be snow on the ground in July, even up in Canada, but nonetheless they packed their bags and their sled and headed to Montreal. As word spread on the tiny island that the bobsled team would be competing in the Olympics, several other Jamaican winter athletes were inspired to make the trek as well, in the hopes that they too might secure the ‘big gold coin mon’. How many of you know the story of WINSTON LIVINGSTON, the great steel pan drummer and professional speed skater from Jamaica? He would have shattered all the established records in the Sapporo Japan Games in 1972 if he hadn’t been disqualified for going around the track in the opposite direction.

winston livingston

The real hero, or should I say heroine of the 1976 Olympic Games, was MAVIS BAILEY. She was from a poor little town in the Parish of Saint Andrew called Cockburn. The seaside town was so poor that all of its residents had to share one single pair of shoes. Even though MAVIS was scheduled to compete, the week the games were scheduled wasn’t her week to wear the town shoes, so she had to go to Montreal barefoot.

little mavis

This is where the bobsled team stepped in (pun absolutely intended). MAVIS was favored to win the women’s 200m race and she was perfectly fine running barefoot , but the I.O.C. (the T.I.’s that run that Olympic shit) had mandated that all competitors must wear track shoes. VERNON HERDSMEN, the Jamaican bobsled team’s driver and the only member of the team that wasn’t detained by Canadian customs officials for narcotics possession, was able to lend MAVIS his sneakers so that she could run her race. MAVIS nearly won the gold medal too, but she unfortunately stumbled and fell when the laces from VERNON’s sneakers became untied. Sadly, she ended up finishing in last place.

poor mavis

Even though MAVIS BAILEY returned to Jamaica medaless and shoeless, it is her perserverance that I honor and respect. I found VERNON HERDSMEN’s her ADIDAS shoe at this tiny little sneaker stand run by an angry Arab (yeah, I know, show you a happy one).

MAVIS SL 76

The second best part of the trip was that C.S. and I were back home before they set that sneaker store on fire.

Philadelphia is a PROBLEM

Monday, December 5th, 2005

for the children

A month ago we told you that Philly was the gulliest city in the U.S. Even though Camden, N.J. got the official title of ‘Most Dangerous City’, we all know that the real reason for that is due to Philly knuckleheads crossing the Ben Franklin Bridge to do their dirt in New Jersey.

But from the mouths of babes comes the truth, or at least from their jacket pockets. Some gully Philly mom sent her son to daycare with packages of crack cocaine. It was hard enough to get that little shiite to take a nap, but now he is hitting the walls like a bumper car.

The cherry on top was that the lady’s five year old daughter had a pound of weed in her backpack.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH : G-UNIT’s OLIVIA

Monday, December 5th, 2005

two men and a baby

Why does RuPAUL look hotter than OLIVIA?!?

(SUPER EXTRA JUELZ SANTANA BOUTROS BOUTROS BOUTROS GHALI NO HOMO!!!)

Et Tu AL SHARPTON, Et Tu?!?

Monday, December 5th, 2005

rev al and treach

It seems like the T.I.’s from Viacom (you know, Paramount Studios, MTV, VH-1, the dancing Negro network, etc.) have signed the right REVEREND AL SHARPTON to a sitcom deal. The good Reverend will be played by himself but there are no other details about the programming.

I would like to imagine that the Reverend plays a character who is a reverend who has a son that aspires to be a gangster rapper because he thinks that is the only way to earn a living for a Black male. From week to week the two go back and forth as the Reverend bails his son out of jail and tries to explain to him how there are many other options for his life. I can’t imagine that the Reverend would do something that is counter to his life’s work, but I should have seen this coming a long time ago.

rev al makeover

Over the last ten years he has slowly transformed himself from a public political pariah into someone that everyone wants over their house for dinner. He kicked azz at the Dem National Convention and then everyone kind of forgot about his speech the following day, but he kicked azz nonetheless.

I am just worried that while Rev. AL is producing this show I will have no one to defend me if I get clapped up by the jake DIALLO style.