Archive for July, 2006

MACK ‘N HO SIT DOWN!

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

mack n ho

Cheers to all my readers in the U.K. I hope you guys are enjoying your World Cup victory over Portugal, not. You Brits also have the Wimbledon tennis tournament in full swing. The best story out of Wimbledon so far is how a group of “contractors” skated off with 300 cases of champagne valued at $175k. Too bad it wasn’t Cristal. The other story coming from Wimbledon is the one that I want to focus on.

SERENA WILLIAMS is absent from the tournament to rest her chronically bruised knee. Her sister VENUS had been favored to win the tournament and some people would have liked to see the sisters duel each other again on the grass courts in England. Instead SERENA rehabbed her ailing knee by shopping and making cameo television appearances. This angers the T.I.’s that run this tennis shit, otherwise known as the International Tennis Federation. The T.I.’s then unleashed their T.I. pitbull to bite SERENA on the arse.

mack n ho

Where else could a gifted, yet classless athlete find shelter and even celebrity, but under the T.I. umbrella. JOHN McENROE somehow managed to will himself to several major tennis titles while having nothing more than a bad attitude and a worse sense of timing. JOHN should thank AAUM that his DNA reflects more of JAPHET than HAM or SHEM because his tirades could have made him a mere footnote like DENNIS RODMAN (coincidentally, RODMAN also smashed JODIE FOSTER too).

mack n ho

So now this half of a fag starts to complain that, “if SERENA was worried about her tennis instead of designing clothes, then maybe…

Dear JOHN… Fuck you! CHOCOLATE SHE-HULK will never give you any of her muscular sweaty goodness because you are a fag. In the JAY MARRIOTTI sense of the word.

mack n ho

This is the same prick that critcized JAMES BLAKE for having dreadlocks, and saying that YANNICK NOAH was the only player great enough to wear his hair that way. HO SIT DOWN! That’s enough from your lips JOHN McEN-HOE. Go back to being a nettlesome homo in your little tennis shorts somewhere else. SERENA and VENUS are champs and they would have kicked your whiny azz even when you were the pride of Forest Hills.

mack n ho

I HEART SHE-HULK

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

she hulk

Watching the tournament at Wimbledon this weekend reminded me how much I cram to understand what’s really good with SERENA WILLIAMS. Her sister VENUS is as dope as a bump of Double Dragon (circa Taft housing projects 1993), but SERENA is the truth. And when it’s time to get fly SERENA knows how to step correct.

serena

I remember there were the rumors that she had a slight case of P-funk, but I have to be honest with y’all… I’m kind of into that. Just not too funky. But I dig chicks that can get a little musky and sweaty. In my mind sweat ain’t nothin’ but GOD’s natural lubrication.

serena

I can imagine being in the locker room after she has had a grueling match with some chick that the crowd wanted to win. SERENA is all sweaty and emotionally spent and I start to towel dry her muscular shoulders and behind her neck. I tell her to lift her arms so that I can place the soft cotton towel around and betwen her chest. I massage her as I dry her body to alleviate some of the tension that she has built up. It’s difficult to be SERENA WILLIAMS because everybody wants to see you fail, but she manages to perservere. As I am drying her stomach with the towel, and my arms are wrapped around her, my lips kiss her clavicle. I then begin to suckle upon her neck and work my way up to the soft skin right behind her ear.

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

Damn, Monday morning came quick.

And so did I.

serena

PHYLLIS HYMAN – GODDESS of LOVE

Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

True story is that I was crushing on PHYLLIS HYMAN back in the day. Yeah VANESSA was my first, but I would have gotten my polygamy on with PHYLLIS’ hymen in a hot one. I got a chance to meet her at some formal event that my dad was hosting. Damn she was beautiful and tall. It was like being in the presence of a celestial being. I am over 6ft and her hand was bigger than my ribcage.

In my mind she had the original pained voice that SADE has been getting paid off using. Except PHYLLIS had that voice because she was really in pain. I can relate to depression from cocaine use. It’s wicked bad. You don’t want to get out of bed. All the window shades are pulled down. You take the phone off the hook so you don’t have to hear it ring.

I wish there was someone that she could have talked to in confidence. Someone that could have told her that we loved her not just for her voice, but also for her vulnerability.

Happy birthday sweet goddess. Hurry up this way again.

CRACK was King, CRACK was the KingDevil (ReMix)

Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

jamaica ave

The summer of 1985 was pretty hectic here in NYC. Crack had taken hold of the city by then. Not the imaginary crack of DipSet or G-Unit, but the real crack up in Breevort, up in Taft, up in Baisley, and the 40 Houses. The real crack that forced grandmothers to have to raise their grandbabies. That is, if they weren’t selling crack too. Everyone and their grandma would be selling it because it was in demand that much.

Black neighborhoods were already established as the outposts where you went to get all the vices you craved, because that is how the system works. Just like you might go to a mall or an outlet complex to do your shopping, the drug trade works the same way. These drug outposts are set up and the local people are used to work the outlets. These local people are the last stop in the chain of drug distribution. They aren’t part of the production division which refines these narcotics from farmed plants through a chemicalization process. These local people aren’t part of the transportation division which has to move tremendous amounts of these narcotics over many miles, requiring boats and planes and devices that can accomodate large loads. The local people surely don’t own the factories and manufacturing centers that produce the vials and containers that these narcotics are sold in. These local people aren’t even part of the process that decides which drugs go to which neighborhoods so that the communities may be studied for the long term effects of these drugs. Nope, when it comes to dope the Black communities are just the retail division. The last stop before the consumer.

In 1985, law enforcement made little distinction between the retailer and the consumer when it came to the prosecution of drug possession. The media trumpeted the center city violence that was a by-product of all the money that was up for grabs. This in turn forced the police to come down hard on the local dealers in their efforts to hold press conferences showing Black people criminals were being handcuffed. This is where T.C. and I come in the picture…

T.C. and I were not from the side of the neighborhood that the drug trade was conducted on. Trees lined the streets of our block and most of the houses had detached garages and manicured lawns. LOUIS ARMSTRONG’s house was around the corner as well as radio personality FRANKIE CROCKER and former baseball player TOMMIE AGEE. But even with that relative prestige there was still a call to us from the other side of the neighborhood where the working class people lived. Its almost as if they lived a realer ‘Black’ experience than we did. Nevermind the fact that our parents had struggled to graduate college and squirrel away their pennies to buy their homes. For T.C. and I as well as many middle class Black kids it wasn’t enough for us to have the melanin to confirm our ‘Blackness’. We needed something more.

T.C. and I were friends with a 5% dude named BAR-KIM (R.I.P.) whose government name was BARRY. He was from the other side of the ‘hood. Back in our graffiti days BARRY used the tag name BAR ONE. He always wanted to get up in our black books because he would see the names of writers from places he had never been to. By tagging up in someone’s black book you got to travel to other places. It was a chance to become immortal. T.C. and I now wanted what BARRY had which was the right to stand on the corner. The right to claim a 5ft. square flag of concrete pavement as your own place. When people would pass by BARRY they would acknowledge him and defer to him as though he was the overlord of that corner. BARRY was willing to share his corner with us, but we were going to have to help him with the administrative duties. STAT and LIL’ MIKE were in charge of the opposite corner, but they weren’t as committed as BARRY was. I didn’t think BARRY ever slept because I would see him on that block at every conceivable moment. BARRY had our ticket to street credibility within the neighborhood and he could see that we wanted it badly. One summer weekend BARRY made us an offer. If we would hold down the corner with him, direct traffic and look out for police he would give us a piece of his profit. If we were out there for about 10 hours we could have $50 dollars. In 1985 $50 dollars was a lot of money. Shit, I could use $50 dollars now and its more than twenty years later. The really good money though was in flipping packs. The actual selling of 100 vials of crack. So this was what we wanted to do. To take the express elevator to the top of the game.

Holding down a corner is without a doubt the hardest, most nerve-wracking job that you can ever do. There isn’t a minute to relax. People are steered to you on foot, on bicycle, in cars. You explain to them what you are holding and what the prices are. They have to move quickly and if they take too long to decide you don’t serve them. This teaches them to be decisive and to understand the pace of the block. The big danger were the undercover cops. Their cars were indistinguishable from all the vehicles that passed through the block. The busiest day of the week for them was Tuesday. To this day, I know people who call it ‘Task Force Tuesday’ and they don’t even sell or buy drugs. But even they know.

The lesson that T.C. and I were taught from this experience was how difficult selling drugs is around the people that you grew up with. Crack cocaine was such a powerful drug. The dependency it caused was relentless. The users were rabid and ravenous. I had never registered any of the buyer’s faces before, and I had never been on the block during a pay day either. Everybody was working their piece of concrete. The harried scene was surreal. It was as if crackheads were materializing out of thin air. Then they would disappear from you in the same manner as if the night shadows swallowed up their bodies. BARRY was moving wild amounts of work. He needed T.C. and I to help maintain order among the desperate drug abusers.

Some were returning for the second, third, tenth time that evening. I looked at them as if they were inhuman. It was as if their souls were removed from their bodies. The users were so paranoid that it offended me to witness them. Their constant state of panic annoyed me because I thought that it might be contagious like smallpox. The jittery twitching and repeated scratching wasn’t the only telltale idiosyncracy. These people spoke inaudibly because they were saying 100 words per second. I hated them. I hated their look. I hated their smell.

As the night moved on I found out how spiritually draining it would be to stand on the corner as a profession. We were approached by a tall hooded man with the most godawful filthy jeans on and a ridiculous pair of no name sneakers. There is nothing worse than a bummy crackhead and I was ready to kick this man in the azz just for being a junkie. My attitude changed when I saw the man’s face. He was my little league coach, LESTER TAYLOR. BIG LES was like the coolest motherfucker ever. He was a neighborhood fixture because he had been a college worthy cager back in the day. I remember that BIG LES always had a crispy pair of sneakers on when he came out to the field. I made my mother buy me a pair of Puma cleats because BIG LES always wore suede ‘CLYDE’ Pumas. He was tall and strong and loud and proud. More importantly, he was a really good coach. He never yelled at me when I made errors. He didn’t make fun of me for being a fat kid either. BIG LES didn’t force me to play catcher because in little league baseball the fat kid always has to play the catcher position. How in the world does this guy go from being a teacher, a hero, to being the biggest loser on the planet?

When T.C. saw LES he was as sad as I was. LES head dropped below his shoulders. He realized that we recognized him and his shame became an almost unbearable weight. I watched LES go to BARRY and give him a crumpled ball of cash. BARRY cursed at him for giving him the money in that manner. LES hunched over even further. BARRY told him that he wasn’t going to give him another sale unless he brought money that hadn’t already been used to wipe someone’s ass. LES skulked away into the darkness without raising his head to look back at T.C. or me.

Seeing LES that night was actually like going to my very first funeral. That little kid that played third base in little league was killed that night. I had to grow up now and remove the cover of innocence that had shielded me up to this point. Seeing LES made me angry at him for being a drug abuser. I became angry with myself for ever giving him the respect of an older brother. I was angry with BARRY, STAT and MIKE and all the other kids that sold crack. My anger became self-destructive and I turned it onto other people. I needed an outlet to vent. New York City was a big place. It almost wasn’t big enough to contain me.

Mommy, What’s a Hipster? (ReMix)

Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

hipsters

The new Negro Intelligentsia (BYRON CRAWFORD and The Assimilated Negro) have weighed in on this topic and since I live in the heart of ‘HipsterLand’ properly known as Brooklyn New York, I thought I should contribute something to the discussion.

The Hipster phenomena isn’t exclusive to New York City although we are the Hipster capital (sort of like the place where the Hipsters convene and create their memoranda). They have spread to cities like Philadelphia, Boston, Baltimore, Atlanta, Washington D.C. and Detroit. I see them on a level with other cults groups like the Jehovah Witnesses and Hare Krishnas. They populate low income minority neighborhoods because the property values are so diminished they are able to buy expansive buildings. In middle income neighborhoods the same property would be double+ the cost. The Hipster typically furnishes his/her property with items discarded by the local neighborhood residents. In this manner they are perceived by the locals as being less well off than they are and this brings them into the affections of the local residents. The Hipster diet consists solely of non-menthol cigarettes and cheap domestic beer. Hipster attire is often an amalgamation of items that have been salvaged from local trashbins and the more oft than not thrift store purchase. Hipsters give each other kudos on how inexpensive and uncoordinated their outfits are. For instance, Brad will tell Becky how splendid her patined-leather galooshes look with her woolen overalls. She will compliment him likewise and he will say that he spent $.56 on his entire ensemble.

I am not knocking Hipsters for their apparent devaluation of materialism. Their heads are in the right places when it comes to securing property on the cheap. Lesbian hipsters are famous for starting neighborhood gardens in the vacant lots adjoining their properties.

lezbo hipsters

By living in these low income minority neighborhoods the Hipsters acquire what they percieve to be an intimacy with the lifestyles and values of the locals. Thereby removing themselves from the possibility of being labeled as intolerant when they adorn their automobile with a Confederate flag. The Hipsters are simply mocking the intolerance that symbol represents, while simultaneously mocking the need for people to place flags of any kind on an automobile. I fully understand and appreciate the irony that Hipsters are trying to express. To that extent I have created a line of tee shirts that also uses irony to hopefully foster some kind of understanding.

I have sold only four so far, but if you enjoy this website, and you have a keen understanding of irony, I would love for you to help me ‘KILL WHITE TEE!

KILL WHITE TEE!