New York City has hosted many legendary parties over the years. One of the greatest Hip-Hop parties never played any rap music, but you were just as likely to see A-list producers and industry heads up in there on the regular. The party was called ‘Soul Kitchen’ and that is what was on the menu all night. Classic funk and soul music that was being sampled by the best producers from New York to Los Angeles blared from the speakers. The hosts of the party provided free fried chicken to all of the party goers that got there early enough and whichever venue held the party also sold quarts of Colt 45. We were sure that Hip-Hop was going to change the world. The only problem is that we were also smoking three or four White Owl blunts a night and occasionally popping an orange barrel, but gottdammit we could buy a quart of that BILLY DEE for only $3 bucks.
Eventually Soul Kitchen would stop being the spot and we would finally have to face the facts that Hip-Hop was just music that filled up a broader consumer lifestyle. As rappers spoke on consuming luxury items Heinekins and Coronas kicked malted liquors to the curb, relegating them to has-been crackhead status. This post is an homage to all of the brands that I have sampled through my years as a high school dropout, journalistic wannabe.
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OLDE ENGLISH 800 O.E. is the gold standard for malt liquors. It has a nice even taste and is palatable when warm, like say about 9a.m. after you have finally awoken and you have to go to work and there is still a couple of White Castles left on the kitchen counter and you realize that half a blunt is still sitting in the ash tray. By the way, who is that chick in the bedroom?!? |
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COLT 45 Colt Fo’ Fizzle never really got the props it deserved for being as smooth as it was. It was like drinking water, but after two or three tall cans you were hit in the face. Try not to take a piss on this stuff because once the seal is broken you might as well just stay in the bathroom. |
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CRAZY HORSE True story is that the Native American called CRAZY HORSE was some kind of wild activist against alcohol and its effects on Native American peoples. That’s why you can never trust white. As soon as you are dead they flip your legacy into his story. If Crazy Horse is what we drunk before going to a Hip-Hop party, someone was going to get duffed out crazily that night. |
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PRIVATE STOCK My homie COMBAT JACK always talks about how good Private Stock was. Truth is that it was aiiight, but it’s always a smart move to let the chicks see you with something different in your hand than O.E. |
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BALLANTINE ALE This was my brand for flipping the script and going classy with it. Ballantine was hearty too. Where as you needed at least two O.E.’s to get pissy, one and a half Ballantines’ would put you on the path to Negro nonsense. |
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MIDNIGHT DRAGON Hide the women and children. The first time that I ever got crackhead stoned off alcohol was prah’lee after having a forty ounce of this shit. It is deadlier than that bumwine called Cisco. I remember being in a whorehouse on Roosevelt Avenue with T.C. and I threw up all over the waiting room. We were kicked out and T.C. laughed at me all the way home. That’s what you get for drinking a .99cent forty. |
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CHAMPALE If you have never had Pink Champale you have never lived. Fuck all of that Moet Nectar and all that other bullshit that costs $50 a bottle. At the end of the evening it is all going into the sewer anyhoo. Nah’Mean?!? |
