Archive for August, 2006

ELIOT SPITZER For GOVERNOR! (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

time to get pizzaid

That’s right bitches, I am officially ready to sell out.

But I am doing it in order to help DALLAS PENN continue the good work that is this website. With gas prices on a steady incline and all sorts of other inter-related costs on the rise I have heard through the grapvine that DP.Com may dissolve before it’s first birthday. That means that I will have to go back to writing an e-mail blast that no one ever reads. That means that all of the DP.Com video projects that are in pre/post production as well as the ADDICT website will be folded. I love this webshiite more than a shwarma sammich with a side of babaghanouj so I will do everything in my power to keep it “in the Black.”

The New York Times ran an article today about New York State gubernatorial hopeful Attorney General ELIOT SPITZER having a campaign war chest of some $20million dollars. This amount dwarfs all of the Republican candidates combined by some… twenty million dollars. What ELIOT SPITZER needs now is a ‘political consultant’. To this extent I am willing to offer my services(N.H.) to Governor Attorney General SPITZER to help propel his campaign into the top spot in Albany. I know that I haven’t got any of the credentials that your typical political consultant might have like say, a college degree, but I’ve got chutzpah dammit. And I have a .pdf file of the daily schedule from KARL ROVE’s palm pilot.

So what would KARL ROVE do? After choking his mother with a pillow at 9:00am and drinking the bone marrow from a newborn baby at 10:00am, he would plot a kick azz strategy that would be much more about reminding folks of their emotional baggage than telling them what they really need to get by. To that extent I would prah’lee further criminalize Blacks and Muslims. I know that seems to be the cheap and easy way out, but I was going to use this campaign strategy for the almost Republican candidate RANDY DANIELS before the upstate G.O.P. bosses frowned on the thought of a jig Governor in the Albany statehouse. Damn Randy we wuz’ close!

alt reality gov

Anyhoo, I know that I called the good and just Attorney General ELIOT SPITZER an ‘invisible man‘ due to his marked disappearance from the political radar during the NYC transit strike, but that was way back in the past and I think that bygones should be bygones. Middle Passage?!? Is that a hallway in the center of a building? Who knows? All I know is that $20 million dollars is a lot of money to jump out of the gate with. Governor Attorney General SPITZER’s closest competitor for the Dem nod is Nassau County’s Executive THOMAS SUOZZI. To be truthful, the only thing that SUOZZI has going for him is the fact that since HUGH CAREY in 1974, the last name of New York’s Governor usually ends with a vowel.

But all of that history won’t be enough to stop the SPITZER Express once BILLY SUNDAY is hired as a ‘consultant’. I promise I will get the jig vote out. How about a party at Cipriani hosted by PIDDY and AL SHARPTON?

rev al

I am pretty sure that I can get one or two of the jigs from that show ‘The Apprentice’ to come through and holler at the peoples. Plus a song from MARY J. BLIGE, everybody loves M.J.B. The long suffering Negro spiritual R&B has pretty much replaced the space that the Black church once held as the barometer for jig morality. And nobody cries more than Mary.

m.j.b.

I will line up all of this talent to secure the African American vote for only $150K and this includes an open bar from 6:00pm until 7:00pm.

Governor SPITZER, holler at your boy!

DALLASPENN.COM: 2006 BLACK WEBLOG AWARDS NOMINEE

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

2006 black weblog awards

I’m still a little shocked that this site was nominated for any category within the 2006 Black Weblog Awards program since we are so new to the scene. It seems like we’ve garnered a loyal following in our almost one year of web existence. The only way I can think of repaying the readership is by continuing to post the content that makes this site fun and provacative.

Shouts to all of the other nominees and shouts to all of the readers out there that give our lives some purpose. Without y’all I’m just a homeless guy talking to himself on the street.

HAPPY MOTHER’s DAY… (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

mothers day

I hope that all of y’all are doing something special with your OLD EARTH today. When I say OLD EARTH you understand that I am referring to DUKES a/k/a ‘NANNA a/k/a MURR a/k/a _______________ [you fill in name]. I owe so many mothers some love today that I think the rest of May should have me bringing someone flowers. Without these loving mothers and women I wouldn’t be here today talking my talk. So if you don’t mind I would like to put something in the atmosphere for the ears of the great GOD. Thank you…

Mom(first and foremost), Mrs. SHERIE GOLD-BROWN, Mrs. RENEE BANKS, Mrs. VIOLA BROWN, Mrs. BERYL O’LOUHGLIN, Mrs.MARY EDMONDS, Mrs. FRANCIS GRIFFITH, REVEREND BENNETT, Mrs. PAT RICHARDSON, Mrs. WILLIAMS, Mrs. WASHINGTON, Mrs. SIFONTES, Mrs HARRIS, Mrs. RICHARDS, Mrs. CORTES, Mrs. DECARAVA

I love you…

I love all of the women that I know that aren’t mothers too. You will be one day and you will have the responsibility of teaching some rascally ne’er-do-well like myself that the world is mine. Not to be abused or manhandled, but to be cherished and respected. You will teach me to appreciate my life and the lives of others. The biggest responsibility that you future mothers will hold is to teach the children to love. In the end, love is all that we have to give.

smooth

A True Life Love Story…

My biological dad died when I was four years old and that was the last time that I would see his mother, my grandmother. I couldn’t remember her face if you gave me a picture of her, but I remembered where she lived. Her Manhattan apartment building had a playground in front of it. There were monkey bars and a see saw. Call me crazy but I also remember my dad playing with me in the playground. The apartment building was that 1960’s tan industrial brickface. It must have been pretty and shiny when it was first constructed. Time and New York City traffic have sooted the bricks into an almost graphite hue. I remember this building like it was yesterday.

Except it wasn’t yesterday, it was 15 years later and I hadn’t seen my grandmother, my aunts, my uncles or my cousins in all of that time. Even though we lived in the same city. Then one day I was with T.C. sneaker shopping on Essex Street. We crossed over to the south side of Delancey Street. We were looking for that exclusive sneaker crack that the Delancey Street strip was world famous for. The thing about Manhattan today, and forever, is that it is this place of infinitely imaginable possibilities. If you can think about it then it prah’lee exists in Manhattan. If not Harlem, then surely Chinatown, but it exists and you can find it. As we walked down Essex Street I recognized the apartment building on the corner of Grand Street. I told T.C. that was the building that my dad’s mother lived in. I told him that I had not seen her since I was four and here I was going on 21yrs old. T.C. in his matter of factly attitude said I should go see her. I didn’t think too much of it but I looked back at the building one last time just to confirm all the memories that it was invoking.

After T.C.’s death there were a few promises that I wanted to keep to him. One of them was to go visit my dad’s mother on the Lower East Side. She had the same phone number after all of those years. I introduced myself, “Hello, good afternoon is this Mrs. MARY EDMONDS?” She replied a little curtly as if she were annoyed, “Yeah, who’s this?” My answer was, “This is DALLAS, your son DALLAS’ son, DALLAS.” The line went quiet for a few seconds. When she spoke again her voice was trembly and unsure. “H-h-how are you?” she asked me. “I’m okay,” was my reply, “and I’m downstairs around the corner on Delancey”. She paused for a moment and then decided to invite me upstairs to her apartment.

She had the apartment of a grandmother. It was neat but it was filled with so many interesting artifacts. Thousands if not millions of pictures seemed to occupy the bookshelves and cabinets that were in her living room. There were all kinds of fixtures and trinkets that had their heydays in another generation. My grandmother wasn’t too tall and she wasn’t too short. She had all of her teeth in her mouth so that allowed me understand her clearly. She didn’t seem too old to me. Not grandma old. But she was old, and she was sick. My grandmother had been discharged from Beth Israel hospital just the day before. She had been in the hospital for more than a month receiving treatment for her liver condition. Grandma didn’t expect to leave the hospital standing up, and neither did her doctors.

She quietly stared at me for so long as I told her about my life up to that point. I was a little confused about why I never heard from her or saw her for all of these years. My grandma explained to me that my father was the eldest of her thirteen children. He wasn’t the first to die. She would bury five of her own children. She had spent the last twenty years in a manner similiar to the twenty years previous to that. She was an alcoholic and by now her body was ravaged and on the cusp of a total shutdown. Grandma had actually slipped into a coma during her stay in the hospital. She apologized to me for never writing to me for Christmas or my birthday.

darryus

My grandma went into her bedroom and when she came back out into the living room she had a hand drawn portrait of me that she said my father did. True story is that I didn’t have a moustache on that day and the drawing looked just like me. Round Charlie Brown head and all. She didn’t have any other picture of me and she said she kept that to remind her of me. My grandma was funny and frank. I like when you hear old people talk with profanity. I spent the evening at her apartment while she called all of my fathers’ siblings that lived in New York. I felt a little weirded out because I couldn’t remember a single one of these people, and they all looked at me as if they had seen me before. I went back to my apartment that night with a strange sense of completion. In my mind I believe that T.C. was in the sky with DALLAS making sure that everything popped off right.

I visited my grandma after that night and we even went out a couple of times. We went to the circus because she said he had never been before and we went to see that play at the Beacon Theater called “God’s Trying To Tell You Something”. The Beacon Theater hosts all those chitlin circuit prouction that have made TYLER ‘Teh Ghey’ PERRY so nigger-rich and ‘hood famous. I can’t remember what the play was about, but my grandma liked it and I liked the fact that I could do something for her. As sassy as the characters in those plays are is how sassy my grandma was. She chided me for being fat and that made me feel a kind of way. I felt like giving her a snappy retort about alcohol, but for once in my life my mouth didn’t engage. So I spent the rest of the night stewing because I had been ‘ethered’ by my grandma.

My birthday was coming up and my grandma asked me what I would like. Since she didn’t have a dough like that I told her that I didn’t want anything at all, but she wouldn’t have that answer. Sha asked me what cake I liked to eat, since I obviously liked to eat. Dohh! Ethered again by a senior citizen. I told her that I only liked one cake and that was strawberry shortcake. My grandma said she would make me one for my birthday. When my birthday came grandma called me up and told me to come and get my cake. I was a little nervous about the whole thing, but my mom told me that when she was married to DALLAS it was Mrs.EDMONDS that taught her how to cook. That had been her profession when she had worked and she was more ‘hood famous than that cross-dressing cupcake.

I don’t know what to tell y’all other than the fact this cake was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The puffy, soft angel food layers were tripled stacked and each layer was covered in strawberries and hand made whipped cream. The way she had cut the strawberries, and the hand made whipped cream… If you ever have hand made whipped cream that is doubled or tripled whipped then you can imagine what my grandma’s cake tasted like. I normally bull doze through my food but I took my time with this cake. It took me about two weeks to finish. The last pieces I would enjoy only having one bite per day. As I can remember my grandma’s present right now think I just got a piece of dust in my eye.

I called my grandma to thank her for the cake and to just say hi. My aunt DONNA picked up the phone and when I asked to speak to my grandma she told me that MARY EDMONDS had died two days ago.

That present was what was left of my grandma’s life essence. She gave that to me as her gift for not seeing me for all of those years. I honestly don’t fault her because the memory that I keep in my mind is the playground in front of her building and her hand made triple layer strawberry shortcake. True story.

The Secret War On The Old EARTH (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

the old earth

An article in the March ’06 Harpers Magazine exposed the genocidal griminess of the medical industrial complex. The article opened with the story of a working class mother from Memphis who was pregnant and coerced into taking an HIV test. She received a false positive and since the doctors didn’t administer a back up test she was labeled to have HIV. Fearful that she would pass the HIV to her yet unborn child she agreed to become part of a clinical trial that was using a combination of anti-HIV drugs. What she and the other women in this trial were not told was that the drugs that they would be receiving were actually pathogens. Designed to break down the immune system by giving it toxins that the body would have to fight. The duration that these toxins needed to destroy their host was the true subject of the study.

This particular woman, JOYCE ANN HAFFORD, a healthy 33yr. old probably didn’t have HIV, but she had the disease with the deadliest combinations of symptoms inside of America. She was a Black, single, working-poor mother. Mrs.HAFFORD used the HIP centers and the free clinics that so many of us rely upon inside of our cities. When you are uninsured and unable to afford the services provided at a private practice you become the human equivalent of a test animal. In the case of Mrs.HAFFORD, her demise was from massive organ failure and not AIDS.

Pharmaceutical companies, with the blessings of the Federal Drug Administration and the National Institutes of Health use urban health clinics to sample thousands of proposed trial medications. Many of these trials test the levels at which patients can consume lethally toxic drugs. This is far worse than the Tuskeegee study which was about administering a debilitating, albeit non-lethal, dose of syphillis to men and analyzing the effects over time.

The drugs used in these trials were known for their rampant toxicity. AZT in a branded combination called Combivir was lauded for the test tube trials in which it killed HIV-infected blood cells and prevented them from replicating. The truth is that AZT prevents all cells from reproducing and kills all cells especially healthy ones is not the info that is put on the table. Instead I see MAGIC JOHNSON doing ads for pharmacuetical giant Glaxo-SmithKline. This is the same company that has been sued by African nations for price gouging on its medical patents. Apparently the only drugs that Glaxo will give away for free are the ones that will kill you quickly.

What is also becoming apparent is that HIV/AIDS does not have a clear definition or symptomology. Did you know that depending on what country in Africa you are from determines your presumed HIV status? The World Health Organizations give pharmaceutical giants free reign to distribute any trial medications throughout the continent. I can accept the genocide that is waged daily on African peoples in Africa because I am not over there. I will not accept the genocide that is being administered on intraveneous drug users and Black women right here in my community. When you watch OPRAH this afternoon peep how many commercials she runs for prescription drugs. You better believe someone is making her rich when she says that down-low Black men are responsible for the spike in African American women contracting HIV. EDDIE MURPHY can’t be having sex with everybody. OPRAH is going to have to stop co-signing these pharmaceutical companies on the one hand and then posing as a champion of Black womanhood on the other side.

Pharmaceutical giants, the FDA and the National Institutes of health are fighting a secret war against the old Earths. Will you take a stand?

rest in peace mrs.francis

SOLEMATE: A BILLY SUNDAY Love Story (2006 B.W.A. Nominee)

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

I see her every morning...

I see her every morning. Actually, every morning that I get to the Junction Blvd. elevated by 8:13 a.m. She is probably going to work. I think she is an advertising executive’s assistant account director or a mutual fund investment coordinator because she looks slightly conservative and yet stylishly casual.

classy lady

Her handbags are the kind that always end with a vowel sound, like Gucci or Prada. Even the ā€œsā€ in Hermes is silent. Friday, is when she can get a little funky. She might wear some high-end designer name brand clothing that advertises it’s manufacturer, but only discreetly. You know the initials of that New-Age Buddhist stockbroker lady from Long Island(dkny) or that colorfully homosexual Italian guy who was shot up in Miami(versace).

standard weekday style

To complement her clothing my lady friend will flip her hairstyle also. I can see her transform a French curl, the standard weekday style, into jhiggy little Shirley Temple twists. I love when she changes the color in her hair. Light streaks of cherry or blond make me stare. Just to confirm in my mind that it’s her under those curls. Damn, I almost looked for too long. I try not to offend my lady friend with too much eye contact. I would not want to frighten her away to another position on the platform or worse another time altogether. That would be devastating. I don’t know that I could build this passion, this amorous devotion with another woman other than her. What infatuates me the most about this particular woman is her shoes.

her shoes...

She must have at least ninty-one pairs of shoes in her closet. Business flats with the one and a half inch heel to back breaking four inch pumps. Riding boots, ankle boots and even cute little Timberland workboots. I pretty much know her shoe rotation too. She starts the week off rather slow. A pair of heeled loafers in black or brown. The following day may find me looking down at her square-toed calfskin boots. The ones with the stitched flap over the forefoot, and the stacked heel so high and flat that MY own back hurts just from looking at those boots.

backbreaking riding boots

Is it any coincidence that hump day is usually addressed in a set of heels with a shine so tight they look as if they are made of glass. Her funky walk up the subway stairs to the street allows me the chance to steal a glimpse at the bottom of her shoes. Sometimes the soles are so new that I can faintly smell the calfskin leather. Mmmm…

strappy love

I’ll be honest with you and tell you why I love the summer so much. This woman will take me to my limit by wearing some strappy black sandals. They let her toes stand out, wrapped up by spaghetti thin leather. Her feet are strong and firm . They are tanned an exquisite bronze-copper blend. A simple anklet dangles. I flirt often with her feet. Sometimes they flirt back at me. Like that day she had on these thick- heeled, cream- coloured, peek-a-boo mules with a French polish on her toenails. The silver trim on top of the white edge of the the polish made every toe look as if they were all smiling right at me. I think I can remember blushing right then and there.

I see her...

I see her every morning. Actually, every morning that I get on the E train at the sixth car, second set of doors. She is headed downtown to work. She isn’t going all the way down to Wall Street or the World Trade Center,maybe West Broadway. She looks too cool for the conformist confines of the financial district, yet she is to far too intelligent to be a receptionist in the Village. I love the way she folds her New York Times into this little rectangle so that you can’t read her paper. Or she will be completely absorbed by a paperback as she grips a handrail. Amidst the throng of commuters I can see her hands…

I see her...

They are well manicured, delicate and feminine. The polish isn’t gaudy or garish. Most of the time it is just a clear coat. I even think that she was the first woman to wear those metallic tones. The fingernails are not long either. She must do some kind of work because her nails are a responsible length. I have also taken note that this young woman does not over accessorize. A ring, a bracelet, a watch is the most she may wear.

her hands...

I picture her to be an earthy woman. Not pretentious or super-materialistic. I try to imagine her smile when I give her a dozen long-stem roses. A flash of brilliance from perfectly angled teeth. Her parents knew well enough to get her braces when she was young. She laughs in an uninhibited manner at my cornball thoughts. She can even act interested when I discuss the stress and strain of the internal politics at my office. I always knew she was this beautiful inside, because of her feet. Her gifted, glorious feet and those appendages called toes.

I see her feet

I have never been so enamored with the curvature of a foot. The gentle radius of the ankle. The elliptical perimeter around the forefoot. The sublime arc at the instep. There is an undisclosed geometry that she has about her. When she wears her mahogany suede mini-heels and these opaque brown stockings, the shoes look almost tangent with her leg. The effect is like two long brown boots.

long brown legs

Going back to my mathematical reference helps me understand why I have never approached this young lady. She intimidates me, much like arithmetic does. I am scared that she will be as complex as calculus, and more importantly, I know I don’t have the right formula.

I see her...

Who would want someone as incomplete and unattractive as me? Not this fine young lady. But maybe, just maybe she is interested in a project. Maybe she has conquered all the obstacles in her male dominated world and she is ready to accept the challenge of creating a man that can provide her with all of the necessary requirements that she desires in a partner.

I can see her...

Maybe she will just let me clean her shoes? That is all I could ask for. One chance to give her fuzzy nubuck wedge the buffing of a lifetime. I would use my tongue to touch her soft, supple sole, until it found satisfaction from my action.

I see her...

Lexington Avenue arrives so suddenly that I barely have time to gather my thoughts and my belongings. I make my way to the Uptown local train’s platform. My timing is impeccable and I systematically scramble for the rear of the third car from the front. The time is 8:51 a.m.

I see her every morning. Actually, every morning that I ride the Eighth Avenue local….

I see her...