Archive for November, 2006

Most Rappers Simply Die Tryin’…

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

tkc

Editor’s note: To conclude DP dot com’s first evah guest blogger week I return to my new old friend, TONY’s KANSAS CITY. His insightful and pointed wit is why I enjoy reading the news on his blogsite, even if it’s about Kansas City. A town that didn’t even get any money in the go-go BILL CLINTON era. So even though Kansas City is a one horse town, and that one horse is blind with a screw in it’s ankle, TONY captures the truth of his city’s disenfranchisement as it is a microcosm for any mega-urban centre. TONY studies the details, and those are the techniques that make for the best economists, painters and writers. Sit back and enjoy a little bit of TKC truth aptly titled…

MOST RAPPERS SIMPLY DIE TRYIN’
While it’s true that cRap music has made Russell Simmons rich so that he can send alimony checks to that bitch ass Kimora, I think Janet Jackson and her publicly flaunted right titty said it best when they asked the following: “What have you done for me lately?”

Put simply, if you aren’t already a rap music mogul but you’ve listened to Hip-Hop your whole life then odds are you’ve given what amounts to thousands of dollars to make sure that P. Diddy can eat oysters with Condoleeza Rice and Kevin Federline with only the benefit of a handful of decent singles and a few recycled riffs from the 70’s as your compensation.

What’s more, we all know that there is very little room at the top of the rap game and public acclaim for today’s top selling artist could change faster than a failing U.S. military strategy in Iraq.

To make this situation even more depressing than old photos of Biggie at a salad bar, you must realize that all across the country there are people known as “local rappers” (ugh) who never learned that almost everything on TV is fake. These poor kids have Hip-Hop dreams and most of them are doomed to fail… While that doesn’t make them any different than most of the population and their failed dreams; cRap music has a whole different level of disappointment that it brings to the table to crush the spirit of those who want to make a living increasing the profit margins of multi-national media corporations and thereby supporting Summer Redstone’s lazy ass kids.

To wit, let’s take a quick look at those people who never sold enough records to be has beens. Yep, it’s hard to believe that the “never-was” category in terms of Hip-Hop contains so many violent deaths. It’s almost interesting in comparison to failed professional athletes who generally leave nothing more than bastard babies in their wake and usually land on their feet with a coaching job at some po’dunk high school.

The first minor league rapper in recent memory whose greatest hit was the one contracted on him was almost certainly Mac Dre. Poor guy had a decent following until he was repeatedly capped in Kansas City over dumbass gang violence that rap fans aren’t allowed to snitch on or hear about in any other place but Hip-Hop message boards, hints in cRap magazine articles and new mixtapes. I only listen to yacht rock so most of this garbage doesn’t concern me but I find it a far cry from country music hopefuls (I’m from Kansas City) who primarily destroy their own livers if fame doesn’t whisk them away to fantastic heights. Additionally, I think the whole rap feud phenomenon deserves a closer look because obviously in-fighting and cattiness exists in almost every field of expression but only the corrupt and stereotypical culture of present day Hip-Hop celebrates it with such enthusiasm especially when it goes nuclear. There’s got to be a reason other than simply blaming Black people… Even though I guess that’s probably good enough. But I digress.

KC Rapper Fat Tone was killed in Vegas last year in what many people suspected was retribution for Mac Dre’s death even though Tone was never implicated in the shooting.

Also, let’s not forget Proof getting peeled off the streets of Detroit far away from anywhere someone would consider an epicenter of cRap music distribution. I know, I know there is a thriving Hip-Hop community of cRappers in Detroit, most of whom have a better shot at playing for the Pistons.

And that’s basically my point: There is a significant number of people in this country who are literally dying to be a part of the rap game but instead end up as tragic footnotes. I wonder if someday, someone will find a way to memorialize them. I suggest something along the lines of baseball cards only instead of gum you get a voucher toward a bullet proof vest.

tkc hammer

Finally, to further illustrate the ridiculous levels of violence in the Hip-Hop community I’d like to point you toward the recent case of a rapper in Lawrence, Kansas (that’s right) who was recently killed. Lawrence is a college town and other than the occasional date rape there isn’t much excitement in the sleepy hideaway for privileged white kids. But reality always has a scary way of creeping into the most elaborate of fantasy worlds. Word to 9-11. And now a great many Lawrence rap fans (that phrase makes me want to laugh too) have been confronted with the scary notion that the larger Hip-Hop community is familiar with as well: There are legions of Rappers who are literally dying to entertain the masses. And in the end, while it ain’t exactly Halliburton and KBR… I have to think that any moderately educated Hip-Hop fan might see this situation as eerily similar to the “culture of death” that was noted by Pope John Paul II who, as you probably know, was a huge fan of breakdancing.

5 DAYS UNTIL ‘KINGDOM COME’…

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

rocafella

Show that nigga DAME DASH some respect for creating the JAY-Z character based on that hustler from Harlem World called A.Z.

Just because DAME DASH is a cultural hustler and a parasite to the community doesn’t mean that we can’t recognize how well he formed the ROC-A-FELLA brand based on a stable of artists anchored by JAY-Z.

By the way, is there still a ROC-A-FELLA brand?!?

THE NEW CLASSICS…

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

wingman

The ADDICT wants to give a shout out to my dude ‘LO-CAL. Homeboy has been sitting on the O.G. Tigerhead varsity jacket with the leather sleeves and script chest.

I offered dude three bills for the joint but he hasn’t really been motivated to come up off that I.T. What do y’all think I should put on the table for an outright cash trade?

Take no offense, but don’t bother to answer this if you aren’t into the ‘lifestyle’.

That’s Ms. Dewey To You!

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

nookie

Editor’s note: We finally get to hear from the person responsible for building this website. JACQUI HERNANDEZ is one of my closest and most trusted friends. She rode with me when I went to attack ESSENCE for perpetuating racism. We both knew how lucky we were that we made it out of their building alive. JACQUI understands all the nuts and bolts stuff about computers, but she also understands that computers are tools like hammers and shovels. Some of us will use them to dig through dirt and unearth truth and some of us will use them to get our virtual bang on. Whatever is clever with JACQUI and we’re lucky whenever she stops by to help us clean up our hard drive.

janina

Hey DP,

I know you’ve been after me for a minute to do more than enjoy the slap of usb cables ’round my ankles, so I figured I’d drop this by your way.

Check this chica out:

www.msdewey.com

She’s a sassy, non-Mexican broad who manages to be both funny and sharp. I snorted with laughter at her response when I put your name on blast. And though she’s got plenty of snark to go around (type “soccer” in the search field), you still want to know what she’s wearing on her feet.

Personally, I found her most amusing when I typed “blowjob” in the search function. Homegirl informed me it was illegal in 33 states to even think such a thing BUT when I typed “cunnilingus” she reeled me in, whipped out her riding crop and with a knowing eyebrow [thwack] noted that it is in a girl’s best interest [thwack] to always be prepared. [Thwack.]

Ms. Dewey is apparently gunning for JLo, circa 2001.

Naturally, nothing this delicious comes without strings. Turns out Ms. Dewey is actually linkbait to trick poor unsuspecting geeks sitting in their parent’s basement, sipping KoolAid through a silly straw, into using Microsoft’s live search engine. It’s part of their global offensive against all things Google in the battle for dominance on the galactic stage known as The Internets. Though she covers for her corporate daddy well (try searching for “white house” or “war”), one can tell she has a clear preference for the Redmond boys in pleated khakis (you know I’m no fan of the Gates empire, but still this made me laugh).

And she’s not even virtual! Which suddenly puts everything in perspective. How advanced can Microsoft product be if it has to rely on a yet another ethnically ambiguous d-list fake lesbian to sell its search engine? I mean come on, she’s not even not real?!??!?

Most probably, Microsoft chose her because she was able to authentically tap into the whole “street vernacular” that’s popular with the kids these days. Must come from growing up near a prison. Who knew that the Hindi rap game was so hard?

In the end, I’m not hating on Ms. Dewey nee Gavankar, ethnically ambiguous though she may be. Frankly, my greatest satisfaction came from figuring out how to stump her cold.

I would tell you how, but then where’s the fun in that? After all, cada menina tem seus segredos, vocĂȘ sabe…

Ciao,
Harry

40 DAWG a/k/a TOMKAT’s LOVE CHILD…

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

40 dawg

Editor’s note: Continuing this week of giving shine to the people that pitched in when I was about to do my best SPALDING GRAY off the Staten Island Ferry impression, is someone that we have become familiar with in the last couple of months. Like myself, he uses many aliases for many reasons, but those of us inside the football pool refer to him as 40 DIESEL a/k/a “The DNA lab clone of SHAQUILLE O’NEAL and VIN DIESEL”. In his never ending quest to uncover the Cliff notes to the meaning of life 40 has been many things to many people…

40 DAWG a/k/a TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLME’s LOVE CHILD
I got a secret guys that I’ve been keeping for too long. True story… And since I’ve been embraced by the family and friends here at DP dot com Im’a keep it one hunnit with you. I’ve never been much of a spiritual man, church always bored me and was rather hypocritical. The whole eight days of gifts on Hanukkah enticed me but then I realized I had to give up my Friday nights. There was my stint as Almighty Drewpreme Magnetic God Allah which was short circuited being caught sharing a bacon, egg, and cheese with this cute Italian snowflake Antonella BonGiovanni. Rastafari always intrigued me but the vegetarian thing doesn’t help when you’re a 6’7″ 340 lb offensive tackle. So I wandered on… Searching to have this spiritual void filled I read, labored and studied… I agonized and fasted… I abstained and looked for a sign and then one day I found the answer. SCIENTOLOGY.

I’ve always been fascinated with the book DIANETICS which was a staple commerical during my grandmother’s (NANA R.I.P.) soap operas which she endearingly called “her stories”. I never thought much about it as I got older and saw the commercial less, but in recent years with Hollywood types flocking to it like brothers in the hoosegow to Islam, I figured “Why not”. So in 2003 I copped the book, and was engrossed in its life lessons and teachings. It touched both my intellectual/scientific side as well as answering spiritual questions and musings on the unknown. I decided to buy the farm and throw my full weight behind this phenomenon, plus being able to hobnob with a few Hollywood A-listers at the annual picnic was a perk of the faith. Finally after years of studying I was to be inducted at their yearly Saturnalia festival. I was told that I was to be reborn and my spirit would be transferred in to a new pure vessel. I can’t divulge the secrets of the ceremony, but I did find the “happy ending” at times both odd, and exhilarating.

Earlier this summer I got a letter in the mail that informed me that my “rebirth” has been completed and would be a monumental event. I was to be reborn as…

SURI CRUISE.

40 dawg suri