Archive for December, 2006

JIG WORDS

Sunday, December 10th, 2006

jig words

Byron Crawford Stand Up! (nullus)

Thanks to COMBAT JACK’s ethering of Village Voice music critic TOM BREIHAN we actually have a few new visitor’s to the site. While I have their attention I thought I’d bring some of you up to speed on what it is we do here at DALLASPENN Dot Com.

WE ARE NOT A HIP-HOP BLOG!
Hip-Hop was killed approximately 25 years ago with the commercial release of the song ‘Rapper’s Delight’. The members of the SugarHill Gang had not met each other prior to being corralled into the recording studio and most of the rhymes were stolen from the notebooks of Grandmaster Casanova. The carcass of Hip-Hop has remained on life support systems like the body of TERRY SCHAIVO while people have fought over the soul. East versus West, North versus South, everybody versus Jay-Z. Hip-Hop is dead. Long live Hip-Hop.

JIG WORDS is one of the websites’ public service features where we help people from all different backgrounds learn a common language. Through communication we may all learn to appreciate one another for our different ethnicities, religions and nationalities. You’ll notice that I didn’t say race, because race is a make believe construct that is impossible to quantify. If it is skin color that determines race you might be surprised to know that even Pakistani nationals are considered ‘white’ by no other rating system than the Federal Bureau of Investigation. If a brownskinned towelhead terrorist is considered white then what exactly does ‘white’ mean? It means nothing.

JIG WORDS, however, does mean something. JIG WORDS will shine the light on some of your favorite words and terms and help you better understand their meaning so that just in case you are a standup comic and some fans heckle you from the audience you will be armed with a knowledgable retort that requires no apology.

cracker

CRACKER
For a long time most people were under the impression that ‘cracker’ was the term of derision given to the so-called white man by Blacks. When in fact the ‘cracker’ is anyone that abuses their power of authority. The painting above was done in the 1600’s and it described the whipping of a mulatto slave by a couple of the plantations ‘crackers’. Mulatto slaves were some of the most unfortunate people on the plantation and were known to have their azzes kicked by everyone since their skin color reminded their plantation owning parent that he had fucked a slave and they also reminded the chattel of how horny the plantation owners were.

The ‘cracker’ would snap their whip at workers who were being unproductive or appeared lazy. This was a form of intimidation and an assertion of power that they were in fact the liaisons of the plantation owner. As more immigrants came to America from Ireland, Scotland and eastern Europe, plantation owners were able to replace their slave overseers with these new immigrants.

The ‘cracker’ today uses other tools to maintain control through intimidation. Whether it’s 50 shots fired from the automatic weapon of police officers or the prevalent campaign against ‘snitching’ the outcome is always to keep oppression and supremacy in place.

segar neegar

NEGGAR
What word is as misunderstood and misused as this one? Americans continue to debate and discuss this term and how and who has license to use it. The truth is that this word describes someone’s job in an agrarian based culture. The plowman, the fieldhand, he is the neggar. In farming there isn’t a more difficult and demanding job. If your farm is too small to have a beast of burden then that job falls to the shoulders and back of the neggar. When this country was first being settled by the Dutch, Germans and English they brought their own neggars. Their indentured servants were the people that assisted in breaking down the soil and establishing crops.

Being a plowman in America wasn’t considered a bad occupation until America emerged from the Civil War and embraced Industrialization. After that point it was considered lower than working class to still be relegated to sharecropping or farming. At that point Americans chose to remind the Blacks that lived here with legislation and outright terrorism that their destiny would never escape that of being a piece of chattle conscripted to working on the farm. Through house burnings, lynchings and overt verbal terrorism the word ‘nigger’ came to be assigned to Blacks.

The truth is that the neggar was a name that white gave to other white. And it wasn’t a term of disrespect either. The early European settlers of America were smart enough to have respect for the people that handled their food supply. Who knows what kind of E-Coli you might acquire when you no longer respect the people that feed your azz.

KKKramer

The cRap Music Fantasy League

Saturday, December 9th, 2006

parappa the rapper

I believe it was NOZ from Cocaine Blunts & Hip-Hop Tapes who suggested that we start a cRapper Fantasy League feature since we spent so much time speculating on the ‘what ifs’ contained in the music industry. Like what if DAME DASH was on the plane with AALIYAH? Would Jay-Z and Jim Jones have hugged each other at his funeral? There are a million billion ways to extrapolate theories in Hip-Hop and we here at DP Dot Com only believe in using empirical evidence to get to the truth. The cRap Music Fantasy League will go a long way to proving who is the G.O.A.T. once and for all.

Each player will start their own fantasy record label with the profits of money made from the crack trade. Actual victims of crack cocaine are not necessary since this is of course, cRap music, and not the real world. Each label may hold eight cRappers. DipSet and G-Unit do not count as one cRapper. If a player(label) decides to drop a cRapper they may pick one to replace that roster slot. Points are awarded to labels whose cRappers end up the news for any variety of reasons. From record industry achievement to criminal activity everything scores points for your cRapper in the cRap Music Fantasy League. The official league play kicks off January 1st, 2007 but if you want to get down you should set up your label(team) now in advance.

Here are the rules…

  • The game is open to all whether you like cRap music or not
  • Each label has eight roster positions. If a cRapper is killed the label owner is awarded points and may replace that dead cRapper with a live one. If the dead cRapper is retained by the label and continues to make news stories that label will receive points
  • labels may select deceased cRappers
  • Once a label drops a cRapper from their roster they cannot reacquire said cRapper
  • Points will be awarded to labels whose cRappers reach certified gold and platinum status for their album releases
  • Points will be awarded to labels whose cRappers sign record, merchandising and or marketing deals
  • Points will be awarded to labels whose cRappers are arrested for anything from firearms and narcotics possession, to tax evasion, to domestic battery and assault charges
  • Points will be awarded to labels whose cRappers weedcarriers die, but only one W.C. death is eligible for points(i.e. if the balance of D-12 passes away tragically Eminem only receives points for Bizarre)
  • I’m sure theres gonna have to be more rules than these, but the main thing for you to do is to get your label(team) together. Holler black if you are down to play.

    SNEAKER FIENDS UNITE!

    Saturday, December 9th, 2006

    black jesus

    We’ll be setting it off for Channukah the right way while simultaneously giving props to the Black Jesus of basketball. DP Dot Com’s pearlized NIKE Dunks in the New York Knicks colorway along with a semi-recent throwback jersey of the yacht-owning coach choker.

    You didn’t know SPREE was Hebrew?!?

    black jesus

    black jesus

    DEF JAM Doesn’t Heart DALLASPENN.COM

    Friday, December 8th, 2006

    parappa the rapper

    I won’t blame Jay-Z for the website’s chilly reception from Universal Entertainment. Jay-Z has a sense of humor and perspective. It’s just his weed carriers and Wig Brushers that are humorless fucks. Why else would we be shut out from the listening parties and the free alcohol? We are willing to sell out and we will do it for cheap. For only a few free drinks and some ‘Kingdome Come’ keychains we would have given the new CD our highest honor – a three fetus review.

    cletus

    It’s probably our fault anyhoo since we did have a chance to jump on the bandwagon when XXL invited us over there to blog for free. The question shouldn’t have been, “Is Jay-Z Going Broke?” The question we should have asked was if Jay-Z still cared what the fuck we thought. Jay is far above the silly fan boy internets chatter. He’s given bottles of Budweiser to thirsty Africans, he’s taken the rims off of his Maybach (not the video set rental, his REAL Maybach). Hell, he even has enough loot to spend on purchasing 200,000 CD’s. Jay is all grown up now and all I am is an oldhead still sitting in my parents’ basement in my underwear sipping orange juice, ginger ale and E & J Brandy from my special cup with the crazy straw typing on a keyboard. Jay knows all this so he pays me no mind.

    The people at Def Jam however do not know this so they regard me as a threat. I’m not the reason that your paychecks are in jeopardy. YOU people at Def Jam are the reason. Stop being yes men and pussies and remind Jay-Z what it is to still have something to prove. All this ‘Reasonable Doubt’ reflection has made Jay full of himself. The race is not over yet Jay-Z and pretty soon you are going to watch some rapper overtake you without even looking for you to pass the baton. At least NAS is still running the race…

    BILLY SUNDAY was offered another chance to join the Jay-Z fanclub by the good folks over at America Online. They were running a feature of Jay-Z pictures and they asked a few bloggers to submit their comments on the images. One of the commentators was from one of those miscellaneous jig celeb websites that exist only to drink star spooge. No, it wasn’t our sisters from Crunk or Concrete. Them broads keep it offish. Another commenter was ESKAY from Nah’Right who is a Jay-Z fan in the normal sense which means that he generally won’t co-sign any bullshit (unless he’s drunk, but we can relate). The third commenter was your friend WILLIAM to the H. Who decided from the gate that he would keep things funky. The comment theme he came up with for the series of photos was the ‘Life and Times of Young H-2-O’.

    Everything seemed to be cooked with curry, but then the feature was removed from the site and dumped in an archive folder. I guess the humorless shitbags at Universal felt a kind of way seeing their cash cow being toasted. Trust me that it wasn’t even that serious, but in the world of paranoid yes men even the slightest joke is cause for alarm. Since AOL is too chickenshit to risk posting these comments I thought I would so that BILLY SUNDAY can catch a little shine.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    I call this one Young Backdrop (no Weezy F Baby)

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Your boy Young Bananas and your girl B. I’m feeling bananas over her banana skirt (no MEMPH BLEEK).

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    The King of All Jigs and Young Three Piece are worth over a billion dollars

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Basketball and B taking in a Nets game. I wonder if the Nets move to Brooklyn will Jay move back to Marcy? You know that shit’s going condo?!

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Beatlemania forgot to tell Ringo Starr which words he was supposed to say. Niiice LENNON shirt too Young.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Cleanliness brushing that dirt off his shoulder a/k/a Jim Jones.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Old MIMI with the see through is hanging with your boy Young Emancipation. Jay does get the credit for her album being released by Def Jam during his tenure right?

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Entertainment knows tons of celebrities that you don’t.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Entreprenuer flashes the Dipset hand sign. Baaaaaaalllliiiiiinn’.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Heezy and Kanyeezy doing it up extra breezy. I wish somebody would sell these fools a moustache.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young International politicing with my man NELSON MANDELA a/k/a Big Black Brother Uncle Africa.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Spectacular and Fabolous together chillin’. Ladies, please remember that two fingers is always better than one.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Mogul and L.A. Reid. I think Jay was wearing a prosthetic peace sign hand this evening.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young is one of the smartest in the game. People call him oldhead. So instead he hangs out with these fossilized fruitbags and now he looks like a teenager.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young South Beach chillin’ with the bootleg Rick Ross. Either that or Freeway doesn’t have a baseball hat on.

    young

    sunday BILLY SUNDAY says
    Young Santa knows how much the gift of a toy can mean to the children of the underpaid, undereducated, and underrepresented.

    Roc-A-Fella y’all.


    Black Women: Still Not White Enough…

    Friday, December 8th, 2006

    b

    Seeing all the previews for the new ‘Dreamgirls’ picture I now realize what has been holding Black men and women back from having meaningful longterm relationships with one another for all of these years. Black women are still not white enough. The whole theme of the ‘Dreamgirls’ movie is about how black women can increase their desirability by wearing a lot of wigs and lightening their skin.

    Black women have made advances in securing whiteness, but they still fall short on so many different areas. Yes, they are going to the Dominicans in droves to get the ‘Black’ out of their hair. That’s a plus. Yes, they are using bleaches and fade creams to remove the ugly mocha cappucino chocolate tones from their skin. They are also attending colleges and universities in an effort to remove the Mz.Peachez from their vernacular. Well, at least most of them are. Some are just as happy remaining young, Black and fabulous.

    These are all positive traits for Black women as they walk the road to a better living through whiteness, but there are still some influential Black women who would have the next generation return to the dark ages (score one for the pun). Women like TIFFANY ‘New York’ PATTERSON from the hit television program ‘Flavor Of Love’ is too adamant in embracing partial whiteness.

    foolios

    It’s not enough to wear blonde wigs that are made from the hair of Chechen orphans. TIFFANY must fully embrace whiteness and have her skin bleached. African women do this ALL the time. It’s not that big of a deal. FLAV won’t admit it, but I will. New York lost both times because the other girls had lighter skin then her. Every Black man knows that’s just better. No big newsflash there.

    Black women also need to kick KIMORA LEE SIMMONS out of their racial group. Let her play for the Cambodians, or the Vietnamese, or whoever. Her tacky clothing and boorish behavior is going to continue to ruin your chances at attaining the full whiteness you deserve. While your at it implore NAOMI CAMPBELL and her sister, the bald headed ski jumping African ALEK WEK to use some fade cream. When those two wear sunglasses and close their mouths they become invisible at night.

    Be like OPRAH and change your wigs as often as possible, stay away from the overly curly styles as well and continue to work your way into whiteness. Maybe then some of us Black men might consider marrying you broads.