Archive for November, 2007

A SAPPHIC SLAVEDRIVER…

Sunday, November 11th, 2007

ellen

One of the biggest perceptions that most people have for some reason is that a lesbian is a kind, gentle, understanding, compassionate person. You would be wrong though. A lesbian is more often than not the most evil, calculating, ruthless persona in our society. At least in the case of ELLEN DeGENERES, we can find more of a Machiavellian attitude than a matronly spirit.

People assume lesbians to have the highest regards for human rights, civil rights, workers rights, et al. Well not so much. Most lesbians have a greater concern for animals rights than they do for the needs of fellow humans. ELLEN DeGENERES is so callous she doesn’t even give a shit about a dog, and you all know how much white goes in for dogs? If ELLEN were the president of the United States she would order a nuclear strike on Hawaii just because the weather was too nice.

ELLEN’s latest attempt at ruining the livelihoods of other people has been her unwillingness to honor the labor strike initiated by television and film writers. ELLEN has crossed the picket lines repeatedly in order to continue the taping schedule of her talk show. Her promise to her writing staff was that she would wear the same pair of tennis shoes for every day until the strike has been settled, or until she feels like changing her sneakers.

Whether it is the workers of New York City’s public transportation system, or the television and screen writers guild, we here at DP Dot Com unwaveringly support labor unions and the work they do to maintain the quality of life for the American worker. I respectfully ask you good folks to turn off your televisions while this writers strike is still in effect.

Besides, the internets has way better content.

26.2 Miles No Sweat For The Lil’ Holmey…

Sunday, November 11th, 2007

holmey

How many of you have ever run a marathon?

Do you think it’s possible to run a marathon and…

holmey

  • 1) never break a sweat after five and a half hours of running?
  • 2) not wear a bra or chest support to prevent nipple chafing?
  • holmey

  • 3) be totally over-dressed in your yoga clothes?
  • 4) marry an obviously ghey man?
  • We would all agree that the marriage of TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES is more fraudulent than a $2 dollar magic show and the SURI childbirth situation is more proof of their fakery fuckery, but why the hell do they need tons of media outlets to lie to the people about HOLMES participation in the NYC marathon?

    holmey

    Are these two fools that desperate for people to see them? Couldn’t these numbskulls have simply just posted up along the marathon route somewhere and passed out water to the actual runners?

    So I dug a little deeper into this story only to discover this publicity stunt is part of the new Hollywood x New York City marriage. It turns out that KATIE HOLMES is lobbying to be cast as Wonder Woman for a new feature film being shot in NYC. Awww hell nahh!!! I’ve watched LINDA CARTER. I’ve caught youngling wood looking at LINDA CARTER. I’ve rubbed off that same youngling wood thinking about LINDA CARTER.

    You KATIE HOLMES, are no LINDA CARTER.

    wonder woman

    SEARCHING FOR MY SUSAN…

    Saturday, November 10th, 2007

    sue simmons

    Double entendre abounds at DP Dot Com…

    Would you like to become an iNTERNETS CELEBRITY?

    DP Dot Com is looking for a female writer to post her thoughts here on the site. The pay is horrible, but you will have monthly access to speaking to over 40,000 individual IP addresses and the eyeballs contained therein.

    Just look at the success of previous DP Dot Com interns…

    JACQUI HERNANDEZ has her own blog – Persuede

    GENEVA JONES is engaged to be married to longtime Jets’ fan ‘The John’,

    and JOJO McQUEEN is pregnant with Jay-Z’s lovechild.

    All this means that we have a dearth of female voices here at the website and I would like for someone to come on board that wants to be heard and responded to. You can discuss anything and everything that comes to your mind. Your work won’t be edited according to themes or
    content because we just don’t give a eff here at DP Dot Com. Let your first drop be something like “why DP is a fat bastard.” Let your first drop be about whatever you want.

    If you are ready to have your voice and your opinions broadcast to the world then you are ready to take over the correspondent slot opening here at DP Dot Com.

    Turd! It’s What’s For Dinner…

    Saturday, November 10th, 2007

    turd

    When BILLY X. SUNDAY isn’t working at the XXL offices he’s giving medical advice at the Kings County Hospital Emergency Room. Today’s episode… How Do I Keep From Farting At The Dinner Table?

    Intestinal gas isn’t funny to everyone. I personally love it. I remember eating tunafish for a week straight and by the end of the week my doot smelled exactly like a freshly opened can of tuna. My body surely didn’t need all the mercury that I prah’lee ingested from the tuna and after I took a tuna shit that was enough to keep me off canned fish products for a little while. What really impressed me was how my body could no longer process the fish properly.

    The human body is an engineering marvel and it needs to be fueled properly like any machine. And just like any machine there will be by-products from a properly operating bio-mechanism. Intestinal gas, also known as fottz are that by-product. The human digestive system produces intestinal gases as it break down the different foods that we eat. Most people, except for Hindudes, usually find it embarrassing to expel intestinal gases in social settings. So what should you consume so as not to be so assy, er, gassy?

    Intestinal gas is typically about 99% odorless since it is made up of all the natural gases we find in the environment like oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide and even some methane. The remaining one percent is the bacteria which ferments inside of the intestines from undigested foods. The bacteria is what we smell when we do smell something. The real question you want to ask is how does one reduce one’s intestinal bacteria so that one might be able to expel intestinal gas unnoticeably? That’s what you were thinking right?

  • Crank ‘Dat Lactose
    Dairy products that contain lactose are typically difficult for people of color to digest since our bodies don’t produce high amounts of the digestive enzyme lactase, which splits lactose into smaller parts. Cheese and ice cream are the big culprits. Hence the phrase “cutting the cheese”.
  • Fruck You Fructose
    High fructose corn syrup is a mega popular sweetener, but it is difficult to digest by the body just like corn is. HFCS is so ubiquitous in food products you will have to start paying attention to ingredients and product labels, but if it’s less stanky flatulence that you want maybe it’s time to switch your pitch over to the diet soft drinks.
  • RAFI knows? Say word?
    The natural sugar found in beans, broccoli, cabbage, asparagus and brussell sprouts is called raffinose. No relation to RAFI KAM although I’m pretty sure his passion for Mexican food has melded raffinose into his DNA, and surely his intestines[ll]. Some people take Beano to shut down the gas production from raffinose filled foods.
  • In my medical opinion we should no longer be ashamed of our bodies natural digestive functions. Intestinal gases, whether they are expelled from the penthouse or the basement are a sign that our bodies are in working order. We shouldn’t be ashamed of the wondrous machine that the human body is, unless you have eaten a red bean eggroll wrap filled with curry cole slaw and a gotdamned milkshake. You should keep that shit over… There.

    BILLY X. SUNDAY is not an accredited physician, nor does he hold a high school diploma.

    A WONDER-FULL WEEKEND…

    Saturday, November 10th, 2007

    wonderfull

    D.C. Stand Up! P-Matik Stand Up!

    For one special night Washington D.C. will be Wonder-Full. KeiStar Productions along with DJ Spinna and Bobbito Garcia will bring their STEVIE WONDER tribute to the Beltway.

    Friday 11-16-2007
    LIV nightclub
    2001 11th and U Streets, NW Washington D. C.
    10pm-4am
    $15 cover

    Spinning classic STEVIE WONDER music, b-sides, covers, samples, remixes, fly shit…

    Saturday 11-17-2007
    REBEL nightclub
    251 West 30th Street, btwn 7th and 8th Aves, NYC
    10pm-4am
    $20 cover w/ RSVP
    keistarproductions@gmail.com

    ‘The Official STEVIE WONDER MSG Concert After Party!’

    wonderfull