Archive for July, 2008

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What The Hell Elle Cool Ghey?!?

Monday, July 7th, 2008

ll

Stop playing!

Everyone here knows that Men’s Health magazine is even gheyer than Black Inches.

Pause to me even knowing the name of that magazine.

I once had a subscription to Men’s Health, but after I received my first issue I threw that shit in the garbage more determined to remain fat and subsequently hetero normal. There’s way too many nekkid men pictures in that mag. At some point you have to realize that the publisher is about to have you turn the page to see some dude whacking himself, or worse, his “spotter”. I don’t even look at dicks when I am enjoying my pr0n. Why the hell should I look at them when I am reading a magazine to find out which vegetables are high in potassium?

I’m pretty sure LL realized that his audience is now mostly men. All the chicks that came up when he was making hits like ‘I Need Love’ and ‘Around The Way Girl’ have all been married off. Chances are that any women still listening to commercial rap now are most likely dykey lesbians anyhoo. Who else would enjoy listening to the tales of women being humiliated? I don’t know, but I do know that LL is on the cover of a homo mag.

Aww ish, they even made a web video for this shit.

I don’t just say this because I am obese and poorly groomed either. LL could have made this same pose on the cover of Jet and I wouldn’t have said a damn thing. Ebony too. As a matter of fact, isn’t Ebony running a feature this month on the 25 coolest niggas Black men of all time? Don’t tell me LL didn’t make the cut? For crissakes, this nigga’s name IS cool!?!

This is some shit I would have expected that fruitsach WILL SMITH to try and get off. That fag even stars in a movie called ‘Handcock’. [ll] to the fact that I saw that movie this past weekend. Both of these dudes are definetly flambé though. Lightskinned dudes with no mustaches is supremely suspect. Steer clear of that shit if you can. There should be pictures somewhere of these dicks wearing wigs and with heels on. Those are the games that Hollywood plays. That is why I will stay fat and subsequently broke.

Yeah anyhoo, that is a way ghey magazine cover.

Is all I’m saying.

Mag cover swag jacked from BOSSIP.COM
Video link heisted from NAHRIGHT.COM

Posted in Black Bullshit, Crappers, Fashion Faux Pas, H.A.M., Hollyweird, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali | 13 Comments »

WIG OWNERS > WIG BRUSHERS: Big Hair Bands…

Monday, July 7th, 2008

prince

When the majority of folks think of rock music and hair bands their minds turn to groups like Whitesnake, Poison or Def Leppard. No one really considers that one of rock music’s greatest Wig Owners of all time is actually Prince. You can’t tell me that Prince doesn’t play rock music. And you certainly can’t argue that Prince doesn’t own hell’a wigs either.

Thanks to the magic of YouTube we can reminisce today on all of the great Wig Brushers that have become owners themselves under the tutelage of Prince.

Morris Day and The Time

time

The Time was the gold standard for Wig Brushers. These brothers threads were so mean and their basslines were so focused. The band’s percussionist (read: weedcarrier) even sported a bald head so you know he had to be thorough when it came time to get his brush on. A few years ago I saw the Time perform at the Brooklyn Academy of Music in honor of the 20th anniversary of the film ‘Purple Rain’. The band was still tight as fuck and Morris Day’s doo was fried, dyed and laid to the side, but the entire audience lost their shit when Jerome pulled out the mirror.

BTW, Jerome = one of the greatest Wig Brushers of all time.

* BONUS BEATS * BONUS BEATS * BONUS BEATS *

Only a group as awesome as the Time could have inspired this fantastically awful karaoke perfomance.

This is how that song should have sounded…

‘Fishnet’

Alexander O’Neal

alexander o'neal

Alexander O’Neal definitely had the chops to sing but I don’t think he had the temperament to brush wigs properly so Prince ended up taking back his wigs. O’Neal would still manage to get a wig with some help from other members of the Time. Peep the video for the classic jam ‘Fake’. You can see that O’Neal wasn’t too adept at keeping his own wig straight.


Mazarati

mazarati

How could these fools NOT be a hair band? Their album cover lets you know from the gate what they are coming into the game as. Prince’s OG wig brushing homey Brown Mark formed this group and they managed to crank out a couple of hits, notably ‘100 MPH’ and ‘Player’s Ball’.


Klymaxx

klymaxx

Everyone knows that Appolonia 6 and Vanity 6 were Prince’s wig brushing ladies, but Klymaxx was an all girls band produced by former Wig Brushers turned Wig Owners Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. Klymaxx dropped several hits like the classic slow jam ‘I Miss U’ and ‘Meeting In The Ladies Room’. Klymaxx was fierce for real. Think of them as the female version of the Time. As chauvinistic as Morris Day was is as sassy as Bernadette Cooper gould get. Her ad libs are ridiculous. I give these ladies the most credit however for having the prescience to create their futuristic “No Homo” anthem titled ‘The Men All Pause’. [ll].


‘The Men All Pause’


‘Meeting In The Ladies Room’

*Universal Music disabled the embed codes for these broads videos. Wig Brushers be having a hard time recouping. Heaven forbid some people might actually get to see these videos that were produced. I found a low quality joint though. Eff it, let’s rock.

CAMEO

cameo

Seriously speaking, how could these negroes NOT go down as one of the all time great hair bands?!? These fools have a hairstyle named AFTER them. Show me a band called the Mullets!?! True story is that CAMEO were official Wig Owners. There was even dance called the Cameo Slide. These brothers were trendsetters in music and fashion. Thank GOD that the thighboots and the candy apple red codpiece never caught on. Word up to that.


‘Back And Forth’


‘Attack Me With Your Love’ (LP version)

Posted in BeYONCE's Hair, Black Bullshit, Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, Hollyweird, No Boutros Boutros... Ghali, Straight Laced, When I Reminisce..., Wig Owners | 7 Comments »

Reservations In The Sky: WEEKSVILLE…

Sunday, July 6th, 2008

game rebellion

History is a motherfucking trip. You can learn some shit that just freaks your mind. You will walk around madder than a motherfucker for the rest of the day if you have a brain. That is how I felt after leaving the Weeksville Heritage Center. The site contains so many memories for me it’s hard to enumerate all of them.

Megatron was shot in the head on Buffalo Avenue and Bergen Street.

On Bergen Street and Ralph Avenues is this well guarded complex for poor kids with mental disability. The shit is clearly a prison.

A few months back when I was visiting Rumble and Headstrong, we were accosted by police officers, all Black and all younger than we are, directly across the street from Weeksville in the Kingsboro Houses. As is my custom I let my smart mouth reminisce with these officers about the story passed down from my elders that it was greedy Africans who delivered the Blacks to the shores of Goree Island, and it was equally greedy Blacks who upon arrival to this land would act as whipcrackers to the plantation owners. The idea was that some Blacks couldn’t wait to get the whips in their hands as opposed to their hands on the whips. The cops weren’t impressed. I’m lucky I wasn’t arrested.

Weeksville resides on what was the border of “civilzation” for the occupiers settlers that came to the Americas. Blacks were encouraged to settle these tracts of land because they provided a buffer between the indigenous people and the Europeans. The Dutch needed the Blacks to make the area safe and habitable. The idea was that the Blacks would deal with the savages until a time when the land was cleared and arable. Then the Europeans would have the Blacks evicted and forced to settle elsewhere.

Fuck around and the 1700’s has become the 2000’s. Blacks are being evicted from the lands again to make room for the European(and midwestern) settlers. When people tell you that history will repeat itself they ain’t never lie. The photo above is of the high rise portion of the Kingsboro houses. Twenty five stories positioned on less than acre of land. Forty acres and a mule has become a New York Housing Authority apartment and a Cadillac Escalade. Just like the land agreements granted to Native Americans were surreptitiously altered I won’t be caught sleeping when these deals are changed as well.

Now, more than ever, I am determined to find a homestead in Brooklyn. The historical relevance at stake is too great. Freedom was never for free. Thanks to Dr. SHERILL D. WILSON for her history lesson of New York City that preceded the GAME Rebellion concert.

game rebellion

game rebellion

game rebellion

GAME REBELLION gets focused on the job at hand.

game rebellion

game rebellion

Family always comes first. GAME REBELLION is for the kids.

game rebellion

game rebellion

These dudes rock.

GAME REBELLION will be part of the Afro Punk festivals Wednesday night stage show and you can still copp their mixtape ‘Searching For Rick Rubin‘ online at iMeem.

Posted in Black Bullshit, C.R.E.A.M., Ghetto Celebs, Social Upheaval, Straight Laced, T.O.N.Y. | 5 Comments »

Revenge Of The Nerds: The Afro Punk Festival…

Sunday, July 6th, 2008

afropunk

In only their fourth year of putting shit down as a festival the AfroPunk movement has emerged as the premier Brooklyn based music, films and arts festival. This is prA’li due to the AfroPunk organizers being part of the community they promote themselves to. Other music festivals in Brooklyn seem to just appear when it is convenient for them instead of maintaining their community ties all year around.

Let’s be clear, the Afro Punk festival doesn’t get as crowded as say, the Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival, but the Afro Punk festival is over a week long of events featuring cutting edge bands and filmmakers that are up and coming, as opposed to a single day event featuring dinosaur boom bap rappers that you saw perform for free last summer. Suffice to say it, I am fucking with the Afro Punk festival this summer. Hardbody.

When I fell through the festival yesterday at the Brooklyn Academy of Music they had the skate ramps on and popping. I couldn’t get too close to the stage so my pics of JANELLE MONAE are more artsy than accurate. What they do describe is the energy that homegirl brought to the stage. She was dope.

janelle monae

janelle monae

janelle monae

Go to AfroPunk dot com to peep the calendar of performances scheduled for this week. My pick hits are the main stage on Wednesday and the Afro Punk Block Party on Sunday 7/13.

Posted in Fashion Faux Pas, Ghetto Celebs, iNternets Celebrities, Sneaker Fiends United, T.O.N.Y., Wig Owners | 6 Comments »

Don’t H8: STARKEISHA BROWN…

Saturday, July 5th, 2008

effed

Get your H8 up party people!

The missus and I found ourselves at our close friends’ crib(P-City and wife) for a rooftop BBQ when P-City notified me that he encountered a news story with a protagonist named ‘Starrkeysha’. I laughed out loud since Starrkeysha is the name I had given to Hurricane Katrina because I felt like it would be only Black folks that suffered from her wrath (sadly, I was all too correct). It turns out that this Starrkeysha was an even more evil bitch than that hurricane that kicked New Orleans’ arse.

Pictured above are STARKEISHA BROWN and her 19yr old girlfriend KRYSTAL MATTHEWS. STARKEISHA had a five year old son. STARKEISHA and KRYSTAL used to torture that boy on some shit that would make the paramilitary mercenaries in Iraq wince. The pair starved the child and even burned him on the stovetop. As if that wasn’t fucked the fuck up enough, they allegedly put out cigarettes on the boy’s genitals. None of this killed shorty however.

Child Services officials on a tip from a ghetto snitch (possibly Cam’Ron?) requested that STARKEISHA bring her child into their offices for evaluation. What STARKEISHA did was to abandon her son with a homeless man and bring in two children from a friend of hers. When the officials at Child Services realized the children with STARKEISHA weren’t her own Mrs.BROWN and Mrs. MATTHEWS bolted from the office. The pair was apprehended later along with a third woman.

LaTONYA LANIQUA JONES has also been charged with assaulting the child. She was the babysitter. The pattern here I am highlighting is that nothing good is ever going to come from someone named Starkeisha.

Is all I’m saying.

Posted in Black Bullshit, H.A.M., Harpers Weekly Review, Ninjas | 9 Comments »

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