Archive for October, 2008

World Series ’08: Philadelphia Is Burning…

Thursday, October 30th, 2008


So I have to wait until next year to see if JIMMY ROLLINS gets beaned.

Philadelphia housewives rejoice. You’ve been given a reprieve from your annual ritual domestic abuse sessions that usually followed the Phillies late season collapses. Just in time for the end of Domestic Violence Awareness month also.

The ass whuppings will commence again beginning during Thanksgiving as the Eagles fall to last place in the NFC East division.

The only Philly I fucks with is Philly’s Most Wanted…

‘Please Don’t Mind’


Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

The TURTLENECKS vs. The TURBANS goes into overtime.


Forget about the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins, this is the most classic of rivalries on the planet. I am not saying that an actual cowboys and redskins matchup couldn’t get bloody, but how many injuns did you ever hear of owning a Lawes ground-to-air missile launcher?!? Thank you.

So you ask, “Who are the Turbans? And who are the Turtlenecks?” Honestly, that’s a hard question to answer. It’s like trying to figure out the racial designation of a MARIAH CAREY and a TIGER WOODS. There’s a big ass gray area when you try to get all ethno-specific so instead I want you to think of these people from the perspective of sports teams. Actually, they are just like interstate rivals.

The Turbans best player was the AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI.

He was like the DAN MARINO of the Middle East game. He couldn’t win the big one even though he burned down the record books. No, seriously. He literally burned down all the books in Iran as he established the Islamic theocracy they have today. Theocracy is all well and good, but you still need some long scrilla to win at this game and the Turbans weren’t playing with the best looking paper either. At least they kept it rial.

keeping it rial

The Turbans cheerleader pin up calendar could never be mistaken for the Dallas Cowgirls, but when in Tehran you do what you can with what you have.

2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate?

One of my theories as to why the playa better known as the Ayatollah couldn’t get over the hump was because of his coaching staff. The Turbans were coached by a group of guys who historically couldn’t win the big one.

cool 'stash THAT OLD CRAZY GUY
This coach had the best moustache that side of TEDDY ROOSEVELT, but he didn’t listen to his assistants too well. I think he killed them all.
The coaching gets somewhat better because the offensive game plan is completely changed. It is switched from a system that required sharing the ball with everyone (communism) into a more focused system which only allows for one scorer while the rest of the team supports that player (capitalism).

Coach also had a cool map of the Ukraine tatted on top of his head.

big yeller BIG YELLER
Of all the previous coaches, BIG YELLER, had the most charisma. The problem was that he never made a lick of sense since he kept flask of Georgi inside his jacket pocket.
coach p COACH P
Peep the JEFF VAN GUNDY combover.

The Turtlenecks have been coached by Uncle Sam since the beginning. Hell, Uncle Sam hasn’t just been the coach, he has been the director of player personnel too.


Ever since they picked up free agent SADDAM HUSSEIN the team has pretty much remained intact. Uncle Sam used the Turtlenecks to keep lesser teams in check like the Taliban for instance. Think of the Taliban as a bunch of streetball players from the And1 Tour who want to take a shot at playing in the big leagues. You know these streetball niggas aren’t really coachable and eventually they will bite the hand that feeds them. SADDAM was good at keeping these fools in their lane with a mixture of intimidation and extortion. Just as an aside, I have to give props to the turtlenecks for their snazzy uniforms.


The Turtleneck cheerleaders weren’t any easier on the eyes than their Turban counterparts.

smells like team spirit

Don’t try to pay for that shwarma kabab at the Baghdad diner with these dinars. Turtleneck currency currently isn’t even worth the paper its printed on. (I apologize for all of that alliteration, but my job is to make you read and not just look at the pretty pictures)

dinars club

And the best part of all this crap that you just read is that the game isn’t over yet. Tune into the 2am SportsCenter for the final score.

The Greatest Entertainer…

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

the addict

These dudes from the Bushwick Social Club are cool with me. They posted the i.C. film ‘Checkmate’ in a drop at their website. They have invited me to come to their monthly party in Bushwick.


Not that Bushwick ain’t the hot little neighborhood right now, but I really can’t fuck with these dudes because they don’t believe DOUG E. FRESH is T.5.D.O.A.

You ain’t really, really Hip-Hop if you don’t know what I’m talking about, or you don’t agree with me.


We were at the old Octagon on the west side. Everyone was mobbed up. Tragedy performed and niggas threw ice at him because he was talking that thug shit and the room was filled to the brim with goons. This was no ‘mixed’ crowd of rap fans. This was the Bronx, Brownvsille, Bed-Stuy, and yes, Bushwick. 1992. Lord Finesse even got ice thrown at him when he started doing a ‘freestyle’ of verses everyone had already heard. The crowd was anxious to see KRS-1 and the tension was building up. You know who came on the stage and took the entire crowd and brought them back to a good place?

DOUG E. FRESH is so Hip-Hop. DOUG E. FRESH is my hero. If you don’t know that he is Top 5 Dead Or Alive you need to sit your ho ass down and shut the fuck up.

And I’m not saying this because I’m drunk.

HASH MILLS on the handycam

This was from the OAKLEY HIT + RUN artist event.

I need another one of those in my lifestyle.

And speaking of ‘Hit & Run’, I have been bumping this LOLEATTA HOLLOWAY joint for the last few days.

Don’t anyone make real shit anymore?


Wednesday, October 29th, 2008


The greatest city on Earth…

NYC Monday Is The New Friday…

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

vee nyc

I fux with Mondays.


Shouts to iFux’ iCandy

Mondays is the shit because after you kick Monday’s ass they can’t give you another one until next week.

Fridays is the scam homies.

When can you really taste Friday? When does that shit become your own? 6pm? So now you only got .25 left of Friday for yourself?!?

F for fail otherwise known as uLose.

Thank GOD for Mondays in NYC. The new Friday. The first part of Friday. Friday in NYC is really Monday and Tuesday. You need Tuesday to get on your after hours steez. Paradise Garage from 4am until noontime. Or Bassline, or Lovelite, or Choices, or (gasp!) Robots.

If I went to Robots then GOD would be the only way back to Earth.

Sonn be tripping hard. Body. Body and Soul.

Last night the spaceship was on some sexy vote shit. Everybody is trending out for voting like that shit is skinny jeans tapered to zero. Niggas don’t know that my vote was to come and enjoy that free ass wine. My #1 neggar on the $1 dumpling trigger, Freedom’s DJ Herbert, and my homey DJ Scribe were on the sound system. Haven’t been to a Scribe joint in a minute. I forgot how much soul these dudes got.

The crowd was on some beautiful Black bullshit with pretty motherfuckers like Maxwell just maxin’ and relaxin’. I knew I wasn’t sexy enough to be up in that party, but I stayed anyhoo and I drunk my free wine.

Fuck that wineglass bullshit. Got myself a plastic cup so I could go in @ 100mph with no brakes.

Never smiling.

Shouts to flameproof Flamboyant Productions

They screened that video clip from the BBC’s bootleg MICHAEL MOORE about voting shenanigans. Nobody that promotes this voting shit ever gets it right. There’s always a fear factor to entice you to vote. Nobody ever talks about the positivity of communities coming together to struggle and survive.

Niggas in Ohio will wait on a five hour line because there is only one broke ass machine at the polling station. That is the glory you fucking faggots. How powerful is the dream of having a voice. I won’t even sit in no hotdamned church for longer than three hours.

Voting is realer than GOD in some communities. It is a connection to the motherfuckers across the railroad tracks. Everybody wants their garbage picked up three times a week. Not just now that the ‘hood is being gentrified.

I wish Abdul had always stocked organic vine tomatoes instead of Lil’ Debbies. Awww sheeeeeeeeit, who am I kidding? Lil’ Debbie grew up to be a whore. And I loved her sweet, creamy goodness.

VOTE AND LIVE is the grand idea. A Diddy swagger jack or another Diddy community organizing program? You be the judge. The correct answer however would be the latter.

Who else could make voting this sexy?

In New York city.

Where Mondays are the new Fridays.

vee nyc

Animatrix courtesy of VeE