When BILLY X. SUNDAY isn’t working at the XXL offices he’s giving medical advice at the Kings County Hospital Emergency Room. Today’s episode… How Do I Keep From Farting At The Dinner Table?
Intestinal gas isn’t funny to everyone. I personally love it. I remember eating tunafish for a week straight and by the end of the week my doot smelled exactly like a freshly opened can of tuna. My body surely didn’t need all the mercury that I prah’lee ingested from the tuna and after I took a tuna shit that was enough to keep me off canned fish products for a little while. What really impressed me was how my body could no longer process the fish properly.
The human body is an engineering marvel and it needs to be fueled properly like any machine. And just like any machine there will be by-products from a properly operating bio-mechanism. Intestinal gas, also known as fottz are that by-product. The human digestive system produces intestinal gases as it break down the different foods that we eat. Most people, except for Hindudes, usually find it embarrassing to expel intestinal gases in social settings. So what should you consume so as not to be so assy, er, gassy?
Intestinal gas is typically about 99% odorless since it is made up of all the natural gases we find in the environment like oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide and even some methane. The remaining one percent is the bacteria which ferments inside of the intestines from undigested foods. The bacteria is what we smell when we do smell something. The real question you want to ask is how does one reduce one’s intestinal bacteria so that one might be able to expel intestinal gas unnoticeably? That’s what you were thinking right?
Dairy products that contain lactose are typically difficult for people of color to digest since our bodies don’t produce high amounts of the digestive enzyme lactase, which splits lactose into smaller parts. Cheese and ice cream are the big culprits. Hence the phrase “cutting the cheese”.
High fructose corn syrup is a mega popular sweetener, but it is difficult to digest by the body just like corn is. HFCS is so ubiquitous in food products you will have to start paying attention to ingredients and product labels, but if it’s less stanky flatulence that you want maybe it’s time to switch your pitch over to the diet soft drinks.
The natural sugar found in beans, broccoli, cabbage, asparagus and brussell sprouts is called raffinose. No relation to RAFI KAM although I’m pretty sure his passion for Mexican food has melded raffinose into his DNA, and surely his intestines[ll]. Some people take Beano to shut down the gas production from raffinose filled foods.
In my medical opinion we should no longer be ashamed of our bodies natural digestive functions. Intestinal gases, whether they are expelled from the penthouse or the basement are a sign that our bodies are in working order. We shouldn’t be ashamed of the wondrous machine that the human body is, unless you have eaten a red bean eggroll wrap filled with curry cole slaw and a gotdamned milkshake. You should keep that shit over… There.
BILLY X. SUNDAY is not an accredited physician, nor does he hold a high school diploma.
